this is so good I can't stop listening to your stuff

i love thisss!!!! ur music is amazing🥺🥺 i love crying to this song

ive been cleaning for a while
i got boxes stacked on boxes
crinkled paper in a pile
dirty boxers, dirty socks
and i got spiderwebs galore
that i yank at with a broom
i got sadness in my core
so i've got sadness in my room
so i let the window air out
all the dust i left behind
when my decomposing body
was a normal thing to find
when my duvet was always sticky
from the rotting of my skin
and my floor was always covered
in the clothes i couldnt fit

ive been making quite the mess
cus ive been acting really reckless
my floors almost picture-esque
how its been totally neglected
how the trash bags and the tissues
and the empty packs of smokes
aren’t really the real issue
more a loud and cosmic joke
and i am laying on the floor
and now im dumbly loudly weeping
cus its just a boring chore
and its so late i should be sleeping
but im tryna get up, figure out
this can of worms I’ve opened
but i cannot crack it after all
this puzzles messy surface

i have books and books and books and books and books and books
and furbies on display
i have trash and trash and trash
my little ponys in my bed
a box of lighters without gas and tom and jerry magazines
and little trinkets made of glass and dusty bootleg figurines
and an insane amount of guilt i pack in plastic garbage bags 
so i can cover them in silk and let them swim in seas of trash
and my executive dysfunction is a life-line in this mess
so i will start something and give up and then do it all again

Dysfunctioning

lyrics:

everything hurts everything hurts
and i can’t say nothing i can’t speak a word
im bad at honesty when its in regards to me
i want to try not to cry not to say that i might
commit su- i mean die i mean i want to live i want to
sit in the corner of your armpit
feeling like i exist
feeling like i exist

i think im lonely but i am not im here right so i am not
i have friends and i feel fine but things inside are like pain like
i have brain pain i am crying in the shower i am lying
when you ask me 
is it ok?
i say yes

why can’t i speak
why cant i say
i am not what u think
i am never ok

i brag to my friends
about finally being fine
while everything around me 
is slowly catching fire

everything everything around me is breaking

everything everything is slowly deteriorating 

i am fucking up everything
every friendship every tiny thing i thought i had is slipping thru my fingers
falling onto everything

and i have all the obsessive thoughts again
all of them
and i dont want to see any of my friends
i want to be by myself

tomorrow you’re gonna ask me like you always do
and i am gonna lie like i always think i have to

did you sleep well
and i lie yes
are you ok and i lie yes
are you hungry
i lie no
are you ok?
im just tired
can i help you
i say no
can i hug you
i pretend its like a no big deal
but its the only proof i have that i am real

all i want all i want is to sit and talk with you
nothing nothing makes me feel like i matter except for that
i want to sleep on forever

Nothing

lyrics:

so this is the first time i dreamt that you raped me
im used to the nightmares i remember them faintly
i couldn’t breathe cause your body was too heavy
i tapped on your shoulder as to ask you to not break me

i woke up in cold sweats the dreamt lasted weeks
standing on the train station holding back tears
dream became reality and reality too real
so i just laid in silence and waited to not feel

and im pretending to be ok when i know that i am not
i am cutting so much lately everything i see is blood
and i am waiting at the bus stop i am sitting on a chair
everything around me is moving and im barely here

i skip school again today like all the other times where i just choose to lay in bed instead of waking up and doing things and trying hard to reach within to find a tiny piece of me that isn’t too sick to live

living is a curse but i’ve committed to the crime
and i am here and i am breathing i am doing my time
i am sick of all the waiting but i fear what will come next
id like to sit in peace and quiet with a clock that never ticks

and i am tired of my brain and  i am tired of myself
i just laid in bed cus everything inside me is a mess
and nothing ever makes me happy except for slitting my own skin
even though i finally know why its the painfullest of sins

and im pretending to be sleeping when i know that i am not
as to rewrite my own dreams so once i’ve hopefully forgot
cus my brain likes to take good things i have and quickly make them rot
so i dont like to close my eyes cause everything i see is mud

i should just give up today like all the other times where i just choose to lay in bed instead of doing stuff and being happy and having hope for something that maybe will come along out my brain like in this song i realise that i am way more sad than i would ever have known had i just stayed in my bed watching stupid shows and pretending even to myself
cause i dont know how i can fix this shit
i dont know why im still like this
depression is a hole 
and no matter what i do i still sink
i still sink

Sinking

lyrics:

im not coping very well
and im cooped up in my cell
what i call this brain, this hell
this loop im stuck in

always knew something was wrong
did my best to carry on
lately i dont feel as strong
as i used to

everytime a layer is peeled back
another layers underneath
im just so tired of the peel

and everytime a thing gets to be fixed
it always ends in shit
always bring more things with it

i am tired tired tired tired tired of being sick
im tired tired tired tired tired of living like this
lately I’ve been thinking
maybe i should be committed
but i dont think they think im sick enough

im not living just spending time
watching shows that make me cry
so i can feel alive
instead of just laying there

i just think everything is wrong
somethings just been feeling off
i dont know how to tell whats up
i dont know anything

everytime a layer is peeled back
another layers underneath
im just so tired of the peel

and everytime a thing gets to be fixed
it always ends in shit
always bring more things with it

 i am tired tired tired tired tired of being sick
im tired tired tired tired tired of living like this
lately I’ve been thinking
maybe i should be committed
but i dont think they think im sick enough

Tired

doctor appointment after doctor appointment
i am lying to myself when i say that i dont want it
in a way it gives me purpose, it brings a point to life
if i cant get well and do stuff
i might as well comply
so im the sick one once again, the one who doesnt go to school
the one whos eyes are red cus they are crying in the bathroom
im stuck in a loop
in my own groundhog day
replaying the same lines and phrases over again

my friends are growing tired cus i never answer texts
the only thing that brings me joy is buying shit and yet
i lay surrounded by the stuff i buy feeling so alone
knowing i am spending so much money i dont have and so
theres a doctor appointment and a doctor appointment
im sitting in the waiting room tryna dig into the noise and
before i go out i cut myself cus whats the use?
in case she doesnt think im sick enough ill have some proof
its so disturbing making someone sick in charge of their own health
and im the one whos calling in and sceaming to the void for help
ive done so now for 5 years and yeah i got some pills
but i have nothing more to show for it, i still operate like this

so to my doctor appointment, at my doctor appointment
i am bringing a friend cus im afraid that they wont trust me
like why is it so hard to send me away
to the emergency room
i can stay surrounded by people who'll actually help
scanning and tryna find whats wrong in my brain
cus theres a lump in my neck and im afraid that ill die
i just want to be alive and just be alive

and at my doctor appointment, my last doctor appointment
i sobbed my way thru tryna ask her to refer me
to someone with knowledge of trauma and pain
but she couldnt do much, she was just a temp
but still i cried on the way back, it felt like the end
like this was my chance and i had blown it again
i dont like having this illness but now it is me
and now at least i can focus it on something

the next doctor appointment, the next doctor appointment
will be just like the rest cus she cant do nothing for me
i know i'll have to go home and feel numb inside
but then at least i have something to feel numb about
i was always the quiet kid in the back of the class
staring out the window at the fingerprinted glass
imagining my future 20 year old me instead
just how much better i would be at life by then

Doctor Appointment After Doctor Appointment

lyrics:

tired of seeing my own face
hearing my own songs
spending my own days
tired of always doing everything
doing it for everyone 
with nothing to say

i can’t feel things
i’m just tired
i’m lonely and i’m tired
i feel like i am 15 again
with expirary dates on my friendships
sorta just wasting time alone

why is it that just because i am depressed
i have to feel totally disconnected from my friends
being alone is healthy  sometimes
but i isolate myself then i wanna die

why is it that just because i’m empathetic
people feel like they can fucking forget me
i am needy too,  desperate for love
im sensitive and broken and depend on other people a lot

i cant always be strong
i cant always be tough
i've learned that no matter how bad im feeling
its never bad enough

tired of seeing my own face
hearing my own voice
following my own pace
tired of always giving second chances
third and fourth chances
to everyone

i’m hurt too
i’m tired
and hurt too and i’m tired
i feel like i’m 11 again   
accepting life means isolation
means you just keep to yourself

why is it that i dont know myself
that used to be the only thing i knew well
being depressed is bad
sometimes
but it also makes me look at all the things i dont do right

like feeling that i’m the one
whos supposed to carry everyone i love
im  a fucking idiot too
i’m not always great
i just want somebody to hold me and tell me i’m ok

i cant always be good
i can’t always hold on
i’ve learned that no matter how shitty someone is they’re never shitty enough

Shitty Enuff

i am not alright
to the point where i 
should just stay at home and not go to school
cus everytime i speak
i float from my body
and i look down thinking: shut the fuck up dude!
like everything i say is so fucking stupid
and everytime i speak im completely useless
i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry
i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry

URGH!

i embarrass myself by being embarrassed
and when i try not to be i think i come off as arrogant
i always start at A and end up somewhere by the H
and oh the H is giant capital it stands for how i hate myself
i think im stupid when i talk 
and then i say “haha im stupid”
and then i think it is annoying
so i think im even worse
i am so angry at my stupid brain and i just wanna cry
i am so angry at my by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry

WAH!

all roads lead to stupid
im stupid cus i think that i am stupid
this song is stupid cus its about being stupid
and it is stupid that its stupid so its stupid
i am tired of  myself
cus my brain is poopy!
when i go to hell
all roads still lead to stupid
i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry
i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry

All Roads Lead To Stupid

realised too late that the title is gramatically incorrect but oh well.

lyrics:
first time i told anyone that i had ocd
they almost laughed a little bit about the fact but not at me
because the fact was i was sick but everyone kinda assumed
that i could not have ocd when they took a step into my room
with my sheets half off my bed and half my closet on the floor
and torn up papers, bags of garbage, stickers splattered on my door
forever messy all my life, a joke that followed since i was a kid
so no one realised when i got sick and couldn’t do anything.

i didn’t know i had compulsions, never questioned them for long.
the things i did to make myself calm down was not what felt so wrong.
it was my brain and all its humming noise, its never-ending sounds.
and even if it wasn’t screaming static it was always loud.
before i knew about obsessions id had grown used to the fact
that sometimes thoughts or weird ideas would stick around but then they’d pass
of course they left after a while and was replaced by something else
but i just thought that that was normal, after all i was a kid.

when i was 16 something changed and the ideas stopped passing by
now replaced by one thought i could not get rid of if i tried
it overshadowed every other thing and kept me up at night
and suddenly it was the only thing id think of all the time.
ocd is such a guilty thing, it feels like being chained.
it feels like you are going crazy with the weight of all the shame
it feels like waking up in mornings fearing for your life
because your brain is tryna convince you that you deserve to die.
its like your toeing on the edge of what is true and what is fake
because your brain is suddenly an unfamiliar place
and like a meatcleaver it cuts your thoughts to pieces without name
and you can’t see whats up and down you only focus on the pain.
its like theres something in your eye so you can only see with one
and there is so much you are missing but you’re convinced you’re not.
you are aware that you are crazy but you’re doubting everyone
and you get lost inside this spiral of fighting and giving up-

its like a shadow in your skull that somehow controls all your thoughts
and there is no room for your rationality or normal stuff
so all you ever really focus on is everything you fear
and everything becomes a phobia until you’re barely there.
i cannot comprehend the hours i have spent in total terror
every night of secret punishments of pleas and empty prayers
every night id gone to bed so sure i wouldn’t wake up
and every time that i considered if enough was now enough
so the first time i told anyone that i had ocd
there was a lump so big inside my throat i almost couldn’t speak
and when they chuckled i was stunned cus i expected some relief
but instead i was forced to prove to them that i was really sick
i never washed my hands for hours, never sorted all my stuff
but i would freak out in the shower, cus i was alone with my thoughts
and after meds and years of therapy im better after all
but still i wish my illness wasn’t made out to be laughing stock

The First Time I Told Anyone That I Had Ocd

lyrics:

dumbass what are you doing? tell me! 
can’t you see that person didnt care what you were saying
you got ignored again cus you are boooring
but can you really blame them when you act the way you do?

listen stupid, you are ugly. all your friends know too
just look at them, you see how they avoid ya?
you are the darkness that surrounds you
thats why everybody hates you 
and trust me everybody hates you

take a breath and take one more until ur hyperventilating
be ashamed of your anxiety, another thing ur faking
please do everyone a favour and just quit this whiny shit
but you’re enjoying this pretending, you’re enjoying acting sick
if you really were depressed then tell me how come you are laughing?
i live inside your brain so i can tell when you are bluffing
please stop crying, im just telling you the truth, somebodys gotta
when   you’ve    got everybody else convinced

fuckface why are you happy? stop it!
dont forget the razor that i stuffed into ur pocket
just be yourself. lame and gloomy.
do you really think that anyone would you like you if they knew me?
listen asshole, you are worthless.
just a nervous little creep who never really found a purpose.
think you’ll catch up? you’ll be sorry.
the only thing you’re really good fors making everybody worried

little loser you should hold your breath and never breathe again
you should just realise by now i am your one and only friend
you think that anyone would like you if they knew what you were thinking?
it doesn’t take a lot to see right thru your bullshit made-up illness
i see everything about you that you try so hard to hide
every single ugly thought and every single fucked up part
you wanna hurt your friends? well go ahead, stick around and watch
you will inherently cause problems if you choose to get involved

little blood girl wheres your power? wheres that confidence you preach?
are you just a little liar? just a little lying freak?
are you deaf? why dont you answer? cut your thighs and make it bleed
i can make you do the things that makes your shrink break down and weep
no one likes you, they will kill you, everyone is out to get you,
you’re a liar, a deciever, no one cares about your pain
fucking scumbag,  youre a fake and you’re a fraud and you’re a failure
you should just die, it’d lift a burden from your friends

you think your illness is whats holding you back? truth is it is you
you are the reason for your illness, everything that you’ve been thru
you’re only as bad as your worst thoughts
and where does that leave you?
kill everyone, kill everyone, kill yourself! come on!
just be grateful cause i could be worse, im censored for this song
you are thinking this so there must be some truth in here somewhere?
dont you think so too?

blood girl why are you hiding?
even with the tv on im here inside your mind
why dont you answer anymore? im bored just playing with myself
its way more fun when you throw up or think you’re gonna go to hell
the pills won’t kill me, i hope you know that
i am a chronic little demon
and ill stay cus your my best friend
whats gas lighting? like on a stove?
oh by the way
was the oven on before you left for school?

Inner Dialogue

lyrics:
im 22 soon and time is a line
so i cannot go back  still im too far behind
im like watching everyone move upwards and leave
and im still on the ground floor and can’t move my feet
i am too grown up to ask for ur help
but i am too child like to do it myself
so if i can’t do anything what can i do?
except sleep all day long to not think about all of this 

who 
am i now since you threw me away?
i was a bandaid like i was back then 
im never enough so 
i’ll do what you asked
and i’ll move on
i’ll do my best
to de-attach

and if im 22 soon i cannot be ur kid
and my peers are grown ups 
and i feel like shit
how can anyone grow up 
and just turn out good
if i just had a chance
maybe i could’ve too

theres no future ahead of me
no 5 years from now
if i try to imagine it
i start to cry
i do my best to vision it
but all that i see
is a blank piece of paper
a black empty screen

Time Is A Line

lyrics:

scatterbrained and overeager
pressed like paper  thin and sharp
touch my edges they may cut u
feed my body to the sharks
household rules are always sacred
creaking staircase leads to death
if i dont believe in magic
 ill believe in human pain

monster cans and crumpled paper
notebooks full of pleas for help 
i feel like i just one from coma
3 years down the sewer drain
undiagnosed adhd
feels like falling fast asleep
always seriously joking
always not the enough i see


hi how are u? i am great!
i have finally, oh finally given up on trying
i am flightless like a bird
i am fightless and it hurts
but at least i know now it was all in vain
hi how are u? i am swell!
i have finally oh finally given up on trying
i am flightless like a bird
i am fightless and it hurts
but at lest i know now that it  was all in vain

unequipped for friendships and bad at being human
pressing a bandaid to broken bones
if i can always predict who will abandon me next
i can stay at a distance that will cushion the blow
ill never really get it, i never ever did
so i have finally oh finally given up on trying
i am barely even here
there are no pieces left to shatter
but at least i know now it was all in vain

All In Vain

Hello. I am Blood Girl! 
I am a 24 year old nonbinary creature that sings about sadness and bettering

Shitty Enuff

Blood Girl

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DANCE!

_c0n5UM3_

sandal eye-very (moved)

Kiyah Greenwood

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