From the South

Flares

Subtitles for Feelings

Poems & Apologies

Stronghold

for almost my entire high school career, i was in a tumultous on and off long distance situationship with a guy in a band. it started off as mutual yet unaware pining that lead straight into a toxic wastepool of confusion and manipulation on both sides. looking back at it now, at almost 22(6 years after it started), the fallout between us had been a duel effort. i would like to put a positive spin on it and say it was a period of growth for both us - when we entered new relationships with new people, we knew didn't want what our... 'thing'.. looked like, but in reality, i don't think we grew at all. i think every time we started talking again, we would both end up worse people than before.

on an off period we were in, i started dating the boyfriend i dated my senior year of high school. when that relationship ended, my rebound instincts were to go find comfort in what i knew, and him and i were back to where we started. 

we started talking again, facetiming again, getting really close. he had told me his relationship too had just ended, so we were both in the same place. it felt natural, like this time it was gonna work out.

till i found out that they were still dating and had never broken up.

now this is the part that i hate; i was not a good person. i was not a saint, and if there's anything you learn about me, is that I'm a coward through and through. i hide behind the songs i write, i let my writing say what i want and forget that i have to deal with the repercussions. i point the finger forgetting that the rest point back at me. i was disrespectful of boundaries and even though at my request our communication went down to almost 0, there were a few occasional drunk and high reach outs on both ends that lead to my anger being revamped and my revengeful fist wanting to slam itself on a table. i wanted her to know what was happening.

so after a lot of long paragraph exchanges between us three parties, social media post call outs, and some other completely fair reactions, i just hit block on everything and tried to pour my focus back into music and writing about the love i was just starting to develop then. a few months in, i had a nightmare about that situationship that lead me walking into my first session with dee lilly wanting to just write another song that would be a final nail in the board. i let time calcify but found a mine in the anger i had been withholding, and wrote the first line of the song: "why would you tell me that you're over when you're on the floor next to her bed?".

to be an acid tab, in this case, is to be something that a person leans on when they want it to feel different. when they want to add something to their life that is going to change how they feel. an alter in perspective, an alter in attention. to tell you that i can't be the acid tab in your throat is me basically saying that i can't be that familiar mode you turn to when you're feeling self destructive. after all, an acid high is temporary, and you come down to exactly where you were before. 

i don't wish revenge anymore. i think we were both really sick kids who unfortunately put an innocent bystander in the middle of our sick tirade against each other. we both needed help. you might listen to this song and not believe that i feel regret, and i have to be honest, up until 6 months ago i didn't feel any. i do now, as i sit almost 3 years into the love i have now and having gone through the worst part of my personal growth. i made whatever they had infinitely worse, and watched as for years they tormented each other over me. and i tormented back. i wish them both well; that is the truth coming from the deepest part of my soul. 

unfortunately i wrote acid tab before that conclusion, and it's just now coming out. i hope that we all can look back at the past with the eyes i have now one day. at 19, sometimes you just don't have that.

ACID TAB

JULIANNA JOY

Related tracks