this song feels like my old drug addiction :(  

Got My Diagnosis Yesterday

improv crying

lyrics:

everything hurts everything hurts
and i can’t say nothing i can’t speak a word
im bad at honesty when its in regards to me
i want to try not to cry not to say that i might
commit su- i mean die i mean i want to live i want to
sit in the corner of your armpit
feeling like i exist
feeling like i exist

i think im lonely but i am not im here right so i am not
i have friends and i feel fine but things inside are like pain like
i have brain pain i am crying in the shower i am lying
when you ask me 
is it ok?
i say yes

why can’t i speak
why cant i say
i am not what u think
i am never ok

i brag to my friends
about finally being fine
while everything around me 
is slowly catching fire

everything everything around me is breaking

everything everything is slowly deteriorating 

i am fucking up everything
every friendship every tiny thing i thought i had is slipping thru my fingers
falling onto everything

and i have all the obsessive thoughts again
all of them
and i dont want to see any of my friends
i want to be by myself

tomorrow you’re gonna ask me like you always do
and i am gonna lie like i always think i have to

did you sleep well
and i lie yes
are you ok and i lie yes
are you hungry
i lie no
are you ok?
im just tired
can i help you
i say no
can i hug you
i pretend its like a no big deal
but its the only proof i have that i am real

all i want all i want is to sit and talk with you
nothing nothing makes me feel like i matter except for that
i want to sleep on forever

Nothing

lyrics:

im not coping very well
and im cooped up in my cell
what i call this brain, this hell
this loop im stuck in

always knew something was wrong
did my best to carry on
lately i dont feel as strong
as i used to

everytime a layer is peeled back
another layers underneath
im just so tired of the peel

and everytime a thing gets to be fixed
it always ends in shit
always bring more things with it

i am tired tired tired tired tired of being sick
im tired tired tired tired tired of living like this
lately I’ve been thinking
maybe i should be committed
but i dont think they think im sick enough

im not living just spending time
watching shows that make me cry
so i can feel alive
instead of just laying there

i just think everything is wrong
somethings just been feeling off
i dont know how to tell whats up
i dont know anything

everytime a layer is peeled back
another layers underneath
im just so tired of the peel

and everytime a thing gets to be fixed
it always ends in shit
always bring more things with it

 i am tired tired tired tired tired of being sick
im tired tired tired tired tired of living like this
lately I’ve been thinking
maybe i should be committed
but i dont think they think im sick enough

Tired

Unfucktheworld (cover by Blood Girl)

dont give up -demo

lyrics:

tired of seeing my own face
hearing my own songs
spending my own days
tired of always doing everything
doing it for everyone 
with nothing to say

i can’t feel things
i’m just tired
i’m lonely and i’m tired
i feel like i am 15 again
with expirary dates on my friendships
sorta just wasting time alone

why is it that just because i am depressed
i have to feel totally disconnected from my friends
being alone is healthy  sometimes
but i isolate myself then i wanna die

why is it that just because i’m empathetic
people feel like they can fucking forget me
i am needy too,  desperate for love
im sensitive and broken and depend on other people a lot

i cant always be strong
i cant always be tough
i've learned that no matter how bad im feeling
its never bad enough

tired of seeing my own face
hearing my own voice
following my own pace
tired of always giving second chances
third and fourth chances
to everyone

i’m hurt too
i’m tired
and hurt too and i’m tired
i feel like i’m 11 again   
accepting life means isolation
means you just keep to yourself

why is it that i dont know myself
that used to be the only thing i knew well
being depressed is bad
sometimes
but it also makes me look at all the things i dont do right

like feeling that i’m the one
whos supposed to carry everyone i love
im  a fucking idiot too
i’m not always great
i just want somebody to hold me and tell me i’m ok

i cant always be good
i can’t always hold on
i’ve learned that no matter how shitty someone is they’re never shitty enough

Shitty Enuff

lyrics:

breakdowns on my bathroom floor
mold on the walls im a scabless sore
care bears dance on television wanna
go where all the pain is forgiven

freak out strangers on the train
staring like they see thru my brain traumas
plastic pony playhouse parties i am
worried that im what you worry id be

am i even worse than i thought
or am i just completely brainwashed
will you hold my hand till you almost can’t stand me?
will you love everybody else but me?

do you even care at all about me?
did it hurt you when i said i was lonely?
had you forgotten that i existed
you are too nice but ive somehow grown resistant

sentient aware dyeing fry my hair
love me without a potion 
i fuck up everything to feel real i think
can i make myself change for you
everybody lies godless sacrifice
im a burden you carry
i pierce my ears again blood on porcelain
somethings rotten inside me

i am not to blame
but i feel ashamed
drifting out of my body
i know that i dont break
everybody yet
there are shards in my hands
and they
cut the ties ive built
overwhelming guilt
hello kitty on bandaids
to cover up the spores
bodys open sores

Bloodcute - Scabless Sore ♡

no shade in the shadow of the cross (sufjan stevens cover)

realised too late that the title is gramatically incorrect but oh well.

lyrics:
first time i told anyone that i had ocd
they almost laughed a little bit about the fact but not at me
because the fact was i was sick but everyone kinda assumed
that i could not have ocd when they took a step into my room
with my sheets half off my bed and half my closet on the floor
and torn up papers, bags of garbage, stickers splattered on my door
forever messy all my life, a joke that followed since i was a kid
so no one realised when i got sick and couldn’t do anything.

i didn’t know i had compulsions, never questioned them for long.
the things i did to make myself calm down was not what felt so wrong.
it was my brain and all its humming noise, its never-ending sounds.
and even if it wasn’t screaming static it was always loud.
before i knew about obsessions id had grown used to the fact
that sometimes thoughts or weird ideas would stick around but then they’d pass
of course they left after a while and was replaced by something else
but i just thought that that was normal, after all i was a kid.

when i was 16 something changed and the ideas stopped passing by
now replaced by one thought i could not get rid of if i tried
it overshadowed every other thing and kept me up at night
and suddenly it was the only thing id think of all the time.
ocd is such a guilty thing, it feels like being chained.
it feels like you are going crazy with the weight of all the shame
it feels like waking up in mornings fearing for your life
because your brain is tryna convince you that you deserve to die.
its like your toeing on the edge of what is true and what is fake
because your brain is suddenly an unfamiliar place
and like a meatcleaver it cuts your thoughts to pieces without name
and you can’t see whats up and down you only focus on the pain.
its like theres something in your eye so you can only see with one
and there is so much you are missing but you’re convinced you’re not.
you are aware that you are crazy but you’re doubting everyone
and you get lost inside this spiral of fighting and giving up-

its like a shadow in your skull that somehow controls all your thoughts
and there is no room for your rationality or normal stuff
so all you ever really focus on is everything you fear
and everything becomes a phobia until you’re barely there.
i cannot comprehend the hours i have spent in total terror
every night of secret punishments of pleas and empty prayers
every night id gone to bed so sure i wouldn’t wake up
and every time that i considered if enough was now enough
so the first time i told anyone that i had ocd
there was a lump so big inside my throat i almost couldn’t speak
and when they chuckled i was stunned cus i expected some relief
but instead i was forced to prove to them that i was really sick
i never washed my hands for hours, never sorted all my stuff
but i would freak out in the shower, cus i was alone with my thoughts
and after meds and years of therapy im better after all
but still i wish my illness wasn’t made out to be laughing stock

The First Time I Told Anyone That I Had Ocd

lyrics:
im 22 soon and time is a line
so i cannot go back  still im too far behind
im like watching everyone move upwards and leave
and im still on the ground floor and can’t move my feet
i am too grown up to ask for ur help
but i am too child like to do it myself
so if i can’t do anything what can i do?
except sleep all day long to not think about all of this 

who 
am i now since you threw me away?
i was a bandaid like i was back then 
im never enough so 
i’ll do what you asked
and i’ll move on
i’ll do my best
to de-attach

and if im 22 soon i cannot be ur kid
and my peers are grown ups 
and i feel like shit
how can anyone grow up 
and just turn out good
if i just had a chance
maybe i could’ve too

theres no future ahead of me
no 5 years from now
if i try to imagine it
i start to cry
i do my best to vision it
but all that i see
is a blank piece of paper
a black empty screen

Time Is A Line

Hello. I am Blood Girl! 
I am a 24 year old nonbinary creature that sings about sadness and bettering

Nothing

Blood Girl

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