i wanted to use my voice here but my it sucks and the melody reminds me of us in a sad way:(

thanks for listening<3 i hope you'll check out more of my music like this song.
this song + all my ambient tracks on my spotify playlist here
spotify version: open.spotify.com/playlist/4IB4U1ieSUcEor3LQkOAIy
soundcloud: soundcloud.com/tidecruz/sets/my-head-is-ambient

all my ambient songs

i was only temporary (Super Slowed)

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Drivers License (Cover)

The reading of "I Understand My Grandmother Now" from PsychedelicThoughts.blog
---------------------------

4am
Who is this next to me?
This is not the one I wanted to love.

I reflect on yesterday.
Rude remarks,
Biting sarcasm,
Annoyance.
I hold myself together through the daggers to my heart.

He calls me condescending.
It was supposed to be a loving jest.
My gentle nature annoys him.

I joke, calling myself sweet.
He calls me bitter.
No trace of a smile on his face.

He was sweet and gentle at first.
Talking about cuddles, love, settling down.
Talk of only one woman for him.
Goals aligned, I am lured in.
I make the biggest mistake of my life.

One month goes by.
My sunlight melts away the facade.

So much bitterness and anger.
So cold and distant.
I receive only a trickle of kindness and affection.

He does not show me any affection.
He dreams of strippers and hookers.
Talks about other women.
Am I not good enough?!

He is like my father-
So much anger and bitterness.
All his words are now poison.
I become a small, afraid child again.
Hiding within myself from his words.

He is just like my father.
I grow quiet.
Retreating into myself for safety.
Afraid to speak, for I will be criticized and judged.
Harsh words rub my heart like steel wool.

He is my father.
Sadness wells up in my heart.
Why was I so stupid.
I want to go back.
I fucking hate my life, what have I done.

I lay on the couch, writing and crying.
Snoring coming from the bedroom.
I am safe, he cannot hear me.
Too concerned about himself to care.

I cry.
I write.
I compose myself.
Put on the mask.
Five months left.

***

If only I could go back in time.

I only left because I want a home.
I want to settle down, not constantly move.
My time is running out, I wanted to start a family with you.
I can’t wait ten years, it will be too late for me.
I’m growing old and tired.

I never had a place to call home.
A stable spot to make my own.
My painfully turbulent childhood makes me wish for stability.

I wish settling with me could’ve made you happy.
Your soul is young, wild, free.
Mine is old and tired.
I wish settling with me could’ve made you happy.

What a fucking mistake I made.
Too old and tired, I accept that I will never start a family.
Just like my grandmother,
I will die alone on my deathbed in a nursing home.
For I have forsaken the one that truly loved me.

I understand her now.
Wanting to die, waiting patiently for death to come.
Hoping and praying for death.
Begging God for the mercy of death.
For living alone with the burden of regret is too great to bear.

I understand her now.
Making mistake after mistake.
Trying to seek love when I already had it.
Looking in all the wrong places.
Being so gullible and easily led astray.

I feel her pain.
Regret weighing down my heart
Every 
Single
Waking 
Moment.

I have her pain.
Hoping and praying for death to come.
Patiently waiting for the day.
Wanting the sweet release from my burdens and regrets.
It’s too much to bear,
I can’t do it.

I can’t but I have to.
My poetry makes it easier to hear.
But it’s still so difficult.

I write my Magnum Opus.
That gives me some comfort.
Page one: My Last Will and Testament.

***

I am a squashed flower.
Trampled, petals broken.
There is no hope of blooming again.
Thankfully, my roots run deep.
I am still alive.

🎶 Credit: https://www.FesliyanStudios.com Background Music
🎶 Track 1: "Our Hopes and Dreams"
🎶 Track 2: "Emotional Regret"

I Understand My Grandmother Now

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The reading of "Burdens of Women" from PsychedelicThoughts.blog

Movement I
“Come.” You said, holding out an outstretched hand. 
I took your hand.
You lead me towards the glowing light. 
 We held each other as the stars faded in the distance. 
We emerged.
 But there was nothing.
The darkness enveloped us.
 We were surrounded by nothing. 
But that was okay. 
We had each other. 
“You’re the only one that understands me.” I whispered, 
 tears rolling down my face. 
“But, this is not the life I want.”
I let go of you.
 Heart filled with grief.
 You drift away.
 You let go of me, with sad understanding.
I look around me.
 Surrounded by nothingness.
 Numb to the pain, I create anew.
No more struggling.
 I can’t sleep.
 I hate this lonely feeling.
I want to escape but it always catches up to me. 
 I am empty once more.
 Nothing but a pit of dark despair.
Always seeking.
 Finding but only empty husks.
 “When will my suffering end?”
I see an out but, the future is so uncertain.
 I resign myself to my dark fate.
 To live but not be alive.
 Filled but not be fulfilled.
Clouds hide my true feelings.
 No one must know my suffering.
 This is my burden to bear alone.
 The burden of a woman.
To be subject to the whims of men.
 Following but not being led.
 Smiling but not being happy.
“Yes, I’ll go with you.”
But not wanting to go.
 But not wanting to go.
Sleepless nights of indecision.
 “What other choice do I have?”
 I sigh with resignation.
This is my fate.
 Subject to the whims of men.
 What other choice do I have.
You do not see my life.
 You do not see my grief.
 Alone in my own heart.
This is not the life I want.
 But what other choice do I have.

*

Movement II
I tire of struggling.
 I tire of the whims of men.
 I want my own life but with you.
 I want you to be subject to my whims.
I want to take the lead.
 Set the tone, change the pace.
 But you do not see.
You are blind to my ways.
 You do not see no matter how much I explain.
 You do not understand.
 Like how the blind are unconscious of how clear water is.
I have moments of hope.
 But at the end of the day.
 I always end up resigning myself to you.
Content but not happy.
 Alive but not living.
 Here but not present.
 Filled but not fulfilled.
 Loved but not loved.
The burden of a woman.
 I must bear this alone.
Always doubtful of myself.
 Always chasing with no reprieve. 
 Finding but not what I want.
What do I want? 
Someone to support my dreams.
 Give into my whims.
 Follow my lead.
But what choice do I have.
 My fate has already been sealed.
 It’s too late to live my life.
I’ll have to be content with escaping into my imagination.
 Imagine what my life would’ve been like.
 If I could live it.

*

Movement III

Dang. The poem is too long. Read the rest on PsychedelicThoughts.blog


Music credit: https://www.FesliyanStudios.com Background Music

Burdens of Women

Before You Go (Cover)

Psalm 103

I record my poetry and stories. You can use them for your own projects.  

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Burdens of Women

Evo Numy

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