I fucking dove off the deep end
Drove into fences I can't mend 
Went and followed those stylish trends
Mom said I caught depression from a friend

#

But I've got an angry heart
Filled with poppy adjacent plant parts
Some times I don't, know how to make art that's not fucking depressing 

#

And it's sad to know that we are not alone
And it's sad to know there's no honest way out

#

I'm afraid to leave the house
I'm as timid as a mouse
I'm afraid if I go out, I'll outwear my welcome 
I am not a courageous man
Hyperalgesic as the day is bland
I'm too cowardly to take a stand, anxiety controls me

#

And it's sad to know that we're not alone in this
And it's sad to know there's no honest way out
In this life we lead
We can conquer everything
If we could just get the braves to get out of bed in the morning

Homeless Romantic III

Brave As AJJ

Homeless Romantic IV

First Song (Part 1) by Pat The Bunny

I'm installing Linux on everything (to the tune of Sad Songs by AJJ)

#

This Sunday I'm clogging up our internet

With compilations of code I've not seen yet (gentoo too slow for a PC this old) 

Dozens of distros for my pets 
and humming friends I shan't forget. 

I’m installing linux on, everything.

#

I just fucked my arch install so it's back to Mint 
Until I go on another distro hopping stint
Forgot the password to this partition, shit
Wipe it down, gparted ways with my bits
I'm installing Linux on everything 

#

If the drivers don’t work then I don’t care
At 3am in my underwear
I’m installing linux on everything. 

#

I’ve got 20 torrents queued for monday morning
My sound card just died but I’m not mourning. 
Because linux didn’t support it anyway.
It's going back to the Bill Gates’ of hell from whence it came
I'm installing Linux on everything 

#

If the hard drives fail they'll get swapped out
I've got a DNR on my ToughBolk 
No doubt I'm installing Linux on everything

#

I've been breaking things that go beep since I was young
I know what not to do because that's what I've done
I hack it up
I never back it up, I smack it till it runs
I've got 6 distros on my Thinkpad, how many boot: 1
I'm installing Linux on everything 
I'm installing Linux on everything
#

There’s a laptop in the kitchen 
I don’t mean to be a bitchin'
But I see a Unix free system in everything

I'm Installing Linux On Everything: Episode I - Gparted Ways With My Bits

# I 

I know myself for long enough 

To know that I'm not strong enough 

To hit the bong enough to get up and get out the fog 

# II 

And up and Adam

Toss the kratom

It had 'em turning their heads quick
 
Bottoms up'd that medicine bottle on main street

I'm too sick  

# III

Give two shits what you spit

Laid with snakes and got bit 

Grew up post recession rich 

Them Hills with them big Dix

# IV

Scream loud dragging that big stick
 
And a sack full of sedatives. 

Until I'm calm, and the bomb track won't detonate like columbine, shit!

# V

I'm fried awake it's morning

I'm dying to get out of the morgue 

Surprised I made it past the my twenty  and even more the fucking four

# VI

Years held captive up on this dying Earth 

Living high in Damien's herse

Doing drugs it's just a war with boredom, but they'll never get me

# VII

Alive, like ones who'll never confide in mandated reporters

Cole Porter, that's how it goes

Anything but the serotonin flows

# VIII

Blows dealt thoughtlessly, crying wolf

40 proof in the pudding

Playboy this coffee's good

The bear is in the China cat

Son, flower in my Pax

Showered in the wax

# IX


Heaps in the back seat of a Medicaid taxi

Feet on stratosphere

I'm outta here

It's back to bed

I live in fear

# X

Of pain

Plants in brain

Lost my headphones

Missed the train

Bus was late 

High point jammed

But I guess you get what you pay


# XII

Forward motion, devotion to a pill or a potion

A plant or prescription, to a noose or an ocean 

Of solvents, everclear as day

That this pain isn't going away 

So all that's left for me to say is 

Is what the fuck is left for me to say,

Crywank Allowed Me To Lower My Standards Enough To Record This

I.

Not shitting beds

I'm losing head-

-Spaced out of time

Marked tracks I tread

All up and down these streets I've bled

Where others drop like flies

Instead-

II.

I kicked the bucket, made a mess

Fell out and woke to find distressed

Estranged endangered species

Looking at my love, what she sees-

III.

-I don't know, but she's still standing there

With tight crossed arms and unbrushed hair

Blue eyes don't hide how much she's scared

To see me lying there

IV.

Wrists wrapped in plastic to identify

The patient and the reason why

The EMTs had to revive

His junkie ass 3 times

V.

5 hits of Narcan on that park bench

That they found me on

My friends had long since been long gone

Despite the amnesty, but all along

VI.

I was the Guinea pig for that batch

Hit the hotspot then I saw black-

-Tar is hard to find on this coast

ECP to fent and fent to ghosts

VII.

Rehab to relapse. Rinse, repeat

Meth to mugshots on your TV

Opioids to obituaries

Being in this deep is scary

Substance Soaked I Awoke: Episode I - Left 4 Dead

# I. 

My track marks are black marks on medical records 
   
“Drug seeking” written in black Helvetica letters 
    
Blood leaking out my writings, “I'm better than ever”
   
Maybe if I say it enough times I'll believe it, but never have I 
  
# II. 
   
Ever paid the weather no attention. I just let it storm through me
   
If life wants to then it'll screw me 
   
Ain't no point in pushing back. I need wax to patch up these cracks
   
If you don't want to watch me do this, I'd get back 
   
# III. 
    
I wouldn't blame you for leaving. 
   
Every time I say to you “I'll stay” I swear that I don't believe it
   
It's hard to breathe in
   
Crawled up this mountain so high that turning back and walking down feels deceiving
   
# IV. 
    
Heaving, even though I'm swallowing to make me whole

I'm wallowing in all the sadness that exists in my soul

I'm told it takes time to get out of this hole

But I ain't seen the sun since I was 16 years old


# V. 
  
Let it be, let it go. If I can't reach my phone, then feel free to come over. Anytime.  
  
Let yourself in the door, spare key’s under the porch. 

I'll be right where you left me. Every time.  
    
# VI. 
   
I've been living at elevations that would make most folks sick. 
   
I took it all at 5 so I should be okay by 6
   
I've got the medicine on call, delivery is quick.  
    
I swear she's getting secondhand just from sucking my-

# VII. 

-Quick, pick up the phone, I'm all alone inside a slum that I call home

But nothings left of me but ashen skin on decomposing bones 

I left the light on in my darkest place despite escaping. Just in case

I fall back down this rabbit hole. I'd like to think I'm in control

# VIII. 

But every days a fucking wreck, I'm roped around the neck

Eternally enthralled by apathy, a gravestone to erect 

It's not correct to say I stayed alive, more like I bought some time 

What is the statute of limitations for posting cringe online? 

# IX. 

Shut all the hatches and duck below as the pressure starts to rise

I scribble frantically, feeling low. I let out a primal cry

I'm gonna die. Can't say I didn't try to fight it off and stay alive 

I'm drowning in an ocean of agony, all of which derives

# X. 

From one foul kick to the base of my spine

When my brains are on the pavement I will finally be fine

There is no way to save me, I've long since crossed the line

Waste my time wasted, living on borrowed time

Strung Out String Theories: Episode VII - My Track Marks

I.

I'm fucking golden as a goose

Beholden to the use of substances to keep me loose

Emboldened by the brazen ways I've dangled in the noose

Never thought I'd make it through that night

I never thought I'd see the day

I never thought I'd be alright

# II.

Illicit, a response. A question shouted out into the ether

Missed the Renaissance. Morphine, the purple people eater

Need or want it, I don't even know, like what have I to show

For all the trauma, stringing commas together until I blow

# III. 

Brains on the pavement, 

Couldn't be saved, spent my life in a haze

Meant more to be to stay another day then to stay sane, remain decayed 

And everything will be okay, 

Just cut the lines and kill the pain

I'm out of tar and out of time

I wish that this would end tonight 

# IV. 

But why today? Why not last year? 

Why push through that and give up here? 

I'll spare the sword but leave the spear stuffed in my arm in endless fear

So I'll be here tomorrow 

Maybe if I push down the sorrow

I'll make it out of my cold coffin

And touch ground every so often

Illicit: A Response

# I. 

Baking out Bacon Hall

Call me all but forgettable 

I am broke and broken 

Brokering peace deals with my demons

# II. 

Hoping they will last as long as all the trauma

Saved it from my mama

Slept on metal cots and stood in lines just to escape the sauna 

# III. 

Med card out, pig press x to doubt

My only form of ID

Empty a mound 

# IV. 

Of green leaves down my face hole

And I still get stares

I'm tossing and washing all over the place 

# V. 

And oh man I'm scoffing while they're closing all the coffins

Fuck the law

Been 5150 since The Old Hippie was writing blogs

# VI. 
I'm coconuts in the brain

And I'm such a slut for the pain 

If I had a gun I'd be safe 

From the thoughts that drive me insane

# VII. 

I think that I am to blame 

It's my fault I cannot maintain

All the pain I cannot explain

And dark thoughts I cannot not contain


# VIII. 

It's pouring rain on every fucking day

I never get away

From these arid places, liminal spaces, that leave me pained gray

# IX. 

I've fucking lost it years ago I think

At the bottom of my puke green drink

I thought I had control but it was gone in just a blink

# X. 

I'm on the brink of my dissociation

Manic as my thoughts are racing

Pacing my self sabotage

Is it the result or the cause?

Diplomatic Visit To Hell

Verse 1:
I hate the town and everyone in it
When it comes to being done I'm finished
I hate the fake smiles and shallow hearts
I just want to escape and get a fresh start

Chorus:
I'm moving to the desert, leaving everything behind
I'll lose all my old friends and probably my mind
I'm gonna be homeless, living off the land
I'm gonna find peace in the desert sands

Verse 2:
I'm tired of the drama and the games we play
I just want to be left alone, to find my own way
I'm sick of the judgment and the criticism
I can't maintain with my anhedonious limbic system


Chorus:
I'm moving to the desert, leaving everything behind
I'll lose all my old friends and probably my mind
I'm gonna be homeless, living off the land
I'm gonna find peace in the desert sands


Bridge:
I know it won't be easy, living on the streets
But at least I'll be free, no more people to please
I'll find my own way, in this land of endless skies
I'll find my own peace, far from the capitalist lie

Chorus:
I'm moving to the desert, leaving everything behind
I'll lose all my old friends and probably my mind
I'm gonna be homeless, living off the land
I'm gonna find peace in the desert sands

Moving To The Desert

# I.

Is it still folk punk if I'm mostly sober? 

I mean I'm still fucked up but I'm not hungover 

I mean it's all soft drugs, straight weed and kratom 

Toss and wash and up and Adam 

# II.

I've had a long fucking day, it's always drawn out 

I take Seroquel and then I'll nod out

The antipsychotic soaked psyche says to process this dose and repeat nightly 

# III.

Head in my hands, I fall and hit land

I wake upon concrete, trembling I stand

I ask: is this life? the not knowing why? 

The what will I be? The when will I die? 

# IV.

The hole in my head is thick as my will to sedate instead of sticking my pill infested bong hole into the bowl whole

And I'm still got no control

# V.

I pull up with the pot plant reeking

Spot mad heated

Cot that bleeding heart was seated

On, sad bleating

Cost exceeding

Lost my footing and found my seating

# VI.


Face first eating

Pavement. Leaving me sad and painted gray

Spent my existence in a spastic haze

The way it stays until my final days

Is It Still Folk Punk If I'm Mostly Sober?

# I. 

Oh no I'm falling to pieces again

And I'm sure that this will be end

And we're alone on this rock

I picking the lock and I'm coming out blasting

Fasting every so often, till I'm I'm coffin

Resistance will soften

# II. 

And then it'll melt into gray

Like with each passing I will feel more awake

And all my regrets will vanish, and somehow I'll manage to undo mistakes

# III. 

I'm casting Enchantments and trashing encampment of love addled stampheads

With my drug at my side, I don't even have hide I can broadcast my life

# IV.

I am dead to the world, giving head to girls

The ones who spiral liked they're whorled, guard up sturdy and burled

# V. 

I figured by now I'd be dead or in jail

Or bled out on rails

Head blown off with a brain full of pain killers no doubt 

# VI. 

Out of here is where head 

Not even one drop bled, though the dropping sands.

I said I'd do it, I know my plans

# VII. 

No, I'm not who you say

God is dead, so I pray 

For my absolution, absolutely losing my 

# VIII. 

Head down

Eyes closed

I know she knows

# IX.

But that's just how it goes

Suicide is terrorism, I'm rigged to blow

Since 2017, yeah I tried to take it slow

With the manic ideation of escaping situations like

# X. 

This pain. These drugs. 

I'm sure we're fucked

Oh No (I'm Falling To Pieces Again)

# I. 

I bet mumkey Jones thinks I'm a pussy 

I bet AJJ all think I'm weird

But I long for the day that maggots make food of my face 

I want to be a fertilizer for a field 

# II. 

I gave up on giving up again

Apathy my one and only friend

But I look on and laugh as I make belief with my hash

I want to give up and pave a different path

# III. 

I fell face first into love and drugs

Substance tends to calm me with it's hugs

But I've lost any faith I had in someday being saved

'I want to get out' is all that I can say

# IV. 

Illicit as the day is awfully long

Anything I say is often wrong

But I longed for the news that I found my way out of the noose

This game is always rigged so what's the fucking use? 

# V. 

One day more is all that I can promise 

I'm so fucking done with fucking all this 

But I'm so fucking stoned I can't even find my way home

So broke that my failures are all I'll ever own 

# VI. 

Would you love me if I were a worm? 

Even if I didn't make you squirm? 

Even if I'm homeless, anhedonious, and alone? 

Would you still be there for me when I call your phone? 

# VII. 

I bet every day that I'll be cured

My gambling issues they have soared

But I'm still hopeful I will either get better or die

Life is meaningless, all I can do is try

I Want To Be Fertilizer For A Field

# I. 

Blowing BZ on base, getting faced

Strapped with #4 just in case, cuz shit gets crazy 

I've been lazy eyed and hazy, fried as long as the day ends in Y

But I do try 

# II. 

To make it through my dark days 

Unscathed with a smile on my face, 

But shit gets laced with apathy and swallowed by the beast

I'm praying that I'm facing east

# III. 

I'm spacing out with racing doubt. I'm pacing loud. 

I made it out of the sauna with my karma intact

I made it 5 whole miles till I blew a flat 

# IV.

Woke up on the ward floor, I'm not sure what for

I keep at this fight, I've long since lost sight 

Of what's wrong and right, as black as this night 

As sad as this song, it's gone on too long 

# V. 

So what the fucks wrong with me? Should I bathe in this caustic chemistry? 

Am I made of anything but agony, you could have fooled me

I'm spastic and raggedy, I'm sure you'd agree

# VI. 

On plastic they're bagging me when I finally leave 

Bombastic, they're tagging me as finally deceased 

I'm past it, I've had it up to here with this shit 

I said I'd make a couple albums and then go split

# VII. 

But then the sauce spilled all over my face and tits

And I woke up and all that I could write were hits

And I broke up with apathy and she was a bitch 

I spoke up in traffic and got met with a fist

Blowing BZ On Base

# I. 

I've got the urge to purge 

the internet of all the words

That I've let left unspoken, unheard 

Fragments tattered, broken, and slurred

# II. 

Plastered on the pavement and blurred

Brain matter fed to the birds

I tried to patch my shattered psyche up with distillate and words 

To no avail

# III. 

Stale metaphors fail 

To articulate what drives these wails

Hurricane force winds in these sails

Heading off the map strapped to a bed of nails

# IV. 

Nothing if not derailed my train of thought remains

Neuralgia makes me stray from cars and trucks and planes

We're all just generalizing to avoid the pain

Of individuality, I can't maintain 

# V. 

I wanna tear apart my heart, but I'm too weak

So all I do is atrophy alone and weep

But tears just won't come out, an overdrawn account 

Of all the misery to which I am devout

Substance Soaked I Awoke: Episode IV - I've Got The Urge To Purge

Why Does Everyone I Fall In Love With (Try To) Kill Themselves?

# I. 

I'm gonna die in a pile of all my slactivism.  
  
Gave up trying to keep this dark shit back    
      
So here's one more track for the cops that get called for my next welfare check.  
      
But what's the Net negative of ending a life paid for with welfare checks?
  
I eat more weird plants than your weird aunt      
       
And I'm only in town for one more night. 
    
# II. 
   
So fuck the shit out of my fingers, call me a songwriter slash singer    
    
For one more night, just gimme limelight,   
   
Been here too long singing the same damn song, 
    
And much like my bong I get cleaned up biweekly, but no one sees me clean.  
       
Two shades of green, vapor and leaves, that's how I breathe.   
    
# III. 
  
I say I'm living out in Nebraska when people ask, 

it ain't true but it gets them off my ass, 

Been hiding in plain sight for years, with a waxpen in my hand and leaky lossless overears 
   
I've been a cringe fest like incest porn DMCA forms sent to your girlfriend's parents house when you're there for Thanksgiving, 
   
Motherfucker I'm going out singing    
  
Protesting till the day I'm swimming in barbiturates.  
   
# IV. 

Sworn into secretly and frequently sharing my life online.    
   
To feel like this isn't just a waste of time 
   
And money, 
fucking funny is all it can be because otherwise it's terrible,    
   
And that just might end me.   
   
I feel the lows, I ride the highs, manic madness is tonight 

# V. 

No Seroquel to keep me grounded

Gabapentin take a bite

Of my neuralgia, glad I found ya

Before they put me in the ground 

You'll have to cut off my dead tongue 

Or forever my songs will then be sung

A Song For The Cops That Get Called To My Next Welfare Check

# I. 

I burn bridges like an arsonist 

And I'm still not sure what starred this but

I wanna get shot in the face

# II. 

I'll wrap this poem in hash oil and post it

Until I am a corpse. When one day I, finally escape


# III. 

Hasn't anybody learned don't ever trust a man who plays guitar

The day I blow my gourd  is the first day I'm not lying to you or me about what I believe 

# IV. 

If I die then let my gravestone read “rest in peace what.cd”. 

Lossless and costless to my brain

If I live then let my heart beat like a off-white powdered line

Cuz I'd sooner nod off than get sick again

# V. 

Hasn't anybody learned the last to make the moves, they're the first to say the words

The day I blow my gourd is the first day of my life as an honest man. An honest man

The day I try and fail to finally blow my gourd is the day I finally get what I deserve

Don't Ever Trust A Man Who Plays Guitar (Pat The Bunny/Wingnut Dishwasher's Union rewrite)

#

I'm not a prodigy, I'm just a pothead. We can't drown, we've been living at the bottom of the sea 
     
    
For so long, we've grown strong enough to breathe water and disbelieve what we've been taught. 
   
#.  
  
They say the good die young and that art imitates life. 

Well, life's a joke and death is the punchline. 
   
She said the songs I wrote are just lies

And she's right, but the truth won't get me through the night.  
     
#

I swear that I've been locked in the same damn fight 

with myself and my health, and my lack of wealth don't 

bother me, but it's hard to breathe 

since I run on sentences and powdered leaves. 
   
#

And I can't picture ever spending one day free from pain and substances coupled with desire to bleed out

Poetry onto a mattress. Seen enough friends disappear into obscurity. 
   
#
 
Is where I'll be, and I'll see you in dreams. Wake up reminded that the ones I loved left me. 
   
Alone in my homeless, stoned anhedonius. Phone reported stolen with my throat still swollen.   
  
#
 
From the last time I tried partial suspension.

Falling from grace, (when I was) hoping for ascension (Mac Miller ascension sample)

I mentioned things I'd like to forget, 

I spent all of my allotted time on this rock running from regret 

#

And gunning for my head, lying around half dead
 
Chained to self harm, pill bottles, my bong and my bed

Sores accumulated slowly, while I atrophied, you know me long enough to know I'm broken as the sentences I've spoken 

#

Fragmented and cemented in the substances I've stolen

Hearts of those unlucky few who made the mistake to go into 

Dark places with faces masked in hash and burned to ash 

All of the photographs, it never lasts, all that is sure is that time will pass

#

Classes, glasses foggy, first hand lessons in pharmacology, 

Take me back to Sag Harbor promptly 

Nobu brunch, back when Stone Barns would comp me. 

Picturesque, addiction yet to ruin the nuclear 

Family melted down over bottles of Morphine

More fiends in Melville than are in hell

Said I'd make it out someday and find a way somehow

I'm Not A Prodigy, I'm Just A Pothead (Demo)

# I. 

Well I've been working on becoming what I am

Shooting dope in this DSS bathroom 

And these days I dream like I live

Off hash, and handouts so taxing

# II. 

Why did I stay a coward? I wonder

Why did I stay breathing? I just can't remember

So screw it, my best is hell. Trust me I won't stay forever

Forever 

# III. 

Isn't this genre dead they all ask

Not as long as I'm still broke and screaming

And if they don't cut my tongue off my dead teeth

Well they won't even stop me, by burying me

# IV.

I am nothing. I'm living a drug addled nobody

When I do fall asleep, it's from pills that I stole

I know I've never felt quite as free, as when I am stoned

When I am stoned

Free When I Am Stoned (Rewrite of Free And Alone by Pat The Bunny)

# I. 

I need an explanation 

No more mental masturbation

Past the point of no return

All of my bridges they did burn. In turn-

# II. 

-I lost the plot and found a bench

The junkies told me “get a tent”

The shelters that I came and went 

Insane inside were lumpen. Spent-

# III.


-The rent on fent and dug a hole 

Just big enough for my tortured soul

Dissociate, dissect untold 

Deceased identities I stole

# IV. 

It's all I have just breathing still

My pride was the bitter pill

To swallow, wallowing away

But I persist, just one more day

# V. 

Inside this burning hellscape 

Of a rock hurdling through space

Stumbling back and forth and out of pace

Smash mirrors just to hide my face 

# VI. 

Illicit as the day is long

I'll find the strength to write a song

About how everything went wrong

When I look up from my bubbling bong

# VII. 

I hope that she's not standing there

With tight crossed arms and unbrushed hair

Blue eyes don't hide how much she's scared 

To see me handcuffed to the chair

# VIII. 

Erupting in a roar of sound

As my limp body hits the ground

The hammer fires a single round

Collapsing in a heaping mound

# IX. 

Of powdered ODSMT

Staged for all the world to see

I'm wading in the velvet sea

Of substances and agony

# X. 

I stagger doses just to breathe 

While I bleed out pure poetry

Uncut as I approach. Reprieve-

-From hanging myself from a tree

# XI. 

And stripping paradoxically

Spinal tap my coccyx. See-

-It's all for not and none for me

I've all but lost my joie de vive

# XII. 

I'm leaving on a puff of smoke

I'm heaving up the plants I choke down-

Despite being flat ass broke 

Unpaid for all the words I spoke 

# XIII. 

I wanted something I could hold

Unfettered by disease untold

Unaltered by the passing days

Unstained by all the sordid grays

# XIV

That dye the spastic state I'm in

A punishment for my past sins

A taste of karma. Harm reduced to-

-Ashes on the stovetop

# XV. 

All I know, not what I do

Is that I'm sure I don't know you

Is there a point to living dead inside 

With pesticides in head? I've tried-

# XVI

-To crawl out of this grave

Substances they did enslave

Nothing left for me to save

Pinned to the road that I did pave 

# XVII. 

With love and lust, never with trust 

Survival seems like it's a must

But it's a maybe. Is it-

-Just to rearrange the settled dust

# XVIII. 

Into a poem nobody would care

-To read? 

At best to stop and stare-

-With greed

It's what I need

It's apathy so pure and sweet

Clandestine Cannabinoid Consumption For Dead End Dropouts Drowning In Debt: Episode III

# I. 

I know that 40s are the blunts of folk punk

Like cigarettes and ramen that you stole. Most drunk

Bums that play my songs don't sleep in sober

Addiction is a battle that for most isn't over

# II. 

But fuck the booze, drink kava instead

I got 4 grams of kratom in my dumb head

I'd rather swallow something that could never leave me for dead

Fuck the dope, eat plants instead

# III. 

I've been around in agony for long enough

To know there aren't pain meds strong enough

To keep my burning spine at bay

I'll toss and wash to make it one more day

# IV. 

Sat it's not as fun, we'll sure

But heroin these days is never pure

And overdose is what's in store, then your family will find you on the floor

# V. 

I've been tar-y eyed and nodding off

For long enough to know that I am often lost 

Inside the sauce trying to get my point across

I always pay the cost

# VI. 

Fuck the dope, fent and tranq in the mainline

8 grams of kratom up in my dumb brain. I'm 

Fired up for face planting on the pavement 

Another day spent here braindead

Folk Krunk - A song about dropping everything to drink kava and kratom on a beach somewhere

I Just Wanna Go (Ghostwriting gig)

# I. 

Stockpile the sedatives 

Chained to this bed and it's

Apathy in the IV

-

I've tried to say

That I'll find a way 

But it's not you, it's just me. 

# II. 

I broke with Miss Contin 

5 years ago

And some days I don't wish

My head would blow

-

But I'm living on the outside looking in

Forgiven for my doubts

But not my sins

# III. 

and I'm on track to win

My CDs stay stuffed in bins. They don't spin

-

But I'm finding ways to live in my skin

Despite neverending kicks to the shins

# IV. 

A pistol without a firing pin

A mist of brain matter, lost to the wind

Across from my tin-

-pan alley where weed-

-And patience run thin

I'll call to check in. But-

# V. 

-I'm pretty sure that I'm not okay

But I think that I could make it someday

Alone in this prison is where I stay

I'm about as straight edged as I'm stoned gay-

# VI. 

-Lord give me the strength to find my own way

Forgive me for all the things that I say

I'm down on my knees, I might as well pray 

My past self is someone I had to slay

# VII. 

But what the fucks wrong with me

Trying to bathe in this caustic chemistry? 

Am I made of anything but apathy? 

You could have fooled me

I'm spastic and raggedy, I'm sure you'd agree

# VIII. 

On plastic they're bagging me when I finally leave

I'm past it, I'm waking up but only to heave 

Fuck class, I'ma pull up with this mother fucking Mighty

Robert durst up in this bitch, we smacking magic fucking flights

Stockpile The Sedatives (Apathy In The IV)

Everybody's dying but we're all just stuck here trying to get through.
Another year of making sure we're remembered for all the good things that we do.
Because no one wants to end up like Chris Calvin.
And no on wants to die alone and poor.
And no one wants to kill themselves and have to picture all their loved ones.
No one wants to be here in the first place, that's for sure.

Maybe I'm generalizing a bit, maybe you're not all as fucked as me.
I know that I've been stuck in purgatory wanting out since I was 17. 
But I try my damnedest to just keep my head up.
And I try my best to fight to stay alive. 
Avoiding balconies, and falling trees, morphine replaced with powdered leaves, and still I don't trust myself to sober up and drive, 

As I struggle to stay buoyant, on the outside I'll play coy and say it's fine. 
But I've been manic since last Monday overindulging to get out of my mind.
I think that Carrie Fisher said it best.
When she said what it's like to be manic and depressed. 
Honestly I'd be astounded if I lived past 25.
Hell, every morning I wake up and wonder how I'm still alive.

Messin' With The Dressin'

Everybody's Dying

It's the powders it's the pills, 
It's the way they make time stand still
It's the flowers, it's the seeds,
It's the way that they control me
It's the flora it's the fauna,
It's the “I don't fucking wanna sober up”
It's never knowing when enough is enough

It's never waking up at baseline
Or being able to play that bassline
It's throwing up my guts for days
Spine aching, counting all the ways
I have soak myself in substances
Handicapped bathroom hash oil stints 
Is this something I care to change?
Am I stoned or deranged?
Is it still justified to remain high when chronic pain makes me want to die
I try to whiten up my eyes but they soon well with tears
Why does the fear of unrelenting pain seem to consume my nightmarish brain
Face fucking dosed till I'm insane, gained superpowers from the flowers, swallowed seeds trying to explain why they all say I should abstain from drugs and self destructive, reproductive acts, act like I don't want wax inside my lungs each second I'm awake, I pray the Lord my bowl won't break when I spaz out of conscious control of my muscles,

Suicidal breakdowns in my dorm room, bitch so much I need a muzzle. 

 They say I should live,  Me Before you what gives? 

It's the panic, it's the fear, it's living through another year.
It's the sunshine, it's the rain, it's nightmares of being on that plane
It’s the lack of any drive, it’s just the  “I don’t fucking wanna be alive”
Perception’s so contrived

I'm vomiting up words and sounds hoping I'll stumble upon something profound, but all around it's just the same damn song, 
I hate the world they did me wrong, 
Leave me alone, don't take my bong, 
Be happy I'm still here.

Substantial Revelations

I fucked a girl in a psych ward bathroom, but she was in my

head case of a social workers office when I heard just what she said.

She said “I’m in desperate need of someone who can understand what I’ve been through.

And finally I meet one and he’s a jew, what do I do.

The neo-nazi who played yahtzee.

With her bleeding heart did not see.

Falling into this regime

and letting go of all her dreams.

Coming straight at her like a semi.

Her eyes they haunt me in the night,

I...
Mean....

I met a girl in a psych day program but she was in my head.

Case of a social worker's office when I heard just what she said she said

“I'm in desperate need of someone who.

Can understand what I've been through.

The fairy tales all lied too, you.

Need to find him or I might just do it.

I don't want to get ahead of myself but I'd like to get behind her.

Idea of running every morning

Now if I could only find her mom won't let her know I called today she won't pass on the things I say,

But maybe this will all just be okay.

But...

California fell off the side of the flat earth theorizing how to inject gay weed into unsuspecting tourists eyes

seen up and down the front page

Of the internet and Backpage and I haven't found a single reason not to be enraged.

But trade the politics for koala pics and you'll feel a bit less sick and tired

Of all the ways the world hates gays and how tolerance has been trumped and fired

in favor of bitter bigotry, of racism and misogyny.

Speak to me, breathe in polluted air.

The world is fucked but they don't care.

It's their children who will watch it crash.

While they sit on their mountains of daddy's cash.

Oh, Bill Nye couldn't save the world.

From the influx of delusional Tumblr girls

and boys and special snowflakes

In the woke wake of the mistaking personality for gender politics are one thing I always forget to

remember to stay out of thought I'm constantly in doubt of my own bisexuality, there's already a dick in me.

The Neo-Nazi Who Played Yahtzee (California Fell)

Everybody's trying but we're all just drugged out crying on the floor
But she's like weak leaf that I've been eating cuz it still comes to my door

But I'm still chomping kilos in my dorm room. 
Or should I say my drug infested porn tomb
Everything I do is suspect to the unsuspecting passer-byer. 
Higher than Obama freshman year, I will survive

It's like Demi Lovato, we’ve been living with bravado now for years.
And we lie right to the outside world while we dope up and choke back all of our tears.
But at least it's nice to know we're not alone. The oxy generation is how we will be known. 
We could blame it on the 90s we could blame it on Purdue or we could CT before we OD on fent laced fake pressed blues.



You met me through tinder, I probably was hindered by drugs.
Or should I say plants I've been eating in advance now for months,
But I still wake up every day in tears.
And I still think I'm the source of all my fears.
Maybe one day I'll have figured out how best to live this lie, 
But for the moment the best I can do is toss, wash, inhale and try.

And I'm still stuck at home refreshing Reddit on my phone relentlessly. 
To find the ld50 of loneliness and drugs that I find odious and weak.

Demi Did Nothing Wrong (Everybody's Trying)

It's the nausea, it's the pain, the signals that drive me insane
It's the coward in my brain, the thoughts I have yet to have slain,
It's the misery, it's me, it's all the things I'll never be, it's what it is. And it will be

Flaccid Acid addict Adam had em all fooled til the end
Cannabinoids cut through the noise of electricity in my head
Spastic ash catching, glass smashing, glowing bangers red
“I'll probably kill myself tomorrow” is what the procrastinating asshole in me said
Angry at music, and all the one things I can't do, 
sick of the same old fucking joke of an existence when I wake up and get pissed that I'm still here, 
still living my whole life in fear. 
Tears trailing down my burning skin I tell myself that I can win because if I can believe it I know that I can perceive it. 
Stop sobbing over the signals, nothing or broken or bleeding. 
I'm pleading “get the fuck over it, suck it up and get sober” shit I've been tripping stoned for weeks my ego is getting weak. 
I've been smoking changa for breakfast and eating shrooms inside my sleep, 
I've been eating paper all reckless, 25i is too cheap. 
1p is my something special, 5-MeO is a dream. 
Aythuasca I lost ya, in my baby woodrose tea. 

When I'm Sonoran and boring I'll give San Pedro a sip. 
I've got an appetite for mescaline and that whole ten strip. 
I've been numbed still on all that Seroquel, still holding onto pills, Lithium made my world turn gray, and Xanax took away my will. 

I ever be free from these demons? 

TeamTrust my tabs will not be bunk, and that my lungs will fill with skunk.
Transport me into space and funk me in my mind I've gone spelunking
Dunking dabs, swallowing slabs, dulling the stabs of pain that grabs me by the throat, 1 and a half years without playing a note

Substantial Revelations: Episode II - Lucid In The Streets With Acid

Jesus take the wheel cause' I keep swerving into traffic.

Take that Seroquel, the miracle that stops my psychopathic

Episodul lose of all fucking control.

To not be dead or

at least higher than all the people I admire in this world.

_____

Are we alone or are we sent here by design?
Does any of it fucking matter or are we just wasting time,

with our monotonous existence?

With such painful persistence,

I've been building up a distance between myself and the suicidal mindset

_____

(Set) down your bowl for just a moment, hear me out,

I know you're faithfully so hateful to this world, I know I was devout

before I figured out nobody really fucking cares.

So you can take off your headphones now and stop being scared.

_____

Fall face first, and feel the burn.

It's time to learn that you can handle it.

Just get out of bed before you atrophy and stand a bit like,

_____

I've been so inactive spending years just merely acting

like I had control over anything.

Living life a crippled spastic hating fucking self medicating, self deprecating fucking asshole,

without a god damned clue how to move on and forget about the past.

So let's get through this pain soaked day the only way I know I've got,

and that's with coping skills and nasty pills and mass amounts of pot.

_____

And I don't know, where I'll go.But I'm not failing three times in a row.

And I've got a gun (I don't),

and I'd say it's been fun.

_____

But it's been hell in handbag lugging this bed of nails around.

Always rains just enough to waterboard but not to drown out all the signals with substantiated cures.

I am shooting for September but I'm really just not sure

If I can keep this mask glued on with painkillers and hash,

Clued onto all the latest fads

Like shoving weed up my ass

_____

And if I’m breathing still, then ignore me. But if I’m bleeding on the floor please let me die, do not resuscitate, and bring me back to this world I hated

(Hated) every fucking moment of my turgid existence,

Despite this I’ve been making plans and still going the distance,

Required for humans to be seen as normal,

All the while making shit poems to act as informal

Suicide notes, and last wills, this last pill might kill me

But it's better than waking up to know that I'm still me.

_____

Jamie pull that up, we're got a live one and and he's dead.

Everything in his life was fixable except that big hole in his head.

The nightly news at 5 identified him and, by that I mean Reddit, misinformation is our nation, do your Civic duty, spread it

_____

(It) was his dying wish to be on your TV.

And for you to know exactly what he means.

When he says “we're all fucking dying out here”

Hopefully it's crystal clear, that we don’t belong here,

And we all want to disappear.

Anhedonia EP

Anhedonia (Nobody Really Fucking Cares)

"This is what happens when you get a $92 starter guitar on Amazon, versus a $350 acoustic electric from Sam Ash"

This Is What Happens When You Get a $92 Starter Guitar on Amazon (Intro)

You matched with me on the 25th of May
“My life is a Trainwreck lol” is what you'd say when I'd ask how's it hanging honey,
You'd crack a suicide joke 
-funny
But seriously dude are you okay?
And she’d say “I've been fucking dying now for years, I'm broke and out of tears.
I can't feel a fucking thing and I've all but lost the will to sing.”

And I know I'm probably about to be an asshole.
But having just climbed out of my hole and just pried my fingers off this burning glass bowl.
I think it's more important to save yourself than to be of help.

So I'm putting on my respirator first, - for sure.

And so I'll ghost her.
I'll hurt her the most -
- Were we to get any closer
It wouldn't work
So I'll be a jerk
I don't play games
And no one even knows my name
I'm wracked with shame and life's a blur, and so I'll ghost her

Tinder For The Suicidally Depressed: Episode I - Ghost Me Daddy

Ya boy here was balls deep in her suicidal depression
When our manic states aligned and the rest of the world was lessened

As we spent our years out pining not alive but still not dying

Trying just to stay afloat, I left her text unread for 3 days and then she wrote:

“I'm sorry, I'm in the hospital, I failed once more. I took a bunch of pills but they found me barely breathing on the floor
I know I said I wouldn't do it
I'm sorry that I put you through
It's an embarrassment to be me
Technically alive but dude I'm a fucking zombie

Spun sideways Fridays untied and fried says “I wanna dye my hair red with my head's contents
Are permanently stained black and dark, 
With each passing year that I embark on this escapade of loneliness, this anhedonius bliss, 
I live in is just fine.

Tinder For The Suicidally Depressed: Episode II - Manic Pixie Nightmare Chick

Would someone please kill me?     
       
I'm pissed that I'm still breathing out, not bleeding out on the floor.     
     
I'm know pain's not fatal, and I'll have to wait till it's over and that there's no cure.      
     
For this unending torment, so get bent I'm sure that I'm living the best that I can.       
      
But I'm just a waste and a drain on the system, no matter how hard I pretend.       
          
That it's useful to stay living.     
     
I'm prolonging giving myself an easy out maybe then.        
      
I'll finally know peace, but until then I'm just looking forward to my untimely end.      
    
If these words are useful to anyone out there then maybe it's not all for none.        
      
But fuck this games rigged, I'm giving up on giving up, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Would Someone Please Kill Me? (Another Song For The Suicidal Chronic Pain Patient)

I would kill myself with kindness
I would shoot myself a smile
I would go drown myself in positive affirmations for a while.

I would just hang myself a Phish poster,
Though most days I'm still closer to just drugging up and dying but despite this I'm still trying 

To stay on this burning hellscape
Of a rock hurtling through space
Putting off my trip to Switzerland
Where this finally will all end

And I've been here far too long, singing the same damned song
It's getting worse each day, I'm not sure I can be strong

(Chorus)

It's right to die, but wrong to try.
The failure rates are far too high. 
We're all drugged up trying to get by
With our middle fingers towards the sky

We didn't ask to be brought into this dying world broken as ghosts.
But of this waste of flesh and cash, I'll make the most-

-Day's I'm just looking to the sunset when I can drug myself and not get shitty glares, in my wheelchair. This close to pulling out my hair.

And if I do one thing it proves to them that I could've done it all,
Even if it lands me in a blind dazed crawl.

No matter how many times I lose my motor function and wind up seizing up on the pavement seeing black until my flare-up goes away.

I'm still doubting my senses and mounting expenses wondering if it's worth it to stay another day

If I can make it to next year where I'll be headed is unclear, 
I'm rapidly declining lately, needing more just to sedate me. 

Is it really a net positive to stay here? Is the causative result clear and beneficial to this world?

Or am I merely killing time living on someone else's dime, you can say that Suicide is selfish all you want but what the hell's this then.

If I didn't feel the need to organize my thoughts for those I'll leave behind I'd have been gone so long ago.

It's right to die, but wrong to try 
I won't let my death go awry.
If I'm getting out I'm doing it right.
Give me 12 grand, and let me say goodnight

Right to Die, Wrong to Try

Right To Die

[Verse 1]

I was a stoner until I turned plant and pill head
    
But before someone kick-started my cripple career, I was straightedge  
   
And everyone's quick to forget you when you're just a wreck
    
Before we disappear let's make some noise they won't forget
   
[Chorus 1]   
    
And I'll smoke myself to death
    
Or at least, I'll smoke myself to sleep. 
  
I fall asleep smoking to wake up on fire, because that might get me out of this bed for a while



As they drive past, with my bag on my shoulder I can't help but smile through the pain. 
  
I'm sleeping in the ditch tonight, but it's alright.  
   
Because ditch weed is my kind of lullaby
   
[Verse 2]    
   
I was sober all morning till I woke up this afternoon   
   
And before life left me cynical and bitter you know I was shooting for the moon
   
But now I'm shooting for that peace, when that air mattress I'm dying on starts to leak soon
      
I'm spastic, the plastic offgassing, hours passing, the propane torch blasting bafoon.  


 [Chorus 2]

 And I'll smoke myself to death
    
70s, style like rheuzus monkeys 
   
Turkey bags, fish pump, kanapinis pound, I will achieve, asphyxiation, and release.  
    
As the bag fills, last exit to home, I am waving goodbye, and I might be sleeping in for good tonight, and all I See's white, baby ditch weed is my kind of lullaby,

Ditch Weed Is My Kind of Lullaby (Rewrite of Whiskey Is My Kind Of Lullaby by Pat The Bunny)

Hyperalgesic asshole. Bum notes and dumb quotes.
   
Newer tracks go here, for now at least. soundcloud.com/thehippiecripple

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