This podcast episode is an unpacking and discussion of the recent Netflix production The Lost Daughter, based on the novel of the same name by the pseudonymous Italian novelist Elena Ferrante and directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal. The film explores the textured, complex, nuanced, challenging parts of the mothering experience and positioning of motherhood culturally. The themes explored shine a light on the shadow side of being a mother, the boundaries of maternal ‘transgressions’, and the experience of maternal ambivalence. 

To reflect on the film, I’m joined in conversation by Julianne Boutaleb, a passionate and highly experienced perinatal psychologist who has worked for over 15 years in the NHS and private practice with parents and parents-to-be and their babies. Julianne and I discuss the importance of this film in exploring the complex and raw portrayal of motherhood on our screens, something we so rarely see examined in such a demanding and articulate way. 

We look at mothering and the experience of maternal violence, peacemaking and repair, and explore the gap between the idealised version of motherhood versus what is real. We ask and explore questions such as - what do we do with the loss of the imagined future we had before having our children? What are ‘maternal transgressions’ of the ‘bad mother’ and who defines these? Who decides which are acceptable and which ones aren't? What stories and rules have we internalised as mothers, and where have these come from? What standards are we holding ourselves to as mothers? 

We look at the possibility of self-erasure and self-surveillance, and explore why it could be helpful to start with the basic premise that we are never going to always meet our child's emotional needs, and why perhaps that's not our job. 

This is a powerful episode full of interesting discussion on the cultural, social and deeply personal experience of mothering and the sacrifice, tension and fierce love involved. Acknowledging that this film can raise challenging, fraught, and sometimes painful responses in viewers, if you find aspects of this podcast conversation raises difficult feelings for you, please reach out for support.


Support lines
Australia - https://www.panda.org.au/ - 1300 726 306
UK - https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/ - 0808 1961 776
USA - https://www.postpartum.net/ - Text “Help” to 800-944-4773 (EN)


Podcast notes: 

Cultured magazine: ‘In the lost daughter mums are people too’ - Mariah Kreutter. 
https://www.culturedmag.com/article/2022/01/13/in-emthe-lost-daughter-em-moms-are-people-too
The Guardian: ‘How The Lost Daughter confronts one of our most enduring cultural taboos’ - Adrian Horton https://www.theguardian.com/film/2022/jan/05/the-lost-daughter-elena-ferrante-maggie-gyllenhaal-motherhood
Winnicott’s theory of A Good Enough Mother
Sara Ruddick; Feminist philosopher and the author of Maternal Thinking: Toward a Politics of Peace
Foucault and Jeremy Bentham’s panopticon 
Melanie Klein;  Austrian-British author and psychoanalyst known for her work in child analysis.

75. Who is the 'bad mother'? Unpacking The Lost Daughter with Julianne Boutaleb

The role of being a Mother offers us the potential for incredible expansion, growth, and power, while also being one of – if not THE – most challenging, undervalued, and taken for granted roles in the world. Motherhood Studies Sociologist, researcher, and single Mother, Dr Sophie Brock hosts The Good Enough Mother (TGEM) podcast with an aim to change how Motherhood is culturally defined and individually experienced. TGEM draws its name from a theorist and pediatrician Winnicott, who highlighted the ways ‘good enough’ parenting is actually what is best for our children – not perfectionism. The podcast centres the Mother as the starting point for conversations with experts and change-makers who are passionate about seeing social, cultural, and institutional change to better support Mothers and therefore our families, and communities.