BUY ON ALL PLATFORMS: https://maephixel.com/#latest

all tracks produced, mixed, and mastered by phixel
backing vocals on track 1 and 5 by jackalsclaw
vocals on track 5 by saoirse dream

photography and design by cleo mckenzie
additional creative direction by louis nguyen
distributed by lipglossparty

created from august 2022 - september 2023

this is an album about the worst few years of my life. its about being trans, being mentally ill, and taking those into account when considering my place in the world. its about being hurt by someone i loved, and about coming to terms with how that affected me. years of going through it, and years of recovery. i hope, despite my words being intertwined with those painful memories, that you can enjoy what came of it.

thank you to cleo, louie, delta, mela, and jackal for helping immensely with creating and releasing this project

cw for themes of self harm, suicide, and abuse across the project

IN DUST AND ROT

UNRELEASED DAKE VERSE ON CRUEL

a song about the time i spend wishing i was just like everyone else

/

i wish that i could feel
breeze blowing on my skin
i wish that i could heal
but the knife goes further in
hopeful tone of voice, but you still dont believe this
make a deal with god cuz you really need this
silence in the night, you dont wanna feel this
im onto you

dont tell me where it hurts because i dont wanna know
if you see the river can you tell me how it flows?
am i doomed to do this all again?
no, i dont wanna see this, i want it to end

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
again, again, i dont have a defense
im cut from the cloth of the sky, heavensent
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
(pull me down, pull me down, pull me down, pull me down)

the skys too bright at night and the moons too red
3:30 on the clock when i go to bed
ill prove that im invincible right here on this ledge
i know ill grow my wings when i fall off of the edge
i hear sweet melodies
youll never make me take my medley
of whites, of reds, of blues, of blacks,
of poison, this is an attack

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
again, again, i dont have a defense
im cut from the cloth of the sky, heavensent
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
(pull me down, pull me down, pull me down, pull me down)

I shave my legs and my arms
Hoping one day I'll be part
Of everything that you take for granted, see 
I'll punch my mirror again
And cut my wrists with the shards
I'm floating, don't want to sink in the granite sea 
Falling apart at the seams
I'm not doing this for me
It drips, it signals a crack to bring a flood 
If it's just like what you think
I'll die alone at nineteen
In a hospital covered in my own blood

Is that so crazy?  God I swear
Just to hear the things I hear
If it is, that still doesn't mean you get to drag me by my hair 
Out of the dream I breathe and wear
If it's fake I still don't care
Because I'd rather be a god of nothing than have this cloudy stare 
I'm not so crazy, can't you see
I don't care about what you think
Either way I guess it's destiny if I breathe or sink 
Can you please not look at me?
Because I am scared of what you'll see
Because I could look like a god or just a girl who scared to breathe

just push me gently to shore, just push me gently to shore

just push me to shore, just push me to shore
the tide will take me home, as it has done before

just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
just push me to shore, before they pull me down
oh is there something more? or will i just drown
or will i just drown

pushed to shore

Cover art by @koro4 <3 thanks homie
Prod me 
Feat @theockyway @1sincere @rans0m
thank u all for labbing on this<3333

lyrics:

chorus-

Hop in wit a vest yeah MK18 wit a holo make em rest yah
yeah yo team aint coming back ha>:3
you can run but u aint makin it back ha
yeah we make it fun but we dont play like that
A-10 Warthog yeah you fucked for tonight (good effect on target!)
yeah theres no where left to hide
kickin down his door yeah theres no one left to find
bullets in the air yeah you know youre in our sight

my verse-

Ha yeah we double tap that boy no he cannot escape
458. out the barrel yeah they coming for your face
yeah his blood up on the pavement talking his shit we wont take it
leave him fucking faceless he wont fucking make it
left his body fucking hanging me n 00 no you cant make it
ran a couple bags yeah made it why tf you hatin?
yeah yo shit we take it ha 
yeah bitch that shit that u have yeah we take it

Rans0m-

Hit em with that warthog he aint see it coming
we gon count a hunnids told him to kick the bucket
we got that bag we gon turn nothing into sumthing uh
turn your speakers up we gon get that party jumpin yeah
AK inside da club im about to get to bussin yeah
put him in my trunk me n vixen pullin up into the function yeah
x2

Oxxy-

gotta find a way, know i gotta find a way
putting bodies in the grave, put a bullet in my brain
how you say you're an 11 when you ain't even a 6 hoe
and i pull up with a chopper bitch i pull up with a stick bro
now we on the other side, and i can see it in your eyes
i saw the devil when he cried, and i can see it in your eyes
he talkin down he know he dead meat, idk wtf a friend mean
he acting like he boutta do sumn, and now i really wish i knew sumn bout
chillin with my brothers, now i know that we been poppin out
and i'm high up off my shit and ion think that i am stoppin now
can someone please just cut the oxygen, cause i am sick of waking up tomorrow
can someone please just cut the oxygen, cause i am sick of waking up in sorrow 

sins-

sent NO lyrics

chorus-

Hop in wit a vest yeah MK18 wit a holo make em rest yah
yeah yo team aint coming back ha>:3
you can run but u aint makin it back ha
yeah we make it fun but we dont play like that
A-10 Warthog yeah you fucked for tonight (good effect on target!)
yeah theres no where left to hide
kickin down his door yeah theres no one left to find
bullets in the air yeah you know youre in our sight





-

MK18 w/ Rans0m & Oxyy & Sin

[[It’s never as easy as we want it to be]] 

~track [1/5] 
from the EP in one day stream!
all songs were made in two hours ^-^ 
follow my twitch for more music streams soon :3 
https://www.twitch.tv/jauntsen

\\ featuring //
+prod from
@ntmusiclol 
+vox from
@clovehitch
+art from
@henryyoder

\\ lyrics  //

[verse] ~ @clovehitch
apparition
floating figure from the water
know it’s all in
my head

drown and detach from
the flickers
that float before my breath
I’ll close my eyes

just to hold you for the morning
trace your shadow, my mirage
and watch it slip away

so
stay with me
ten feet deep
till I come up for air
(it’s never as easy as we want it to be)

[hook] ~ @jauntsen
i just hope that you're real
don't wanna be fake 
i can't even move a musle 
shit i think i'm half awake
say you tryin to take a break
open my eyes 
and it it not the same
they only wanted just to take

i can't believe what i see 
it was all just a dream 
don't wanna wake up 
shit it's all i have
oh my god
i can feel the pressure building up
when i wake
i only wanna see your face 
when i wake up 

[verse] ~ @jauntsen
wake up 
you don't say much
i feel your shadow creeping over my whole place
but you're not even alive

take a look take a step back
six feet down
didn't think that you'd come back
haunting my house
feel the CO leak through
and there's no way out

[hook] ~ @jauntsen
i just hope that you're real
don't wanna be fake 
i can't even move a musle 
shit i think i'm half awake
say you tryin to take a break
open my eyes 
and it it not the same
they only wanted just to take

i can't believe what i see 
it was all just a dream 
don't wanna wake up 
shit it's all i have
oh my god
i can feel the pressure building up
when i wake
i only wanna see your face 
when i wake up 

[outro] ~ @clovehitch & @jauntsen 
you'll never beat the truth of what's real inside my head
(it’s never as easy as we want it to be)

half awake +Clovehitch (nishith)

a song about mania and delusions

backing vocals by jackalsclaw

/

i fell into a pit
dont know how to get back up again
mud on my face, scrapes on my chin
this feeling wont stop festering
i scratch away my skin
cause i want to know whats under it
my muscles ache, im suffering
i just want to feel comforted

if its my fault, then tell me so
i dont want to do this alone

im a princess, im a bard
im a priestess from afar
i am anything i want when
i tell it to you

i wanna look away
but i just cant seem to close my eyes
your voice is near but phantomized
is it all real or fantasized?

and yet it feels so real
when will it come to fruition?
all i feel is suspicious
of all the opposition

if you dont care, why wont you leave?
did you just want (did you just want, did you just want)
to see me bleed? (to see me bleed?)

im a princess, im a bard
im a priestess from afar
i am anything i want when
i tell it to you

(did you just want)
(to see me bleed)
(to see me bleed)

temperance

a song about my roots and the childhood i lost

/

veered into a ditch
theres no coming back from that
hard to find my way
visions in and out of black
is there nothing to look forward to at home?
is there really nothing, nowhere i could go?

im just so imperfect
how was i made from scraps of you?
and my childhoods fading
im just grasping at scraps of youth
i swear im really trying to see the light in this
i wake up not to silence, but to a deafening hiss
the choir is getting louder, they tell me i should quit
they tell me that if im not dead, then im not doing shit
(how was i made)
im just so imperfect
how was i made from scraps of you?
and my childhoods fading
im just grasping at scraps
your words are falling flat, youre fading in the mix
its so hard to forget about this feeling that ive sinned
i think about the time that, he brushed against my skin
and even when he tried to push, the issue didnt fit
(how was i made)

save your breath for another day
save excuses, please
you gave me all that youve got
but now its starting to rot
i cant take it

its not enough, not enough, not enough,
its not enough, not enough, not enough

how was i made from scraps of you?
how was i made from scraps of you?
i didnt get to be,
the girl i wanted to be
how was i made from scraps of you?
how was i made from scraps of you?
its not my fault

scraps of you

a song about the things i wish i could have done

produced, mixed, mastered by phixel
verse by saoirse dream
backing vocals by jackalsclaw

/

[NOTE: english translations will appear in brackets next to catalan lyrics. im still learning the language so im really really sorry for my bad pronunciation and grammar]

(phixel)
em fa mal  [it hurts]
tan malament  [so badly]
com puc escoltar  [how do i hear]
digue'm per què  [tell me why]

no et puc veure  [i cant see you]
a través de l'aire negre  [through this smog]
caurà neu ardent  [fiery snow will fall]
t'enterraré, a la cendra  [i will bury you, in ashes]

et llegiré la ment com un llibre  [i will read your mind like a notebook]
però no ho vull escoltar  [though i dont want to hear it]
encara no ho sé, per què estimes  [i still dont know why you love me]
em desgastaré, afectat  [i will wither away, afflicted]

(saoirse dream)
I still fall asleep in your clothes
Try to struggle out of your rope
Buy into release I’ve imagined
Cling tight to the arms of your ghost
I light matches that I can’t put out
So I burn down bushes outside of your house
And you just watch me
You laugh
Like “what the fuck is wrong with cat?”
You know that I can’t answer that

(phixel)
et llegiré la ment com un llibre  [i will read your mind like a notebook]
però no ho vull escoltar  [though i dont want to hear it]
encara no ho sé, per què estimes  [i still dont know why you love me]
em desgastaré, afectat  [i will wither away, afflicted]

a la cendra, a la cendra, a la cendra  [in ashes, in ashes, in ashes]

[jackalsclaw:]
(i went, i cast you in the fire, i watched you burn, i didnt cry)
(ill tell you everything alright, to get your memory out my mind)

notebook

ALL PLATFORMS!!!

notebook w/ saoirse dream

a song about an event i wish i could forget

/

sorry eyes
look like mine
stay still please
its killing me
i dont wanna have to do this
but i fear that i wont last
am i part of the conclusion
or will i be left in the past

just forget about it
just forget

ill just forget it happened
happier ever after
i dont care, its just all
in the air, somersault
im a wolf in sheeps clothing
just tell me im getting closer

look at me
dont you see
im so tired
lost whats mine
cant you see my eyes are empty
cant you see ive got nothing left
theres something boiling deep within me
but you mightve just put it to rest

just forget about it
just forget

ill just forget it happened
happier ever after
i dont care, its just all
in the air, somersault
im a wolf in sheeps clothing
just tell me im getting closer

something forgotten

a song about hurting myself and a call that affirmed my worst fear

/

sorry god
think i did it again
but im flawed
i dont know why you expect
oh so much
from a girl who’s in a panic
i dont want
you to just tell me im manic

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital

its too much
why do i even try
i dont know
sorry if im always crying
im just so
wrapped up in my aching head
im thinking bout
every single time i said

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital


oh please dont leave me by myself
ill rot forever in this cell/hell
please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself

please dont tell me what im missing, this is hell
they won’t let me shave because i’ll cut myself
if you look at me, i might just slit my throat
i still dont know why im in the hospital

hospital song

guitar, bass, drum, all played by me
cover of paramore still into you

probably wont be on spotify for a while sorry

still into you

mall (st1cks, remghost & 4evr)

soho (donttrustlando & emorave)

File Updated 11/04/25 @ 11:38am GMT - Harp and second lead vocal added and got the bike sound effect run in too

A song appreciation for cycling. Best saver of heart on planet Earth. In the lyrics I refer to a few special cycling moments in my life...

The first, I was maybe 3... We were going a long a path beside them main road and the wheel came off my trike... In my head it had just disappeared and I hadn't a clue what was going on... But I rember Mum saying we had to go without getting the wheel... So that was the end of trike 1...

Fast forward to 4-2 wheels. I rember like a video when first went on two wheel and I knew I was in control. It's one of best feelings of my life. I was on a flat part of the estate road at the top of a hill. So cool how excitement sticks with you forever. 

Fast forward. again and I refer to an incident with my neighbour Evelyn. I was pelting it down a mountain road full speed and nearly hit her head on... I managed to Marc Marquez my way through but she told on me and I was banned from the road for a good while haha ... So Shit I'm banned for a while ws real shit and no game consoles yet!




Lyrics (Words written listen to Mozart Piano Sonata C Major)

Earth sees kind
Rotational Force of body from mind
A cycle just like these lives
Find fittest body when pedals wind

My first a Trike!
We're talking three,
Not quite a bike
I remember it well
'Lost one wheel to road
'Mum, my wheel...'
"Sorry Carl, it's too dangerous, Let's go"

So, four wheels next
The big two and some stabilisers
Zipping around,
Cog and wheel energisers
Then one day we try...
Top of the estate..
I'm balanced... I can do it...
I'm cycling mate!

I'll NEVER forget that beautiful feeling
It's me.
I can do thing cool thing of everyone's meaning.
Go faster.
Woo hoo.
A hill, ohhh my...
Close head on with a car..
Shit, I'm banned for a while

Ours were refurbished
Appreciation truly nurtures
I wanted a Raleigh, But rolling... Didn't care!
Cheers Mum and Dad for seeing us clear

Earth sees kind
Rotational Force of body from mind
A cycle just like these lives
Find fittest body when pedals wind

Cycling

its the two of us

“Steps" out MARCH 10

mgmt: lipglossmgmt@gmail.com
priestess of light and healing

something forgotten

phixel

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