Body Terror Song (AJJ cover)

lyrics:

im becoming consistently worse everyday
and i am turning into someone i really hate
and time just ticks on the final day will never come
i can’t give up so i am forced to keep on
all ive wanted is suddenly so grey and dull
aspirations have turned into a muddy blob
nothing spikes me and nothing ever really stays
only person i trusted to suddenly went away

sleeping till the day is new 
sleeping till i feel confused  
doing all the things i shouldn’t 
picking fights and acting stupid 
no one really sees me do they?
if they did why are they here then?
all i do is make them sad
all i do is always bad


how i wish i never mattered to anyone
dissapointing is worse when its someone you love
and thats what i do, consistently ill let you down
i promise you, its better if you get out now
all I’ve wanted is suddenly so out of reach
how i miss it, the hopeful naitivity 
back when i dreamed, so convinced it’d work out soon
only 15, now im 23 in june

sleeping till the time is stuck
sleeping till i can’t wake up
doing everything to get by
is that why im still alive now?
why have i not cracked the code yet?
am i looking in the wrong place?
all i do is push my luck
all i do is always wrong

Always Wrong

lyrics inspired by an english translation found on youtube.
most were rewritten by me though. wanted 2 make this, because i found many of the english covers to have incredibly awkward pacing and this song is so good so it needed a proper cover me thinks.

lyrics:
I just cannot talk to anyone now
I really have no clue how
Am I dumb?

Again I'm all alone on the road to home
I can't even say goodbye to anyone
waiting around will not help me after all
THAT'S IT!
This is only the start!

Cooped up in my room, lifes easier online
It's been a while since I spoke to anyone *cough cough*
Sunshine or rain shower, everythings the same
THAT'S IT!
It's definitely not my fault!

So what if I'm wasting time?
So what if I'm all alone?
If I take this seriously...
I will be popular!!

Hey Mirror mirror on the wall, do you enjoy seeing me cry?
Please do not! Please just stop! i dont like you!
Hey Mirror mirror on the wall, you’re way too honest, can’t you lie?
Just pretend you don't hear it!
Why can’t you show the inner beauty that is beating in my chest?
In your head, that's just all, in your head 
What i see reflected in you just cannot be my true self
Get a life and LIVE IT

Tomorrow will be just like yesterday
why? what for? I dont know!
Guess I'm dumb

Talking to myself, talking to myself, talking to myself
It has to stop one day
But who can i who can i who can i even talk to anyways
on my own on my own i am laughing by myself
i guess i should just go to bed

being on my own being on my own being on my own
I’ve gotten good at that
But who can i, who can i, who can i even blame for where i am?
on my own on my own i am laughing by myself
thats it! its definitely not my fault!

the unnoticed bug of sadness.. wakens as a butterfly
if i get more serious, i will be popular!

oh heaven heaven up above, can i be beautiful enough?
i dont know, please just stop, i dont like you
oh sunny weather up above, can you shine sunlight on me yet?
it won’t make any difference

tomorrow i’ll be better than right now
or is this all just a dream after all?

i cannot talk to people anymore
(and no one cares, they’re not listening)
but i can talk to the mirror on my wall
(mirror, mirror, listen up)
tomorrow i’ll be better than before
(unnoticed bug.. will always go unnoticed)
tomorrow i’ll be better than right now
right? right?

Hey Mirror mirror on the wall, do you enjoy seeing me cry?
Please do not! Please just stop! i dont like you!
Hey Mirror mirror on the wall, you’re way too honest, can’t you lie?
Just pretend you don't hear it!
Why can’t you show the inner beauty that is beating in my chest?
In your head, that's just all, in your head 
what i see reflected in you just cannot be  my  true self
Get a life and LIVE IT
Tomorrow will be just likee yesterday
why? what for? i dont know!
Guess I'm dumb

Watamote Ending (English Cover)

no surprises (radiohead cover)

this version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD81z-YJX-g

Mom - Bloodeater (cover)

lyrics:
god it sucks to want to want but  lord I’ve tried and i just dont
i need something to stay afloat, got cinderblocks for feet  i know 
“just try your best” i do i did, im standing on a falling cliff
“just take your pills” i did, i do, how many more until im thru?

this liferaft I’ve been granted is just cardboard and its slanted
and wherever i was going doesn’t matter anymore
its hard to care bout destinations when you’re drowning on the way
so if i hear another “years from now” i swear ill go insane

i miss my shrink i had in 2020, miss the years i left my room
the years where i could give a fuck about the things i feel or do
i miss when i was singing to nobody in my childhood home
when nothing felt performative, and bettering was full of hope

my god thou hath forsaken me, and birds are picking at my corpse
im strung out for you all to see, but all i get is: love this song
im overwhelmingly aware of everything that i do wrong
but how can i change that, theres nowhere to go if i move on

nowhere to go if i move on

and god how could i ever know  how useless it would feel to hope
the more i am disappointed the more i expect the worst i know
“just call the hotlines” oh i did, they told me to just go to sleep
“just call your shrink” and oh i will, but shes sick like she always is

this “bettering” im searching for is nothing but a canker sore
a wound that i keep touching so it cannot ever heal
its something i’ve been wishing since i was just a little kid
but it just hurt to realise the thing i want was never real

i miss the years i wasn’t sick, when i was ignorant in bliss
when i was small enough to play and never think about a thing
where i was on the swingset so convinced that i really could fly
now if i see a swingset  i can’t help but start to cry

my shrink thou hath forsaken me, a month between each useless talk
i keep on eating worthless meds and keep on getting worse and all
i want is to be better but what does that even mean?
i keep on wishing  i will wake up and this all would be a dream

Canker Sore

Victimless Crime

loser

forgive me father i have sinned
its been 2 years since my last album
every song I’ve written since
have been about not writing   i won’t
bore you with the details
i will spare you all the gore
please dont pick my brain for reasons 
why i haven’t written more

i was once a young musician   only 16  full of spark
with promising ambition  i  made  a lot of art
i wore my guitar on my back  no matter where i’d go i took it with
i wrote so many songs and didn’t care that they were mostly shit
in the years since i have wondered , what exactly caused the change
cus at some point in adulthood    writing turned into a pain
now i pick my words with caution ,  i am scared of every verse
perfectionism haunts me with its unproductive curse

i was once a  smaller being  truly hopeful to a fault
i was freshly turned adult yet  still a child inside my heart
the way i felt like i was owed something, a life devoid of pain
the same way everything  turns out alright    before the movie ends
i’ve learned that life  is merely life   just random acts of consequence
i hate to be so cynical  but  thats how i protect myself
from thinking i am owed a good life   just because i was abused
not that i am not, but it is work,   not a decided truth

forgive me father i have sinned
its been 2 years since my last album
every song I’ve written since
have been about not writing   i won’t
bore you with the details
i will spare you all the gore
please dont pick my brain for reasons 
why i haven’t written more

Life Is Merely Life

lyrics:

good damage   is  the damage  that is worthy of me writing about
the baggage i manhandle  until the moral of the story falls out
i need purpose  for the hurting ,  if i can’t undo  whats already been done
i subvert it into learning     to feel like theres a point to it all

theres  damage   i manage    and theres damage that is hard to admit
no lessons   to learn from    nothing i can make of it
but i keep it   tucked tightly   so close  it feels apart of my skin
if i leave it   just slightly   didn’t you get away with it?

so i cannot forgive you
but i can’t surrender the pain 
all there is left for me to do is remember
if i let go , forget it
then did it really happen at all ?
if my damage is just damage
then  how am  i suposed to go on?

i was 13  when i met you   but you said i was mature for my age
i was lonely   and  reclusive     so i was easy to manipulate
you told me  you loved me   and put me thru such horrible shit
how could you want me   when i was just a fucking kid?

so i cannot forgive you
but i can’t surrender the pain 
all there is left for me to do is remember
if i let go , forget it
then did it really happen at all ?
if my damage is just damage
then  how am  i suposed to go on?

Good Damage

Trust In The Process

unfinished, forgotten & scrapped songs, demos & ideas i've decided needed more love than they got when i made them . these are from 2019-2024, & i hope you like them <3

overwhelming over-involvement

baby im a loser

self-sabotage

rinse & repeat

one last time

Uncanny Valley

doll parts (hole cover)

lyrix:

instead of rooting to get better      i started rooting to stand still
almost in spite of my past self   who thought the answer was a pill
a piece of paper stating something  that i deep down already knew
that i was damaged by my circumstances
damaged thru and thru

what doesn’t kill me makes me worse
it makes me unhappy and jaded
uncontrollably  neurotic   but  emotionally constipated
stuck  in patterns  painted by a family i’m now estranged from
painful as it is  there isn’t anyone  to blame my life on

if i   were to do that  i would have to ignore facts
i would have to look beyond the fact  that my dad too had a dad 
and everything  my parents taught me  was also taught to them by theirs
and on it goes, so on so on,    it makes me painfully  aware

that who i am is predisposed,  decided  by my blood
thats why i know i’ll get addicted if i experiment with drugs
i do my best to be the opposite  of who i might’ve been
if i had followed in the footsteps, never questioning a thing

instead of hoping   to get better  i started hoping to get worse
almost in spite  of every doctor , shrink and condescending nurse
who’d seem delighted  when they’d tell me   there was nothing they could do
what kinda medical professional  are you?

cus i never asked to be a burden   or another stack of forms
is there a place between fake sympathies and being totally ignored?
been in and out the public hospital for almost 7 years or so
too well adjusted  for commitment  but too sick to be let go

so i show up to the sessions   with the kleenex by the chair
and i weekly talk to someone who doesn’t really have to care
it feels pointless , imma lost cause,  but he doesn’t quite agree
maybe he can change my mind, i guess we’ll have to see?

i am mourning  my free will,   that i feel robbed of  in a sense
cus i was put into this world   inside somebody else’s mess
and now i have to  do the work   i really shouldn’t have to do
but i am damaged by my circumstance
damaged thru and thru

Damaged Thru And Thru

Anyone Else But You by The Moldy Peaches (cover by bloodgirl and zombieboy)

doctor appointment after doctor appointment
i am lying to myself when i say that i dont want it
in a way it gives me purpose, it brings a point to life
if i cant get well and do stuff
i might as well comply
so im the sick one once again, the one who doesnt go to school
the one whos eyes are red cus they are crying in the bathroom
im stuck in a loop
in my own groundhog day
replaying the same lines and phrases over again

my friends are growing tired cus i never answer texts
the only thing that brings me joy is buying shit and yet
i lay surrounded by the stuff i buy feeling so alone
knowing i am spending so much money i dont have and so
theres a doctor appointment and a doctor appointment
im sitting in the waiting room tryna dig into the noise and
before i go out i cut myself cus whats the use?
in case she doesnt think im sick enough ill have some proof
its so disturbing making someone sick in charge of their own health
and im the one whos calling in and sceaming to the void for help
ive done so now for 5 years and yeah i got some pills
but i have nothing more to show for it, i still operate like this

so to my doctor appointment, at my doctor appointment
i am bringing a friend cus im afraid that they wont trust me
like why is it so hard to send me away
to the emergency room
i can stay surrounded by people who'll actually help
scanning and tryna find whats wrong in my brain
cus theres a lump in my neck and im afraid that ill die
i just want to be alive and just be alive

and at my doctor appointment, my last doctor appointment
i sobbed my way thru tryna ask her to refer me
to someone with knowledge of trauma and pain
but she couldnt do much, she was just a temp
but still i cried on the way back, it felt like the end
like this was my chance and i had blown it again
i dont like having this illness but now it is me
and now at least i can focus it on something

the next doctor appointment, the next doctor appointment
will be just like the rest cus she cant do nothing for me
i know i'll have to go home and feel numb inside
but then at least i have something to feel numb about
i was always the quiet kid in the back of the class
staring out the window at the fingerprinted glass
imagining my future 20 year old me instead
just how much better i would be at life by then

Doctor Appointment After Doctor Appointment

Constant Headache - Joyce Manor (cover by Blood Girl)

lyrics:

trying is just a slippery slope to sadness
which is a slippery slope to madness
which is a hollywood word for how i exist and work i guess

and love is  just another word for obnoxious
which is  to say i am loveless
maybe thats why i am scared of you and what you do

when you like me enough to make me feel like im good
when you love me i think maybe i could love too
i always thought i might be bad now i know that its true
cus i think you’re so good and im nothing like you

and you took me apart like a ball jointed doll
put a heart where i used to be just ribs with a skull
now i hurt when you leave is that better than before
now i just want you to love me more and more and more


kill me  use me for what is my purpose
choke me until i turn purple
instead of your mild and self sacrificing humanising

my love is  closer to something thats toxic
than love that is just something lovely
which is why i dont kiss cus i can taste myself on them

can you love me again if im a horrible friend?
if i push you away to make more room for myself?
if im broken and hurting and stuck in a loop?
always saying the same things embarrassing you?

can you break me until i am broken enough
to pathetically think that i understand love
its all a mental decoy    im a broken toy
mistaking attention for joy

bleeding is maybe something to do with competing
just a proof that our bodies are fleeting
living life to the fullest has always been the weirdest thing

and love has always caused nothing but problems
if u see my exes please tell them
that pain is a virtue  yet still nothing really quite compares  to how you sometimes dye my hair and love me even when im   sick     i know i dont deserve it

trying is just a slippery slope to surviving
and thats why im writing and writing
never quite finishing any songs so i write more and more and more and more and more

Trying

body works like this:
in dire need of validation
everything will revolve around that then
every little talk every word that comes outta my mouth is desperate
and hungry for a love
and hunger works like this:
been starved for true affection so i cling on to whoever treats me nice
i yearn for hugs and compliments i yearn for hugs and pats on head
like im just a spoiled little child

and im tired of feeling so small  or feeling none at all  or wanting to be seen when someones looking straight at me its like
when am i satisfied? will i ever know if i am? am i just wasting peoples time?

cause i really want to be
a person who is fine without anyone else
not a person isolated but someone who likes themselves
enough to function on their own someone who doesn’t freak out if somebodys looked at them wrong
and wrong is meaning this:
cold or maybe distant   maybe im just paranoid  but i always feel annoying  or maybe i am just annoyed
i just want to be connected   want to be completely fine  tired of feeling so conflicted about everything cause i am

tired of feelings so big  and feeling like shit   and wanting to give up on life every two seconds 
i wish i didn’t know why im so upset all the time
cause the knowing makes it harder cause i always have to compromise

tired of speaking in tongues or never speaking up  and praying everyone thinks i am somewhat good enough
i want to be my own but im at everybody’s feet
bowing to the ground and crying begging that they love me

but theres also

a little bit of fear
of everyone i know
they have this scary power 
to leave me  if they wanted
i thrive when by myself  but im scared of my head   im scared of my thoughts   im scared of feeling dead
a little bit of fear
of everyone i know  
they have this scary power
to leave me in a moment       i like it by myself   but i also need my friends   i need to feel connected   i need to leave my bed

Body Works

lyrics:

what is a body
should it be a safehouse
all i feel inside me is stuff thats tryna get out
just a bit too big here
just a tad to tight there
i fit way too wrong
like my voice , like this song

playing my guitar
for people who are grateful
some are calling me a girl
i have a soft shell like a grapefruit
easy to be beaten
drop me on the floor
i dont like to look down 
so i bind until im sore

i have bodyparts
i dont recognise
easier to deal with when im ugly on the outside
pretty is too cis for me , a dyke with no foundation
body too messed up to be a place i feel ok in

ugly like a duckling
but ill never be swan
i just put on a new face
so i dont feel fucking confined
boxes i can pick and choose from
weren’t made for me
they have labels in block letters
but i dont know how to read

what is a body
should it be a teapot
stirring at the water that is 
flowing from my tear ducts
drink this to get bigger
eat this to get small
cannot fit into the hole
i punched into my wall

what is a body ? broken can be fixed
so whats a proper word for i was forced into this skin
i didn’t want it  but i got it  , still i hate this situation
body too messed up to be a place i feel ok in

What Is A Body

lyrics:

this song won’t write it self instead i yank it out with force
i keep on twisting hoping something gives something like sweet remorse
i dont remember anymore why i now avoid my friends
something just split in me and then i kept on wishing for the end
i had a conflict brewing up, something that felt just like a storm
but now my feelings simmered down and chose to hide and shrivel up
i cannot vocalise my fears i cannot feel when i am mad
i cannot dream about the good i only dream about the bad

hi how are you? i am shit, in fact im getting worse and worse
i want to cry but i feel numb, someone just call the fucking nurse
i keep on hitting what i thought was now the lowest of my low
but then theres something under that, another endless hungry hole
i know you’ll hate me in the end, i feel it come to that at last
i am too needy, im too much, i am like touching broken glass
you cannot care for me enough, and i can’t satisfy my needs
so i will want and i will want and never feel relief
i want to die i want to dig a hole to hide in for a while
i want to sleep until i finally wake up and start to cry
i feel so strung up like a rubberband, two seconds till i pop
but i can’t stop myself from bottling everything up

i am wicked worse and what a curse that is
to be the ever lonely wicked witch
i am so overly involved
but i am still detached
i want to help you but i can’t

I Can't

lyrics:

just because i survived 
doesnt make me stronger
i dont feel like a survivor
i feel like frankensteins monster
artificially alive
with shackles stapled to my ankles
carrying weights that aren’t mine
with a body torn and tangled

i am still alive just like a cockroach
hiding underneath your sink
i survived but not on purpose
and what do i have to show for it?
a repertoire of sorry songs
and calloused fingers playing chords
i write and write with no prevail

i have a backpack full of rocks but all the rocks build up in time
and whilst i know their mine to carry , they were never really mine
i have to bear your heavy burden, have to bear it and survive
but god i can’t keep pushing rocks up hills when they keep rolling down

so im staying in my dirt hole
like an ostrich saving face
leave my tossed out dirty clothes around
like a makeshift bed
and if i curl up in the corner
to cry until i sleep
that’ll be another question
i’ll avoid and then repeat

not saving myself for anyone
im saving you from me
cus im as toxic as a wasteland
and as awful as can be
im like candy good in portions
but ill carve holes in your teeth
and ill smother all your organs
till you grow tired of me

i have a chain that jinge jangles all the way home to my bed
and if my bodys scarred and mangled that means im making progress
i know moving on will hurt and holy fuck it hurts like hell
but god i can’t push rocks up hills without hurting myself

Hurting Myself

Nothing Came Out (The Moldy Peaches cover)

64 little white things (cake bake betty cover)

true love waits (radiohead cover)

Hello. I am Blood Girl! 
I am a 26 year old creature that sings about sadness and bettering

Blood Girl

Pinned to spotlight

Popular tracks