Better Relationships

This is a dating toolkit for staying committed to what you want for yourself in a relationship.  There are tools for overcoming extreme want, avoiding bad relationships, and building a path to meet "the one." Tools include several chapters from the "Help Me Be Me" book, including "The Love List" and "The Big Red Hat." 

Episode 6: The Dating Game

The Good Fight is an episode for anyone suffering and stuck in fights they don't want to be in, whether it's with a friend, spouse or coworker.  I know it can be rough on the soul, but fights give you the potential to grow closer to others.  If you’re fighting, it means you’re both invested in the relationship.  Even if things seem dire, don’t lose hope— sometimes all you need are the right tools to help you get there. x Sarah May B.

Episode 12: The Good Fight: Tools for constructive fighting

This is for anyone who has conflicts with someone they care about who wants to figure out ways to get out of those conflicts fast and productively. 
It’s about our emotional baggage – specifically the unmet needs from our childhood, and how those block us from being able to see and receive the love from people in our life currently.  I will focus on how to get out of conflicts and pain and move into happiness and get more of what you want. How to better love others and better encourage love back. 

It’s a set of tools to stay out of blaming and resenting and let go of what you think they should do. So that you can empower yourself to get to more of what you DO want – which is shared affection and happiness. 


Hi friends! I’ve been away for a bit because I got hitched! It was awesome and wonderful. And now I’m back!

I will do the usual 3 parts: The What, The Why, The How – the tools. And to be clear – this is about all relationships that involve conflicts between the needs of others and your own. About relationships that involve needs of others and your own – and when those don’t match up. 

For more check out TeaspoonOfHappy.com
Smile peeps! xo

This one’s for Lara from Spain – thanks for writing me girl! :) 


Episode 53: Love Languages: Overcoming Emotional Baggage So You Can Better Receive and Give Love

It’s really hard to stop yourself from helping someone out, doing it for them, giving your time and energy, saying what you said you wouldn’t do again, or diving in head first to a partner – especially when chemicals take over. Because that’s who you are! A giving and loving person! It can feel almost like a commitment to being true to yourself, because when you have all the understanding of someone’s voids – you feel compassion. And even if you didn’t want to try to make them happy or fix something, you feel obligated – mostly by yourself you’re your own inner voice. It’s also because you like them so much and you want to make them happy. 

To fight against this habit will feel wrong, unnatural. And super uncomfortable – and it makes others so happy. It’s a confusing dilemma – to NOT follow your instincts will make you might feel like you’re not being yourself. You want to be loving and give your best for someone you love. It’s a catch-22. And so the flip side of this is you end up doing it all: you’re the saver who comes to the rescue and others will continue to disappoint you on a loop. Like you’re surrounded by children. You end up feeling resentful toward others for not giving you the love and care and THANKS you deserve, but you can’t stop yourself from being there for them and helping them live better lives. It feels good to be helpful.

This end result leaves you and whoever else you are stuck to in life, fighting or empty – battling for love and care and attention. And you’re not asking so much at all – just for a tiny bit of love and support at SOME time in life. Or just for them to not be so destructive. 

This one’s for Ty – great topic! Thank you!

If this helps you in any way, consider making a monthly donation at HelpMeBeMe.com thanks! 


Ep 78: Codependency: I Need to Find Someone Who Will Make Me Whole

This is an episode that I’ve been wanting to write for a while – because it’s something that reminds me of a very confusing and difficult time for me.  When I couldn’t find my voice, or access it. It’s a thing that happens to a lot of people – you can feel the thing you have to say and it’s just stuck inside your body. You can almost hear yourself screaming it, desperately trying to get it out. But your physical body doesn’t move. It’s like witnessing a silent victim trapped behind double mirrors in prison – why can’t they see me? Why can’t they hear me?

Wherever this is coming from – for you, I think I can help give you a bit of a leg up. Because I know how this feels – it’s traumatizing. The worst. Because it’s like you are doing it to yourself, and you are somehow the cause of your own horror – because of the fact that you can’t even stand up for yourself. It sets up a really heavy, powerful loop that compounds a new truth: I am hopeless. I am a liar. I am invisible. I am a coward. No one can see me suffering. No on can help me, including me. 

Wow – that got kinda dark, huh? Well it’s kinda that feeling – a deep, dark where no light reaches. Let’s get to some proactive information shall we? There are 3 parts, the what why and how – the tools.

Help Me Be Me

Ep 88: What to do when you can’t speak your truth

Let’s say you’re not confident, which leads your to focus on others and accommodate their needs solely. Or you have been tipped off balance because there’s someone in your life that you want so bad and you feel like you can’t keep them so you’re doing whatever you can think of to keep them – but that’s creating a cycle where they pull away more. This is for you. It’s a recommended “core workout” in that it’s for regaining your inner strength. It starts with strengthening that relationship with yourself and a bond with yourself. Another term for it would be self-love. 
Heads up - this is an episode I recorded without a script so if something doesn't make sense, leave me a comment and I'd be happy to answer. 
If you liked this, please leave me a review on iTunes! For more of my work check out HelpMeBeMe.com xo

Ep 92: Confidence in Love - A Core Workout

Contrary to popular belief, fights are not better talked out to the bitter end and happiness and intimacy are not the result of more loving couples. It really comes down to how you manage these perpetual fights.  I want to give you the main reasons people end separating or remain happy and together - based a couple different disciplines of research. Because a lot of what is the most damaging, isn’t obvious or calculated by a person. It’s totally accidental. 

When we have the same arguments and we start to get distant, it’s often because we don’t want to fight and we have a sense of dread around a repeated loop, so the distance is like a no-war zone between two foreign cultures. And the SHITTY news is when you get distant, your relationship is actually in the most trouble – because both parties are no longer demonstrating an investment in the bond. This is when you stop identifying as a couple and you start thinking in terms of me, the individual. And with that solo identity you start to focus on goals as an individual and not as a couple. Your focus redefines your past together as crappy – you see things from a personal interest standpoint. So if you guys are feeling distant and resentful, this is an episode for you! 

Caveat: I want to stress that this is NOT for people with abusive partners. Domestic violence is not something that I recommend using these tools for – if you’re in an abusive relationship, my heart goes out to you. If you like this episode, check the Gottman Institute for more! A lot of this is from his work.

For more of my writing and the blog version of this post, check out Yaywithme.com (the blogs will be posted a bit later than the podcasts). 

Book references:
Couples counselor questionnaire:
goo.gl/zWndxG
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
http://amzn.to/2oOqmqP
John Gottman’s most popular book:
http://amzn.to/2o3HxHU
The Gottman Institute – all their good, short articles. 
gottman.com
A book by the creator of Imago:
http://amzn.to/2onby1d
What to look for in a couples counselor:
http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/whattolookfor.php

Ep 93: Relationship Fight Loops and Distance: Why We Lose Access to Intimacy

Forgiveness is a monumental practice because it really guides a lot of what you believe in your life -about the world, love, relationships and also yourself. I’ve said this before but truly the reason to forgive is for you: because it’s kind of like being stabbed and then keeping that knife in your body. Forgiveness is something only you can decide you are ready to do, but it’s also something only appropriate in certain situations. It comes from a pure and genuine goal created for the right reasons, with all the practical information at hand. For example, you might want to forgive your ex for breaking your heart, but you can’t force that until you are ready to accept and move on. Another example of a situation that might be best left for processing but not forgiveness – is chronic abuse. This is a situation when we are likely to blame ourselves – so it’s really vital to lean into anger and claim that blame.  When it comes to other deep wounds, when we prematurely choose to forgive it’s often because some part of us wants to skip over the pain of confrontation – looking at how bad we really hurt. When we want to forgive because the emotions associated with a certain event bring us BELOW the level of who we know we are, that is a mature and profound decision – one made from your highest self. This is something we all get to choose: basically, to align ourselves with who we know we are. 

What I want to do with this episode is really pose that invitation in a way that might get you closer to the reality of processing or forgiving – or knowing where you need to place a hurt from your past. 

References:

Triumph of Heart
http://amzn.to/2pt308G

The science of forgiveness
http://www.salon.com/2015/08/24/the_science_of_forgiveness_when_you_dont_forgive_you_release_all_the_chemicals_of_the_stress_response/

Haven’t read this myself but this is by the guy who heads up the Stanford Forgiveness Project which does a lot of good research. 
http://amzn.to/2qZy5Tt

Ep 95: Forgiveness: How to let go of hurt and anger, and why to do it at all

This is for anyone who has a super tumultuous relationship with a sibling, one that that defies all logic. It’s to give you context for a lot of common sibling issues and also some tools for clarity and staying firmly balanced on the ground. Just a heads up, I am talking mostly about adult sibling rivalry – though you might gain something from this if you’re listening because of your kids. I will touch on how these conflicts are formed early on in life. For more of my writing head to https://www.YayWithMe.com and for my references for this episode check out:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2009/12/oh_brother.html
http://amzn.to/2skMf5r
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199301/adult-sibling-rivalry

Ep 96: Sibling Rivalry – Why We Can’t Stop Fighting, Blaming & Resenting

Hi friends, in this episode I answer 3 questions: what to do if you’re stuck and you can’t figure out what you’re passionate about. What to do when you are stuck in a pit of hopelessness and despair and you feel ashamed and can’t seem to get a break. What to do if you are stuck, depressed and you really don’t have any good friendships. I hope this gives you some relief! I know a lot of these issues are really big, chronic ones and the solutions will not be quick and easy – but if this was your question, I want to say whatever you do – don’t stop trying. I believe eventually you fill find your cocktail solution. It just takes persistence and a teaspoon of luck, which can be arrived at via trial and error. Xo Sarah May B. 

For more of my writing, my one-on-one plans, my books and other resources check out YayWithMe.com

Audience Q&A's: What To Do if You’re Stuck and Passionless, Stuck and Hopeless, Stuck and Friendless

When we don’t feel safe, we tend to panic. Especially if you lack the innate knowledge that you will be okay. So when external events happen that take our sense of safety away – it can lead you into a state of intense suffering that then deepens into a state of hopelessness. This is when external hardship is really damaging. However – you can foster an innate sense of resilience – by practicing steps and thoughts despite yourself. So if you are in that state, of if you want to preempt it – here are some steps for you to take.

If you want to read more of my writing, to make a donation, and for more helpful resources, check out YayWithMe.com

Ep 98: Resilience for Codependents and Those Experiencing Adult Hardships

This is an episode answering two questions – the first: how do you deal with real fears and awareness of imminent pain, for example – the pain of a future loss of a loved one, or the fear over the current situation in the world. The second question: how do you deal with the pain of wanting someone who has broken up with you multiple times. Is it okay to go on Tinder and hookup with other people – just to help get over them? 

For more of my writing, to make a donation and to purchase The Break-Up Album, head to YayWithMe.com xo Sarah May B.

Help Me Be Me • Power-Ups

Audience Q&A's: How to Deal with the Pain of Future Loss + Repeatedly Being Broken Up With

Hi friends, in this episode I answer two questions. One: "How do you trust your gut if you struggle with anxiety and perfectionistic overthinking - if your thinking gets you into messes all the time? Should you believe what other people say about you - even if you don't agree with them?" Two: "How do you stop focusing on the expectations of others, while in a relationship? I find that I neglect my needs and often focus on what I think I should do to make another person happy." For more of my work and to make a donation visit YayWithMe.com
The Melodie Beattie book I mention in this episode is here:
http://amzn.to/2k3jvZm

The podcast I mentioned is here:
https://soundcloud.com/helpmebeme/episode-44-personal-priorities-pond-a-self-esteem-building-exercise

Audience Q&A's: How to Trust Your Gut + Stop Focusing on Expectations of Others

In this episode I answer three different audience questions. The first, how to stop obsessing about a person after a single date – and the other person doesn’t want you back. Second, how to deal with feeling empty and lost – like the shell of a person. Third, how to stop forcing instant closeness with new friends – including oversharing. This one’s for: “Hijacked with infatuation,” “Lost” and “Instant Besty.” The links I mention in this episode include: 
The book The Depression Cure: http://amzn.to/2F9PCPv
The fish oil I take in DHA: http://amzn.to/2tecCvb
and EPA: http://amzn.to/2oIX1iH
The Lily Pad podcast episode:
https://soundcloud.com/helpmebeme/episode-44-personal-priorities-pond-a-self-esteem-building-exercise
And to make a donation or read the blog version of this podcast, head to YayWithMe.com xo! Sarah May B.

Audience Q&A: Painful Infatuation, Feeling Empty & Lost, Needing Instant Friends

Hi friends! This one’s about building healthy friendships and relationships and how do you know if a relationship is healthy or toxic. This one’s for Heather! This is a great topic, it’s something I had to think long and hard about at one point in my life so I made you all a list of what to look for. For more of my writing and to make a donation, head to YayWithMe.com 

xo Sarah May B.

Audience Q&A: How to Build Positive Friendships

Hi friends, today I answer two questions – the first is about dealing with a partner who has boundary issues with a person who is infatuated with them. The second is about dealing with unrequited love – basically, how to confront saying goodbye to someone if you’re friends and in love with them. If you’d like to ask a question or to make a donation, head to YayWithMe.com xo!

Audience Q&A’s: Partner With Boundary Issues + Unrequited Love

In this episode I talk about why people are afraid of intimacy and commitment – and I do it for both sides of the relationship: the fearers and the chasers. So this is for anyone who was in a happy in a relationship and then their partner started distancing as soon as things got close. It’s ALSO for anyone who can’t seem to stay in a committed relationship and you don’t know why you find yourself bailing as soon as someone starts to like you. This is something I see often in my One-on-One’s and I thought it warranted a podcast episode. And because I am directing this at two audiences, I jump back and forth between who I am identifying with. So sorry in advance if that gets annoying. I don’t want one side to feel left out. As per usual there are three parts: the what, why and how the tools. 

To make a donation and see more of my writing head to YayWithMe.com

My references and your recommended reading:
For Huskies:
Mindsight 
https://amzn.to/2AjEkKN

The Self-Sabotage Cycle 
https://amzn.to/2LsQrds

For Cubs:
Attached
https://amzn.to/2NQ8tTQ

Men Who Can’t Love 
https://amzn.to/2K3MGpa

Ep 106: Fear of Intimacy + Commitment

Hi friends, this is a special power-up episode – it’s basically a list of my favorite and most frequently used tools as of late. I’m just going go through them in list format. If you’re in need of some tools for happiness, compassion, self-awareness, confidence, and energy-tuning – this is an episode for you. For anyone interested, here are the books and authors I mentioned: 
A book where you can find more of John Gottman’s principles:
https://amzn.to/2vM4fGb

A book about Loving What Is:
https://amzn.to/2vN7z3K

A book for fun and joy-tuning by Pam Grout:
https://amzn.to/2OBeFzj 

If you want to check out more of my work and to make a donation, head to YayWithMe.com xo!

The Self-Care Tools I Use the Most(Currently)

Do you feel like you lost all power and autonomy in your new relationship? Are you always wrong, apologizing, groveling? Does it feel like you’re on drugs because of how intoxicating this person is? Do you obsess about them and yet you also kind of loathe dating them? Then you might be in a relationship with a narcissist. This is inspired by a listener and I thought it might be helpful to someone out there. And heads up - this is all information that is widely available out there on the interwebs so if you want to know more, give it a quick google – there are tons of resources. Here are a few books that I like if you want to dive deeper:
Book 1:
https://amzn.to/2MxkBd3

Book 2:
https://amzn.to/2Mz4BqO

And a book recommended by a listener (which I haven't read yet, but looks promising):
https://amzn.to/2RW4ZFC

To make request, see more of my work and to make a donation head to YayWithMe.com xo

Ep 111: How to Tell if You’re Dating a Narcissist

This is for anyone out there who is dating and they are struggling with letting go of the people who don’t text you back. It’s also for anyone who is dating someone you think you really like – and because of the rarity of that, you’re freaking the fuck out because you don’t know what to say or do and you don’t want to misstep. So – it’s for the mind-boggling stage of dating where nothing makes sense and there seems to be no structure or logic and you feel like a crazy person with no power. And every decision is decided by the focus group that is your friend group. This one is for Ty (‘s friend). Hope this helps! As with all my podcasts take what helps and leave the rest. xo

If you are in this demographic and you’re struggling I recommend reading these two books– 

(at least) the first 3 chapters of this:
https://amzn.to/2E9RtWL

And this (but replace pronouns where appropriate): 
https://amzn.to/2NbzCla

If the tone turns you off, I get it! But I would read it/listen to it regardless because it’s a good synthesis of very basic/clear information. 

To make a donation or to find more of my work, visit YayWithMe.com xox!

Ep 112: Dating Anxiety – How to deal when your brain stops working

Help Me Be Me is an emotional toolkit for creating positive change in yourself. I like to think of it as self-help for people who hate self-help. I'm Sarah May, coach/mom/all-around happy person, and these are the tools that work for me in my life. For all of my offerings you can check out YayWithMe.com What I share is my personal opinion. It's not a diagnosis for treatment or a substitute for professional help. If you're suffering, please reach out to your local emergency services or call 9-1-1. Music theme created by www.BookerHillMusic.com