No se porque me gusta v: pero me encanta v:

yet again i relate, what a wonderful singer <3 <3

keep crawling back to this. so much emotion

lyrics:
coming to terms with dying alone
mindless lobotomy staring at phone
after having a life that is empty at most
brain damaged parasite seeking a host
i have 22 years worth of baggage you see
and nobody can carry such deadweight for me
im expendable   surely im great for the good
but the bad is so bad that it ruins the mood
exploding head syndrome is always a blast
and i bend over backwards and land on my ass
which is always the issue thats holding me back
making excuses for people who treat me like crap
so id stay home from school but now school is at home
so i lay in my bed all day browsing my phone
neurodivergency eating my time
wasting my life being online

down at rock bottom , midlife crisis coming soon
throwing me out from a plane with no parachute
i have no plans for my life and nothing to do
nothing to do
down in the gutter, surrounded by sewage drains
stinking up everything till i relapse again
rock bottom doesn’t feel so different from my bed
so i guess

coming to terms with my spinstery self
is less of a shame spiral more like accept
so i’ll just live as a vampire suck out the fun
of every person who thinks im the one
i dont like to imagine the future at all
but maybe without all the trouble of love
i’d be fine on my own drinking blood from a bag
500 years old and still just as sad
so the futures abhorrent , and the past is a pain
and the present is empty and boring and lame
homemade brain tumor eating my skull
gnawing and gnashing head empty no thoughts
and livings repetitive  lifes just a bust
everythings relative  i am just dust
just the bug you brush of your ear
singing my songs that nobody hears
down at rock bottom , midlife crisis come again
throwing me out from a roof with no working brain
i have no goals for my life and nothing to say 
nothing to say
down in the gutter, surrounded by rusty pipes
falling asleep in the shitwater overnight
from shit i have come and to shit i’ll return thats  fine
thats fine

Rock Bottom

most of what i write about is sadness but i guess
its just an easier emotion to dig into than the rest
theres always layers top of layers of self hatred i can dig thru
whilst the positives just gather dust in corners of my brain goo
 when i go to sleep i watch the dust bunnies like pretty flowers
and i count the sheep while they tirelessly jump around for hours
the night is gorgeous in its greyish blue and i love how calm i feel
when im awake inside this quietness that almost feels unreal

why am i crying?   crying over what?
and my pillowcase is drying with ounces of my snot
i feel like emptiness colliding cus i am bored by everything
but i just want to feel alright ish i dont want to feel like shit
why am i lying?   lying cus of what?
cus i keep telling you i am fine but im actually not
i think its more about my own shit than anybody else
but that doesn’t make it less weird cus then im just lying to myself

im going sorta crazy how bout you are you ok?
i miss my friends and i miss school but time just flies and goes away
i think two weeks are spent now nothings new just laying in my bed
im taking naps to try and sleep until its all normal again
keeping up with   everyone    has been the hardest task
cus back before this quarantine i saw them at their desks
in school we sat out on the balcony and smoked when we felt like it
now the weather is amazing but we’re all stuck in our apartments

why am i crying?   crying over what?
and my pillowcase is drying with ounces of my snot
i feel like emptiness colliding cus i am bored by everything
but i just want to feel alright ish i dont want to feel like shit
why am i lying?   lying cus of what?
cus i keep telling you i am fine but im actually not
i think its more about my own shit than anybody else
but that doesn’t make it less weird cus then im just lying to myself

why am i hiding? hiding cus of what?
cus if i want to go outside  i can do that if i want
but i just dont have a routine now it was pulled out of my hands
and now its expected that i do the things i could but now i can’t
why am i dying? dying over what?
its like stupid how im trying it makes life feel like a job
i am an expert in my own shit  but i miss everyone else
everything is weird now im just lying to myself

Lying To Myself

lyrics:
got a borderline brain   just a chronic concussion!
so whats your problem dear?  my problem? pfft nothing!
how bout with life in itself can ya fix that? hey listen
dya have something along the lines of personality fixing?
hows your head ? well I’ve only had complaints!
i went home from the doctor with a note on my brain
saying: here lies the problem you were trying to find
should’ve known the source was in me when my mouth always tastes like bile
got shitfuck immune system  sick as a dog
im bored outta my mind coughing yellow snot up
the psychiatrist talked to me like i was dumb
it was hard not to get up and scream  from the top of my lungs

yeah my brains not the best  it has several pests
sewer rats scour thru it tryna find trash to ingest
yet im doing what i can with it    I’ve always done that
i dont need pity  i am fine i am

ok with everything being fucked up  with me having shit luck
already knew that much but hey why not just pile it on
im like hardwood im infested  with my childhood home
im like broken bottles bestest when thrown out of control
im like home before the sundown   but sundown never stops
especially when you’re abused at home while growing up
im like just sneak out in the morning and hope they dont wake up
im like why are you so thirsty? why are you so rough?

even in the nights where i was sure i would die i never prayed 
instead i clasped my fingers tight and told god if he ever showed his face       i would show him
the true meaning behind the sin of wrath  i got borderline anger i am barely holding back
and god its been festering for years and i am still pissed at you
i already got a shitty dad i dont need two

i got a borderline brain with some extra spicy spices
with depression and avoidant sprinkled over it like lice 
i have ocd that follows me around at every turn
i got a list that is too long for them to print it on my urn

like here lies blood girl: cause of death unknown
but even when im dead someone will try to have my cover blown
and share my lifestory that was never meant for them
share my saddest secrets with their friends colleagues friend

cause im just a wet specimen  sitting on the shelf
gods favourite part time play is making people mentally ill
thats why i just dance around the saddest clown he got
he snaps his fingers    suddenly ill cry and wanna cut
borderline is scary i got mood swings for days
anger that i hate  feelings that feel fake
i am worried im lying to myself  even when
i am clearly so sick that i couldn’t even tell

and even in the nights where i was sure id commit suicide i never prayed
instead i clasped my fingers tight and told myself to never go that way   and to show them
the true meaning behind changing ways   i got years of being my own therapist i should get payed
and i will keep bettering myself until im better than the rest!
and i can do that even with my brain full of pests!

Borderline Brain

new version. hope u like it
lyrix:
i haven’t felt like myself for so long
i dont know who i've become
in the meantime
as the world passes by
i’ve been bedridden almost for a month
caught up cabin feber gone
in the meantime
everybodys moving on

i cannot focus and now i am on my own
i am utterly alone   i am left to die again
all my friends all my friends
are so dear but far away  i am cooped up in my bed
dissapearing without trace

the world is caving in around my skull
making me forget that i can talk
making me forget how to reach out
making me forget that im allowed

but i can’t sleep in any longer
i can’t stay like this for life
im not sick enough but sick enough to never be alright
i am wrongly wired  really tired
fighting for my right
to have a little hope that i will someday turn out fine

i haven’t felt happy for so long
i dont know where it has gone
in the meantime
i’ve been sleeping quite a lot
i’ve pretended everything was going fine
so i didn’t have to lie
if somebody asked me  if ive gotten worse

i am sloppy with excuses  always covering my ass
i am scared of getting help
cus what if that shit doesn’t last
im on meds but still depressed
and therapy it didn’t help
so im just tired of the fighting
can i ever catch a break?

i am happy for you happy for you but im so afraid
i am trying i am trying but i want this shit to end
i am lonely i am lonely yet avoiding all my friends
i am scared yes i am scared that i will always be in pain
i am wallowing im wallowing but god it feels so good
i am painfully aware that im not doing what i should
i am tired of it, tired of it, but i still can’t sleep
i am sorry i am sorry that i always feel like shit

In The Meantime

lyrix:
did i take my meds today 
is my brain feeling ok?
my ugly face in the mirrors tells me i am losing sleep or
im just scared of hurting others
now im sitting with my friend
she’s intelligent in ways that i will never comprehend
i’ve been told my songs are sad, so sad they’re hard to listen to
but i just write and sing because i never know what else to do
i started journalling a lot which made me fall into a block
and now when writing songs i never know if they are good enuff

im sleeping until i become my bed
im always sleeping 
in a sleeping bag that feels like when we hug
a calming feeling 
i am singing until i become this song
and im still singing
to the strangers on the internet who listen to my feelings

can you help me halfway there
cus i’ve got blisters on my feet
i always feel like im manipulating you to care for me  and i am
scared that you’ll forget me
and my back is cramping up
cus my posture is as bad as my ability to love
and i was good at writing songs
when i was singing to the empty void
but now cus people listen i am scared that that was all  i had to say
cus if i’m happy i can’t write  but i dont wanna be this sad
and i cannot prioritize i’ve always been the worst at that

im sleeping until i become my bed
im always sleeping 
in a sleeping bag that feels like when we hug
a calming feeling 
i am singing until i become this song
and im still singing
to the strangers on the internet who listen to my feelings
if you listen does that mean that you are sad?
i hope it doesn’t
cus i know my songs are sorta on the fence when tackling problems 
and my therapist was like: maybe just focus on the good
but i would rather scream this illness out in shitty singing  
you can sing along if you think maybe that would help
im singing for you
it might be cheesy but at least you have a friend
who knows the feeling
i am singing until i become this song
and im still singing
to the strangers on the internet who listen to my feelings, who listen to my feelings, who listen to my feelings, who listen to my feelings

Strangers On The Internet

shut up kiss me (angel olsen cover)

lyrics:

i clog the toilet when i flush cus my apartments old and fucked up
i’ve stopped worrying too much yet i still worry quite a lot
i think im lonely but im not im just bored and i should shut up
i think im angry but its stuff like life that makes it hard to live it right

i know im not a monster but i still feel like a failure
theres a ratio thats off of me pretending to be healthier
i know im not the worst but it is not like i am good
i just know i could be better if i tried to be like you

i know i know 
you say that i am great in fact you say it constantly
i feel after years of that it should’ve somewhat hit me
i am better now than ever but i still feel really scared
cus now i have something to lose if im not prepared

and now and now
i burn my tongue on soup and scratch the scab for days on end
i spit blood into the sink and it makes me want to kill myself 
i fuck up my own body to feel good for a sec
and theres if proof of that  if you just look down on my legs

i was smoking outside when my cuts were peaking out my shorts
before i got them covered up a stranger sorta saw
it was a father and his child and he just gave a pity smile
it wasn’t really anything but made me want to cry

relapsing is hard but i haven’t talked about it after all
ive done this shit for so long i just dont think there is more for me
to say about how hard it is to only can relax when i
am digging a boxcutter into the skin on my thigh

and slitting slitting in the skin i always carry round with me
shitty shitty how this is the final skin ill ever see
i feel feel it hen the blood is dripping down my pantyhose
its fitting fitting feels like this is something i deserve and so

the toilet doesn’t flush and i am sitting on the bathroom floor
stopped cutting in the bath cus it just makes me want to do it more
think im tired but im not i just haven’t eaten anything today
and life is tiring as fuck but i am doing it my way

im an addict for the pain  and i lie when i complain
about the scars im covered in  the knife i carry with me everyday
i think my sentence is the pain   and i like to hurt myself
im not unhappy all the time  but i feel like its the only way
to feel like i am in control   to get rid of all the thoughts
thats why i cut or smoke or squeeze the dirt from all my pores
its so much easier to hurt yourself than think of what you’re going thru
so i would rather sit braindead and bleed out every  afternoon

Braindead

lyrics:

im just a sorry little snail 
that slimed my way into your life
and now you almost have a kid
and now you almost have a wife
and we are sitting in your kitchen
and i watch you drawing me
you always make me look so pretty
always make me feel so seen

its been like 3 years since i met you
but i have known you all my life
cus as a kid i was so certain
there was an angel by my side
and in the nights where i was sure
that life was never gonna change
i knew to stick around for something
and it made sense the day we met

how’d you find me
how’d i find you?
why’d you like me?
like i liked you?
were you hiding all these years
or did i just not know where to look?
but now you got me
and now i got you

and we are sitting in your kitchen
and we are lighting our smokes
and you are watching me laugh dumbly
at some innapropriate joke
and that is something that i vowed to
stick around to always see
 im watching over you
the way you’ve always been watching over me

and the daniel johnston t-shirt
covered in neon pink paint
that you bought in san fransisco
but decided to give me
and all your stories of your lifetimes
of your family and friends
and all the things that you’ve created
all the lives that you have changed
i hope you know that you are special
hope you know how good you are
hope you know you’ve changed my life
and let me have another start
you are my friend and you’re my family
and if i cannot be your kid
i will still be there till forever
the way i hope you’ll be for me

Guardian Angel

lyrics:

this song won’t write it self instead i yank it out with force
i keep on twisting hoping something gives something like sweet remorse
i dont remember anymore why i now avoid my friends
something just split in me and then i kept on wishing for the end
i had a conflict brewing up, something that felt just like a storm
but now my feelings simmered down and chose to hide and shrivel up
i cannot vocalise my fears i cannot feel when i am mad
i cannot dream about the good i only dream about the bad

hi how are you? i am shit, in fact im getting worse and worse
i want to cry but i feel numb, someone just call the fucking nurse
i keep on hitting what i thought was now the lowest of my low
but then theres something under that, another endless hungry hole
i know you’ll hate me in the end, i feel it come to that at last
i am too needy, im too much, i am like touching broken glass
you cannot care for me enough, and i can’t satisfy my needs
so i will want and i will want and never feel relief
i want to die i want to dig a hole to hide in for a while
i want to sleep until i finally wake up and start to cry
i feel so strung up like a rubberband, two seconds till i pop
but i can’t stop myself from bottling everything up

i am wicked worse and what a curse that is
to be the ever lonely wicked witch
i am so overly involved
but i am still detached
i want to help you but i can’t

I Can't

lyrics:

dumbass what are you doing? tell me! 
can’t you see that person didnt care what you were saying
you got ignored again cus you are boooring
but can you really blame them when you act the way you do?

listen stupid, you are ugly. all your friends know too
just look at them, you see how they avoid ya?
you are the darkness that surrounds you
thats why everybody hates you 
and trust me everybody hates you

take a breath and take one more until ur hyperventilating
be ashamed of your anxiety, another thing ur faking
please do everyone a favour and just quit this whiny shit
but you’re enjoying this pretending, you’re enjoying acting sick
if you really were depressed then tell me how come you are laughing?
i live inside your brain so i can tell when you are bluffing
please stop crying, im just telling you the truth, somebodys gotta
when   you’ve    got everybody else convinced

fuckface why are you happy? stop it!
dont forget the razor that i stuffed into ur pocket
just be yourself. lame and gloomy.
do you really think that anyone would you like you if they knew me?
listen asshole, you are worthless.
just a nervous little creep who never really found a purpose.
think you’ll catch up? you’ll be sorry.
the only thing you’re really good fors making everybody worried

little loser you should hold your breath and never breathe again
you should just realise by now i am your one and only friend
you think that anyone would like you if they knew what you were thinking?
it doesn’t take a lot to see right thru your bullshit made-up illness
i see everything about you that you try so hard to hide
every single ugly thought and every single fucked up part
you wanna hurt your friends? well go ahead, stick around and watch
you will inherently cause problems if you choose to get involved

little blood girl wheres your power? wheres that confidence you preach?
are you just a little liar? just a little lying freak?
are you deaf? why dont you answer? cut your thighs and make it bleed
i can make you do the things that makes your shrink break down and weep
no one likes you, they will kill you, everyone is out to get you,
you’re a liar, a deciever, no one cares about your pain
fucking scumbag,  youre a fake and you’re a fraud and you’re a failure
you should just die, it’d lift a burden from your friends

you think your illness is whats holding you back? truth is it is you
you are the reason for your illness, everything that you’ve been thru
you’re only as bad as your worst thoughts
and where does that leave you?
kill everyone, kill everyone, kill yourself! come on!
just be grateful cause i could be worse, im censored for this song
you are thinking this so there must be some truth in here somewhere?
dont you think so too?

blood girl why are you hiding?
even with the tv on im here inside your mind
why dont you answer anymore? im bored just playing with myself
its way more fun when you throw up or think you’re gonna go to hell
the pills won’t kill me, i hope you know that
i am a chronic little demon
and ill stay cus your my best friend
whats gas lighting? like on a stove?
oh by the way
was the oven on before you left for school?

Inner Dialogue

lyrics:
im 22 soon and time is a line
so i cannot go back  still im too far behind
im like watching everyone move upwards and leave
and im still on the ground floor and can’t move my feet
i am too grown up to ask for ur help
but i am too child like to do it myself
so if i can’t do anything what can i do?
except sleep all day long to not think about all of this 

who 
am i now since you threw me away?
i was a bandaid like i was back then 
im never enough so 
i’ll do what you asked
and i’ll move on
i’ll do my best
to de-attach

and if im 22 soon i cannot be ur kid
and my peers are grown ups 
and i feel like shit
how can anyone grow up 
and just turn out good
if i just had a chance
maybe i could’ve too

theres no future ahead of me
no 5 years from now
if i try to imagine it
i start to cry
i do my best to vision it
but all that i see
is a blank piece of paper
a black empty screen

Time Is A Line

Hello. I am Blood Girl! 
I am a 24 year old nonbinary creature that sings about sadness and bettering

I Can't

Blood Girl

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