Video: https://youtu.be/NpAK0CCilmc
Music, lyrics, art by me
Vocals with Synth V Eleanor Forte Lite

Lyrics:
I'm so sick of my shit
And I bet everyone else is too
How long will it be until they
See I'm really of no use
All I'm good at is pretending
I know what I have to do
And even then I'm so afraid
The cracks will soon start to show through 

I can see the realization
On their faces in real time
I'm not who I claim to be 
And they're at the scene of the crime

They're all sick of my shit 
And I bet they talk behind my back
"Did you hear about this disaster"
"Knowing her I guess that tracks" 
I'm not good at anything that
Truly matters here and now
And even then I sacrificed
My future just to make this vow
And present just to break this vow

I can see the stress I gave them
On their faces 
It's all me
They'd all be so much happier
In that alt reality
Where I had listened the first time 
I heard the calling of the void
And never tried to play God 
And create you just to be destroyed 

I took on a destiny I knew would doom me
Why complain
Everything will fall apart and I'm the only one to blame 

I think the stress is gonna kill me if I don't do it myself
Like how I'm pretty sure that my reserves are long past their shelf life
Cause I'm like a DS that's been on blinking bright red battery
If I don't get plugged in this minute it's gonna piss off Resetti 

But when I answer for my sins
Nobody cares about my pain
They're a tough crowd to convince
Those vengeful souls on judgement day
Cameras capture all my failings
I insisted on the price
And made them act the parts of puppets
All because I rolled the dice

"Happy birthday piece of shit 
You had to drag us all to Hell"
I'm stuck inside the shoe that fits 
And that's all I'm allowed to tell

Sick of My Sh!t feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

Video: https://youtu.be/StT1i60LpZg
Music, lyrics, art by me
Vocals with Synth V Eleanor Forte Lite


Lyrics:
I'm addicted to the pressure
Because it's the only measure of success
That means anything to my mental illness

But no I find no pleasure
Not in anything ever to be fair
So why would this be different there

Pressure pressure gives no pleasure
But it tells me how to measure
Urgency emergency
All my tunnel vision can see

Pleasure pleasure gives no pressure
I'm not motivated ever
"Think of how good it'll feel" 
I can't chase something that's not real

I wish my teachers would just threaten to kill me
If I don't get this fucking thing done
Burnout builds my pressure tolerance
Stress is not enough so could you use a gun

Make me dodge a bullet
Point it and pull it 

I'm addicted to the pressure
Because it's the only measure of success
That means anything to my mental illness

But no I find no pleasure
Not in anything ever to be fair
So why would this be different there

Pressure pressure gives no pleasure
But it tells me how to measure
Urgency emergency
All my tunnel vision can see

Pleasure pleasure gives no pressure
I'm not motivated ever
"Think of how good it'll feel" 
I can't chase something that's not real
That's not real
That's not real
It’s not real
I’m not real

Pressure feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

Video: https://youtu.be/A0AZWNKiDPE
Music, lyrics, art by me
Vocals with Synth V Eleanor Forte Lite

Lyrics: 
The world isn't safe
And I don't know the rules of the game
That everyone plays 
So I watch my step and count my days

I make myself sick with concern
But the hard way is the only way I learn

There's so much I don't notice
I know only hypervigilance can save me
I'm alone and all I know is
There's just nothing that I'm able to do bravely 
When flight is not an option
And to fight would be obnoxious
I'm forced to proceed with caution
Stars will never grant my wish
To feel at ease and protected
So I wield my only weapon
It's all I've known ever since
Hypervigilance 

I've never found my place
Always a wannabe in any seat
I keep my eyes on the escape
Always have a plan B just in case

I break myself to carry the burden
Of being the one to get the last word in 

There's so much I don't notice
I know only hypervigilance can save me
I'm alone and all I know is
There's just nothing that I'm able to do bravely 
When flight is not an option
And to fight would be obnoxious
I'm forced to proceed with caution
Stars will never grant my wish
To feel at ease and protected
So I wield my only weapon
It's all I've known ever since
Hypervigilance 

But at a certain point I have to tell myself 
"Relax
You'll miss out if all you ever do is watch your own back
What exactly does people thinking mean thoughts at you do
If you assume the worst do you get a medal if it's true" 

But there's so much I don't notice
I know only hypervigilance can save me
I'm alone and all I know is
There's just nothing that I'm able to do bravely 
Flight is not an option
And to fight would be obnoxious
I'm forced to proceed with caution
Stars will never grant my wish
To feel at ease and protected
So I wield my only weapon
It's all I've known ever since
Hypervigilance 
Hypervigilance 

Although I can't do it bravely
Hypervigilance can('t) save me

Hypervigilance feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

No video yet (It will be a PV collab!!)
Music, lyrics by me
Vocals with Synth V Eleanor Forte Lite

Lyrics: 
Wasn't I supposed to learn
From painful partings of ways 
How did I somehow get worse
All that it taught me is I can't be trusted 
So instead of speaking I feel myself shake
Like I'm cursed 

It's moments like this when I realize I did it again
Treating all interactions like battles 
I let out a breath 
Tell myself they're my friends
But ask
Why am I still so fragile
The question
It's shameful 
So I try to hide all the evidence that this is something I grapple with
Even with time having healed me
I'm wondering why am I still so fragile

I dream that I'll confess that I fear you hate me
And you'll sigh and kiss me just to prove me wrong
Even then all that my brain will concede is that
Maybe it's only 99% sure and not 100% that you've wanted me dead all along 

It's moments like this when I realize I did it again
Treating all interactions like battles 
I let out a breath 
Tell myself they're my friends
But ask
Why am I still so fragile
The question
It's shameful 
So I try to hide all the evidence that this is something I grapple with
Even with time having healed me
I'm wondering why am I still so fragile

At least I never deluded myself 
Into expecting any of this to be enough 
I swear I won't be surprised if wealth
Nor fame never make me feel loved 

Looking back what did I learn
From painful partings of ways 
Other than how to be worse
What did it make me except for mistrusting 
Of everyone even though it's me that's cursed

I tip toe waltz through rooms as if there is glass on the floor 
But how did it get there
If it even matters
What shattered 
Is my fragile ego of course

Fragile feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

No video yet (WIP)
Music, lyrics by me
Vocals with Synth V Eleanor Forte Lite

Lyrics:
Your heart better be fluttering
At least half as fast as mine is
Then it'd be worth the stuttering 
And sudden silent shyness

Have I made enough excuses to hang around you
Do you notice my reaction to the sound of you

I keep thinking I have power but I don't 
I keep thinking I'll be brave and then I won't
It's an unanswered question holding me back
Before I can make my attack

Are you in love with me yet 
How much sweeter do I have to get
I'm falling for you with no safety net 
No poker face when I might lose this bet 
So tell me please are you in love with me yet 

I showed up in my best dress 
We had a heart to heart outside the bar
You took away my stress
And in doing so gave me more

But surely now you feel that fire when you look at me
You won't forget to treat me like a luxury

Are you in love with me yet 
How much prettier do I have to get
I'm falling for you with no safety net 
No poker face when I might lose this bet 
So tell me please are you in love with me yet 

Eh eh et 
Eh eh et

I just don't know how much it takes
To break through
Don't know the rules to your game
But I've been told that I'm confusing 
So maybe you feel that way too

I heard a rumor that your heart is kinda cold
But I hope I shouldn't believe everything I'm told

Are you in love with me yet 
How much more accomplished do I have to get
I'm falling for you with no safety net 
No poker face when I might lose this bet 
So tell me please are you in love with me yet

Are you 
Are you 
In love with me
Are you in love with me yet
Are you 
Are you 
In love with me
Are you in love with me yet

R U in luv w me yet feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

Video link: none yet
Music and lyrics by me
Vocals with SynthV Eleanor Forte Lite


Lyrics:

I am just so tired of the torture I put myself through
To meet all of your standards and maybe be good enough for you
I pray for an ending to the games I'm playing all at once 
I don't think it's a secret that I'm not having fun

So if you're offering me an out 
I suppose I should ignore my doubts

I just wanna take the deal
If this is even real
I would never have to think
I'd only have to feel
It's telling me to take the deal
But I might be its meal 
All it needs now is a drink
And a soul to steal
Take take 
The the 
Deal
Take take
The the
Deal 

I don't think I'm ready for the consequences of the choice
I could lose my breath before it magnifies my voice
I could be a puppet with the comfort of my strings
To tell me how to be in every challenge life can bring

So if this is the way to escape
I'll forget to check if I'm safe

I just wanna take the deal
If this is even real
I would never have to think
I'd only have to feel
It's telling me to take the deal
But I might be its meal 
All it needs now is a drink
And a soul to steal
Take take 
The the 
Deal
Take take
The the
Deal 

I might not be desperate if I had working medication 
I don't think I will succeed if it requires dedication 
All my worn out mind can see is promises of a vacation 
Trampling all over any traces of hesitation 

Sure I'll take your hand
Bring me to a new land
Somewhere that I can 
Not care that I'm damned 

I'm just gonna take the deal
I'm breaking off the seal
Trying so hard not to blink 
In case it isn't real
It's so pleased that I'll take the deal 
It doesn't have to steal 
It found a fool to gladly be its next delicious meal
Take take 
The the
Deal
Take take 
The the
Deal

And so in the aftermath 
Do I have regrets 
I guess I wouldn't know
It's easy to forget

Take the Deal feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

Video link: none yet
Music and lyrics by me
Vocals with SynthV Eleanor Forte Lite


Lyrics:

I collect crushes and exes like cards
Just so there's always someone to break my heart
I prefer it to the suffering that's actually important 
I have a task but I get distracted and ignore it

Fidgeting with loose ends in my mind
Why she's so cold and yet so kind
I'd lose the game if it made sense 
I'd lose my pass to play it again and again 

I'll cry either way
Be it night or it day
All I get a say in 
Is the source of the pain
So I could stick with the fight 
That was due at midnight
Or retreat into my mind 
Obsessively rewinding 

I'll ignore the notebooks on the shelf
I want to cry about something else

On the outside I'm a pendulum from hot to cold
To others surely this confusion quickly gets old
But I seem to love it when a crush makes me do logic puzzles 
The solution booklet has been buried and I got rid of the shovel

Fidgeting with loose ends in my mind
Why they stopped leaving clues for me to find
I'd lose the game if it made sense 
I'd lose my pass to play it again and again 

I'll cry either way
Be it night or it day
All I get a say in 
Is the source of the pain
So I could stick with the fight 
That was due at midnight
Or retreat into my mind 
Obsessively rewinding 

I'll ignore the notebooks on the shelf
I want to cry about something else

A clock that probably says 3 am 
Blurry through tears is my favorite sight
I chose this bad dream instead of being trapped 
And that gets me through the night

Fidgeting with loose ends in mind
Why when faced with a future I'd rather rewind
I'd lose the game if it made sense 
I'd lose my pass to play it again and again 

I'll cry either way
Be it night or it day
All I get a say in 
Is the source of the pain
So I could stick with the fight 
That was due at midnight
Or retreat into my mind 
Obsessively rewinding 

I'll ignore the notebooks on the shelf
I want to cry about something else

Heart break's great I'll take more for myself
As long as I can cry about something else

Cry About Something Else feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

Video link: none yet
Music and lyrics by me
Vocals with SynthV Eleanor Forte Lite


Lyrics:

Oh
Are you still waiting 
Wondering when the rain will fall
Well so am I 
Are we imagining the same stormy sky 
That might strike us with lightning if we try to fly

Our roses can't bloom
They might wilt soon
But we can still bleed from the thorns 
And we might be doomed 
If we're still silent by June
Cupids watch with popcorn

Congratulations you've become another thing for me to feel bad about
If there was ever any doubt
That I'm a sad excuse for a human 
Then everything that I'm doing
Has knocked it right out 
We're stuck in this drought 

I used to pride myself 
In learning not to pine forever 
I swear I used to be brave
And had more control of the weather
I would just ask the clouds to bless me
But they'd always keep me guessing 
And take their time like they don't need to impress me
Like they love me so little they don't care it's distressing

I won't ask the rose to bloom
But it might wilt soon
And we can still bleed from the thorns
We might be doomed 
How is it already June
Cupids throw their popcorn

Congratulations you've become another thing for me to feel bad about
If there was ever any doubt
That I'm a sad excuse for a human 
Then everything that I'm doing
Has knocked it right out 
We're stuck in this drought 

No I'm not doing well
Yes it still feels like Hell
Maybe we could show and tell
How each of us fell
No it's no guarantee 
But I am your devotee
We'll agree to disagree 
If you don't want to be with me

But I feel unlovable and so do you 
So I think we both might think it's too good to be true 

Congratulations you've become another thing for me to feel bad about
If there was ever any doubt
That I'm a sad excuse for a human 
Then everything that I'm doing
Has knocked it right out 
We're stuck in this drought 

Congratulations you are just another stressful part of proving myself
Abandoned hobbies on the shelf 
Will be your only company 
If you should choose to wait for me
And try to find out
If there's an end to this drought 
Is there an end to this drought

Drought feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

Lyrics: 

I, I think I died and came back to life
Or rather a long lonely winter's night
Dream memories cut through like a knife
I feel almost rested but not quite

I just don't know if I'm ever getting better
I miss you so here's an open letter

I'm long gone
Who knows what it'd take me
To take back my abdication 
I just want
Someone to wake me
From my hibernation 

I, I think we could have tried to make it right
Instead of getting scared and taking flight 
Until I crashed and slept in the ground
You thought I'd always be around

You don't fear the curse of the sweater
Will you be my aider and abettor

I'm long gone
Who knows what it'd take me
To take back my abdication 
I just want
Someone to wake me
From my hibernation
Not yet dawn
Maybe it's a fake
Just like my aspirations 
I just want
Someone to wake me
From my hibernation

The universe can knock
Tell me that I'm blessed 
I ask for another month of rest
But you could throw rocks
And say I'm too loved to be depressed 
Maybe then I'd do my best

I'm long gone
Who knows what it'd take me
To take back my abdication 
I just want
Someone to wake me
From my hibernation
Not yet dawn
Maybe it's a fake
Just like my aspirations 
I just want
Someone to wake me
From my hibernation
Night drags on
Nothing can make me
Believe in your admiration
Won't bet on
Anyone to wake me
From my hibernation


Hibernation feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

Video link: https://youtu.be/LPDcT9ABJeI
Music by me, lyrics by Rachy and me
Vocals with SynthV AI Megpoid

Lyrics:
I know I forfeited the right to hurt when I hurt you
I went too far, backstabbed your heart, didn’t know it would leave a scar
Now I don’t get to hurt, but you do

As punishment for my mistakes
I bury my feelings away
Forfeit the right to feel them
Bite down all the words I want to say

I forfeit the right to be petty
I forfeit the right to be mean
I cannot be mad, only sorry
My feelings must never be seen
I’ll hide my building resentment
I don’t deserve to let it show
I’ll hide this crippling pain
If I’m hurting you don’t need to know

And it was awful what I did, not something I’m proud of
So I’d better bite my tongue, no right to speak when I know I was wrong
I’ll try not to hurt anymore, for you, my love

I listen to your complaints
And make none of my own
Pretend to be an ever patient saint
Hold back my thoughts and don’t let go

I forfeit the right to be open
I forfeit the right to be true
I bury the past me beneath us
I become a new me, for you
The weight of the feelings I carry
May very well end up breaking my back
But so long as the back isn’t yours
I think I’ll be okay with that

Is this what you want? I don’t think so
Is this what you asked for? No
If I keep it secret you don’t get to
Interfere with the penance I chose
From now on I won’t be honest
If that’s what might heal your heart
It all changed when I broke my promise
To protect you by instead leaving those scars

I forfeit the right to be petty
I forfeit the right to be mean
I cannot be mad, only sorry
My feelings must never be seen
I’ll hide my building resentment
I don’t deserve to let it show
I’ll hide this crippling pain
If I’m hurting you don’t need to know
I forfeit the right to be open
I forfeit the right to be true
I bury the past me beneath us
I become a new me, for you
The weight of the feelings I carry
May very well end up breaking my back
But so long as the back isn’t yours
I think I’ll be okay with that

I caused your pain, doesn’t matter it was without meaning
So I’ll bite my tongue, no right to speak when I know I was wrong
And I’ll die with this mountain of feelings


Forfeit feat. Gumi

An alternate account for Vocaloid/Synth V music I make.
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIr9R4F2JmLTZ87mxB2fsgg

Fragile feat. Eleanor Forte Lite

Rowan