Beat Poems To Beat Yourself Up Over

# I 

I know myself for long enough 

To know that I'm not strong enough 

To hit the bong enough to get up and get out the fog 

# II 

And up and Adam

Toss the kratom

It had 'em turning their heads quick
 
Bottoms up'd that medicine bottle on main street

I'm too sick  

# III

Give two shits what you spit

Laid with snakes and got bit 

Grew up post recession rich 

Them Hills with them big Dix

# IV

Scream loud dragging that big stick
 
And a sack full of sedatives. 

Until I'm calm, and the bomb track won't detonate like columbine, shit!

# V

I'm fried awake it's morning

I'm dying to get out of the morgue 

Surprised I made it past the my twenty  and even more the fucking four

# VI

Years held captive up on this dying Earth 

Living high in Damien's herse

Doing drugs it's just a war with boredom, but they'll never get me

# VII

Alive, like ones who'll never confide in mandated reporters

Cole Porter, that's how it goes

Anything but the serotonin flows

# VIII

Blows dealt thoughtlessly, crying wolf

40 proof in the pudding

Playboy this coffee's good

The bear is in the China cat

Son, flower in my Pax

Showered in the wax

# IX


Heaps in the back seat of a Medicaid taxi

Feet on stratosphere

I'm outta here

It's back to bed

I live in fear

# X

Of pain

Plants in brain

Lost my headphones

Missed the train

Bus was late 

High point jammed

But I guess you get what you pay


# XII

Forward motion, devotion to a pill or a potion

A plant or prescription, to a noose or an ocean 

Of solvents, everclear as day

That this pain isn't going away 

So all that's left for me to say is 

Is what the fuck is left for me to say,

Crywank Allowed Me To Lower My Standards Enough To Record This

# I. 

Rationing resistance

To the heat and pumping pistons

Sensations I'd hardly miss

Were my universe to subsist

# II. 

Unsubstantiated in bliss

Full of apathy. I insist 

On keeping on the bent and broad 

Spectrum extracts. Calloused claws, plectrum

# III - Bridge

Pykmax in the paws

CBT, clamped in the jaws

I've tried to patch my shattered psyche up 

With distillate and gauze, to no avail

# IV. 

Stale metaphors fail 

To articulate what drives these wails

Hurricane force winds in these sails

Heading off the map strapped to a bed of nails

#  V.

Impaled and embossed, in all of that sauce I'm lost

It did Cost to get across, the rivers I've waded and across almost lost

# VI - Bridge 

My artistic license revoked for driving metaphors home stoned, 

Alone in a dark room with a mic 

The way its been my whole damned life

Rationing Resistance to the Heat and Pumping Pistons (Sensory Overdose)

# I

I went braindead off the copaganda.

I've got pain meds in the pockets, and I

Stopped, dropped, and rolled a joint. At some point

I said I'd keep on screaming til I've lost my voice

# II

6 distros on my disk drive

Having kernel panic attacks reliving the day what.cd died

Why keep hope high as I try to be?

Looking at the sky and screaming, why do my nerves lie to me?

# III

Old and out of tune, yeah the Patent's Pending

Sold my doubt to two sour patch kids, blending 

Psychedelics with psychosis, seroquel in tow. I know 

It's playing with fire, but I love to feel the burn
 
# IV

Emotional endeavors of the reckless kind, mind blown post mortem

Most people will run away from fires, but I'm still running towards em’

Poured a fourth of faking confidence and I shot a bag of hope

It's all to help me cope, and to get by

# V

Unlucky that I'm still alive

But I've been crying, lying bleeding in a pile of broken mirrors

While I breathe intoxicants

Into the darkness we go tap dancing on our own graves

Living fast, hard, and dangerous like she used to say

Substance Soaked I Awoke: Episode II - Live Fast, Hard, and Dangerous

I. 

Spend my life sequestered as a

Pest inhaling petrol. Potent

Pressed Methaqualone inside a 

Sack of smack and bones. I think

II. 

I'm sure I'm not alone. I've got

The world inside my phone. A fire

Hazard of a home, and deep

Reserves to keep me stone cold sober

III. 

Saturdays with tattered faces

All alone in this dark basement- 

-More to me to stay alive  

Than to stay sane. Remain deprived 

IV. 

And everything will be alright 

Just draw the blinds and kill the lights

I'm out options, out of fight

I wish that this would end tonight

V. 

But why today, why not last year? 

Why push through that and give up here? 

I'll spare the sword and leave the spear

Stuffed in my skull from ear to ear

VI. 

So I'll be here tomorrow

Maybe if I push the sorrow down

I'll make it out my cold coffin 

And touch ground every so often

Substance Soaked I Awoke: Episode III - Apathetic Indifference Saves Lives

# I.  
   
I flipped the world off when I came out swinging
   
Y'all can fuck off, drugged if I'm singing. 
   
It's a nightmare I'm living. I've been given no choice.  
   
It's get high or die. I've done lost my voice.  
  
Screaming at the walls. 

Man, I've lost it all. 
   
Ain't no turning back, but I've got feet to fall. 
 
I should've offed myself 5 years back instead of living with what I do

The fucks sober? I can't get through 
   
# II.  
    
To the mainstream, but I've hit the pain scene

Harder than that prick kicked me when I was just 14. 
   
“Morphine” is what I scream in my dreams.  
   
Only to wake up to a hellscape worse than I could conceive. 
  
# III.   
     
I breathe, every so often, but I swear I've fucking lost it 
   
The points coming across are getting scary, and it's costing me
   
Dearly to see life less clearly, but I know you hear me and I can't just stop.  
   
# IV.

Dropping droppings melodically, and assaulting sonically the ears of those unlucky few who made the mistake to follow me. 
  
Drop suspension gets a mention for its role in reinvention. 

Killed the bastard that I was   
    
Now let's talk perception 
   
# V  
   
Acid soaked albeit broke, my brain is what I most fear.    
   
I ate a thousand baby wood rose seeds in under a year.   
   
My ego and sense of self up and disappeared. 
    
Input to my nerves was clipping like my shit lavalier. 
      
# VI>
   
Now I never said it was fun to get me here 
   
Most of my trips were misery, unending tears 
      
And spears, pain that felt like it lasted years   
   
But if I can survive that and somehow steer    
      
This speeding car straight while my mind says “veer” 
   
Stop the bleeding heart. Break down in publicg 
   
Here, I'll admit that I've been permatripping 2 whole years. 
   
But I've never seen life so clear.  
   
# VII.    
     
Eugina Cooney, know ending won't be soothing. 

I've been bending all the rules and breaking down like enzymes, 

Baker Acting a fool. 
   
Tool with DragonSpeak, 

Inject the leaves, 

Eject deceased identities 
     
Don't pity me. 
   
Fuck you think I've been headed? Forever indebted to credit card companies    
   
And girls who made the mistake of trying to love me.  
  . 
# VIII.    
      
When I was pushing 20, life was pushing to shove me, out the windows, off the ledge-   
   
Is there some sense inside this head?   
    
Or is it empty like my bank account? Shout till someone hears me,   
   
Somebody call 911. I swear that this is the one that's gonna- 
   
Don't be dramatic now, you know how this goes    
   
If they can't treat shit at the hospital, better to die at home alone 
   
Leave the recorder on all night, so they can know
   
After the fact that I was screaming for a reason. Let go. 
     
# IX.    
  
If it'll kill me it'll kill me, but if I call they'll bill me
   
Either way I'm still me. 
   
Don't get sick. If you do, die quickly

Don't Get Sick, If You Do Die Quickly

# I. 

I'm not broken…much

It's more of a crutch if anything

Left unspoken, untouched

Flushed away my exit strategy

-

Life's changed, I've moved on to greener grasses

Washed brain clean of narcissists that gaslit

I was born rich and I will die broken

Leaving behind words (I'm scared to have spoken) 

I've been scared to have spoken 

# II. 

False prophets this quarter 

Ounce of death poured

Into my sad face

Would end this pain-

# III. 

I got kratom in brain, I think I'm insane but got no posse so I'm just a clown
. 
Out of bedbounds, with the bong bubbling

Out of state now, Cannacap smuggling

Talking weight, kilos in the green tea tin

The fuck is getting high? I've always been

# IV. 

I'm lucky I survived this life of endless sin

I'm fucking rosy eyed when those red flags roll in

I'm stuck here nosing down on lines that seem to hypnotize 

It cost

I lost my mind but left the past behind-

# V. 

-Me on the pavement. 

Words I can't unsay 

Meant more to me to stay alive than to stay sane

-

I burned some bridges

Left the rest in disrepair 

I'd get around to it if I had spoons to spare-

# VI. 

-Me all the bullshit. 

Acting like you really care

Confided in-

-You acted like it wasn't there 

-

I'm ripping out my hair 

I'm scared yet unimpaired 

Face-plant frequently 

This life just isn't fair

Strung out String Theories: Episode I - Carfent in Cargo

# I. 

I'm picking the lock and coming through the door blasting 

Fuck forced intermittent fasting 

Past embalming slowly, for the time I'm only interested in what I can't believe

The opioid abusive relationship is what does deceive 

# II

The hope annoyed the fuck out of me, and I think I've taken it

To the extreme, but somebody's gotta be saying it-

-Is what the doctor ordered every time, was taken as prescribed 

Aside from Saturdays with tattered faces, left alone to die

# III

I will, I won't, I said I'd try

To play it safe just to survive 

Nuclear winter in my mind

And I'm not dressed in the right kind 

# IV

Of body bag to stay safe from the cold

To purge the new and keep the old

To fight to urge I have to scold

Myself for mistakes I've let flow

# V

In all these episodic bouts 

That I can't go a day without 

A manic maniac in pain 

In brain that's constantly in doubt  

# VI

Monsoon or it's a drought

Buried alive, maybe I'll sprout

Found the answers all blacked out

Maybe I'll find another route 

# VII

But I chase clout and pout in front of microphones then shout into the ether of my own creation

Searching for sedation

# VIII

Pacing back and forth as we approach 

Slam poetry beyond reproach

I wrote the wrongs and spoke the quotes

Caught the bus but forgot my coat

# IX

Got off and got onto the dope 

Got clean and shot a bag of hope

Went broke and smoked a pound of cure

Then stumbled onto stage unsure

# X

As shit not living in this nightmare

I'm all out of fight

Where am I left to go when I'm alone and I can't sleep at night 

# XI

Who am I left to emulate when all I want is to be scraped off of the concrete and the metal plates that litter the front gate of my apartment

Strung Out String Theories: Episode V - sudo killall pain

I.

Not shitting beds

I'm losing head-

-Spaced out of time

Marked tracks I tread

All up and down these streets I've bled

Where others drop like flies

Instead-

II.

I kicked the bucket, made a mess

Fell out and woke to find distressed

Estranged endangered species

Looking at my love, what she sees-

III.

-I don't know, but she's still standing there

With tight crossed arms and unbrushed hair

Blue eyes don't hide how much she's scared

To see me lying there

IV.

Wrists wrapped in plastic to identify

The patient and the reason why

The EMTs had to revive

His junkie ass 3 times

V.

5 hits of Narcan on that park bench

That they found me on

My friends had long since been long gone

Despite the amnesty, but all along

VI.

I was the Guinea pig for that batch

Hit the hotspot then I saw black-

-Tar is hard to find on this coast

ECP to fent and fent to ghosts

VII.

Rehab to relapse. Rinse, repeat

Meth to mugshots on your TV

Opioids to obituaries

Being in this deep is scary

Substance Soaked I Awoke: Episode I - Left 4 Dead

# I

These thoughts they sit up on the shelf

And the earthquakes do make it shake

The whole world buckles, vibrations  reverberate 

While I'm an atheist in theory, sky daddy ain't seen me clearly

Since I hung myself with headphones and smothered myself with.my.front.door-

# II

Wake up (gasp) on the ocean floor. 

What's the main pain, man what's in store? 

Is it in brain or in the score of people who got out the door

Just going up? 10 floors at least

Nailed on the head, now he's at peace

Can call us dead junkies, we're worth less than them is what they said

# III

By pushing subs with bloody fingers 

Load the clip and PROP the singer up with sedatives so he can get a bit prophetic 

Poetic license revoked for driving those metaphors home stoned 

Can't even commit to suicide, plans postponed

# IV

Procrastinating on creating one more problem for the person who won't solve them

Lasting memories of envelopes of fentanyl-ways on me

Never in me. Exit scam the world. Man I never inhaled

K turns and carfent made me feel safer, flushed untouched much later 

# V

A music industry major. 

"Useless piece of paper," she said to me

"You know it's true, it's just a scam you fell for at 17" 

Hofstra's cats all go to heaven

19 going on 11 failed attempts

She never told a soul until they put her in that hole

# VI

And she was angry at the world, at all the boys and girls

She knew that fucked her up, and those she didn't know, she wasn't looking up

To meet. She and I were silent partners in this scheme 

To get the fuck out of this bad dream

# VII

I tried screaming but it didn't change shit

The lithium just made me sick 
and shaky

Facilitating manipulation by the ones created

Monsters with mental problems 

4 fucking percent

The odds against us 

25 to 1

You don't succeed, you will wake up

# VIII

In a hospital bed, women fail more than men

But women more often attempt, and self harm multiplies by 10 

The rate that people try it

Die. It's so simple when you don't think about  it
 
Anyone crying over spilt milk personified? I fucking doubt it

# IX

I lost my mind just a couple of times

Sanity it never came my way, but I've been getting by

Monthly payments still enslaving

Cost of living this insane inside a world where all I can produce is evidence of past abuse

# X

And substance use while adolescent, 

Pumped and juiced on Ritalin 

The speed patch in 5th grade

To vyvanse like all day

I lost the plot and found a bench

The junkies told me get a tent

The shelters that I came and went

Insane inside were lumpen-

# XI

-Spent the rent on fent and dug a hole 

Just big enough for my tortured soul

Dissociate. Dissect untold

Identities I stole

It's all I've got just breathing still

My pride was the most bitter pill 

To swallow, wallowing away

Life's better if I keep these thoughts deep in a cave

Underwater Cave Diving for the Uninsured

# I. 

If I drop my headphones on the train tracks, 

I’m going in after them. Fuck, my brain's racked. 

Packed Pax and pain patch, left but came back

Not getting feedback but still catching FLACs

# II. 

Redact.ed like what.cd is my god

That died for our sins and left us aloft

Alone and unloved, get stoned and unplug 

The feedback is growing, along with my nugs

# III. 

But often in times of shock and dismay 

We flock in droves onto The Pirate Bay

Toh Kay said its fine, Hands Thieved 'em alright

I don't pay for music so don't pay for mine

# IV. 

I don't pay for music so don't pay for mine 

My seed box is heavy duty, always online

I got ideation growing, antipsychotics a flowing 

Heavy metals in my plastic head, I'm braindead on the petal

# V. 

With pain meds in the ghetto

Stop saying that shit gets better

Tried to patch my shattered psyche up with substances and letters 

Every day is just a fucking wreck, I'm roped around the neck

Eternally enthralled by apathy, a gravestone to erect

# VI. 

I will, I won't, I wanna die

I know I really fucking tried

To play it safe just to survive

Albeit broken and contrived 

-

But still alive! 

I've said a thousand times, 

that it gets written if it rhymes

No if's and's or reasons why 

My writing shouldn't traumatize

# VII. 

Fuck commas, I've been living broke

And I'll die that way, when I finally choke 

On my vomit, can't calm it, it's gonna end

I know I see it coming but I still pretend

-

That I won't go shamefully to sleep

Leaving friends and family to weep 

And out of my poems it starts to seep

The ideation that exists skin deep 


# VIII.

When I wake from this lucid dream

I'd like to find some harmony

Seems I've been swallowed up neck deep

By this indecision and apathy

-

I show up late and stumble in

With my vaporizers I'm fumbling

"fucking kill me" I'm mumbling

While my psyche it is crumbling

Lost in Lossless: Episode I - I Don't Pay for Music so Don't Pay for Mine

# I. 

My track marks are black marks on medical records 
   
“Drug seeking” written in black Helvetica letters 
    
Blood leaking out my writings, “I'm better than ever”
   
Maybe if I say it enough times I'll believe it, but never have I 
  
# II. 
   
Ever paid the weather no attention. I just let it storm through me
   
If life wants to then it'll screw me 
   
Ain't no point in pushing back. I need wax to patch up these cracks
   
If you don't want to watch me do this, I'd get back 
   
# III. 
    
I wouldn't blame you for leaving. 
   
Every time I say to you “I'll stay” I swear that I don't believe it
   
It's hard to breathe in
   
Crawled up this mountain so high that turning back and walking down feels deceiving
   
# IV. 
    
Heaving, even though I'm swallowing to make me whole

I'm wallowing in all the sadness that exists in my soul

I'm told it takes time to get out of this hole

But I ain't seen the sun since I was 16 years old


# V. 
  
Let it be, let it go. If I can't reach my phone, then feel free to come over. Anytime.  
  
Let yourself in the door, spare key’s under the porch. 

I'll be right where you left me. Every time.  
    
# VI. 
   
I've been living at elevations that would make most folks sick. 
   
I took it all at 5 so I should be okay by 6
   
I've got the medicine on call, delivery is quick.  
    
I swear she's getting secondhand just from sucking my-

# VII. 

-Quick, pick up the phone, I'm all alone inside a slum that I call home

But nothings left of me but ashen skin on decomposing bones 

I left the light on in my darkest place despite escaping. Just in case

I fall back down this rabbit hole. I'd like to think I'm in control

# VIII. 

But every days a fucking wreck, I'm roped around the neck

Eternally enthralled by apathy, a gravestone to erect 

It's not correct to say I stayed alive, more like I bought some time 

What is the statute of limitations for posting cringe online? 

# IX. 

Shut all the hatches and duck below as the pressure starts to rise

I scribble frantically, feeling low. I let out a primal cry

I'm gonna die. Can't say I didn't try to fight it off and stay alive 

I'm drowning in an ocean of agony, all of which derives

# X. 

From one foul kick to the base of my spine

When my brains are on the pavement I will finally be fine

There is no way to save me, I've long since crossed the line

Waste my time wasted, living on borrowed time

Strung Out String Theories: Episode VII - My Track Marks

I.

I'm fucking golden as a goose

Beholden to the use of substances to keep me loose

Emboldened by the brazen ways I've dangled in the noose

Never thought I'd make it through that night

I never thought I'd see the day

I never thought I'd be alright

# II.

Illicit, a response. A question shouted out into the ether

Missed the Renaissance. Morphine, the purple people eater

Need or want it, I don't even know, like what have I to show

For all the trauma, stringing commas together until I blow

# III. 

Brains on the pavement, 

Couldn't be saved, spent my life in a haze

Meant more to be to stay another day then to stay sane, remain decayed 

And everything will be okay, 

Just cut the lines and kill the pain

I'm out of tar and out of time

I wish that this would end tonight 

# IV. 

But why today? Why not last year? 

Why push through that and give up here? 

I'll spare the sword but leave the spear stuffed in my arm in endless fear

So I'll be here tomorrow 

Maybe if I push down the sorrow

I'll make it out of my cold coffin

And touch ground every so often

Illicit: A Response

# I. 

Baking out Bacon Hall

Call me all but forgettable 

I am broke and broken 

Brokering peace deals with my demons

# II. 

Hoping they will last as long as all the trauma

Saved it from my mama

Slept on metal cots and stood in lines just to escape the sauna 

# III. 

Med card out, pig press x to doubt

My only form of ID

Empty a mound 

# IV. 

Of green leaves down my face hole

And I still get stares

I'm tossing and washing all over the place 

# V. 

And oh man I'm scoffing while they're closing all the coffins

Fuck the law

Been 5150 since The Old Hippie was writing blogs

# VI. 
I'm coconuts in the brain

And I'm such a slut for the pain 

If I had a gun I'd be safe 

From the thoughts that drive me insane

# VII. 

I think that I am to blame 

It's my fault I cannot maintain

All the pain I cannot explain

And dark thoughts I cannot not contain


# VIII. 

It's pouring rain on every fucking day

I never get away

From these arid places, liminal spaces, that leave me pained gray

# IX. 

I've fucking lost it years ago I think

At the bottom of my puke green drink

I thought I had control but it was gone in just a blink

# X. 

I'm on the brink of my dissociation

Manic as my thoughts are racing

Pacing my self sabotage

Is it the result or the cause?

Diplomatic Visit To Hell

Verse 1:
I hate the town and everyone in it
When it comes to being done I'm finished
I hate the fake smiles and shallow hearts
I just want to escape and get a fresh start

Chorus:
I'm moving to the desert, leaving everything behind
I'll lose all my old friends and probably my mind
I'm gonna be homeless, living off the land
I'm gonna find peace in the desert sands

Verse 2:
I'm tired of the drama and the games we play
I just want to be left alone, to find my own way
I'm sick of the judgment and the criticism
I can't maintain with my anhedonious limbic system


Chorus:
I'm moving to the desert, leaving everything behind
I'll lose all my old friends and probably my mind
I'm gonna be homeless, living off the land
I'm gonna find peace in the desert sands


Bridge:
I know it won't be easy, living on the streets
But at least I'll be free, no more people to please
I'll find my own way, in this land of endless skies
I'll find my own peace, far from the capitalist lie

Chorus:
I'm moving to the desert, leaving everything behind
I'll lose all my old friends and probably my mind
I'm gonna be homeless, living off the land
I'm gonna find peace in the desert sands

Moving To The Desert

# I.

Is it still folk punk if I'm mostly sober? 

I mean I'm still fucked up but I'm not hungover 

I mean it's all soft drugs, straight weed and kratom 

Toss and wash and up and Adam 

# II.

I've had a long fucking day, it's always drawn out 

I take Seroquel and then I'll nod out

The antipsychotic soaked psyche says to process this dose and repeat nightly 

# III.

Head in my hands, I fall and hit land

I wake upon concrete, trembling I stand

I ask: is this life? the not knowing why? 

The what will I be? The when will I die? 

# IV.

The hole in my head is thick as my will to sedate instead of sticking my pill infested bong hole into the bowl whole

And I'm still got no control

# V.

I pull up with the pot plant reeking

Spot mad heated

Cot that bleeding heart was seated

On, sad bleating

Cost exceeding

Lost my footing and found my seating

# VI.


Face first eating

Pavement. Leaving me sad and painted gray

Spent my existence in a spastic haze

The way it stays until my final days

Is It Still Folk Punk If I'm Mostly Sober?

# I. 

I bet mumkey Jones thinks I'm a pussy 

I bet AJJ all think I'm weird

But I long for the day that maggots make food of my face 

I want to be a fertilizer for a field 

# II. 

I gave up on giving up again

Apathy my one and only friend

But I look on and laugh as I make belief with my hash

I want to give up and pave a different path

# III. 

I fell face first into love and drugs

Substance tends to calm me with it's hugs

But I've lost any faith I had in someday being saved

'I want to get out' is all that I can say

# IV. 

Illicit as the day is awfully long

Anything I say is often wrong

But I longed for the news that I found my way out of the noose

This game is always rigged so what's the fucking use? 

# V. 

One day more is all that I can promise 

I'm so fucking done with fucking all this 

But I'm so fucking stoned I can't even find my way home

So broke that my failures are all I'll ever own 

# VI. 

Would you love me if I were a worm? 

Even if I didn't make you squirm? 

Even if I'm homeless, anhedonious, and alone? 

Would you still be there for me when I call your phone? 

# VII. 

I bet every day that I'll be cured

My gambling issues they have soared

But I'm still hopeful I will either get better or die

Life is meaningless, all I can do is try

I Want To Be Fertilizer For A Field

# I. 

Blowing BZ on base, getting faced

Strapped with #4 just in case, cuz shit gets crazy 

I've been lazy eyed and hazy, fried as long as the day ends in Y

But I do try 

# II. 

To make it through my dark days 

Unscathed with a smile on my face, 

But shit gets laced with apathy and swallowed by the beast

I'm praying that I'm facing east

# III. 

I'm spacing out with racing doubt. I'm pacing loud. 

I made it out of the sauna with my karma intact

I made it 5 whole miles till I blew a flat 

# IV.

Woke up on the ward floor, I'm not sure what for

I keep at this fight, I've long since lost sight 

Of what's wrong and right, as black as this night 

As sad as this song, it's gone on too long 

# V. 

So what the fucks wrong with me? Should I bathe in this caustic chemistry? 

Am I made of anything but agony, you could have fooled me

I'm spastic and raggedy, I'm sure you'd agree

# VI. 

On plastic they're bagging me when I finally leave 

Bombastic, they're tagging me as finally deceased 

I'm past it, I've had it up to here with this shit 

I said I'd make a couple albums and then go split

# VII. 

But then the sauce spilled all over my face and tits

And I woke up and all that I could write were hits

And I broke up with apathy and she was a bitch 

I spoke up in traffic and got met with a fist

Blowing BZ On Base

# I. 

I've got the urge to purge 

the internet of all the words

That I've let left unspoken, unheard 

Fragments tattered, broken, and slurred

# II. 

Plastered on the pavement and blurred

Brain matter fed to the birds

I tried to patch my shattered psyche up with distillate and words 

To no avail

# III. 

Stale metaphors fail 

To articulate what drives these wails

Hurricane force winds in these sails

Heading off the map strapped to a bed of nails

# IV. 

Nothing if not derailed my train of thought remains

Neuralgia makes me stray from cars and trucks and planes

We're all just generalizing to avoid the pain

Of individuality, I can't maintain 

# V. 

I wanna tear apart my heart, but I'm too weak

So all I do is atrophy alone and weep

But tears just won't come out, an overdrawn account 

Of all the misery to which I am devout

Substance Soaked I Awoke: Episode IV - I've Got The Urge To Purge

# I. 

I'm gonna die in a pile of all my slactivism.  
  
Gave up trying to keep this dark shit back    
      
So here's one more track for the cops that get called for my next welfare check.  
      
But what's the Net negative of ending a life paid for with welfare checks?
  
I eat more weird plants than your weird aunt      
       
And I'm only in town for one more night. 
    
# II. 
   
So fuck the shit out of my fingers, call me a songwriter slash singer    
    
For one more night, just gimme limelight,   
   
Been here too long singing the same damn song, 
    
And much like my bong I get cleaned up biweekly, but no one sees me clean.  
       
Two shades of green, vapor and leaves, that's how I breathe.   
    
# III. 
  
I say I'm living out in Nebraska when people ask, 

it ain't true but it gets them off my ass, 

Been hiding in plain sight for years, with a waxpen in my hand and leaky lossless overears 
   
I've been a cringe fest like incest porn DMCA forms sent to your girlfriend's parents house when you're there for Thanksgiving, 
   
Motherfucker I'm going out singing    
  
Protesting till the day I'm swimming in barbiturates.  
   
# IV. 

Sworn into secretly and frequently sharing my life online.    
   
To feel like this isn't just a waste of time 
   
And money, 
fucking funny is all it can be because otherwise it's terrible,    
   
And that just might end me.   
   
I feel the lows, I ride the highs, manic madness is tonight 

# V. 

No Seroquel to keep me grounded

Gabapentin take a bite

Of my neuralgia, glad I found ya

Before they put me in the ground 

You'll have to cut off my dead tongue 

Or forever my songs will then be sung

A Song For The Cops That Get Called To My Next Welfare Check

# I. 

I need an explanation 

No more mental masturbation

Past the point of no return

All of my bridges they did burn. In turn-

# II. 

-I lost the plot and found a bench

The junkies told me “get a tent”

The shelters that I came and went 

Insane inside were lumpen. Spent-

# III.


-The rent on fent and dug a hole 

Just big enough for my tortured soul

Dissociate, dissect untold 

Deceased identities I stole

# IV. 

It's all I have just breathing still

My pride was the bitter pill

To swallow, wallowing away

But I persist, just one more day

# V. 

Inside this burning hellscape 

Of a rock hurdling through space

Stumbling back and forth and out of pace

Smash mirrors just to hide my face 

# VI. 

Illicit as the day is long

I'll find the strength to write a song

About how everything went wrong

When I look up from my bubbling bong

# VII. 

I hope that she's not standing there

With tight crossed arms and unbrushed hair

Blue eyes don't hide how much she's scared 

To see me handcuffed to the chair

# VIII. 

Erupting in a roar of sound

As my limp body hits the ground

The hammer fires a single round

Collapsing in a heaping mound

# IX. 

Of powdered ODSMT

Staged for all the world to see

I'm wading in the velvet sea

Of substances and agony

# X. 

I stagger doses just to breathe 

While I bleed out pure poetry

Uncut as I approach. Reprieve-

-From hanging myself from a tree

# XI. 

And stripping paradoxically

Spinal tap my coccyx. See-

-It's all for not and none for me

I've all but lost my joie de vive

# XII. 

I'm leaving on a puff of smoke

I'm heaving up the plants I choke down-

Despite being flat ass broke 

Unpaid for all the words I spoke 

# XIII. 

I wanted something I could hold

Unfettered by disease untold

Unaltered by the passing days

Unstained by all the sordid grays

# XIV

That dye the spastic state I'm in

A punishment for my past sins

A taste of karma. Harm reduced to-

-Ashes on the stovetop

# XV. 

All I know, not what I do

Is that I'm sure I don't know you

Is there a point to living dead inside 

With pesticides in head? I've tried-

# XVI

-To crawl out of this grave

Substances they did enslave

Nothing left for me to save

Pinned to the road that I did pave 

# XVII. 

With love and lust, never with trust 

Survival seems like it's a must

But it's a maybe. Is it-

-Just to rearrange the settled dust

# XVIII. 

Into a poem nobody would care

-To read? 

At best to stop and stare-

-With greed

It's what I need

It's apathy so pure and sweet

Clandestine Cannabinoid Consumption For Dead End Dropouts Drowning In Debt: Episode III

Hyperalgesic asshole. Bum notes and dumb quotes.
   
Newer tracks go here, for now at least. soundcloud.com/thehippiecripple

Beat Poems To Beat Yourself Up Over

Lost In The Sauce