i wanted to use my voice here but my it sucks and the melody reminds me of us in a sad way:(

thanks for listening<3 i hope you'll check out more of my music like this song.
this song + all my ambient tracks on my spotify playlist here
spotify version: open.spotify.com/playlist/4IB4U1ieSUcEor3LQkOAIy
soundcloud: soundcloud.com/tidecruz/sets/my-head-is-ambient

all my ambient songs

i was only temporary (Super Slowed)

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Drivers License (Cover)

The reading of "I Understand My Grandmother Now" from PsychedelicThoughts.blog
---------------------------

4am
Who is this next to me?
This is not the one I wanted to love.

I reflect on yesterday.
Rude remarks,
Biting sarcasm,
Annoyance.
I hold myself together through the daggers to my heart.

He calls me condescending.
It was supposed to be a loving jest.
My gentle nature annoys him.

I joke, calling myself sweet.
He calls me bitter.
No trace of a smile on his face.

He was sweet and gentle at first.
Talking about cuddles, love, settling down.
Talk of only one woman for him.
Goals aligned, I am lured in.
I make the biggest mistake of my life.

One month goes by.
My sunlight melts away the facade.

So much bitterness and anger.
So cold and distant.
I receive only a trickle of kindness and affection.

He does not show me any affection.
He dreams of strippers and hookers.
Talks about other women.
Am I not good enough?!

He is like my father-
So much anger and bitterness.
All his words are now poison.
I become a small, afraid child again.
Hiding within myself from his words.

He is just like my father.
I grow quiet.
Retreating into myself for safety.
Afraid to speak, for I will be criticized and judged.
Harsh words rub my heart like steel wool.

He is my father.
Sadness wells up in my heart.
Why was I so stupid.
I want to go back.
I fucking hate my life, what have I done.

I lay on the couch, writing and crying.
Snoring coming from the bedroom.
I am safe, he cannot hear me.
Too concerned about himself to care.

I cry.
I write.
I compose myself.
Put on the mask.
Five months left.

***

If only I could go back in time.

I only left because I want a home.
I want to settle down, not constantly move.
My time is running out, I wanted to start a family with you.
I can’t wait ten years, it will be too late for me.
I’m growing old and tired.

I never had a place to call home.
A stable spot to make my own.
My painfully turbulent childhood makes me wish for stability.

I wish settling with me could’ve made you happy.
Your soul is young, wild, free.
Mine is old and tired.
I wish settling with me could’ve made you happy.

What a fucking mistake I made.
Too old and tired, I accept that I will never start a family.
Just like my grandmother,
I will die alone on my deathbed in a nursing home.
For I have forsaken the one that truly loved me.

I understand her now.
Wanting to die, waiting patiently for death to come.
Hoping and praying for death.
Begging God for the mercy of death.
For living alone with the burden of regret is too great to bear.

I understand her now.
Making mistake after mistake.
Trying to seek love when I already had it.
Looking in all the wrong places.
Being so gullible and easily led astray.

I feel her pain.
Regret weighing down my heart
Every 
Single
Waking 
Moment.

I have her pain.
Hoping and praying for death to come.
Patiently waiting for the day.
Wanting the sweet release from my burdens and regrets.
It’s too much to bear,
I can’t do it.

I can’t but I have to.
My poetry makes it easier to hear.
But it’s still so difficult.

I write my Magnum Opus.
That gives me some comfort.
Page one: My Last Will and Testament.

***

I am a squashed flower.
Trampled, petals broken.
There is no hope of blooming again.
Thankfully, my roots run deep.
I am still alive.

🎶 Credit: https://www.FesliyanStudios.com Background Music
🎶 Track 1: "Our Hopes and Dreams"
🎶 Track 2: "Emotional Regret"

I Understand My Grandmother Now

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The reading of "Sun Sets, I Want to Hear Your Voice.” from PsychedelicThoughts.blog

This audio file is licensed under CC BY 4.0. You can use this track for personal/commercial use as long as you credit me: 
Sun Sets, I Want to Hear Your Voice. from PsychedelicThoughts.blog

***


I sit in the sunlight, reenergized.
What would be worse, 
Living my dream with no one to love?
Or Compromising with someone to love me?
Now that I've grown up,
I choose love any day.

I think about my life, 
The choices and paths laid out before me.
I'd choose the path to love any day.

I think about the choices I have made.
Living my life brings only regret, remorse.
I live in the past, not wanting to move on.
Dreaming of you still when I fall asleep.
Life without you is meaningless.

I gain some happiness from doing the things I love.
Driving, listening to music, sitting in sunshine.
But it's not the same without you.
Still,
The hole in my heart aches and craves you.
I'd rather have love over this.

My dream, 
My dreams, 
What are they? 
They are nothing without you. 
You are my purpose, 
You are my dream. 
I don't want it to remain a dream, I want to live it. 

Your dream, 
Your dreams, 
What are they? 
Tell me, are you willing to compromise with me? 

Tell me what you truly desire. 
I'll tell you what I truly desire. 
Tell me how much can you give, how much do you need? 

I am no longer a screaming infant.
I have my words, my poetry to express my thoughts.
I have grown up. No longer am I ruled by wild emotions. 
I rule my emotions, I have tamed them with my tongue. 

“Sun sets,
I want to hear your voice.
A love that nobody could destroy.”

Will you be wild and free with me? 
I seek freedom just as you do. 
But all I need is a safety net, for both of us. 
Let me show you the future I want for both of us. 
Let me show you the sunrise, not the sunset.
Let me show you the stars, not the night.
Let me show you love, not remorse.
Let me show you a dream we could have.
Let me be a part of your dream.

The sun sets,
I want to hear your voice.

Left in the shadows, I withdraw.
Another night dreaming about you.
I'm alone again.
No one to share my dream with.
No one to love.
No one to love me for who I truly am.

Worries and burdens of the outside world are far away.
I have build a world inside myself.
I shelter myself in this world. 

Each day a drag. 
Each day, no different from the last.
Each day just going through the motions.

Put up the wall, keep the mask on. 
I find happiness by myself, for when I'm with myself,
I daydream about you.
That's the only thing that makes me happy now.

A mountain of apologies for tugging your heart. 
This is just how I feel. 
This is me expressing myself. 
I just need to let it out, 
I wish for someone to listen to me and see my pain.
I wish someone could see the regret and remorse I experience every moment.

The emptiness I feel every single day.
How I don't care about my future anymore.
Everyday is the same because you're not here.
Everyday I'm alone and it hurts.

Sun sets,
I want to hear your voice.

I want to go back in time and erase everything.
So much pain.
I'm numb, pain constant every waking moment.

Sun sets,
I retreat back into my fantasy again.


🎶 Music: {None, add your own.}

Sun Sets, I Want to Hear Your Voice.

[FREE Download, No Copyright, Royalty Free] Poetry Reading "Sun Sets, I Want to Hear Your Voice."

Before You Go (Cover)

Psalm 103

I record my poetry and stories. You can use them for your own projects.  

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Email info@psychedelicthoughts.blog for questions share your remix of my tracks.

[FREE Download, No Copyright, Royalty Free] Poetry Reading "Sun Sets, I Want to Hear Your Voice."

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