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Ocean Blue

So this is the first song I remember making that ever came to a feeling of being complete. Initially it wasn’t that way, I had plans for proper verses and better more perfect lyrics - a more perfect song. But every time I came back to it nothing much ‘new’ happened and over time I just sort of realised that this is what the song is now I guess. That’s why the structure is kind of weird. That’s also the way most of my songs have come about; I think I’m going to do way more, but don’t, and end up liking what I’m left with.
Anyway, this was probably 2016 or so when I first came up with this. The phrase “what can I say?” and the whole song, is just generally about a notion that I wanted to express - that it’s hard for me to say things. Like really hard. I wanted people to understand that I have a lot of things in my head I want to let out. But the struggle to do so makes me feel powerless and like there was nothing to say at all. It ends up being so impossible and I’m left with the feeling of, what can I say? What can I do? I can’t. I just can’t. And I’m aware of how it makes me feel and how it affects other people. Of what my silence leads people to think about me. But,, what can I say? :’) 
The song starts off by showing a simple picking pattern and building off of it. It also fades out like it fades in. The bit in the middle where it goes crazy and dissonant or whatever is intentional. It’s supposed to be building in intensity and chaos to feel like there’s no way out, until it collapses back into the peaceful outro. Just idk imagine it’s done well :’) with like, strings and shit.
To be perfectly honest the final line is slightly stolen from All For The Best by Miracle Legion - but I know the song from Thom Yorke’s version. Although in that song it’s “say you loved me” and I feel like like it’s trying to say something different to what I am. For me the ending is kind of like pleading with people,,, that they know? That they understand maybe? That I love them but struggle to show or say it. It’s part of a desperate fear I’ve always had that I’m apart from everything and nobody really likes me. I just want people to telepathically take initiative and overcome the fear for me and let me know that they do like me. Idk. When I really start trying to explain the feelings I have in this song and music in general it becomes clear how difficult it is to make sense :’)
This song is also about Lirio. And my huge crush on her in year 12/13. What can I say,, to tell you how I feel? Say you love me too… just like I’m in love with you. 
And…. The fact that she did love me back in the end. For a while. And now doesn’t. Even though I still do. The fact that it’s all partly because of the problems I’ve always had in communicating - the problems that I was expressing in music before we were even together and never did manage to overcome.
That’s all just,,, yeah. 
Heartbreaking.
But here’s the first song on the album.
It means a lot to me.

What Can I Say?

So a happier track. Bit of TMBG in there :’). In terms of having an interesting concept or idea for a song, rather than just being about an emotion or a situation or a story. The idea being that the sentence, “why start sentences if you’re never going to finish them?”, itself gets cut off and doesn’t get finished. That’s the like, kind of clever - but perhaps not really, idea I had here. And then that idea is used to make a song about the awkwardness of conversations - in general but also specifically with Lirio because we had just been dating a few months and I was still so nervous around her.
I wrote it In Huddersfield while hiding in my room due to intense social anxiety and a feeling like I couldn’t go outside or rather just couldn’t interact with my so called flat mates. I had nothing really but my laptop and my electric guitar with no amp (I’ve only ever really stuck to acoustic anyway). I wrote it while thinking about her and it is kind of for her. The whole making a blanket fort bit was a real thing we did in her accommodation at Oxley Hall in Leeds.
Overall I think this is actually a really nice song and nice guitar part I’m quite proud of this one. Please don’t turn out to be shit actually :’). The issue of recording in this way is the guitar part probably isn’t actually that clear though, so idk I hope it’s okay.

…I wish I could go back to that blanket fort.

Words Are Hard

So I distinctly remember this being in mine and Lirios basement room in our shared house in Leeds (The Pit). The simple point of the song is, I’m not fine. I’m just saying I am. I’m trying not admit it or to ignore it but I’m not okay. You think I’m out there going somewhere or doing something and making myself happy but I’m not. I’m just stationary. Dead in the water. And everything it looks like I’m doing is just to cover the fact that inside I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere. Because there’s a lot I need to do that I’m ignoring.
Idk. It’s an attempt to make it make sense to people; my mental road blocks and the difficulty with keeping perspective I’ve always had. Like I’m doing now I guess :’) trying to make it make sense.
It’s just the feeling I always have. That I’m supposed to doing something that I’m not. That I’m supposed to be feeling something that I’m not. So in the end I never feel like I get anywhere.
And the final line and the thing that keeps getting repeated, is the lie. That I’m fine and I’ll get ‘back on my feet’ eventually. The truth is, I’m never going to get there. unless something changes. Unless I get help.
And I never did. Still don’t want to.

Also ignore the mess of metaphors :’). Look, I’m in a hole okay. Then, when the rain comes, it fills up the hole with water and I get carried by the water out of the hole, into the adjacent river and eventually out into the sea. Where I’m just floating doing nothing. See, it makes perfect logical sense. 
Emotionally speaking the hole and the ocean are slightly different concepts in my head so I don’t know why I chose to connect them like this but whatever.
Overall I know there’s a better more perfect version of the guitar part but I can’t be arsed so it’s just one take and done. Also, it is the point for the start to be super quiet and for the soloey bit to be really loud. And I guess that comes across but not in a good way. Like if it was properly recorded and mixed it wouldn’t be as jarring.
I do like this one though. In my head there’s nothing but a slow crisp drum beat in the verses which is why I’m tapping the guitar. It’s meant to be slow and calm but loud and violent. Kind of reminiscent of the sea, or in my head at least.

Maybe someday though. I’ll feel like I’m back on my feet.

Dead In The Water

So, songs for Lirio. Some covers as well as my own.

This would’ve been around year 12/13. I’d known the song for a good few years, shout outs to my mum for listening to Fade by Yo La Tengo - amazing album. But I guess the main thing here is the line about the kaleidoscope girl :’). I’d never properly thought that much about this song or the lyrics but suddenly it had so much meaning to me. The kaleidoscope girl. All colourful and wonderful and magical. In the doorway, the future I want to have. The future I can have, like maybe she’s holding her hand wanting to go with me. Like that bit at the end of Scott Pilgrim. She’s looking my way, at times
Plus, “when I’m staring into space, I’m looking for you” is such a beautiful way to describe thinking about someone. And for me it’s a romantic thought, about my crush on her. Like every time I’m thinking about stuff and not doing anything, staring into space, I’m not thinking about anything else, I’m daydreaming - about you ❤️ and how much I like you.
Also I’m pretty sure the chorus might be “pick up your fall” not pick up the phone :’) but whatever. 
In the end the phrase I’ll be around sort of describes how passive I am … which I guess, is part of the problem? I think of it as a nice thing but in the end people don’t really understand the way I love them. Or at least Lirio sure didn’t. And inaction generally has been such a plague for every aspect of my life. I wish I could have really been around for you, in a way that matters. Sigh…

In terms of the guitar, this is my own version I came up with years and years ago, listening to my mum playing it in the kitchen. Tbh it’s nowhere near close to what the song actually sounds like if you listen to it :’). That’s the way my covers are, it’s very much my own interpretation rather than trying to recreate exactly what it’s doing. Finding what’s easy for me to do, I just want a way to play the song :’). I’ve never liked playing things ‘properly’. Or people telling me “that’s not how it goes” - I don’t care :’). Again, I just want to play the song :’)
The soloey bit at the end in the actual song is improvised and more freeform. The thing that I’m doing is something I scrabbled together when I first tried to play the song, that developed over time but settled this way. I was trying to recreate something of what heard the song do while also keeping the bass part going with my thumb. The ending does the same thing four times but is supposed to build in volume and complexity each time, yes that sounds like a nice fancy way to put it :)

Overall it’s a beautiful song that’s very special to me. I like my version of it and I’ve played it a thousand times probably. Always thinking about Lirio when I do and about the way I felt about her in year 13. I never did play this or any of these in front of her or ‘for her’ in the way I wanted to. But here I am now I guess. Just trying to process my feelings and move forward.

I’ll Be Around (Yo La Tengo)

So there it is. My collection for Lirio

This one is from a few weeks or so after she broke up with me. The sentiment is that I guess I’ll miss you still, despite anything. I’ll always want to be with you in a way that won’t go away. It also could be like, ‘love you still’. No matter what. Because that’s what I’ve talked myself into I guess :’). Something I’ve inception’d myself with. What are feelings anyway :’)

I’ve realised now that what I’m channelling with this is Tessa Violet? With like Crush and Baby I’m Not Over You. I think at least, that’s probably a weird thing to say sorry.
Oh and I don’t actually listen to the radio :’). I just wanted it to sound more Pop Songish I guess. I’m not sure I like it :’)

Theeee bit at the end? Is genuinely how I felt. And so … again :’) ya hate to see it :’) for ya boi 😂 Pierre, you really do. He’s down bad 😂. Idk why I’m choosing to phrase my feelings about disappointment and getting things wrong in this way but it’s funny to me :’). 
I really did have a lot of feelings of this is it I can do it. I’ve messed up so badly but I really can be the person I wanted to be. And be with her again in the process. I know she’d say good, be the person you want to be, be happy. But I always make things much more complicated and painful for my self :’). Things just are more complicated for me I guess. And always the doubt creeping in at the end… can change but never will.

In the end, if you’re reading this bub. If you’ve listened to this stuff and read this stuff. Then um,,, hi :’)
It is for you. it’s something to show you I love you. I get that this love have for you isn’t what you want. Or if it ever was, that time has passed.
Just know, I’d be with you again in a heartbeat. Even though I know it’s dumb and we don’t work. I’ll always feel like it could work if we just talked properly. And I’ll always have that ridiculously huge crush on you from high school. Because that’s just what true love is to me. That’s the feeling and the belief I’ve decided to burden myself with. It’s why it’s so hard to let you go.

Because what this whole thing actually is? - is for me. To maybe process things for once. To have perspective for once. To finally let stuff out instead of staying in my head all the time.

Love you bun x

Miss You Still

SHE'S GONE
SOUNDCLOUD PROMO

From the forthcoming album... All Blue 

In my head images of a girl who makes me feel such dread
But it feels so good I won't let it go
She could be the only one who came close to seeing my true self
The only one who I never got to tell

She's gone I need to find out
Where it went wrong
Perhaps I'll never know

In my bed I talk as if she's lying here next to me
But instead there's an empty space where she should be
I can see my true self looking in the mirror back at me
Is that what she could see?

She's gone I need to find out
Where it went wrong
Perhaps I'll never know

That dread I know will fill me
I'm scared she won't believe me
Should I try again?

When I said I didn't think she was right for me
What I meant I knew that she was wrong for me
But I still can't escape images in my head
It fills me up with dread

She's gone I need to find out
Where it went wrong
Perhaps I'll never know

She's gone I need to find her
She's gone I need to find her....

She's Gone

The Mystics (Varispeed Mix)

The Capsules

She throws words out like they don't mean anything
Is she evil?
You see, I have tried just about everything
But she's evil

Evil
She's evil

Never really mattered what I said
Never really mattered what I did
Never really mattered what I said
Never really mattered what I did
Never really mattered what I said
Never really mattered what I did
Never really mattered what I said
Never really mattered what I did
Never really mattered what I said
Never really mattered what I did

She'll take everything you love and keep it locked inside of her ego
Throw accusations in your face
Make out you're this big disgrace and then lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
She lies
She lies
She lies

Never matters what I say
Never matters what I do
Never matters what I say
Never matters what I do
Never matters what I say
Never matters what I do
Never matters what I say
Never matters what I do

Is She Evil?

(Bit rough around the edges, this one.. that second verse though with the piano - yum)

I'll fight anything you wanna throw at me when he's stuck in the middle
I'll fight anything you wanna throw at me when he's stuck in the middle

When he's stuck in the middle
[stuck in the middle, stuck in the middle]
When he's stuck in the middle
[stuck in the middle, stuck in the middle]
When he's stuck in the middle
[stuck in the middle, stuck in the middle, stuck in the middle, stuck in the middle]

If you tried then maybe everything would work out fine
If we tried, then why is everything so black and white?
If its goodbye, I'm not changing your mind tonight

She says that I don't care
But how is that fair when loves thrown out for doubt
I'm always there
So don't have another breakdown..
Please don't have another breakdown tonight..

You wanted everything that you already had
And everyone knows that so why don't you get mad

Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you wanted?

He's Stuck in the Middle [wip demo]

Artist from London
New singles 'I've Seen So Many Things These Days' and 'Smile' out now

Stream the album Brave New World

...so you think you can fly?

The Mystics (Varispeed Mix)

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