Even you confuse yourself, you don’t know what to think …

produced by xona 

@heylog

-lyrics-
I wanna run but I can’t deny
feelin dread to our trust and I cry
and I would get everything for you
she loves him but I’m just that fool
I wanted us back, you didn’t want that
I’m pleading with this pain I held
and now I fall back
all on my prozac’s
and I just hope that I get your help

and now I’m washed up all alone
the little essence that you left long ago
the flowers wilt down to my floor
push me down like I’m nothing more

and I don’t wish the best for you
you wanted healing but I was see through
you wanted blood, now you got it on view
many voices telling me on what I knew
there’s reflections that portray all of us 
you’re sick of me and the things that I love 
I won’t forget what it meant for us
these 6 letters that stuck like a drug

stab me again i won't feel a thing
hold me down this some sentencing
taking my bliss, more apologies
i don't like this, just don't talk to me
wasting away i'm never calling you back
i'm stuck with memories i won't forget
with all this weight i carry on my back
you did this to me and i will never forgive

you
oh
i hate 
you
with
every little gut in my body

WALKING UP TO HEAVEN I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M HERE
BUT WHY AM I STILL RUNNING FROM THIS NEVER ENDING FEAR
I'M SHIFTING THROUGH LANES WHILE UR STILL STUCK IN 2ND GEAR
SURPRISING EVERYONE LIKE 2 HEADLIGHTS ON A DEER
WASTING AWAY I'M NEVER CALLING YOU BACK
I'M STUCK WITH MEMORIES I WON'T FORGET
(forget)
WITH ALL THIS WEIGHT I CARRY ON MY BACK 
YOU DID THIS TO ME AND I HATE YOU FOR THAT

you
oh
i hate you
with
every little gut in my body

i wont forget

spotify

i won't forget w/ heylog

woods (santana)

purple magic in the cup I see
when the fuck you gonna leave me be
only hit my phone for thc
but you a lick so count your money g

started to express my feelings told me tough luck
look at me in my eyes before I drive drunk
hitting me up to party, but I'm still slumped
telling me I'm too mean but I give no fucks

thought she was yo bestie
till she try and text me 
heartbreak in a Bentley

codeine on my white tee
heart so cold my friends leave
cocaine till my nosebleed x2

its 3 in the morning and I pour up twice
but nobody like me when I'm getting high
so fuck everybody that keep me alive
I'm cutting the ties
you aint even try

I stay making money and picking my fights
pull out the purple and pack that shit
I play with the paper and let that shit fly
word from the wise
set shit aside
(set that bullshit aside)

purple magic in the cup I see
when the fuck you gonna leave me be
only hit my phone for thc
but you a lick so count your..

prpl magic (meltycanon)

w @heylog
produced by sleepwater and leftquiet

lyrics:
ive been to heaven hell and she wanted it
she wanna ham my neck till im on it
switching positions i feel like im in night time
i don't feel the sun no more i dont like sunshine
quicker my heart declines
more that i find myself
shut my windows and blinds
more that i hate myself
i dislike everything
but dislike you the most
my lifes full of sin
cos i dont know where to go

stood outside im seeing flies
im outside you know my time
wait for this im on a climb
fuck my psyche its pain until i die
gaining more likes am i doing something right
its gone up in spikes have i gone up in my life
maybe you should listen to me once in a while
surely you would be different if you werent in denial
EVERY THOUGHT SHES EVER HAD STARTS TO FUCKING PILE
OH I WISH I NEVER HAD SHES FUCKING VILE
depression getting really bad you can crack a smile
you can barely leave your bed stop acting like a child
how did you get rid of your sweat did you run it off
do something w ur life and make it worthwile

heylog:
she's so psychotic, i knew when i saw
speaking so toxic ur just like ur mom
everything i do she gets really pissed
so why does it feel like it's always my fault
god ur chaotic, quit starting a fight
i ain't one to argue, it's a waste of time
she purposely trying to spark up a flame
and now all of this is getting out of line
oh baby
ur so cold
ur making this easy
give more
oh baby
we're off course
she said she want more she said she want more
innocence
don't exist
she'll find ways to get your head
she's offended again
exaggerate things i say
oh my dear
you're in fear
block it out with a few beers
everyone she's ever cursed is in a pile
everyone she's ever hurt calls her vile
and everyone she's done the worst gets away
am i the only one who's learned from her pain
now the whole place burnt down
and i can see it in her eyes she's happy
i hope you know u look like a clown
cus only you would act a little trashy

𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘺 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨

pile w/heylog

produced by heylog

lyrics:
we went through a lot of ups and downs
yet you still stayed close to my side
we often dug straight to the ground
you don't know what i look like now
just a number in my phone
i'll love you the most
march is a horrible month
why's it always cold
spent the end to cry
i miss you every night
don't call me when you see this
i'll hit decline
i don't look the same
as i used to
is this a bad thing
log, i don't know you
i don't look the same
like before
and i don't recognize myself
anymore

2 weeks 'till i go home
can't wait to see you, oh
october is when you go
now things are coming to
an end

she'll only love me if i just love myself
but baby with you i felt things i don't feel
i couldn't imagine to feel someone else
the thought of it always gets me overwhelmed
i hate separating from people i love
but i go forever without anyone
i will go for days and not say any words
you won't hear from me cause i sit back and lurk
closing the drapes to block out any light
the things that i do i would never advise
it's so bad for me and hm, i wonder why
growing more acne and i'm not surprised
don't look at me, please don't look at my face
the way that you stare makes me humiliate
i swear i get uglier
i don't look the same
you won't recognize me by how much i've changed
changed

update failed

sprawled out on this park bench
bloodshed
take a look at what the note read
lighting darts, but the smoke bled
cherry red
lush trees now they all dead

guarantee they don't know me now
ghast rain on this old town
muddy soot in my background
vexation when the suns down

in the coupe now
imma drown it out
with these subtle sounds
theres nobody around

sprawled out on this park bench
bloodshed
take a look at what the note read
lighting darts, but the smoke bled
cherry red
lush trees now they all dead

how could I have knew
understanding you
would never come to view

she hate me under suns
she love me under moons
wish I could smile too
x2
these shadows in my room
the way the flowers bloom
telling me its June

starlight through the roof
my hands ten and two
what do I pursue?

sunsets over anguish (Irby)

guitars done by @prodjpjp
rest produced by heylog

lyrics:
starving now, it gets pretty bad
you saw it all get split in half
about every bridge has been collapsed
old friends of mine slowly detached
i think it's all my fault
questioning if i'm wrong
how do i make it stop
can't rest at all

one call was all i needed
right now, i feel completed
2019 is over
been four years and got lower
though, for me it stood out
bleed to just hear one sound
i'd die to hear that noise
the calmness of your voice
i knew how it'd turn out
soon you'd be leaving town
and i couldn't bare that thought
was hard to move on
32 degrees, lungs get colder by the second
been through hell and out
it's like there's some type of obsession
wondering the choice you made if you've ever regret it
if you gotta say something why don't you come confess it
everytime you mention how, i need to find me
don't know what ur tryna say
don't know what u mean
i think ur just saying words
you're just saying things
even you confuse yourself
you don't know what to think
the reason why i live is to hope for a day
to finally see guidance leading ur way
wonder how to start, wonder where i go
all of it requires leaving my home
been through a bit and so much has gone
you don't gotta be sorry if i went through a lot
i can see us starting a family
i think it's the only thing that'll help me

starving now, it gets pretty bad
you saw it all get split in half
about every bridge has been collapsed
old friends of mine slowly detached
i think it's all my fault
questioning if i'm wrong
how do i make it stop
can't rest at all
heart's pounding strong
been up for hours
the sun's almost up
like how do i do it
she say, "where you been"
no where
just haven't checked my phone to use it
it's all gone down in carnage
debris in my lungs
wake up, feel like garbage
and get my yeti cup
i'm obsessed, pop a can of caffeine
even 300mg can barely do a thing to me

carnage

cover of the song "lady may" by tyler childers
re-produced by logan

lyrics:
i'm a stones throw from the mill
and i'm a good walk to the river
when my working day is over 
we'll go swim our cares away
put your toes down in the water
and a smile across your face
and tell me that you love me
lovely lady may
now i ain't the sharpest chisel
that your hands have ever held
well darling i could love you well
til the roll is called on high
i've seen my share of trouble
and i've held my weight in shame
but i'm baptized in your name
lovely lady may

lord the wind can leave you shivering
as it waltzes o'er the leaves
it's been rushin through my timber
til your love brought on the spring
now the mountains all are blushin
and they don't know what to say
except a good long line of praises
for my lovely lady may
now i ain't toughest hickory
that your ax has ever felt
but i'm a hickory just as well
i'm a hickory all the same
i came crashin through the forest
as you cut my roots away
and i felt a good long way
for my lovely lady may

lady may cover (tyler childers)

lyrics
look at how you all change
looking at me all strange
run your mouth some more and imma show you how my grip range
such a fucking damn shame
none your friends don't know your name
used to light the blunts inside the coupe but now you all lame
pussy on some damn games
memories you don't claim
hope y'all find my body laying cold beneath the doorframe
imma do it my way
beamer on the highway
smokey tint and velvet seats be swerving through the workday

ecstasy switchblades
all of this built rage
autumn on Tuesday
winter on Thursday
drinking the worst days
smoking the good days
thinking the worst ways
sleeping gone get paid

40 oz bottles in the backset
we don't need a taxi
residential. tatted on her ass cheek
fucking on a nasty
oxy on a backstreet
you aint fucking with me unless I got you in the bed sheets

spread sheet 
dead sheets
phasing through the floor
haven't heard a word from that fucker since 4
if you didn't wanna show then learn how to hit ignore
guess I'll pour 2 cups for myself and your whore

bitch made
bitch made you aint winning
this my
this my new beginning
my blood
my blood I've been thinning
2 days
2 night I've been spinning

lame (santana)

r.i.p. the old fisherman. we never did get to have a final fishing trip. 

I love you pop

lyrics
if these legs still worked
i'd take you far
to my favorite spot
where the crows could watch
every cast you throw
every stick you catch
every wave you smack
if the wife was sane
maybe i'd take her too
but if i talk right now
they wont come till june
to get me out this chair
so i'll wait for the final trip

the old fisherman (michael harrison)

'12 gauge' produced by heylog

lyrics:
moving swift, moving clean
all my thrift big on me
and i look goofy when i see
order double in xl
when my body lean as hell
and it's all because i'm well
maybe i should get clothes
that i fit for my size
there are barely i own
jacket got holes in it
but ima still throw it on
cause i don't care if it's ripped
you'll never know
you'll never know
where she had went and where'd she go
i wanna leave
i wanna leave
i wonder what is stopping me
she loves borrowing my wardrobe
said i smell good, so you wear all of my clothes
and they come back smelling like her
next thing u know she has my whole attire

i'll wait 
till u make ur mind up
she wants 
everything i wear cause
all of 
it is oversized
the sleeves are 
well below her thighs
don't take 
every single thing i own
cause i'll 
need it back before u go
and she 
wonders why i said that
i'm not 
confident that this'll last

you ever think about where i been?
you ever think about who we was
cause i do
but i just pretend i don't care about us
she's always apologetic to me
but when did u ever do anything
cause i don't
i hope u will never forget about home

and she always tried on my clothes
i pretend and fake it all
what u don't know
oh, you don't know
keeping secrets way too long
and i cannot continue this
i'm struggling to exist
and u don't know
oh, you don't know
thoughts begin to overflow
you would ask for an extra large to wear
but i only have double x in there
oh but she'll wear anything that i give
so next time i'll come over with ur cares

shutting me down, wake up from rem
i had a dream of us both laying in bed
but when i woke up i thought that it was real
i tried to go back to sleep to get a feel
of what it was like again to see your eyes
i knew it was impossible if i tried
now i'm just laying here, eyelids open
i stare into darkness tryna see objects
the only thing i see is my closet ahead
the same one that bears a certain turtle neck
the same closet thats got my 'retta encaged
the same closet thats got my locked up 12 gauge
and here are these nights i spend alone
turn off the lights, open window
jump into bed, plug in my phone
when i still got 90% left to go
and i fall asleep, but before i do
i sit in silence for an hour or two
these vivid thoughts get into view
and this what it sound like when i dream of you

12 gauge

Prod ERXN & heylog

every photo, im not recognised
its always black and white, with some grain inside
you would think that i was tryna hide
im really not i just hate what i see

you wouldnt like it no doubt
ill force my hand over your mouth
youre half the size of me now
bruise on your knees start to sprout

look to my left, im in a forest where im tryna find 
a piece of you that just keeps falling down beside my side
i ran right through the forest path we did a thousand times
im scared that I wont make it back I might of lost my mind 
might of broke down for a minute but its cool 
image distorted in my vision when you call 
i know its just anxiety but if its more 

ima need a Prozac for this 
if you never loved me that's shit 
keep me out of line like im wearing high viz 
keep me outside like im never not in 
if you need me il die il tell you im in 
see me outside come around real quick 
baby I know the way to try and get your hate out 
click it back and put it to my face now

man i wish that she was close
hanging out, youre on the phone
think that i just found a home
hopefully we'll always grow
11 days until i board my flight
i just gotta know if youre worth my time
moving on to better things
she found me, shes in love w me
she always wants to say my name
yeah all she does is say my name
and i love her honesty
you really put my mind at ease
she wants to call me everyday
just so she can say my name

Spotify

BRUISE w/ hiraeth & heylog

produced by logan

if you need me i wont be there
when you wake up, in front are stairs
have to hold back on what i want
i would love to be this blunt
save yourself
dont die in my arms
if word got out, youd be behind bars
save yourself
dont bleed in my arms
if you got out, youd be behind bars

i know something you dont know
i know i know i know i know
think im stupid? ive watched you close
im watchin watchin watchin been watchin
hows the weather over there
tell me why the fuck you scared

scared

produced by heylog

lyrics:
tread light, proceed with caution
months passed, i missed the pollen
carry weight that slowly turns to rust
and i'm thinking "what could've been done?"
wonder what's in the deep end
jump off, i swim for a reason
this the worst place i could ever go
and i sleep like "what could i have known"
residue
slip if i'm not using chalk
dirty wounds keep burning from the salt
come with me only if you're not opposed
i'm paranoid
is there something i should know

what is there to know (7x)
WHAT IS THERE TO KNOW (2x)

keep thinking i'm being stalked
i'm convinced i'm being watched
if that's true, i hope it's not
can't believe the time is up

shh

you're too late
that was the best i've felt
i'm so sorry i couldn't contain myself
i say things some would probably hate me for
just know i'm not here when you're at the door
i left a note
did you bother to look
someone had to plant their foot
just understand 
if i see another bird
come toward me, i'm pulling up the dirt

i got the remote
i'm now under control
toggle emote
and hit the swish like free throw
i'm not too bright
it's interesting what i know though
i pinched a nerve
but that snake had to go
man down
that's an elim
look bro, you gotta see this
feels like playin reload
the whole damn lobby on my penis
i'm starting to feel bad
you suck at making decisions
cast out, then reel back
maybe there's something i'm missing
i got no time, put it all way past me
i'm out of the loop, couldn't care what is happening
europe flight, got to finish up packing
lord these cathedral faces are dazzling
no time for none of that
it's day here while you're sleepin
i got a flight to catch
PROVIDE THE FOOD AND FEED EM
I CAN'T LET ANYONE STARVE
PISS OFF IF YOU ARE A LARP
NOTHING BUT DIRT TO ME NOW
AND THAT'S COMING FROM THE HEART

dirt

spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/3MyYxx8xvAuXSBjaWn3Ytx?si=ZqOKI-RpQCqi0fdaVRg1mQ
video: https://youtu.be/aSLd-sA_r8E?si=zJtO76JZEkzhwppL
amv: https://youtu.be/EFWBgiBOOsI?si=xGHMcNo8ZR7M7D4_

produced by heylog

i was looking at her eyes
i could tell she wanna die
wait, don't
i will be alone no
please don't go (please don't go) (please don't go)
please don't go (please don't go) (please don't go) (please don't go)
this is how it ends (this is how it ends)
i watch 'em all pretend (i watch 'em all pretend)
this is how it ends (this is how it ends)
drowning in our sins (drowning in our sins)
i was looking in her soul, she remind me of a ghoul
i think that she want me gone
come near me i'll bash your skull (bask your skull)
this is how it ends (this is how it ends)
i watch 'em all pretend (i watch 'em all pretend)
this is how it ends (this is how it ends)
drowning in our sins (drowning in our sins)

it's time to speed up
i am fed up with these people
go home
the world is falling off
i wanna go home
this ain't us
rewind
i wanna rewind back to you
beside
i wanna be beside close to you (close to you) (close to you)

heylog - how it ends

Part editing, Mixing and Mastering made by Powertoast Music

A shoutout to Powertoast who helped me remaster the song
https://soundcloud.com/powertoast

“Caretaker” is my story about being the parent to my own mother. I was the one cooking, calming, cleaning up, talking her down from pills and panic, carrying the weight of her addiction and illness while trying to hold together a life of my own. Every time I tried to leave to save myself, she collapsed, said I was all she had, and threatened to end it, so I kept coming back, convinced that loving her meant keeping her alive.

The song starts at the moment I finally broke and said I could not do it anymore, and then gets to the call two days later telling me she was gone, pills on the floor. It sits in that ugly mix of relief, anger, love, and survivor’s guilt that keeps whispering I killed her by choosing myself, even though I know her life was never really in my hands.

“Caretaker” is me grieving not just her death, but the years I spent fading into her chaos, and the mother I never really got to have. It is a goodbye from someone who did not like who she became at the end, but still hurts because she is gone, and is only now trying to believe that walking away does not make me a monster.

carnage

heylog

Recent comments

casior

Celest Ecdysis

999.

hm

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