Wifi- Car Seat Headrest [Deadlines (Hostile) Demo]

lyrixxx:
i am still here holding onto
scabs from all your now-healed tattoos
searching how to change my body
i love you but im not that lovely
i change into another skin
to  fit the person i am with
you loved me once i think you did
or were you only trying to fit in
im tiptoeing circles around your name
ill follow you footsteps until i am in pain
i want you to love me  to tell me to talk
to pretend to listen is more than enough
i talk to your shadow cus i am too shy
to talk to you maybe im boring inside
im shaking and drooling and turning to stone
i am always afraid that i will end up alone
if you loved me back then  then  you’ll love me even more
when i am terrified or i am sobbing on the floor
i cant rly change all the parts of my brain
that i hate that i wish would just go away
but in the end i am my only friend
and the end is close enough

i know i’ve yet to hurt a lot
before ive finally hurt enough
i love you but im not that lovely

FUZZYFACE - Lovely

lyrics:

i got a gay little brain and a gay little heart
got a shitty guitar where i play songs  call it art
i am dumb in my brain   i was dropped as a child
not by my parents   but by the gods

i see a girl in the bus wearing dragon ball socks 
and i look like an asshole as i fall in love
maybe 5 minutes pass before its her stop
and she smiles at me before she slowly walks off
self induced heart attack from projecting my shit
onto a stranger who probably thinks
im a weirdo as i sit and stare at her socks
smiling politely  because i look dumb

got a gay need for love  and its gross and amazing
ever since i was a kid i always found it overrated
i hate other people  yet can’t live without em
is that normal? is that a problem?

never understood flirting  never rly got the gist
seeing people putting cherry stems into their mouths and shit
as a kid i never saw someone like me on television
only people who were straight and seemed to really enjoy kissing
i feel alien enough almost alien too much 
and i am shy and reserved and barf from others touch
earth girls are easy   as an alien man said
i just laughed and said: then you haven’t tried to be gay!

its not too easy to be weird and sad
and also a hopeless romantic who hates
things that are romantic and other people yet
nothing will top how much i hate myself
still if ur up for it come take a walk with me
we can go thrifting and eat something  i will be
awkward and shaky ill try not to die
can’t promise anything   hope thats alright

i got a gay little brain and a gay little heart
got a shitty guitar where i play songs  call it art
got a gay little gut that confuses love
with the human needs connection and distraction
but love is just a chemical reaction after all
so fuck these awkward interactions
id rather live in solitude than face the things i probably should

Gay Little Heart

Burning Man - Car Seat Headrest

Lawns - Car Seat Headrest

I Scream Social - Car Seat Headrest

The Singles Song - Car Seat Headrest

i am not alright
to the point where i 
should just stay at home and not go to school
cus everytime i speak
i float from my body
and i look down thinking: shut the fuck up dude!
like everything i say is so fucking stupid
and everytime i speak im completely useless
i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry
i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry

URGH!

i embarrass myself by being embarrassed
and when i try not to be i think i come off as arrogant
i always start at A and end up somewhere by the H
and oh the H is giant capital it stands for how i hate myself
i think im stupid when i talk 
and then i say “haha im stupid”
and then i think it is annoying
so i think im even worse
i am so angry at my stupid brain and i just wanna cry
i am so angry at my by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry

WAH!

all roads lead to stupid
im stupid cus i think that i am stupid
this song is stupid cus its about being stupid
and it is stupid that its stupid so its stupid
i am tired of  myself
cus my brain is poopy!
when i go to hell
all roads still lead to stupid
i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry
i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry

All Roads Lead To Stupid

lyrics:

what is a body
should it be a safehouse
all i feel inside me is stuff thats tryna get out
just a bit too big here
just a tad to tight there
i fit way too wrong
like my voice , like this song

playing my guitar
for people who are grateful
some are calling me a girl
i have a soft shell like a grapefruit
easy to be beaten
drop me on the floor
i dont like to look down 
so i bind until im sore

i have bodyparts
i dont recognise
easier to deal with when im ugly on the outside
pretty is too cis for me , a dyke with no foundation
body too messed up to be a place i feel ok in

ugly like a duckling
but ill never be swan
i just put on a new face
so i dont feel fucking confined
boxes i can pick and choose from
weren’t made for me
they have labels in block letters
but i dont know how to read

what is a body
should it be a teapot
stirring at the water that is 
flowing from my tear ducts
drink this to get bigger
eat this to get small
cannot fit into the hole
i punched into my wall

what is a body ? broken can be fixed
so whats a proper word for i was forced into this skin
i didn’t want it  but i got it  , still i hate this situation
body too messed up to be a place i feel ok in

What Is A Body

realised too late that the title is gramatically incorrect but oh well.

lyrics:
first time i told anyone that i had ocd
they almost laughed a little bit about the fact but not at me
because the fact was i was sick but everyone kinda assumed
that i could not have ocd when they took a step into my room
with my sheets half off my bed and half my closet on the floor
and torn up papers, bags of garbage, stickers splattered on my door
forever messy all my life, a joke that followed since i was a kid
so no one realised when i got sick and couldn’t do anything.

i didn’t know i had compulsions, never questioned them for long.
the things i did to make myself calm down was not what felt so wrong.
it was my brain and all its humming noise, its never-ending sounds.
and even if it wasn’t screaming static it was always loud.
before i knew about obsessions id had grown used to the fact
that sometimes thoughts or weird ideas would stick around but then they’d pass
of course they left after a while and was replaced by something else
but i just thought that that was normal, after all i was a kid.

when i was 16 something changed and the ideas stopped passing by
now replaced by one thought i could not get rid of if i tried
it overshadowed every other thing and kept me up at night
and suddenly it was the only thing id think of all the time.
ocd is such a guilty thing, it feels like being chained.
it feels like you are going crazy with the weight of all the shame
it feels like waking up in mornings fearing for your life
because your brain is tryna convince you that you deserve to die.
its like your toeing on the edge of what is true and what is fake
because your brain is suddenly an unfamiliar place
and like a meatcleaver it cuts your thoughts to pieces without name
and you can’t see whats up and down you only focus on the pain.
its like theres something in your eye so you can only see with one
and there is so much you are missing but you’re convinced you’re not.
you are aware that you are crazy but you’re doubting everyone
and you get lost inside this spiral of fighting and giving up-

its like a shadow in your skull that somehow controls all your thoughts
and there is no room for your rationality or normal stuff
so all you ever really focus on is everything you fear
and everything becomes a phobia until you’re barely there.
i cannot comprehend the hours i have spent in total terror
every night of secret punishments of pleas and empty prayers
every night id gone to bed so sure i wouldn’t wake up
and every time that i considered if enough was now enough
so the first time i told anyone that i had ocd
there was a lump so big inside my throat i almost couldn’t speak
and when they chuckled i was stunned cus i expected some relief
but instead i was forced to prove to them that i was really sick
i never washed my hands for hours, never sorted all my stuff
but i would freak out in the shower, cus i was alone with my thoughts
and after meds and years of therapy im better after all
but still i wish my illness wasn’t made out to be laughing stock

The First Time I Told Anyone That I Had Ocd

lyrics:
i haven’t felt like myself for so long
i dont know who I’ve become
in the meantime
as the world passes by
I’ve been bedridden almost for a month
caught up cabin feber gone
in the meantime
everybody moving on

i cannot focus and now i am on my own
i am utterly alone   i am left to die again
all my friends all my friends
are so dear but far away  i am cooped up in my bed
dissapearing without trace

the worlds is caving in around my skull
making me forget that i can talk
making me forget how to reach out
making me forget that i am loved

but i can’t sleep in any longer
i can’t stay like this for life im not sick enough 
but sick enough to never be alright
i am wrongly wired  really tired
fighting for my right
to have a little hope that i will someday turn out fine

i haven’t felt happy for so long
i dont know where it has gone
in the meantime
I’ve been sleeping quite a lot
I’ve pretended everything was going fine
so i didn’t have to lie
if somebody asked me  if its gotten worse

i am sloppy with excuses  always covering my ass
i am scared of getting help
cus what if that shit doesn’t last
im on meds but still depressed
and therapy it doesn’t help
so im just tired of the fighting
can i ever catch a break?

i am happy for you happy for you but im so afraid
i am trying i am trying but i want this shit to end
i am lonely i am lonely yet avoiding all my friends
i am scared yes i am scared that i will one day kill myself

In The Meantime (demo)

Hello. I am Blood Girl! 
I am a 25 year old nonbinary creature that sings about sadness and bettering

What Is A Body

Blood Girl

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MUDMANE (ig@mudmanetherealest)

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