i wanted to use my voice here but my it sucks and the melody reminds me of us in a sad way:(

thanks for listening<3 i hope you'll check out more of my music like this song.
this song + all my ambient tracks on my spotify playlist here
spotify version: open.spotify.com/playlist/4IB4U1ieSUcEor3LQkOAIy
soundcloud: soundcloud.com/tidecruz/sets/my-head-is-ambient

all my ambient songs

i was only temporary (Super Slowed)

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Drivers License (Cover)

The reading of "I Understand My Grandmother Now" from PsychedelicThoughts.blog
---------------------------

4am
Who is this next to me?
This is not the one I wanted to love.

I reflect on yesterday.
Rude remarks,
Biting sarcasm,
Annoyance.
I hold myself together through the daggers to my heart.

He calls me condescending.
It was supposed to be a loving jest.
My gentle nature annoys him.

I joke, calling myself sweet.
He calls me bitter.
No trace of a smile on his face.

He was sweet and gentle at first.
Talking about cuddles, love, settling down.
Talk of only one woman for him.
Goals aligned, I am lured in.
I make the biggest mistake of my life.

One month goes by.
My sunlight melts away the facade.

So much bitterness and anger.
So cold and distant.
I receive only a trickle of kindness and affection.

He does not show me any affection.
He dreams of strippers and hookers.
Talks about other women.
Am I not good enough?!

He is like my father-
So much anger and bitterness.
All his words are now poison.
I become a small, afraid child again.
Hiding within myself from his words.

He is just like my father.
I grow quiet.
Retreating into myself for safety.
Afraid to speak, for I will be criticized and judged.
Harsh words rub my heart like steel wool.

He is my father.
Sadness wells up in my heart.
Why was I so stupid.
I want to go back.
I fucking hate my life, what have I done.

I lay on the couch, writing and crying.
Snoring coming from the bedroom.
I am safe, he cannot hear me.
Too concerned about himself to care.

I cry.
I write.
I compose myself.
Put on the mask.
Five months left.

***

If only I could go back in time.

I only left because I want a home.
I want to settle down, not constantly move.
My time is running out, I wanted to start a family with you.
I can’t wait ten years, it will be too late for me.
I’m growing old and tired.

I never had a place to call home.
A stable spot to make my own.
My painfully turbulent childhood makes me wish for stability.

I wish settling with me could’ve made you happy.
Your soul is young, wild, free.
Mine is old and tired.
I wish settling with me could’ve made you happy.

What a fucking mistake I made.
Too old and tired, I accept that I will never start a family.
Just like my grandmother,
I will die alone on my deathbed in a nursing home.
For I have forsaken the one that truly loved me.

I understand her now.
Wanting to die, waiting patiently for death to come.
Hoping and praying for death.
Begging God for the mercy of death.
For living alone with the burden of regret is too great to bear.

I understand her now.
Making mistake after mistake.
Trying to seek love when I already had it.
Looking in all the wrong places.
Being so gullible and easily led astray.

I feel her pain.
Regret weighing down my heart
Every 
Single
Waking 
Moment.

I have her pain.
Hoping and praying for death to come.
Patiently waiting for the day.
Wanting the sweet release from my burdens and regrets.
It’s too much to bear,
I can’t do it.

I can’t but I have to.
My poetry makes it easier to hear.
But it’s still so difficult.

I write my Magnum Opus.
That gives me some comfort.
Page one: My Last Will and Testament.

***

I am a squashed flower.
Trampled, petals broken.
There is no hope of blooming again.
Thankfully, my roots run deep.
I am still alive.

🎶 Credit: https://www.FesliyanStudios.com Background Music
🎶 Track 1: "Our Hopes and Dreams"
🎶 Track 2: "Emotional Regret"

I Understand My Grandmother Now

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The reading of "Living in False Hope” from PsychedelicThoughts.blog
***

The only reason I keep on going,
Is I have a false hope.
Of getting back with you.
So selfish.

You were my purpose and now you're gone.
My purpose is gone.

Everyday I'm not with you is a constant reminder of the sins I've committed.
Everyday is a reminder of the pain I've caused.
Everyday is a reminder that I took you for granted.
Everyday is a reminder that the love of my life is gone.

“Time will heal your wounds.”
Time does not heal the fact that I'm not by your side.
Time does not heal the unrequinted love I have for you.
Time does not heal the mistake I made.

No one will love and appreciate me like you did.
The notes,
The texts,
The cuddles,
The conversations,
Talking about God.
No one will do the little things for me like you did.

“I hope your day is wonderful.”
What a slap in the face.
Can you not see the pain I'm in?
Do you not hear my cries of strife and agony?

I want to break down and cry.
I want to escape from this nightmare.
I want this pain to end.

Have you ever felt pain so much that you want to die?
I've been this way for months.
Every
Single
Waking
Moment.

I just want someone to listen to me.
I don't need advice.
I don't need words of encouragement.
I don't want it.
I want someone to listen to me.

Won't anyone listen to my agony?

When you give flowery words of positivity,
It feels like you don't care.
It feels like you're not listening.

Every time you do it,
The bitterness and self hatred grows more.
I don't want encouragement.
I want escape.

I want to cut you out to stop the pain.
But I don't want to let you go.
I want and need you still.
But I don't want flowery words.

You were my purpose and now it's gone.
I took you for granted.
I took your heart and shattered it.
I ran away from you when I should've ran to you.

This will never heal because I want you and only you.
This will never heal.
No matter who I'm with.
I'll never get over you.

Please forgive me, 
I need to let this negativity run through me.
I need to embrace my darkness and let it run it's course.
I don't need words of encouragement now.
I just need to let the darkness out.

If I don't let it out,
I'll fester and boil over.
I'm just letting it run it's course. 

Let me grief run run through me.
I'll heal but not completely.
There will always be a hole shaped like you in my heart.

I'll always miss you.
And I'll always want you back.
But I must let you go.

Time will not heal the fact that I want you back,
But never will have you.

And so,
I let go.

🎶 Music: Alexander Nakarada - "Mystery Palace"
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYV-TB2eupE


Living In False Hope

Before You Go (Cover)

Psalm 103

I record my poetry and stories. You can use them for your own projects.  

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Living In False Hope

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