BUY ON ALL PLATFORMS: https://maephixel.com/#latest

all tracks produced, mixed, and mastered by phixel
backing vocals on track 1 and 5 by jackalsclaw
vocals on track 5 by saoirse dream

photography and design by cleo mckenzie
additional creative direction by louis nguyen
distributed by lipglossparty

created from august 2022 - september 2023

this is an album about the worst few years of my life. its about being trans, being mentally ill, and taking those into account when considering my place in the world. its about being hurt by someone i loved, and about coming to terms with how that affected me. years of going through it, and years of recovery. i hope, despite my words being intertwined with those painful memories, that you can enjoy what came of it.

thank you to cleo, louie, delta, mela, and jackal for helping immensely with creating and releasing this project

cw for themes of self harm, suicide, and abuse across the project

IN DUST AND ROT

a song about having to confront something that has terrified me for years

/

snakes in the grass im treading on
worrying ill be bitten soon
hope im not the one you're betting on
dont expect me to finish soon

i want to see a star
i want to see it all
these eyes are so frightening, the open pit widening
these walls are my arms, here to catch me when i fall
i want to see a star
i want to see it all

its been a while how you been
didnt think wed meet again
thought id see you at the end
and that's there we would begin
something new has come to light
burning, smoldering with life
deep inside its come to rise
its putting up a fight
i just wanna take a minute
have i started have i finished
god i hope i dont forget this again, again
well you got just what you wanted
all despite how much i fought it
am i just something forgotten again, again, again

i want to see a star
i want to see it all
these eyes are so frightening, the open pit widening
these walls are my arms, here to catch me when i fall
i want to see a star
i want to see it all

i want to see a star
i want to see it all
(inhale)

these walls are my arms
these walls are my arms

i am light
i am god extended
i feel fear
comfort me please

THESE WALLS, ARE MY, AAAAAAAAARMS

these walls are my arms

a song about the time i spend wishing i was just like everyone else

/

i wish that i could feel
breeze blowing on my skin
i wish that i could heal
but the knife goes further in
hopeful tone of voice, but you still dont believe this
make a deal with god cuz you really need this
silence in the night, you dont wanna feel this
im onto you

dont tell me where it hurts because i dont wanna know
if you see the river can you tell me how it flows?
am i doomed to do this all again?
no, i dont wanna see this, i want it to end

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
again, again, i dont have a defense
im cut from the cloth of the sky, heavensent
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
(pull me down, pull me down, pull me down, pull me down)

the skys too bright at night and the moons too red
3:30 on the clock when i go to bed
ill prove that im invincible right here on this ledge
i know ill grow my wings when i fall off of the edge
i hear sweet melodies
youll never make me take my medley
of whites, of reds, of blues, of blacks,
of poison, this is an attack

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
again, again, i dont have a defense
im cut from the cloth of the sky, heavensent
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
(pull me down, pull me down, pull me down, pull me down)

I shave my legs and my arms
Hoping one day I'll be part
Of everything that you take for granted, see 
I'll punch my mirror again
And cut my wrists with the shards
I'm floating, don't want to sink in the granite sea 
Falling apart at the seams
I'm not doing this for me
It drips, it signals a crack to bring a flood 
If it's just like what you think
I'll die alone at nineteen
In a hospital covered in my own blood

Is that so crazy?  God I swear
Just to hear the things I hear
If it is, that still doesn't mean you get to drag me by my hair 
Out of the dream I breathe and wear
If it's fake I still don't care
Because I'd rather be a god of nothing than have this cloudy stare 
I'm not so crazy, can't you see
I don't care about what you think
Either way I guess it's destiny if I breathe or sink 
Can you please not look at me?
Because I am scared of what you'll see
Because I could look like a god or just a girl who scared to breathe

just push me gently to shore, just push me gently to shore

just push me to shore, just push me to shore
the tide will take me home, as it has done before

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
or will i just drown

pushed to shore

a song about mania and delusions

backing vocals by jackalsclaw

/

i fell into a pit
dont know how to get back up again
mud on my face, scrapes on my chin
this feeling wont stop festering
i scratch away my skin
cause i want to know whats under it
my muscles ache, im suffering
i just want to feel comforted

if its my fault, then tell me so
i dont want to do this alone

im a princess, im a bard
im a priestess from afar
i am anything i want when
i tell it to you

i wanna look away
but i just cant seem to close my eyes
your voice is near but phantomized
is it all real or fantasized?

and yet it feels so real
when will it come to fruition?
all i feel is suspicious
of all the opposition

if you dont care, why wont you leave?
did you just want (did you just want, did you just want)
to see me bleed? (to see me bleed?)

im a princess, im a bard
im a priestess from afar
i am anything i want when
i tell it to you

(did you just want)
(to see me bleed)
(to see me bleed)

temperance

a song about trying to recover in a hostile world 

/

broken tattered skin, got cuts and scars along my arms
but its all okay because my skin is smooth now
paint me as a villain just because you dont know me
im so scared to die, what am i supposed to do now?
this body isnt mine, so i cut my skin and cry
ill cover it all up today, who knows what those sleeves hide?
ill give a saddening sigh, and tell myself that lie
that lie that goes "if im not dead, then i must be alright"

i might trip and fall over
i might say im from nowhere
i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want
(i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want)
i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want
(i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want)

i wont look in the mirror cuz the fog will disappear
your voice is what i hear, oh so far and yet so near
and when i see myself, only feel this primal fear
i hear you down the street but i cant see you wipe your tears
when you get power, use it right, or youll lose your life
and your lifes not worth losing
when you walk forward, dont look back, youll lose their respect
but their respects worth losing

oh, im in a hole i cant escape
never alone and never safe
scared of the features on your face
everyday in a different place
oh, i thought bout killing you tonight
i think about it all the time
playing piano, trying to sing
but all you do is pluck the strings

i might trip and fall over
i might say im from nowhere
i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want
(i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want)
i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want
(i dont care anymore, tell yourself whatever you want)

ill make it all feel better
ill do whatever you want
it feels so cold in the summer
and youre always just so blunt

so what? you can say what you want
so what? i dont care what you want
so what? you can say what you want
so what? i dont care what you want

long road nowhere

a song about my roots and the childhood i lost

/

veered into a ditch
theres no coming back from that
hard to find my way
visions in and out of black
is there nothing to look forward to at home?
is there really nothing, nowhere i could go?

im just so imperfect
how was i made from scraps of you?
and my childhoods fading
im just grasping at scraps of youth
i swear im really trying to see the light in this
i wake up not to silence, but to a deafening hiss
the choir is getting louder, they tell me i should quit
they tell me that if im not dead, then im not doing shit
(how was i made)
im just so imperfect
how was i made from scraps of you?
and my childhoods fading
im just grasping at scraps
your words are falling flat, youre fading in the mix
its so hard to forget about this feeling that ive sinned
i think about the time that, he brushed against my skin
and even when he tried to push, the issue didnt fit
(how was i made)

save your breath for another day
save excuses, please
you gave me all that youve got
but now its starting to rot
i cant take it

its not enough, not enough, not enough,
its not enough, not enough, not enough

how was i made from scraps of you?
how was i made from scraps of you?
i didnt get to be,
the girl i wanted to be
how was i made from scraps of you?
how was i made from scraps of you?
its not my fault

scraps of you

a song about the things i wish i could have done

produced, mixed, mastered by phixel
verse by saoirse dream
backing vocals by jackalsclaw

/

[NOTE: english translations will appear in brackets next to catalan lyrics. im still learning the language so im really really sorry for my bad pronunciation and grammar]

(phixel)
em fa mal  [it hurts]
tan malament  [so badly]
com puc escoltar  [how do i hear]
digue'm per què  [tell me why]

no et puc veure  [i cant see you]
a través de l'aire negre  [through this smog]
caurà neu ardent  [fiery snow will fall]
t'enterraré, a la cendra  [i will bury you, in ashes]

et llegiré la ment com un llibre  [i will read your mind like a notebook]
però no ho vull escoltar  [though i dont want to hear it]
encara no ho sé, per què estimes  [i still dont know why you love me]
em desgastaré, afectat  [i will wither away, afflicted]

(saoirse dream)
I still fall asleep in your clothes
Try to struggle out of your rope
Buy into release I’ve imagined
Cling tight to the arms of your ghost
I light matches that I can’t put out
So I burn down bushes outside of your house
And you just watch me
You laugh
Like “what the fuck is wrong with cat?”
You know that I can’t answer that

(phixel)
et llegiré la ment com un llibre  [i will read your mind like a notebook]
però no ho vull escoltar  [though i dont want to hear it]
encara no ho sé, per què estimes  [i still dont know why you love me]
em desgastaré, afectat  [i will wither away, afflicted]

a la cendra, a la cendra, a la cendra  [in ashes, in ashes, in ashes]

[jackalsclaw:]
(i went, i cast you in the fire, i watched you burn, i didnt cry)
(ill tell you everything alright, to get your memory out my mind)

notebook

ALL PLATFORMS!!!

notebook w/ saoirse dream

a song about an event i wish i could forget

/

sorry eyes
look like mine
stay still please
its killing me
i dont wanna have to do this
but i fear that i wont last
am i part of the conclusion
or will i be left in the past

just forget about it
just forget

ill just forget it happened
happier ever after
i dont care, its just all
in the air, somersault
im a wolf in sheeps clothing
just tell me im getting closer

look at me
dont you see
im so tired
lost whats mine
cant you see my eyes are empty
cant you see ive got nothing left
theres something boiling deep within me
but you mightve just put it to rest

just forget about it
just forget

ill just forget it happened
happier ever after
i dont care, its just all
in the air, somersault
im a wolf in sheeps clothing
just tell me im getting closer

something forgotten

a song about hurting myself and a call that affirmed my worst fear

/

sorry god
think i did it again
but im flawed
i dont know why you expect
oh so much
from a girl who’s in a panic
i dont want
you to just tell me im manic

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital

its too much
why do i even try
i dont know
sorry if im always crying
im just so
wrapped up in my aching head
im thinking bout
every single time i said

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital


oh please dont leave me by myself
ill rot forever in this cell/hell
please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital

hospital song

a song about staying with someone who hurt me because he made me scared of the rest of the world

/

i try hard to survive but you make it so hard sometimes
ill give in to the urge, the urge to lay down for a while
ill bleed out somewhere soon, unhappier under the moon
im scared of what ill do when im on my own in my room

so tell me if you think that im pretty before youre gone
and dont be away from the house for too long
in my dreams, youll always be singing that song
and ill be forever your gullible dog

im so scared just to leave, scared of what theyll all do to me
youve been bad in the past, but they must be much worse than you
all i want is to live, its close to a coin toss ill give
rather be in a cast than dead in my grave in a suit

the coals running out and the engines are shutting down
the holes in my body leak fluid im missing now
these walls are so crushing, i just never know what to do
but ill do it all with a smile, its all just for you
im sorry im bleeding so much, it must all be my fault
im your object to have and to hold and i deserve it all
because what i am is disgusting and god says its wrong
so maybe itll all just be fixed if i stay your dog

if i stay your dog, if i stay your dog
if i stay your dog, if i stay your dog

(your dog, if i stay your dog)

“IN DUST AND ROT” out now

mgmt: lipglossmgmt@gmail.com
priestess of light and healing