BUY ON ALL PLATFORMS: https://maephixel.com/#latest

all tracks produced, mixed, and mastered by phixel
backing vocals on track 1 and 5 by jackalsclaw
vocals on track 5 by saoirse dream

photography and design by cleo mckenzie
additional creative direction by louis nguyen
distributed by lipglossparty

created from august 2022 - september 2023

this is an album about the worst few years of my life. its about being trans, being mentally ill, and taking those into account when considering my place in the world. its about being hurt by someone i loved, and about coming to terms with how that affected me. years of going through it, and years of recovery. i hope, despite my words being intertwined with those painful memories, that you can enjoy what came of it.

thank you to cleo, louie, delta, mela, and jackal for helping immensely with creating and releasing this project

cw for themes of self harm, suicide, and abuse across the project

IN DUST AND ROT

prod. @fortuneswan
mixed/mastered by me
editors notes: i fucking love this song so much, i made it all in one night the same night i got the beat back from fortuneswan and im so proud of it tysm fortuneswan this beat is amazing

lyrics:
i know u like it like that
u love to talk all that trash
but you cant even come to bat
thats just so fake
you love to hit me on the text
and act like u dont rock with that
until i run and bring it back
right in ur face (aaaah)

i dont need someone to believe in
scavenger, im finding shit that u know im keeping
ok im pretty grim, lets get to reaping
rotating thru the seasons, i hate the shit im feeling
i feel just like a deity
dark matter running through my veins (my veins)
i wish i had the decency
to acknowledge the end of my days
i dont need someone to believe in
scavenger, im finding shit that u know im keeping
ok im pretty grim, lets get to reaping
rotating thru the seasons, i hate the shit im feeling

im in my bag, ur in ur buick
i make big claims with receipts to prove it
i look like a model, you look fuckin ruined
bitch i smell like roses, you smell like fuckin sewage
moving slow down the highway (slow down, slow down)
so the memory can get saved (get saved)
and i know u aint like mae (u aint like mae)
can you jus give a little leeway

i know u like it like that
u love to talk all that trash
but you cant even come to bat
thats just so fake
you love to hit me on the text
and act like u dont rock with that
until i run and bring it back
right in ur face (aaaah)

i dont need someone to believe in
scavenger, im finding shit that u know im keeping
ok im pretty grim, lets get to reaping
rotating thru the seasons, i hate the shit im feeling
i feel just like a deity
dark matter running through my veins (my veins)
i wish i had the decency
to acknowledge the end of my days
i dont need someone to believe in
scavenger, im finding shit that u know im keeping
ok im pretty grim, lets get to reaping
rotating thru the seasons, i hate the shit im feeling

darkmatterdeity [p. fortuneswan]

prod. me
mixed/mastered by me
featuring verse from funeral
editors notes: im the first ethical glitchcore artist. almost everything in this is my sound design except for the 808 and some of the little fills which im very proud of :D funeral fucking KILLED this verse too holy shit thank u 2 funeral

lyrics:
[phixel]
dont u even try to talk me
you just lie, cant u just fuckin be honest please
acting up but irl youre not gon come for me
knives in my back and glass shards in my feet (glass shards in my)
dont u even try to talk- talk- 
you just lie, cant u just fuckin be honest please
acting up but irl youre not gon come for me
knives in my back and glass shards in my feet

[funeral]
glass shards in my eyes yeah
i'm ok it feels fine yeah
i ain't felt this alive yeah
i was you, i'd rather die yeah

hush, go to sleep
i would think twice
bout thinking bout twice
before you come talking to me

big benz, ima die or i ride
big guns, i make him unalive
no friends, you a loner inside  
no friends, you a loner inside

bitch ima demon

[phixel]
dont u even try to talk me
you just lie, cant u just fuckin be honest please
acting up but irl youre not gon come for me
knives in my back and glass shards in my feet (glass shards in my)
dont u even try to talk- talk- 
you just lie, cant u just fuckin be honest please
acting up but irl youre not gon come for me
knives in my back and glass shards in my feet

misplaced flora

glass

bandcamp!!!!

glass w/ funeral

produced by phixel
mixed/mastered by phixel
backing vocals by maeEXO
sample: https://soundcloud.com/snowblowerr/hillcore

notes: first song in two months! so very excited :D this is definitely one of my best songs, and its a long time in the making :) i started making this in june, and finished it around mid-august when i added maeEXOs vocals at the end of the song. some inspirations for this song include porter robinson, jane remover, blackwinterwells, and tons of others ^^ enjoy

lyrics:
i dont wanna die, i got so much to do
i promise i'll try, try out something new
don't wanna be scared of the whole wide world
scared to get my throat slit, scared to watch it unfold
(no one, there is no one)
(no one, there is no one)
(no one, there is no one)
(no one, there is no one)

[maeEXO: there is no one]

i feel like that baby bird that you saw dying on the ground
trying to scream and trying to cry but i can't do it out loud
and your friends all lied and told you i'd be worse if you helped
'well, the maggots got to eat too" is what you told yourself

tell me what you were thinking
have you no empathy? not a drop, not an inkling
if you wanna seem nice don't act like you hate me
it's really not difficult to see things and say things (say things)
tell me honestly, did you even feel a bit of pity on me
when you looked down at the ground and you saw me
i was vulnerable and i was sobbing

(no one, there is no one)
(no one, there is no one)
(no one, there is no one)
(no one, there is no one)

[maeEXO: no one, there is no one, no one, there is no one here]

the maggots need to eat too - Single

the maggots need to eat too

tmntet on all services

///// notes /////

this is my longest song under phixel so far, and im really proud of it. throughout the production of clearer skies, i used many pieces of artificial intelligence such as gansynth, vqgan+clip, gpt-3, and of course, maeexo, an artificial singer trained on recordings of my voice. im so excited that you guys finally get to hear this song, and i hope you enjoy it <3

///// credits /////

produced by phixel
written by gpt-3 + phixel
backing vocals by maeexo + iris day + jestrr
additional production by gansynth

///// lyrics /////

[phixel]
(okay, 5 over 4, its gonna be fun its gonna be a lil experiment we're gonna try it out)
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 , 10!)

i just wanna see the sky
to feel the wind in my hair
ill just wait and pass the time
until i see clearer skies
i just wanna see the sky
to feel the wind in my hair
i know there's something there
up in the sky

dont you just wanna go up there and see
what could be there?
it could be just like when we were teens
when we weren't scared

[phixel + jestrr - in unison]
i just wanna see the sky
to feel the wind in my hair
ill just wait and pass the time
until i see clearer skies
i just wanna see the sky
to feel the wind in my hair
i know there's something there
up in the sky

/ little piano solo over conversation between me and iris day /

[maeexo + phixel]
M: I always think about the times we had
those memories will never die
i cherish them as years have passed
i think about them all the time
P: and when the darkness sets in
and we're left with all this sin
and now it's time to tell them
we know they're listening
M: i don't know what you're thinking (yeah, yeah)
i might be a bit timid
P: (haaaah) but i don't know what you're looking for
for, for

[phixel]
i just want to see the sky
to feel the wind in my hair
(to feel the wind in my hair)
(to feeeeel)

/ saw lead + some more instrumental /

[phixel]
oh is it so hard to be decent
you let yourself get away
ooh, you went and seized your big day
was it worth it at all?
i wish i could see the sky
in a much different light
when i look around at night
i see no stars 

[maeexo + phixel - in unison]
i just wanna see the sky
to feel the wind in my hair
ill just wait and pass the time
until i see clearer skies
i just wanna see the sky
to feel the wind in my hair
ill just wait and pass the time
until i see clearer skies

clearer skies

produced by me
written by me + taiyoukei
additional vocals by taiyoukei + maeEXO
mixed/mastered by me
notes: this is probably my catchiest song in a while :D i hit a creative block recently and taiyoukei helped me realize my vision with this song, i couldnt have made this without her :) this also has my best outro probably i love this outro so much

lyrics:
shrinking violet, press yourself into the corner of the room
close your eyes and take deep breaths and count to ten and meet your doom
tachycardia, your heart can barely keep moving with you
doesn't being here just make you sick?
[NOTE: taiyoukei wrote this whole verse and did backing vocals on it everyone say thank you]

i think you need to get out
you need to get out of here
cuz theyll only let you down (you let me down)
you know you should hide, they can smell your fear
just get out
you need to get out of here
cuz theyll only let you down (you let me down)
you know you should hide, they can smell your fear

sorry if im quiet, it's just hard to commit, i admit
it's gonna take a while to get used to this
scared to be a passerby, to shoot and to miss, i admit
i'm so scared, i think that i'm losing it

i just can't let go of this nagging feeling
but i just cannot grow without hitting the ceiling

i think you need to get out
you need to get out of here
cuz theyll only let you down (you let me down)
you know you should hide, they can smell your fear
just get out
you need to get out of here
cuz theyll only let you down (you let me down)
you know you should hide, they can smell your fear

you need to get out

NOTES: very long personal song about dysphoria and psychosis

produced by me
with samples from holidaykiss, synthesized through openai jukebox
written by me
mixed/mastered by me

lyrics:
i saw the eyes of god in the moon
they looked at me and right past you
so you didn't catch his eye
and you still claim that it wasn't real
i saw the blood of god in the dunes
the craters give off platinum fumes
from a wound so deep i'd die
and you still claim that it wasn't real

its all plastic
you dont seem to care
this isnt lasting
it breaks, it bends, it tears

(very large instrumental buildup)

I TRIED TO UPHOLD THE TRADITION I SWEAR
YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT HARD? THIS IS MY LOAD TO BEAR
THERES NOTHING FOR TRAITORS
THERES NOTHING FOR ME
ASHAMED OF THE PARASITIC STRANDS I MUST WEAR
THEYRE TAKEN TO BLADE BUT THEY JUST DONT SEEM TO CARE
THERES NOTHING FOR TRAITORS
THERES NOTHING FOR ME

there is nothing

a song about having to confront something that has terrified me for years

/

snakes in the grass im treading on
worrying ill be bitten soon
hope im not the one you're betting on
dont expect me to finish soon

i want to see a star
i want to see it all
these eyes are so frightening, the open pit widening
these walls are my arms, here to catch me when i fall
i want to see a star
i want to see it all

its been a while how you been
didnt think wed meet again
thought id see you at the end
and that's there we would begin
something new has come to light
burning, smoldering with life
deep inside its come to rise
its putting up a fight
i just wanna take a minute
have i started have i finished
god i hope i dont forget this again, again
well you got just what you wanted
all despite how much i fought it
am i just something forgotten again, again, again

i want to see a star
i want to see it all
these eyes are so frightening, the open pit widening
these walls are my arms, here to catch me when i fall
i want to see a star
i want to see it all

i want to see a star
i want to see it all
(inhale)

these walls are my arms
these walls are my arms

i am light
i am god extended
i feel fear
comfort me please

THESE WALLS, ARE MY, AAAAAAAAARMS

these walls are my arms

a song about the time i spend wishing i was just like everyone else

/

i wish that i could feel
breeze blowing on my skin
i wish that i could heal
but the knife goes further in
hopeful tone of voice, but you still dont believe this
make a deal with god cuz you really need this
silence in the night, you dont wanna feel this
im onto you

dont tell me where it hurts because i dont wanna know
if you see the river can you tell me how it flows?
am i doomed to do this all again?
no, i dont wanna see this, i want it to end

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
again, again, i dont have a defense
im cut from the cloth of the sky, heavensent
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
(pull me down, pull me down, pull me down, pull me down)

the skys too bright at night and the moons too red
3:30 on the clock when i go to bed
ill prove that im invincible right here on this ledge
i know ill grow my wings when i fall off of the edge
i hear sweet melodies
youll never make me take my medley
of whites, of reds, of blues, of blacks,
of poison, this is an attack

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
again, again, i dont have a defense
im cut from the cloth of the sky, heavensent
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
(pull me down, pull me down, pull me down, pull me down)

I shave my legs and my arms
Hoping one day I'll be part
Of everything that you take for granted, see 
I'll punch my mirror again
And cut my wrists with the shards
I'm floating, don't want to sink in the granite sea 
Falling apart at the seams
I'm not doing this for me
It drips, it signals a crack to bring a flood 
If it's just like what you think
I'll die alone at nineteen
In a hospital covered in my own blood

Is that so crazy?  God I swear
Just to hear the things I hear
If it is, that still doesn't mean you get to drag me by my hair 
Out of the dream I breathe and wear
If it's fake I still don't care
Because I'd rather be a god of nothing than have this cloudy stare 
I'm not so crazy, can't you see
I don't care about what you think
Either way I guess it's destiny if I breathe or sink 
Can you please not look at me?
Because I am scared of what you'll see
Because I could look like a god or just a girl who scared to breathe

just push me gently to shore, just push me gently to shore

just push me to shore, just push me to shore
the tide will take me home, as it has done before

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
or will i just drown

pushed to shore

prod. me
written, mixed, and mastered by me
violin by aviad
art by my dear friend jackal (@serverxyyz on twitter)

notes: another 5/4 song !! very proud of this one, its much more indicative of what i want to make :) i started making this just before my first show, and finished it a month after that ! thanks to jackal for making the awesome cover for this and aviad for the violin 

lyrics:
tell me something that i didnt know
tell me soon, before my hands turn cold
cuz if the six point star dont lie
youve got to make things right
or i will die without a shred of light
please dont look at me, im scared youll see
every single thing thats wrong with me
cuz if the six point star dont lie
i should be scared of night
or ill die without a shred of sight

bruise my knees
get back up
nothings changed
not enough
bruise my knees
get back up
nothings changed
not enough
cuz the six point star dont lie!

tell me why you cant say anything
in my ignorance, im suffering
because im scared and dont know why
theres something in my thigh
a shard or two of broken glass
am i crazy just for saying so?
reassure me cuz i just dont know
cuz if the suns up in the sky
and the clouds are soaring high
then theres gotta be something that lasts

bruise my knees (the six point star dont lie)
get back up (the six point star dont lie)
nothings changed (the six point star dont lie)
not enough
bruise my knees
get back up
nothings changed
not enough
cuz the six point star dont lie!

ill put on the dress just for you
ill give it away, you cant take it, take it
the air is so thick in this room
ill put on a smile, for the show

whats done is done

six point star in the sky
let me fall, help me fly
open air, lungs so dry
devils kiss, angels cry

(six point star up there, six point star up there
six point star up there, six point star up there) x8

sixpointstar

maephixel.com

a song about mania and delusions

backing vocals by jackalsclaw

/

i fell into a pit
dont know how to get back up again
mud on my face, scrapes on my chin
this feeling wont stop festering
i scratch away my skin
cause i want to know whats under it
my muscles ache, im suffering
i just want to feel comforted

if its my fault, then tell me so
i dont want to do this alone

im a princess, im a bard
im a priestess from afar
i am anything i want when
i tell it to you

i wanna look away
but i just cant seem to close my eyes
your voice is near but phantomized
is it all real or fantasized?

and yet it feels so real
when will it come to fruition?
all i feel is suspicious
of all the opposition

if you dont care, why wont you leave?
did you just want (did you just want, did you just want)
to see me bleed? (to see me bleed?)

im a princess, im a bard
im a priestess from afar
i am anything i want when
i tell it to you

(did you just want)
(to see me bleed)
(to see me bleed)

temperance

a song about trying to recover in a hostile world 

/

broken tattered skin, got cuts and scars along my arms
but its all okay because my skin is smooth now
paint me as a villain just because you dont know me
im so scared to die, what am i supposed to do now?
this body isnt mine, so i cut my skin and cry
ill cover it all up today, who knows what those sleeves hide?
ill give a saddening sigh, and tell myself that lie
that lie that goes "if im not dead, then i must be alright"

i might trip and fall over
i might say im from nowhere
i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want
(i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want)
i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want
(i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want)

i wont look in the mirror cuz the fog will disappear
your voice is what i hear, oh so far and yet so near
and when i see myself, only feel this primal fear
i hear you down the street but i cant see you wipe your tears
when you get power, use it right, or youll lose your life
and your lifes not worth losing
when you walk forward, dont look back, youll lose their respect
but their respects worth losing

oh, im in a hole i cant escape
never alone and never safe
scared of the features on your face
everyday in a different place
oh, i thought bout killing you tonight
i think about it all the time
playing piano, trying to sing
but all you do is pluck the strings

i might trip and fall over
i might say im from nowhere
i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want
(i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want)
i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want
(i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want)

ill make it all feel better
ill do whatever you want
it feels so cold in the summer
and youre always just so blunt

so what? you can say what you want
so what? i dont care what you want
so what? you can say what you want
so what? i dont care what you want

long road nowhere

a song about my roots and the childhood i lost

/

veered into a ditch
theres no coming back from that
hard to find my way
visions in and out of black
is there nothing to look forward to at home?
is there really nothing, nowhere i could go?

im just so imperfect
how was i made from scraps of you?
and my childhoods fading
im just grasping at scraps of youth
i swear im really trying to see the light in this
i wake up not to silence, but to a deafening hiss
the choir is getting louder, they tell me i should quit
they tell me that if im not dead, then im not doing shit
(how was i made)
im just so imperfect
how was i made from scraps of you?
and my childhoods fading
im just grasping at scraps
your words are falling flat, youre fading in the mix
its so hard to forget about this feeling that ive sinned
i think about the time that, he brushed against my skin
and even when he tried to push, the issue didnt fit
(how was i made)

save your breath for another day
save excuses, please
you gave me all that youve got
but now its starting to rot
i cant take it

its not enough, not enough, not enough,
its not enough, not enough, not enough

how was i made from scraps of you?
how was i made from scraps of you?
i didnt get to be,
the girl i wanted to be
how was i made from scraps of you?
how was i made from scraps of you?
its not my fault

scraps of you

a song about the things i wish i could have done

produced, mixed, mastered by phixel
verse by saoirse dream
backing vocals by jackalsclaw

/

[NOTE: english translations will appear in brackets next to catalan lyrics. im still learning the language so im really really sorry for my bad pronunciation and grammar]

(phixel)
em fa mal  [it hurts]
tan malament  [so badly]
com puc escoltar  [how do i hear]
digue'm per què  [tell me why]

no et puc veure  [i cant see you]
a través de l'aire negre  [through this smog]
caurà neu ardent  [fiery snow will fall]
t'enterraré, a la cendra  [i will bury you, in ashes]

et llegiré la ment com un llibre  [i will read your mind like a notebook]
però no ho vull escoltar  [though i dont want to hear it]
encara no ho sé, per què estimes  [i still dont know why you love me]
em desgastaré, afectat  [i will wither away, afflicted]

(saoirse dream)
I still fall asleep in your clothes
Try to struggle out of your rope
Buy into release I’ve imagined
Cling tight to the arms of your ghost
I light matches that I can’t put out
So I burn down bushes outside of your house
And you just watch me
You laugh
Like “what the fuck is wrong with cat?”
You know that I can’t answer that

(phixel)
et llegiré la ment com un llibre  [i will read your mind like a notebook]
però no ho vull escoltar  [though i dont want to hear it]
encara no ho sé, per què estimes  [i still dont know why you love me]
em desgastaré, afectat  [i will wither away, afflicted]

a la cendra, a la cendra, a la cendra  [in ashes, in ashes, in ashes]

[jackalsclaw:]
(i went, i cast you in the fire, i watched you burn, i didnt cry)
(ill tell you everything alright, to get your memory out my mind)

notebook

ALL PLATFORMS!!!

notebook w/ saoirse dream

a song about an event i wish i could forget

/

sorry eyes
look like mine
stay still please
its killing me
i dont wanna have to do this
but i fear that i wont last
am i part of the conclusion
or will i be left in the past

just forget about it
just forget

ill just forget it happened
happier ever after
i dont care, its just all
in the air, somersault
im a wolf in sheeps clothing
just tell me im getting closer

look at me
dont you see
im so tired
lost whats mine
cant you see my eyes are empty
cant you see ive got nothing left
theres something boiling deep within me
but you mightve just put it to rest

just forget about it
just forget

ill just forget it happened
happier ever after
i dont care, its just all
in the air, somersault
im a wolf in sheeps clothing
just tell me im getting closer

something forgotten

a song about hurting myself and a call that affirmed my worst fear

/

sorry god
think i did it again
but im flawed
i dont know why you expect
oh so much
from a girl who’s in a panic
i dont want
you to just tell me im manic

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital

its too much
why do i even try
i dont know
sorry if im always crying
im just so
wrapped up in my aching head
im thinking bout
every single time i said

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital


oh please dont leave me by myself
ill rot forever in this cell/hell
please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital

hospital song

a song about staying with someone who hurt me because he made me scared of the rest of the world

/

i try hard to survive but you make it so hard sometimes
ill give in to the urge, the urge to lay down for a while
ill bleed out somewhere soon, unhappier under the moon
im scared of what ill do when im on my own in my room

so tell me if you think that im pretty before youre gone
and dont be away from the house for too long
in my dreams, youll always be singing that song
and ill be forever your gullible dog

im so scared just to leave, scared of what theyll all do to me
youve been bad in the past, but they must be much worse than you
all i want is to live, its close to a coin toss ill give
rather be in a cast than dead in my grave in a suit

the coals running out and the engines are shutting down
the holes in my body leak fluid im missing now
these walls are so crushing, i just never know what to do
but ill do it all with a smile, its all just for you
im sorry im bleeding so much, it must all be my fault
im your object to have and to hold and i deserve it all
because what i am is disgusting and god says its wrong
so maybe itll all just be fixed if i stay your dog

if i stay your dog, if i stay your dog
if i stay your dog, if i stay your dog

(your dog, if i stay your dog)

produced, written, mixed, mastered by me
cover art by @serverxyzz on twitter

[lyrics]
am i doing this wrong?
i try so hard, but i think i forgot
i bite down til it stops
just to find out you cared about me all along
did i do it all wrong?
maybe the past doesnt influence the future,
so ill let down my guard
maybe its better than how i remember

its all on me now
(maybe its better than how i remember)
its so so warm out
(maybe its better than how i remember)
its all on me now
(maybe its better than how i remember)
its so so warm out
(maybe its better than how i remember)

am i doing this right?
its been so long since i even thought to try
sun is shining so bright
its even better than how i remember

how i remember

produced by me
written/mixed/mastered by me
cover illustration by server (https://serverxyzz.carrd.co)
interpolates jishoumushoku by sasanomaly

[lyrics]
~verse 1~
i like to keep things close to the same
got personal problems adapting to change
i always plan things so far away
but when i get started its far too late
i like pretending i know what to do
like if i really feel at home then itll all come true
i like pretending ive made it on my own
when it could all end with a phone call home

~bridge~
god, its so hard
to juggle all the things that have been handed to me
but i cant stop
ive got to get back up

~chorus~
so im step, step, stepping it up
im catching up in a rush
im always some ways away
from where i wanna end up
step, step up and jump
im reaching up and above
im always running away
when i dont know how to stop
maybe i just need something,
something to keep me down
it feels so lonely when i dip
my head into the clouds
this gravity's too open
sometimes i miss the ground
it feels so weird to kiss the earth
i wanna get right back to
step, step, stepping it up
im catching up in a rush
im always some ways away
from where i wanna end up
step, step up and jump
im reaching up and above
im always running away
when i dont know how to stop
(step, step, step step it up)
im always some ways away
from where i wanna end up
(step, step, step step it up)
im always running away
when i dont know how to stop

~verse 2~
i try to sleep well, but every night
i cant shake the feeling im wasting time
ive gotta sink before i can fly
but im still afloat and i dont know why
maybe its all gonna slow way down,
thats all i can hope for, but i still dont know
i roll with the punches, i live in the now
i take a step forward and i double back

~chorus~
so im step, step, stepping it up
im catching up in a rush
im always some ways away
from where i wanna end up
step, step up and jump
im reaching up and above
im always running away
when i dont know how to stop
maybe i just need something,
something to keep me down
it feels so lonely when i dip
my head into the clouds
this gravity's too open
sometimes i miss the ground
it feels so weird to kiss the earth
i wanna get right back to
step, step, stepping it up
im catching up in a rush
im always some ways away
from where i wanna end up
step, step up and jump
im reaching up and above
im always running away
when i dont know how to stop
(step, step, step step it up)
im always some ways away
from where i wanna end up
(step, step, step step it up)
im always running away
when i dont know how to stop

Steps

prod. taylor morgan
recorded by me
mixed/mastered by me

HTML w/ taylor morgan

prod. deathnotes
recorded by me + wells
mixed/mastered by wells

BLENDER w/ blackwinterwells + deathnotes

prod. goonpack + phixel
who the fuck is luvneim

DAISY w/ goonpack

prod. @pethuman
recorded by me
mixed/mastered by me

ADVERSARIAL w/ pethuman

prod. me
mixed/mastered by me
cover by @/noisemakerbot on twitter, tweaked and edited by me

editors note: this ones a vent song (i know, such a shocker right,,,) i also released with a music video, which is a first for me :D i really enjoyed filming this, i hope i can do something like this again. the download button links to the visuals, but i'll put it here too: https://youtu.be/jhzdRYhf9U0
enjoy the song! 

lyrics:
you say i dont respect you
i respect you highly
you tell me you love
i think that you're lying
got too many feelings
that i've been hiding
you said i don't know you
i said 'okay try me'

and i think that i try
to keep it all in control
and i know, yeah i know
in the end it will all help me grow

you can crash at my place
get back on your feet
hope to see you smile
see the moonlight on your teeth
i wanna make you happy
yeah thats all i wanna see
that glimmer on your face
as you hold hands with me
baby you can crash at my place
get back on your feet
hope to see you smile
see the moonlight on your teeth
i wanna make you happy
yeah thats all i wanna see
that glimmer on your face
as you hold hands with me

and i think that i try
to keep it all in control
and i know, yeah i know
in the end it will all help me grow

AREYOUHUMAN

i miss us

visuals

i miss us (phixel)

prod. me :)
mixed/mastered by me
verses by @realkidcole (We Only Make Hits.) + @xadvoi + @tamazonedout
editors notes; i ate a bag of cvs uno cards and fuckign died   -kid cole

lyrics:

[kid cole]
Yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah (x2)
Ohhh that girl tryna tell me she love me 
Talk down babe and you know that you hurt me
I can sing about you and all the things that you do babe 
Everyday feels the same, I’m rotting in my brain
You’re driving all my pain
Please leave me alone, I wanna go home

[phixel]
i said ouch, that felt bad
please don't hurt me like that
the next day you did it again
when will it end, oh, when will it end
i said ouch, that felt bad
please don't hurt me like that
the next day you did it again
when will it end
i said ouch, that felt bad
please don't hurt me like that
the next day you did it again
when will it end, oh, when will it end
i said ouch, that felt bad
please don't hurt me like that
the next day you did it again
when will it end, when will it end

[xadvoi]
i don't know why i'm so fucking indecisive 
and idk what to do everytime we fighting 
and my eyes are fucking red yeah i need some visine 
yeah you came out of nowhere and u struck me like lighting 
yeah u struck and u kno it fucked me up
and i tell u once again but u never give a fuck
and everytime we argue it feels like u giving up
but u might as well cus i don't kno how to love

[tamazonedout]
cryin on my own, i dont miss that
oh but i miss when youd text back
i hate seeing u all alone
why did u leave me all alone
cryin on the sidewalk
find a way to go on
i jus wanna cry n be alone
no one want me, ill be alone

[phixel]
i said ouch, that felt bad
please don't hurt me like that
the next day you did it again
when will it end, oh, when will it end
i said ouch, that felt bad
please don't hurt me like that
the next day you did it again
when will it end, oh, when will it end

[kid cole]
Ok, driving in the car with my friends they all fake
Only keep a round cuz these bitches got aids
Tired ass hoe in the back of the benz, 
I’m the tired ass hoe in the back of the benz  
I’m tired, I’m angry 
These bitches just be faking 
I’m crying, you make me,
So fucking angry  
Please leave me alone
Please leave me alone
Please leave me alone
Please leave me alone
I’m tired, I’m pissed
I’m tired, I’m pissed
I’m tired, i’m pissed
I’m tired, I’m pissed

[me + kid cole]
we only make hits.
we only make hits.
w e eonuly make  rihts.
I We AONYLT MAKE ASDHIOPT
FJIOSDPY)98w0p[2'CXZVm,nZ&*d6s87ro:":@()%&*@

plsdonthurtme feat. kid cole + xadvoi + tamazonedout (phixel)

prod. me
mixed/mastered by me
editors notes: i am very very fond of this beat, i feel like this is one of my best works production-wise. inspired by holidaykiss, oh also POLYPHONIC BASS GO SCREEEEEEEEE SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

lyrics:
i told you that i wanted u
but u know what u do
you tore my heart to pieces
yeah you tore my heart to two
i tried to tell my friends on you
but they fuck with u too
u know what u do
u know what u do
i told you that i wanted u
but u know what u do
you tore my heart to pieces
yeah you tore my heart to two
i tried to tell my friends on you
but they fuck with u too
u know what u do
u know what u do

she thinks she's a popstar
went 10 over 50 
now she's riding in a cop car
vibing in her room to post malone
no fucking rockstar
she thinks that she's sweet as hell
she thinks that she's all pop tart
she's just rock salt
baby do you feel me
are you there
do you love me
do you care
do you care about me at all
we may be broken but that's not your fault

i told you that i wanted u
but u know what u do
you tore my heart to pieces
yeah you tore my heart to two
i tried to tell my friends on you
but they fuck with u too
u know what u do
u know what u do
i told you that i wanted u
but u know what u do
you tore my heart to pieces
yeah you tore my heart to two
i tried to tell my friends on you
but they fuck with u too
u know what u do
u know what u do

what u do (phixel)

prod. phixel
mixed/mastered by phixel
featuring vocals from : @left-at-london
editors notes: very very VERY cool song featuring a very very VERY cool person named nat. its nat left at london she is on the song thats so cool right 
this was sparked after nat expressed interest in hearing 'who u r' a couple days early, so i sent her the link, and then like a week or two after the song was released i suggested the idea of us making a song together, and she said that would be cool . i sent her a rough version of this beat and she got to work immediately, and eventually after a while this song was finished. beat inspired by kmoes remix of rental

lyrics:
[phixel]
youre so stubborn
i said what i said
you cant get in my bed
am i that stuck in your head
couldve choked
on all the lies i was fed
god i was so misled
if only i had just fled
i had those childishly fresh eyes
and you were trying to be my type
you got me crying out my eyes
you ruined those childishly fresh eyes
i had those childishly fresh eyes
and you were trying to be my type
you got me crying out my eyes
you ruined those childishly fresh eyes

[left at london]
I suppose
We should all
have a toast
to celebrate
Why we’re gathered
Had I been
someone else
who could talk
much less
it wouldn’t have mattered
I know I wronged you (ay)
You know you wronged me too?
I’d like to think you’ve changed
But I don’t have that faith in you
& if you think the same,
Then why the fuck are you listening?
Why the fuck are you listening?
Why the fuck are you listening?

[phixel]
youre so stubborn
i said what i said
you cant get in my bed
am i that stuck in your head
couldve choked
on all the lies i was fed
god i was so misled
if only i had just fled
i had those childishly fresh eyes
and you were trying to be my type
you got me crying out my eyes
you ruined those childishly fresh eyes
i had those childishly fresh eyes
and you were trying to be my type
you got me crying out my eyes
you ruined those childishly fresh eyes

childish w/ left at london

prod. me
mixed/mastered by me + jedwill
soprano vox lead : rosesleeves
verses : rosesleeves + jedwill + button maker
editors notes: this beat had a lot of renovation done to it over a while, i made almost all of these sounds myself including that cool bass :) the melody was mainly inspired by a segment in an old melodic fuckery thing i found on newgrounds i dont remember the name of, and the ending epic pad section was inspired by fka by underscores and i think the riser into it may sample it as well

lyrics:
[phixel]
ouch you're intruding, dont make me lose it
wish i could erase you from my headspace
ouch you're confusing, you're so elusive
wish i could erase you from my headspace
ouch you're intruding, dont make me lose it
wish i could erase you from my headspace
ouch you're confusing, you're so elusive
wish i could erase you from my headspace

[rosesleeves]
i’m so damn gone babe
take a pill to the brain
can’t help feeling lost i
guess i was made this way
it always feels the same
can’t make it go away
it-it-it hurts so bad
and i can’t make it change

[phixel]
ouch you're intruding, dont make me lose it
wish i could erase you from my headspace
ouch you're confusing, you're so elusive
wish i could erase you from my headspace

[jedwill]
Ah

You know that I miss you when I call you lately
I can never talk, I’m confusing, hate me
Why do I avoid your time
Just like I avoid your eyes
But did you catch that you just might miss it
I think about you a lot but I’ve been distant
I’m sorry guess it’s just my loss
You’re precious I should count your cost
I’ve waited long
It’s all so soft
My heart was locked
You make me calm

[button maker]
Ooh I'm lost in my own headspace
(Can't help but feel like I'm losing control) 
Ooh, Always last in the race
(I've waited so many, so many lifetimes)
And I know it may never be my time
(It's so confusing, like, headache inducing)
Ooh,  even though it's always the same
(I wouldn't have it any other way)

[phixel]
ouch you're intruding, dont make me lose it
wish i could erase you from my headspace
ouch you're confusing, you're so elusive
wish i could erase you from my headspace
ouch you're intruding, dont make me lose it
wish i could erase you from my headspace
ouch you're confusing, you're so elusive
wish i could erase you from my headspace

[rosesleeves]
i’m so damn gone babe
take a pill to the brain
can’t help feeling lost i
guess i was made this way
it always feels the same
can’t make it go away
it-it-it hurts so bad
and i can’t make it change

[phixel]
ouch you're intruding, dont make me lose it
wish i could erase you from my headspace
ouch you're confusing, you're so elusive
wish i could erase you from my headspace

headspace w/ rosesleeves + jedwill + button maker

prod. phixel
lead guitar sample : dynastic
mixed/mastered by phixel

editors notes: this one has a LOT of lunamatic inspiration, specifically from their song on the ballsgiving collective album which i love so much :0 this uses a guitar sample that dynastic originally sent as a wip song in the gendergrind server, but she let me use it for this which is good and cool
theres a lot of other cool factoids about this song too;
1.) this song has my favorite lyrics on the album, my favorite lines are capitalized below
2.) i recorded this when my snowball was broken, so i used a shitty karaoke microphone from 2015 to record this, which kinda worked apparently
3.) mosts sounds in this besides the main guitar sample was made by me, i didnt use a lot of outside kits for this
ok thats it enjoy this song

lyrics:
i am just so inconsolable
lying thru your teeth to all your friends, they gullible
and i wish you werent so horrible
you are never ever welcome thru my door at all
YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WITH UR LIFE!!!
OVERSHARING TRAUMA ON TWITTER LIKE ALL THE TIME
whens the last time that you went outside
its the perfect day to get up to some real crime

think outside the trap box, start to get some clarity
this isnt a matchbox, this is a mercedes
rig the place with cherry bombs, blow this joint to hades
be the sweet n be the sour, be the lemonade see
think outside the trap box, start to get some clarity
this isnt a matchbox, this is a mercedes
rig the place with cherry bombs, blow this joint to hades
be the sweet n be the sour, be the lemonade see

arent you tired of making beep boops on your spare time?
makin hyperpop "music" that barely even rhymes
arent u tired of making that bird app your whole life?
tellin kids to get some bands but u dont have a dime!!!
TAKE THAT CHAIN EMOJI OUT UR NAME, UR FAR FROM EVIL
U POST FEMBOY PICS WITH CAPTIONS LIKE 'MY GOD I NEED HIM'
AND UR WONDERING WHY UR STILL SINGLE?
TALKIN HUMBLE BUT U STARVE FOR DRAMA, YEA UR SEE-THROUGH

think outside the trap box, start to get some clarity
this isnt a matchbox, this is a mercedes
rig the place with cherry bombs, blow this joint to hades
be the sweet n be the sour, be the lemonade see
think outside the trap box, start to get some clarity
this isnt a matchbox, this is a mercedes
rig the place with cherry bombs, blow this joint to hades
be the sweet n be the sour, be the lemonade see

theres a whole world out there
and its ready to destroy but u dont even care
its a whole world out there 
but u just dont seem to wanna get up out your chair

think outside the trap box, start to get some clarity
this isnt a matchbox, this is a mercedes
rig the place with cherry bombs, blow this joint to hades
be the sweet n be the sour, be the lemonade see
think outside the trap box, start to get some clarity
this isnt a matchbox, this is a mercedes
rig the place with cherry bombs, blow this joint to hades
be the sweet n be the sour, be the lemonade see
*various vocal glitches im not gonna transcribe lol i just slapped portal on it*

lemonade

prod. me
mixed/mastered by me
editors notes: this is the second song ive made sampling this pad, the other one being a scrapped lisa adiso song . this was originally another song entirely, but i didnt like the results so i extracted the vocals and made a remix of that original of sorts, which ended up being my first successful dnb song :D this is inspired by rosesleeves n girl 22 so thank both of them

lyrics:
when you go to sleep
i hope you think of me
please dont leave me be
i can see your face clearly
when i go to sleep
i never get sweet dreams
what you did to me
gave me some clarity

yeah i live in your head
but i live without a lease
cuz i do it rent free
what you know about me
i can feel it in the grass 
i can feel in the trees
you dont care about me
got a mess i need to clean

you got a ride to catch, i aint got a future
ill kill a cop, kill a pig, kill a blue shirt
old mess cleaned up got some new dirt
staring down a barrel saying hon do your worst
but at least i stole your sweatshirt
hope you get a couple chills in this weather
maybe then ill feel a little bit better
move on dont let the old thoughts fester

when you go to sleep
i hope you think of me
please dont leave me be
i can see your face clearly
when i go to sleep
i never get sweet dreams
what you did to me
gave me some clarity

clarity

prod. cmten
mixed/mastered by me
verses by kid cole + iris day
editors notes: this song came around after me and cmten did a beat trade, he sent me this beat in return for a beat of mine :) thank u to iris bestie and cole bestie for doing verses on this ily both

lyrics:
[phixel]
i dont care ab the rhetoric
i been lost in the sauce, in my element
ur so aaaaaa irrelevant
talking shit before ur dead
thats hella mint
yea i hope u fucks get buried in obscurity
up n poppin now but not much in futurity
u shld know ur place in this world
the way u dnt just makes my skin boil

deities, deities
im a false god dnt pray to me
feel me feel me
can u open ur eyes 2 the real me
can u feel the breeze thru the trees
pls tell me u hear me
i been missing a blue sky terribly
n the worlds gone to tyranny
aint always been fortunate
always in the wrong place n at the wrong time
just cant ever seem to stay in line
paint a portrait of all of my insecurities that make me cry
paint a bloodied sky

[kid cole]
I hate when rappers go mothafuckin’ hollywood 
Think I’m doing better, like i’m mothafuckin’ dollywood 
Dopamine levels are falling up and down
And I really wanna kill myself, see my smile to a frown
Cmten on the beat and Phixel on the open
Pop a couple rounds and your skull is fucking broken
You be talking down and I’m thinking that you love me
(Wait HOLD ON BRO)
Are you tryna be my groupie?

[iris day]
its a rat race , why'd u look @ me w/ dat face
i didnt mean 2 make u sad in the first place
i didnt mean 2 flash back 2 our first date
another teenage affair out in cyberspace
i hope u fucking know i wish u fucking rotted
everything u gave to her b4 i was forgotten
all those little things u said u never fucking wanted
all the stupid shit u said i told me i was toxic

[phixel]
deities, deities
im a false god dnt pray to me
feel me feel me
can u open ur eyes 2 the real me
can u feel the breeze thru the trees
pls tell me u hear me
i been missing a blue sky terribly
n the worlds gone to tyranny
aint always been fortunate
always in the wrong place n at the wrong time
just cant ever seem to stay in line
paint a portrait of all of my insecurities that make me cry
paint a bloodied sky

portraits w/ kid cole + iris day [p. cmten]

“Steps" out NOW

mgmt: lipglossmgmt@gmail.com
priestess of light and healing

phixel

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