All at No 19

Plans made, unfulfilled
For a life not lived
We dared to believe it was real
But it wasn’t to be for us
What we grasped for a moment turned to dust
Fleeting perfection, swiftly crushed
Now I survive, because I must

What do I do with the pain
To live life again
To remember is hard
To forget is even harder
We’re together alone
I cry but you won’t
I’m weak and you’re strong 
But who will fall the hardest?

Do you remember before
The darkness came to call
And took away the dream
Now I yearn for those days
To not know, not feel this way
To be ignorant, to be free
To unsee what I have seen

What do I do with the pain
To live life again
To remember is hard
To forget is even harder
We’re together alone
I cry but you won’t
I’m weak and you’re strong 
But who will fall the hardest?

Please listen to me
I’m here and I need you 
We’re different I know
Let me in and I’ll show you
Love can exist with pain
And weakness is a strength
Together we’ll find
I’ll ease your hurt and you’ll ease mine

What do I do with the pain
To live life again
To remember is hard
To forget is even harder
We’re together alone
I cry but you won’t
I’m weak and you’re strong 
But who will fall the hardest?

Who Will Fall?

I don't know how I feel
I should be happy, but I'm not
The slight wasn't real
I know you simply forgot

But why am I not in your field of vision
Why am I not all you see? 
And why does confusion 
Play a part in how you feel?

Time to leave
I can't mean less to you 
Than you do to me
Can't you see
Your indecision set me free
No need for apologies
It's time for me to leave

It's nothing that you did
At least not intentionally
Your focus drifted
Too far away from me
It's plain to see 
That the cracks were present
Right from the start
But I didn't care to see them
I was following my heart

Time to leave
I can't mean less to you 
Than you do to me
Can't you see
Your indecision set me free
No need for apologies
It's time for me to leave

Don't feel bad
There's nothing to forgive
But I deserve so much more
Than you can give

Time to leave
I can't mean less to you 
Than you do to me
Can't you see
Your indecision set me free
No need for apologies
It's time for me to leave

Time To Leave

With huge thanks to Bruce on bass, Ian @Rosarius on lead guitar and Johan @Jambrains on drums and baritone guitar.. 

A moment of clarity like a lightening bolt
A flash of fear and a hopeful jolt
Maybe this is the moment that we all fear
A soothing voice that tells you the end is near

Life turns on a dice, turns on a dice, turns on a dice.

And then my child, the one who was born the first
Puts her head on my shoulder as I fear the worst
Mama, she says, why are you looking so pale
And why do your eyes seem so far away

Life turns on a dice, turns on a dice, turns on a dice.

What will I change if I see the dawn?
Will I live my life differently at all?
Will I see that perfection is already here?
I have all that I need and there's nothing to fear

Life turns on a dice, turns on a dice, turns on a dice.

Life (turns on a dice)

Huge thanks to Iano @Rosarius for the guitar parts and to Bruce on bass... 

Are you ghosting me? Is that your deal?
Is that what this is and how it feels?
And how the hell does that work for you?
Is there guilt, do you have no clue
How it feels to love and care and trust so much
And share your dreams and fears and such
When suddenly …. There is nothing

Chorus
And I think I’ve been mistaken
Are you sick, have you been taken?
Any cause to ease my shame
Cos I really cannot take 
That the mark I left could be so faint 
So easy to erase
Like I vanished without trace

Verse 2
Emptiness, no sound, no sights
A void once filled with excitement
The thrill of the pace and hunger
Their absence strikes me repeatedly
Not once, not twice, with every ping on my devices
Messages not from you scream the truth
You’re not coming

Chorus
And I think I’ve been mistaken
Are you sick, have you been taken?
Any cause to ease my shame
Cos I really cannot take 
That the mark I left could be so faint 
So easy to erase
Like I vanished without trace

Verse 3
I scroll sometimes through the words
Your wrote to me when you saw my worth
No warning of the savage cut
One day warmth, the next day none
Hours of laughter, not pretending
Now a story with no ending
And I swear that I'll delete them all but don't 
Once more succumbing

Chorus
And I think I’ve been mistaken
Are you sick, have you been taken?
Any cause to ease my shame
Cos I really cannot take 
That the mark I left could be so faint 
So easy to erase
Like I vanished without trace

M8
What does that say about me?
That I could be such a fool
What does that say that 
You could be so cruel

Chorus
And I think I’ve been mistaken
Are you sick, have you been taken?
Any cause to ease my shame
Cos I really cannot take 
That the mark I left could be so faint 
So easy to erase
Like I vanished without trace

Vanished Without Trace

Eggshells and rollercoasters
I don’t know which I fear the most
Just waiting for the explosion
It comes even when not provoked
You sidle up to me
And bury your head in my chest
Your arms, they pull me
Even sleeping, you’re not at rest

Rollercoasters, the highs and lows
Confounding what you think and what you know
Nurture the spark, let it grow
You are my soul

Your laughter flows through me
Makes me happy like nothing else
Those who know, those who knew me
See a softness I never possessed
You’re the blinding sunlight
That peeps through the hole in the fence
Your light you like to keep hidden 
A perfect line of defence 

Rollercoasters, the highs and lows
Confounding what you think and what you know
Nurture the spark, let it grow
You are my soul

Hold tight, hang tough
You are enough
Hold tight, hang tough
You are enough

Rollercoasters, the highs and lows
Confounding what you think and what you know
Nurture the spark, let it grow
You are my soul

Eggshells & Rollercoasters

Verse 1
As I touch your trembling shoulder
I say love shouldn’t be this hard
You’re afraid to look at me
Scared I'll start
To make you talk, to make you think
Join the dots, find the link
You know that I won’t rest.. until I…

Chorus
Heal You, separate reality from myth
Heal you, be your rock, erase your sins
Heal you, starve the loss, and feed the wins
Heal you, heal you…

Verse 2
It’s not the nail, that’s all you see
So hand that hammer straight to me
You think that you've all the answers
But I know that you are wrong
So I will fight you, I will bite
I will find a way to prove what’s right
You know that I won’t rest…..until I…

Chorus
Heal You, separate reality from myth
Heal you, be your rock, erase your sins
Heal you, starve the loss, and feed the wins
Heal you, heal you...

Verse 3
I know you turn onto yourself
Silence every cry for help
Let darkness kill the pain
It did before, it will again
But I am here to disabuse you
Of that notion, of that cure
And my kindness might feel cruel
Because it’s new to you and I will….

Chorus
Heal You, separate reality from myth
Heal you, be your rock, erase your sins
Heal you, starve the loss, and feed the wins
Heal you, heal you…

Bridge
I know it’s hard to surrender
It’s hard to be helped
But sometimes you have to accept
That you can’t fix yourself

Chorus
Heal You, separate reality from myth
Heal you, be your rock, erase your sins
Heal you, starve the loss, and feed the wins
Heal you, heal you…

Heal You

I see your silver hair and your smile
So proud yet all the while
Pleased to lead from behind
You always took the time
To let us speak our minds 
So sure that we’d shine

Like glowing embers, I still remember
Love warm and tender
Home was to be near you
That twinkle, that mischievous wink
But gone in a blink
I miss you, I miss you

So many nights, by the phone
You said never walk alone
So you ferried us home
Not a harsh word from your lips
Just the same sound script
And a hug and a kiss

Like glowing embers, I still remember
Love warm and tender
Home was to be near you
That twinkle, that mischievous wink
But gone in a blink
I miss you, I miss you

Now I’ve kids of my own
I see them through your eyes as they grow
You’d have loved them, I know
So I bring you to them instead
An extra kiss to the head
As I put them to bed

Like glowing embers, I still remember
Love warm and tender
Home was to be near you
That twinkle, that mischievous wink
But gone in a blink
I miss you, I miss you

Glowing Embers

I call to talk but I have nothing to say
I just want to hear your voice
I act like I don’t have a care in the world
And that not being yours was my choice
I wanted to tell you that I can’t stop thinking
Of you, your face, and your ways
But words once spoken can’t be reclaimed
So I play the role of friend instead

False friend, there’s no end to my deception
False friend, better longing than rejection
False friend, in the order of what matters
Better dreams untapped than shattered

Your touch is accidental
But it hits like an lightening bolt
My face is a mask, I’ll never show
The feelings you evoke
Are you really not aware
Of the chaos you create
When you’re not here, I’m clear of mind
But one look and I can't think straight

False friend, there’s no end to my deception
False friend, better longing than rejection
False friend, in the order of what matters
Better dreams untapped than shattered

I rest my hand on your seat
When I travel alone
You’re a ghost in my days
Presence felt, never shown
Not a chill, but a warmth in my bones
Like a secret, comforting shawl

False friend, there’s no end to my deception
False friend, better longing than rejection
False friend, in the order of what matters
Better dreams untapped than shattered

False Friend

Feel that pain it happens when you care
Lean right in, embrace it if you dare
Dangerous days, perilous nights
I’ll take the reins, hold on tight

Life has taught you to protect yourself
To not take the fall, stay back from the edge
But love might be right within your reach
If you risk falling for me
Risk the fall for me

One step first, my love is all you need
Soon your thirst for more will set you free
Joyful days, blissful nights  
 Sit with me, hold me tight

Life has taught you to protect yourself
To not take the fall, stay back from the edge
But love might be right within your reach
If you risk falling for me
Risk the fall for me
  
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Don’t hold back cos life won’t wait
If there’s never love, there’ll never be loss              
We’ll all be shielded but at what cost

Life has taught you to protect yourself
To not take the fall, stay back from the edge
But love might be right within your reach
If you risk falling for me
Risk the fall for me

Risk the Fall

Not fair, I shout inside my head
As I hear your news and sense your dread
The harder you try to fake the ease
With which you throw your words at me
The stronger my muscles tighten

The battle ground was laid before
You took your stance with ever more
Than the dignity that I can find
I'm mute of words, blank of mind
Cos I am really frightened 

We are here, we are here
We are everywhere you want us
Anytime you need we'll take your lead
We are here, we are here
We are everywhere you want us
Anytime you need we'll take your lead
We are here

Every path will be paved
With all our love that we can save
For every encounter, every day
We get to hold your hand and say
We'll walk this road beside you

But that won't help to ease the pain
That grows in force as it turns again
To ravage you and all you've built 
While those who thrive are wracked with guilt
Cos only luck divides us

We are here, we are here
We are everywhere you want us
Anytime you need we'll take your lead
We are here, we are here
We are everywhere you want us
Anytime you need we'll take your lead
We are here

Every Path

It's not the losing that I hate
It's the constant hope that's killing me
As I pick myself up off the floor 
I find I want to try once more
I close my ears to logic
Cos the odds are not what's willing me on
It's my crazy stubborn need to show you
I'm the one who wants it most

Watch me lose my mind in pursuit of my soul
Seek perfection but want so much more
As I chase unattainable goals
I walk away alone

It's not the winning that I crave
It's the fear of giving up that's driving me
So what if my delusion gets  right under your skin
Don't you know that I am happily ignoring 
All of your advice for me
Cos I'd rather own my failures
And listen to my sage within

Watch me lose my mind in pursuit of my soul
Seek perfection but want so much more
As I chase unattainable goals
I walk away alone

I'll walk my walk
And you won't stop me
Just sit back, enjoy the ride
To know best 
Must be a burden
Throw it off and take my side

Watch me lose my mind in pursuit of my soul
Seek perfection but want so much more
As I chase unattainable goals
I walk away alone

Lose My Mind

Don't be afraid
Put aside that fear
As the cloudiness comes
I'll be right here
I'll hold your hand
I'll take your weight
Just lean on me
As we wait...

The years pass
The tables turn
From a life and love
That simply were
No question marks
The lines were straight
They’re crooked now
As we wait...

Like an old film reel
The images float
Past my eyes
And that lump in my throat
Makes me tighten
My hold on your hand
My cries I swallow
My tears I fan
As we wait...

Bring me back
To an airy day
Paddling in
In the incoming waves
Trousers rolled
To knees exposed
Laughter loud and
Water cold
Hand held tight
As we jumped each time
The tide pushed us
Back in line
I close my eyes
I hold that thought
As we wait..

And I promise you
I won't love less
Won't loosen my hold
Through the cloudiness
My hand in yours
Your cushion my shoulder
It's simply time
We all must get older
Don't be afraid
I'll be right here
As we wait....

As We Wait

If you ever smile, will it reach your eyes?
You play the serious, the grave
It’s a cover you create 
Something’s hidden in the way
You take me gently with such care
Like I’ll break if you let go
What is it I have not been told
Have you been on this earth before?
How did it end, or should I know?

Please hold me tight tonight, my love
And tell me what you fear
I promise I will fight for you 
Tell you what you need to hear
Whatever demons threaten you
Must reckon first with me
Cos I won’t let you go before
The darkness disappears

I know your laughter it can ring
And your lilting voice will sing
If your darkness ever lifts 
As you cast the past adrift
I’ll be right here to k eep your place
As you float through time and space
To where you finally are free
To come back home to me
Cos you’ve been on this earth before
This time the ending’s one I know

Please hold me tight tonight, my love
And tell me what you fear
I promise I will fight for you 
Tell you what you need to hear
Whatever demons threaten you
Must reckon first with me
Cos I won’t let you go before
The darkness disappears

We can miss or we can score
The time is ours to take and hold
The past is gone, our future clear
If we dare to promise what we dream

Please hold me tight tonight, my love
And tell me what you fear
I promise I will fight for you 
Tell you what you need to hear
Whatever demons threaten you
Must reckon first with me
Cos I won’t let you go before
The darkness disappears

Whatever demons threaten you
Must reckon first with me
Cos I won’t let you go before
The darkness disappears

Hold Me Tight

I am numb
I’ve forgotten how to feel
I have become
An impenetrable shell of steel
I won’t succumb
To their appeals
They beat their drums
But I will not reveal

What goes on inside my head
I won’t be drawn, I can’t be read
And I have no more tears to shed 
My oath is etched upon your grave
I won’t let go, I won’t be saved

I am alone
It’s best that way
I ignore the phone
I have no words today
If they think that I’m not home
Maybe they’ll go away
Cos they just want to know
What I cannot say 'bout

What goes on inside my head
I won’t be drawn, I can’t be read
And I have no more tears to shed 
My oath is etched upon your grave
I won’t let go, I won’t be saved

My words are only mine to hear
I made a promise I will keep
I close my eyes and you’re with me
For now I've everything I need

What goes on inside my head
My vision’s dull, my passion’s dead
I have no heart, I’ve stone instead
My oath is etched upon your grave
I won’t let go, I won’t be saved

No More Tears

For Eva...

All your life I've had my hand on your shoulder
To guide you on your way and catch your fall 
And now that you're that little bit older
I know it's time for you to walk alone

And I'll hold on tight as I let you go
I'll burst with pride but you'll never know
I'll play it cool, won't let it show
You're my fearless, independent soul

I remember the first time I held you
The months I'd waited couldn't have foretold
The feelings that overwhelmed me
You took my breath, you took my heart, you took my soul

And I'll hold on tight as I let you go
I'll burst with pride but you'll never know
I'll play it cool, won't let it show
You're my fearless, independent soul

Fearless

I can't bear it
This feeling tugging at me
I swear it's coming out of nowhere
Now it's swirling, curling 'round my sanity
You hold me to calm me 'cos I'm gasping for air

We gotta get out of here
Gotta run, gotta jump, gotta land right
And then I know we'll be alright
We gotta get out of here
Gotta run through open spaces
With no familiar faces
Just you and me

I can't take it
Can't take any more fear
It's pouring through my body like rain
My reserves are depleted
I'm weak and I'm needy
You want me to believe that I'm not going insane

We gotta get out of here
Gotta run, gotta jump, gotta land right
And then I know we'll be alright
We gotta get out of here
Gotta run through open spaces
With no familiar faces
Just you and me

No more isolation
These walls are crashing in on me
The lights are flashing, blinding me
You're my inspiration
You see in me what I don't see
You bolster me 
Cos you believe in me

We gotta get out of here
Gotta run, gotta jump, gotta land right
And then I know we'll be alright
We gotta get out of here
Gotta run through open spaces
With no familiar faces
Just you and me

Out Of Here

I smile at you and all you see
Is darkness surrounding  me
And all this time I'd thought I’d hidden it so well 
I can’t understand how you could tell

But I won’t talk about it 
I won’t let you under my skin
I won’t talk about it 
I’m never gonna let you in

You sit with me when you see I’m alone
Why do I recoil at the kindness in your tone
I know that you’re convinced I need to share
But listen to my silence if you dare

Cos I won’t talk about it 
I won’t let you under my skin
I won’t talk about it 
I’m never gonna let you in

Listen won’t you listen 
You might not always be right
Don’t assume that my position
Didn’t come without a fight
It’s with reason that I push you
Out of mind and out of sight
Sometimes the deadliest of flames
Are the easiest to ignite

I won’t talk about it 
I won’t let you under my skin
I won’t talk about it 
I’m never gonna let you in

I Won't Talk About It

There are no words that I can say
To take the pain away
I write a phrase and hit delete
I write again, and then repeat

What do you say to someone who's lost everything
What do you say when there's nothing left to fight
I want to scream but there's no one to scream at
There must be someone to blame, right?

You turn to me for comfort and strength 
And I fail to give you what you expect
Soothing words turn to dust on my lips
Consolation I cannot give

What do you say to someone who's lost everything
What do you say when there's nothing left to fight
I want to scream but there's no one to scream at
There must be someone to blame, right?

Those who say everything happens for a reason
Should stay the hell away from me
Cos in a world full of madmen and villains
Why take the gentle and let the monsters run free

What do you say to someone who's lost everything
What do you say when there's nothing left to fight
I want to scream but there's no one to scream at
There must be someone to blame, right?

What Do You Say?

I'd go anywhere in the world for you
I'd abandon best laid plans for you
Maybe do the things I thought I couldn't do
To be with you

I'm like putty in your hands
I relish your demands
And welcome every feeling you invite 
I'm enthralled and I'm transfixed
Love never felt like this
So maybe this time we got it right

I'd go anywhere in the world for you
I'd abandon best laid plans for you
Maybe do the things I thought I couldn't do
To be with you

I told you once in a flash of truth
I love the bones of you
With such intensity it almost hurts
And I still feel the same
I'm like a moth to your flame
And I don't care if I burn

I'd go anywhere in the world for you
I'd abandon best laid plans for you
Maybe do the things I thought I couldn't do
To be with you

Be With You

Big thanks to Emma J on drums and Bruce on bass.. 

Watch all the good people
Try to survive 
Cheerfully pushing through
Their struggle disguised

Watch the lonely 
As they say goodbye
Their gentle smiles that hide
The pain inside

Open your eyes
You might be surprised
At all the trouble
Hidden in plain sight
If you open your eyes

Watch the childless
As they pass you by
Empty arms that ache
For what they're denied

Watch those left behind
They might seem alright
With a hole that can't be filled
No matter how hard they try

Open your eyes
You might be surprised
At all the trouble
Hidden in plain sight
If you open your eyes

What you want is what you don't have
You want the silver lining but never the cloud
Show me love and I'll show you pain
Maybe the sun shines only after the rain

Open your eyes
You might be surprised
At all the trouble
Hidden in plain sight
If you open your eyes

Open Your Eyes

All songs on channel are original and copyright of Karen O'Mahony (c). 

You'll find me also here in my collaboration project with Johan Alm https://soundcloud.com/ashesfordreams

All at No 19

monno