BUY ON ALL PLATFORMS: https://maephixel.com/#latest

all tracks produced, mixed, and mastered by phixel
backing vocals on track 1 and 5 by jackalsclaw
vocals on track 5 by saoirse dream

photography and design by cleo mckenzie
additional creative direction by louis nguyen
distributed by lipglossparty

created from august 2022 - september 2023

this is an album about the worst few years of my life. its about being trans, being mentally ill, and taking those into account when considering my place in the world. its about being hurt by someone i loved, and about coming to terms with how that affected me. years of going through it, and years of recovery. i hope, despite my words being intertwined with those painful memories, that you can enjoy what came of it.

thank you to cleo, louie, delta, mela, and jackal for helping immensely with creating and releasing this project

cw for themes of self harm, suicide, and abuse across the project

IN DUST AND ROT

a little gift i guess. i love yall. all of these songs r either unreleased or just unfinished ideas i will probably never finish.

DISTURBIA

a song about the time i spend wishing i was just like everyone else

/

i wish that i could feel
breeze blowing on my skin
i wish that i could heal
but the knife goes further in
hopeful tone of voice, but you still dont believe this
make a deal with god cuz you really need this
silence in the night, you dont wanna feel this
im onto you

dont tell me where it hurts because i dont wanna know
if you see the river can you tell me how it flows?
am i doomed to do this all again?
no, i dont wanna see this, i want it to end

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
again, again, i dont have a defense
im cut from the cloth of the sky, heavensent
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
(pull me down, pull me down, pull me down, pull me down)

the skys too bright at night and the moons too red
3:30 on the clock when i go to bed
ill prove that im invincible right here on this ledge
i know ill grow my wings when i fall off of the edge
i hear sweet melodies
youll never make me take my medley
of whites, of reds, of blues, of blacks,
of poison, this is an attack

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
again, again, i dont have a defense
im cut from the cloth of the sky, heavensent
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
(pull me down, pull me down, pull me down, pull me down)

I shave my legs and my arms
Hoping one day I'll be part
Of everything that you take for granted, see 
I'll punch my mirror again
And cut my wrists with the shards
I'm floating, don't want to sink in the granite sea 
Falling apart at the seams
I'm not doing this for me
It drips, it signals a crack to bring a flood 
If it's just like what you think
I'll die alone at nineteen
In a hospital covered in my own blood

Is that so crazy?  God I swear
Just to hear the things I hear
If it is, that still doesn't mean you get to drag me by my hair 
Out of the dream I breathe and wear
If it's fake I still don't care
Because I'd rather be a god of nothing than have this cloudy stare 
I'm not so crazy, can't you see
I don't care about what you think
Either way I guess it's destiny if I breathe or sink 
Can you please not look at me?
Because I am scared of what you'll see
Because I could look like a god or just a girl who scared to breathe

just push me gently to shore, just push me gently to shore

just push me to shore, just push me to shore
the tide will take me home, as it has done before

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
or will i just drown

pushed to shore

a song about mania and delusions

backing vocals by jackalsclaw

/

i fell into a pit
dont know how to get back up again
mud on my face, scrapes on my chin
this feeling wont stop festering
i scratch away my skin
cause i want to know whats under it
my muscles ache, im suffering
i just want to feel comforted

if its my fault, then tell me so
i dont want to do this alone

im a princess, im a bard
im a priestess from afar
i am anything i want when
i tell it to you

i wanna look away
but i just cant seem to close my eyes
your voice is near but phantomized
is it all real or fantasized?

and yet it feels so real
when will it come to fruition?
all i feel is suspicious
of all the opposition

if you dont care, why wont you leave?
did you just want (did you just want, did you just want)
to see me bleed? (to see me bleed?)

im a princess, im a bard
im a priestess from afar
i am anything i want when
i tell it to you

(did you just want)
(to see me bleed)
(to see me bleed)

temperance

a song about the things i wish i could have done

produced, mixed, mastered by phixel
verse by saoirse dream
backing vocals by jackalsclaw

/

[NOTE: english translations will appear in brackets next to catalan lyrics. im still learning the language so im really really sorry for my bad pronunciation and grammar]

(phixel)
em fa mal  [it hurts]
tan malament  [so badly]
com puc escoltar  [how do i hear]
digue'm per què  [tell me why]

no et puc veure  [i cant see you]
a través de l'aire negre  [through this smog]
caurà neu ardent  [fiery snow will fall]
t'enterraré, a la cendra  [i will bury you, in ashes]

et llegiré la ment com un llibre  [i will read your mind like a notebook]
però no ho vull escoltar  [though i dont want to hear it]
encara no ho sé, per què estimes  [i still dont know why you love me]
em desgastaré, afectat  [i will wither away, afflicted]

(saoirse dream)
I still fall asleep in your clothes
Try to struggle out of your rope
Buy into release I’ve imagined
Cling tight to the arms of your ghost
I light matches that I can’t put out
So I burn down bushes outside of your house
And you just watch me
You laugh
Like “what the fuck is wrong with cat?”
You know that I can’t answer that

(phixel)
et llegiré la ment com un llibre  [i will read your mind like a notebook]
però no ho vull escoltar  [though i dont want to hear it]
encara no ho sé, per què estimes  [i still dont know why you love me]
em desgastaré, afectat  [i will wither away, afflicted]

a la cendra, a la cendra, a la cendra  [in ashes, in ashes, in ashes]

[jackalsclaw:]
(i went, i cast you in the fire, i watched you burn, i didnt cry)
(ill tell you everything alright, to get your memory out my mind)

notebook

ALL PLATFORMS!!!

notebook w/ saoirse dream

a song about an event i wish i could forget

/

sorry eyes
look like mine
stay still please
its killing me
i dont wanna have to do this
but i fear that i wont last
am i part of the conclusion
or will i be left in the past

just forget about it
just forget

ill just forget it happened
happier ever after
i dont care, its just all
in the air, somersault
im a wolf in sheeps clothing
just tell me im getting closer

look at me
dont you see
im so tired
lost whats mine
cant you see my eyes are empty
cant you see ive got nothing left
theres something boiling deep within me
but you mightve just put it to rest

just forget about it
just forget

ill just forget it happened
happier ever after
i dont care, its just all
in the air, somersault
im a wolf in sheeps clothing
just tell me im getting closer

something forgotten

a song about hurting myself and a call that affirmed my worst fear

/

sorry god
think i did it again
but im flawed
i dont know why you expect
oh so much
from a girl who’s in a panic
i dont want
you to just tell me im manic

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital

its too much
why do i even try
i dont know
sorry if im always crying
im just so
wrapped up in my aching head
im thinking bout
every single time i said

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital


oh please dont leave me by myself
ill rot forever in this cell/hell
please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital

hospital song

Simple Beat Catch Groove

(prod. heydium)
ig i was sad a year ago

(CHORUS)
I cant 
fake it anymore 
i just wanna die
talk to you next time

(VERSE)
i dont know
cant you see?
that i
never forgot what you did to me
you broke my hearth to a million piece
cant say it back
cant take you back
cause i dont love you anymore
biggest lie ive ever said

(CHORUS)
I cant 
fake it anymore 
i just wanna die
talk to you next time

talk to you next time demo

does the skin i wear define me? out now everywhere

prod by: cultclassic, JesseMelancholy, @macey-official
co-prod: JesseMelancholy
written by: Jesse James Pontt
additional background vocals: @macey-official
mixed by: JesseMelancholy
mastered by: @xenura

Lyrics👇🏼

blisters on my feet, i’ll walk a little longer
all the things i’d be if I was a little stronger
thought I wouldn’t run this time, but I did and it’s fine, i’ll just close my eyes again
finding my way back home, inebriated, I felt my size again

everybody’s got the things I want, they’re not concerned with what I need
I thought that I had something to say, but it’s probably best to keep it to me

(so I keep it to me)

I long to find joy in the smaller things, the air, my hair, my bedroom walls
it all exists in front of me and yet I feel so uninvolved
a phone screen whispers everything, my frail frame’s an accessory
I spread myself out too thin, it won’t change the trajectory 

everybody’s got the things I want, they’re not concerned with what I need
I thought that I had something to say, but it’s probably best to keep it to me

everybody’s got the things I want, they’re not concerned with what I need
I thought that I had something to say, but it’s probably best to keep it to me

(fuck)
(it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts)
(fuck)

i’ll walk, i’ll walk, i’ll walk, it hurts
i’ll walk, i’ll walk, i’ll walk, it hurts
i’ll walk, i’ll walk, i’ll walk, it hurts
i’ll walk, i’ll walk but fuck me, it just doesn’t stop

linktr.ee/JesseMelancholy

does the skin i wear define me?

blisters

it never ends

Original Song by @micotoronto
https://soundcloud.com/micotoronto/better?in=micotoronto/sets/theafterparty

Discord Server: discord.gg/sVEY9JZW8t
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open.spotify.com/artist/7wj1qkbnw5xhAOukljhbYK
www.instagram.com/officialmeanty/
twitter.com/OfficialMeanty
www.tiktok.com/@officialmeanty

Lyrics:
You gotta settle down
Feel your breathing start to shake up
Just gotta hear me out
No, it doesn't have to be your fault, oh

You try to tell me I'm the broken one
When you're the only one
Feeling like you're not enough
I know my issues feel like they're your exit door
They make you insecure
But you're not what they're looking for

So baby, shut up
Don't wanna talk about it, don't wanna let it out
I know it's too much to handle, know you just want it to stop
Don't wanna complicate it, don't wanna let you down
You think I'm better
So I'll just pretend I'm better now

(You think I'm better, so I)
(I say I'm better now)
(You think I'm better, so I)
(I say I'm better now)

Better Cover

i might get fed up with being lonely some times
but i'm never fed up with you
i might be angry at our dumb mistakes
but i'm never angry with you, darling

our skeletons will one day turn to dust
and we'll be remembered as the lovers
who managed spend a life time
smiling dumbly at each other
our graves will most likely be side by side
yours will have a lot more flowers than mine
on your tombstone it'll read
"here lies perfection; rest in piece"

i might get fed up with being lonely some times
but i'm never fed up with you
i might be angry at our dumb mistakes
but i'm never angry with you, darling

the notes we wrote each other will decompose
in trash heaps out side of giant cities
along with every single instrument i'll buy
ain't it such a pity?
i'm terrified of being afraid
and i'm tired of fucking dealing with it
so i'm sorry if i ever seem mad at you
just tell yourself "he really isn't"

i might get fed up with being lonely some times
but i'm never fed up with you
i might be angry at our dumb mistakes
but i'm never angry with you, darling

i might get fed up with being lonely some times
but i'm never fed up with you
i might be angry at our dumb mistakes
but i'm never angry with you, darling

fed up

skunx shi - https://soundcloud.com/skxxzz

tsul on spotify

alive w skunx

also on spotify/apple music/etc.

wake up start your routine
come home and go to sleep
keep those thoughts from your head
keep calm and smile instead

don’t look now your time is gone
did it take that long?

sorry it’s too late
we already know your fate
you will be like the rest
but stay strong and try your best

don’t look now your time is gone
did it take that long?

don't look now

prod. @meuhh

[nostalgia and happy place noises]

what time is it...?
midnight...?

i'm wide awake
rub the sleep out my eyes
start my day
day
day
can't feel my face
every nerve frozen
into its place
place
place
and i wish i slept here a bit, but it's too late
young and i'm restless, give fuck bout what you say
can't wait to leave here, i'll pack up my suitcase
tied up too long on my feet like a shoelace

all along
i thought i was
all alone
can you
call my phone
can you
tell me it's okay
tell me i'm okay

all along
i know that i'm
all alone
you can't
call my phone
you can't
tell me it's okay
BITCH I'M NOT
okay.

*very cool laugh :>*

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOUR GHOST
WHILE YOU WERE RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE
FELL OUT MY HANDS, SO IT'S MY FAULT
NOW I'M SO COLD WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS
I CANNOT STAND WHO I'VE BECOME
TALKIN TO GOD, WHERE'S MY REFUND
STUCK IN MY WAYS LIKE A RERUN
HOPE IT GETS BETTER NEXT SEASON

in love with ur ghost (p. meuh)

“Steps" out NOW

mgmt: lipglossmgmt@gmail.com
priestess of light and healing

temperance

phixel

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