blood girl

Blubgrrl!!

🩸👧

Untitled Playlist

Got My Diagnosis Yesterday

lyrics:

im becoming consistently worse everyday
and i am turning into someone i really hate
and time just ticks on the final day will never come
i can’t give up so i am forced to keep on
all ive wanted is suddenly so grey and dull
aspirations have turned into a muddy blob
nothing spikes me and nothing ever really stays
only person i trusted to suddenly went away

sleeping till the day is new 
sleeping till i feel confused  
doing all the things i shouldn’t 
picking fights and acting stupid 
no one really sees me do they?
if they did why are they here then?
all i do is make them sad
all i do is always bad


how i wish i never mattered to anyone
dissapointing is worse when its someone you love
and thats what i do, consistently ill let you down
i promise you, its better if you get out now
all I’ve wanted is suddenly so out of reach
how i miss it, the hopeful naitivity 
back when i dreamed, so convinced it’d work out soon
only 15, now im 23 in june

sleeping till the time is stuck
sleeping till i can’t wake up
doing everything to get by
is that why im still alive now?
why have i not cracked the code yet?
am i looking in the wrong place?
all i do is push my luck
all i do is always wrong

Always Wrong

drawn to the blood (sufjan stevens cover)

Victimless Crime

growing old

all i do

she makes me happy

the ballad of us

hopeless

improv crying

lets just say 5 years in and my anti depressants work
no more therapy except for when the symptoms get worse and i get
not depressive just sad

will i be alright? do i have a job? do i have a lover and do i have a dog?
do i feel the world  can i see the sun   do i play guitar  or do i bite my thumb
do i dream of real stuff or am i still in bed
laying in my own filth clawing at my head

do i see the real world
as it actually is
will i kiss a real girl
and finally feel bliss

fuck my brain   fuck the haunting pain
fuck the world that tells me that its not really there
if i wasn’t sick  why am i like this?    wouldn’t i be not depressive just sad

but will i have life? will i have enough time? will i get a wife? a family that i
feel safe in, will i run? will i see the sun? or will i keep on crying and crying and crying

do i see the real stuff
do i ask enough
or do i ask just too much
just too much

Shit

z0mbieboy

lyrics:

dont want bandaids or the pills
just an all inclusive cure
something i can eat for breakfast
that will make me always sure
not doubting everything about everyone
about something dumb that i should have done
maybe thinking less is the cure i want
but its also all that i have become

thinking, always thinking
wished for a switch-off button to my brain
wished for hypnosis, wished for death
always wished more or less
but all i am is what i am not
never happy or good enough
i want the good things
the things i cannot have
what the sickness chose 
that i should never get

fuck this brain, fuck fuckworld but i live here
in this prison of terminal illness nightmare
im a cliché of myself
but i keep on writing whether you want me to or not
cause its the only thing that ive got
its the only thing that ive got

will you take what i give?
even if its pure toxic?
i promised to be better
while i kept on cutting
and i kept on isolating myself
even tho i knew it hurt you
and i see my mother in the mirror
and it fucks me up

cus im not what i want
or what anyone wants

Thinking, Always Thinking

lyrics:

dont want ur vomit  ur cis vomit ur het vomit ur shit stormy i dont want ur wise reflections i dont want ur smart corrections fuck your whole world fuck your dad! fuck your visions they’re so sad you’re pathetic    little doggy  have a cracker cry to mommy   i dont give  a shit about what you maybe have to say  so dont try and make it seem like im the one whos in ur way
i beg you to fuck off you tell me behave  i tell you im violent angry and gay
get out of lyrics and out of my brain  i dont want your waving or awkward gooddays 
you fucked with our self worth and now you will pay.   i’ll show you how ugly we really can be
so die already die when i tell you to   i dont want you around me so fuck off or maybe ill shoot
i won’t even eat from your bones you’re body is way too disgusting
i can smell from a mile away that you are already rotting

JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DIE!!!!!!!

puke girl will destroy you she will vomit bleach onto you make you pay the consequences of your shitty cis boy actions you can try to run and hide but we always find your way i have sewage kid to help me and she knows everything
i can read your thoughts you look at me you think that im trying but the one whos really trying is the one who is denying  i can see you dont want answers from your pedestal you’re comfortable
but maybe you need questions cause you dont know anything about

AAAAANYTHING!!!!!!!!!

UR SO STUPPPPIDDD!!!!!!!!!

so just dieeee already die cause i tell you to i dont want you around me so fuck off we aren’t cool
have you ever even thought about the fact that maybe you are wrong?
cause you are you’re an asshole thats the end of this song

Fuck You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lyrics:

guess who broke their streak after 9 pathetic weeks
guess im not as ok as i thought that i could be
i didn’t choose this life but it chose me
then tell me why is it my responsibility

i still do things im not allowed to do
like hit myself and take it out on you
i still cut my thighs now and then and forget to take my medicine
lately i can’t convince myself that i am good deep down


nothing surprises me anymore in my behaviour as a monster
nothing hurts me like the way that i hurt you
and if i killed myself would i hurt you more or would you rather i was here this fucked up
always messing up you
always messing up me too


i didnt want this i hope you know that i do not
do you know that i am sadder right now than i ever ever thought that i could be
who knew me before this shit   or has it always been like this
either way i cut myself today  and i fucked up

cause i like you but thats the whole fucking problem
cause i dont know how to treat people i love so
i dont want to keep on loving you cause is hurting me and also hurting you too
cause i can feel you slipping away
i can feel you slipping away
whys it like this?
it is hurting me which is hurting you which is what i what i always do
always fucking up somehow
i just wish that loving was not so fucking tough  but nothing is and thats why its unfair cause i love you so much so much so much

i am sorry that i love you

i am
i am
i am sorry that i can’t make you understand

you can’t read my mind and i can’t read yours which should be alright but its hard of course
nothing ever is easy with me
but im sorry either way

But Thats The Whole Fucking Problem

lyrics:

tired of seeing my own face
hearing my own songs
spending my own days
tired of always doing everything
doing it for everyone 
with nothing to say

i can’t feel things
i’m just tired
i’m lonely and i’m tired
i feel like i am 15 again
with expirary dates on my friendships
sorta just wasting time alone

why is it that just because i am depressed
i have to feel totally disconnected from my friends
being alone is healthy  sometimes
but i isolate myself then i wanna die

why is it that just because i’m empathetic
people feel like they can fucking forget me
i am needy too,  desperate for love
im sensitive and broken and depend on other people a lot

i cant always be strong
i cant always be tough
i've learned that no matter how bad im feeling
its never bad enough

tired of seeing my own face
hearing my own voice
following my own pace
tired of always giving second chances
third and fourth chances
to everyone

i’m hurt too
i’m tired
and hurt too and i’m tired
i feel like i’m 11 again   
accepting life means isolation
means you just keep to yourself

why is it that i dont know myself
that used to be the only thing i knew well
being depressed is bad
sometimes
but it also makes me look at all the things i dont do right

like feeling that i’m the one
whos supposed to carry everyone i love
im  a fucking idiot too
i’m not always great
i just want somebody to hold me and tell me i’m ok

i cant always be good
i can’t always hold on
i’ve learned that no matter how shitty someone is they’re never shitty enough

Shitty Enuff

body works like this:
in dire need of validation
everything will revolve around that then
every little talk every word that comes outta my mouth is desperate
and hungry for a love
and hunger works like this:
been starved for true affection so i cling on to whoever treats me nice
i yearn for hugs and compliments i yearn for hugs and pats on head
like im just a spoiled little child

and im tired of feeling so small  or feeling none at all  or wanting to be seen when someones looking straight at me its like
when am i satisfied? will i ever know if i am? am i just wasting peoples time?

cause i really want to be
a person who is fine without anyone else
not a person isolated but someone who likes themselves
enough to function on their own someone who doesn’t freak out if somebodys looked at them wrong
and wrong is meaning this:
cold or maybe distant   maybe im just paranoid  but i always feel annoying  or maybe i am just annoyed
i just want to be connected   want to be completely fine  tired of feeling so conflicted about everything cause i am

tired of feelings so big  and feeling like shit   and wanting to give up on life every two seconds 
i wish i didn’t know why im so upset all the time
cause the knowing makes it harder cause i always have to compromise

tired of speaking in tongues or never speaking up  and praying everyone thinks i am somewhat good enough
i want to be my own but im at everybody’s feet
bowing to the ground and crying begging that they love me

but theres also

a little bit of fear
of everyone i know
they have this scary power 
to leave me  if they wanted
i thrive when by myself  but im scared of my head   im scared of my thoughts   im scared of feeling dead
a little bit of fear
of everyone i know  
they have this scary power
to leave me in a moment       i like it by myself   but i also need my friends   i need to feel connected   i need to leave my bed

Body Works

realised too late that the title is gramatically incorrect but oh well.

lyrics:
first time i told anyone that i had ocd
they almost laughed a little bit about the fact but not at me
because the fact was i was sick but everyone kinda assumed
that i could not have ocd when they took a step into my room
with my sheets half off my bed and half my closet on the floor
and torn up papers, bags of garbage, stickers splattered on my door
forever messy all my life, a joke that followed since i was a kid
so no one realised when i got sick and couldn’t do anything.

i didn’t know i had compulsions, never questioned them for long.
the things i did to make myself calm down was not what felt so wrong.
it was my brain and all its humming noise, its never-ending sounds.
and even if it wasn’t screaming static it was always loud.
before i knew about obsessions id had grown used to the fact
that sometimes thoughts or weird ideas would stick around but then they’d pass
of course they left after a while and was replaced by something else
but i just thought that that was normal, after all i was a kid.

when i was 16 something changed and the ideas stopped passing by
now replaced by one thought i could not get rid of if i tried
it overshadowed every other thing and kept me up at night
and suddenly it was the only thing id think of all the time.
ocd is such a guilty thing, it feels like being chained.
it feels like you are going crazy with the weight of all the shame
it feels like waking up in mornings fearing for your life
because your brain is tryna convince you that you deserve to die.
its like your toeing on the edge of what is true and what is fake
because your brain is suddenly an unfamiliar place
and like a meatcleaver it cuts your thoughts to pieces without name
and you can’t see whats up and down you only focus on the pain.
its like theres something in your eye so you can only see with one
and there is so much you are missing but you’re convinced you’re not.
you are aware that you are crazy but you’re doubting everyone
and you get lost inside this spiral of fighting and giving up-

its like a shadow in your skull that somehow controls all your thoughts
and there is no room for your rationality or normal stuff
so all you ever really focus on is everything you fear
and everything becomes a phobia until you’re barely there.
i cannot comprehend the hours i have spent in total terror
every night of secret punishments of pleas and empty prayers
every night id gone to bed so sure i wouldn’t wake up
and every time that i considered if enough was now enough
so the first time i told anyone that i had ocd
there was a lump so big inside my throat i almost couldn’t speak
and when they chuckled i was stunned cus i expected some relief
but instead i was forced to prove to them that i was really sick
i never washed my hands for hours, never sorted all my stuff
but i would freak out in the shower, cus i was alone with my thoughts
and after meds and years of therapy im better after all
but still i wish my illness wasn’t made out to be laughing stock

The First Time I Told Anyone That I Had Ocd

Whos Got The Crack (The Moldy Peaches cover)

lyrics:

dumbass what are you doing? tell me! 
can’t you see that person didnt care what you were saying
you got ignored again cus you are boooring
but can you really blame them when you act the way you do?

listen stupid, you are ugly. all your friends know too
just look at them, you see how they avoid ya?
you are the darkness that surrounds you
thats why everybody hates you 
and trust me everybody hates you

take a breath and take one more until ur hyperventilating
be ashamed of your anxiety, another thing ur faking
please do everyone a favour and just quit this whiny shit
but you’re enjoying this pretending, you’re enjoying acting sick
if you really were depressed then tell me how come you are laughing?
i live inside your brain so i can tell when you are bluffing
please stop crying, im just telling you the truth, somebodys gotta
when   you’ve    got everybody else convinced

fuckface why are you happy? stop it!
dont forget the razor that i stuffed into ur pocket
just be yourself. lame and gloomy.
do you really think that anyone would you like you if they knew me?
listen asshole, you are worthless.
just a nervous little creep who never really found a purpose.
think you’ll catch up? you’ll be sorry.
the only thing you’re really good fors making everybody worried

little loser you should hold your breath and never breathe again
you should just realise by now i am your one and only friend
you think that anyone would like you if they knew what you were thinking?
it doesn’t take a lot to see right thru your bullshit made-up illness
i see everything about you that you try so hard to hide
every single ugly thought and every single fucked up part
you wanna hurt your friends? well go ahead, stick around and watch
you will inherently cause problems if you choose to get involved

little blood girl wheres your power? wheres that confidence you preach?
are you just a little liar? just a little lying freak?
are you deaf? why dont you answer? cut your thighs and make it bleed
i can make you do the things that makes your shrink break down and weep
no one likes you, they will kill you, everyone is out to get you,
you’re a liar, a deciever, no one cares about your pain
fucking scumbag,  youre a fake and you’re a fraud and you’re a failure
you should just die, it’d lift a burden from your friends

you think your illness is whats holding you back? truth is it is you
you are the reason for your illness, everything that you’ve been thru
you’re only as bad as your worst thoughts
and where does that leave you?
kill everyone, kill everyone, kill yourself! come on!
just be grateful cause i could be worse, im censored for this song
you are thinking this so there must be some truth in here somewhere?
dont you think so too?

blood girl why are you hiding?
even with the tv on im here inside your mind
why dont you answer anymore? im bored just playing with myself
its way more fun when you throw up or think you’re gonna go to hell
the pills won’t kill me, i hope you know that
i am a chronic little demon
and ill stay cus your my best friend
whats gas lighting? like on a stove?
oh by the way
was the oven on before you left for school?

Inner Dialogue

Hello. I am Blood Girl! 
I am a 25 year old nonbinary creature that sings about sadness and bettering