time

It's a litle cold being alone but its better than being in a prison 

Cold of a missing lover

my most favorite dominic fike song, hope i did it some justice here lol

i've learned to feel like the king of everything after losing you 5 years ago. motherfucker still feels like yesterday, but what these past 5 years have been for me. been through alot. achieved the somewhat unexpected by getting a bachelors and masters degree, alongside working with smokeasac. also had some pretty turbulent, god awful anxious years such as the entirety of 2024. some turbulent relationships failing to be mended such as with my dad and most of my friendships if any, as well as turbulent moments with my 3 panic attacks sending me into shock within the same hour from doing cocaine from 10am to 10pm on my 22nd birthday probably standing as the biggest. and yet, some of your last words to me were pleading to remind myself that i was so young, begging for me to continue living life, and that i shouldn't have been checking up on you as much as i did during the turbulent terminal times you were going through. however, nevertheless all i know is how your soul, wisdom and guidance seldom failed in keeping my sanity intact throughout all of my turbulence; reminding me of what pure good exists out there in the world, and that only i hinder myself from reaching it and letting it seep into my own life. 

and so for your role of unabashedly being the most compassionate and reassuring guardian angel i could have ever possibly asked for, i only ask of you to fly so high, rest so eternally easy, and to be so sure of the fact that we will meet face-to-face once again some day and that until then, i will make you feel so inexplicably proud of me and my life decisions from this day forward jess. we all still miss you and your silly, young and soul-crushingly loving soul. the void you've left has since left an evident crushing and piercing void of an imprint onto this world -- but still, we all carry on for you. happy 5th. <3

king of everything (cover)

https://ifidieinmississippi.bandcamp.com/album/artless

artless

this could be us but u playin'

king of trees
burn these leaves
that swallow me
i cant see
and now the sky
is turned
to black
and white
i might
its fine if you feel
sick when im here
ill stay alone
hate you all
but u, boy unchained
swallow rain drown again
its your brain thats in the race
dont tell me this cannot erase

pic by rob

r u awake

baby wants to fight
always wearing black
mommys not alright
never coming back
i like the way you pull your face
it tears in two the metal taste and
i will make you feel completely
ravaged, ruined underneath me
i am burning up
watch the smoke come out
cook until it's tough
open up your mouth
you bite too hard your teeth are crooked
blood and spit misunderstood
ill pull your collar lead you there
it is heaven please just dont be
scared  of his face
hear  what ive seen
stand  in his place
rot  flesh like me

pic by rob
http://oldcondom.tumblr.com/

self

plea-s

#2- The Loner(s)

im in the dark with my head in my hands
what am i worth if i am not a man
want to go home but i already am
all of this life ill be stuck in my head
warm and safe feelings i dont want to leave
its starting to hurt every time that i breathe
im letting go of what isnt here now
wont forget the bitter taste in my mouth
i know this is what i get
privileged piece of shit is dead
living dying nothing
nothing nothing nothing
i am nothing
feels like nothing
i see nothing
i am nothing
i am nothing

phosphene

frail is how I see me
giving up on changing is ending me
feeling like I can’t feel
just another symptom you can’t heal

find nothing in everything 
mend my brain don’t want to break again
i can make you crave to be
someone that you’re really afraid to see

ignoring that corner inside of my
mind
tried to make sense of the patterns
im wrong
dream of a beauty in being so 
dull
disordered condition of living 
done choice

heart pounding why not be
learn to swim inside the dark abyss
you can make me so weak
use me like you used to when im sick

ignoring that corner inside of my
hell
tried to make sense of the patterns
they’re gone
dream of a beauty in being so 
numb
disordered condition of dying 
done choice

phosphene

hysterla