As long as I remember myself I am of my own mind, at the same time very communal oriented, curios, kind, blablabla, but at 13 it was it, I am here, no excuses, hands on the wheel. I don’t know how to drive a car, never did. And ofc, character development continued, I went through phases, gaming hard, parting hard, loving not so hard, some educational experiences and now.. I am in something, processing, at 31, but psychologically I stay at 13. And I welcome all my sides, and cherish self in any form and switch between easily, but at any crossroad I am at that place of clarity of 13 (1)

I am very sensitive, able to cry on sentiments and feel your subtle nuances, compassion, empathy, tratata. Nevertheless, it is very hard to offend me, if in some circumstances you are sorry or not so sorry, that is on you, and circumstances, but you do you, and me do me. When it is of my choosing I tend to be for weak people, weird, opposition and protests, total leftie, hippy, liberal, green, social democrat, anarcho commie, pirate revolutionary (2)

I have my diploma of state and municipal administration, but I have never worked as public servant, let’s not count student internships. First year of my university was on petrochemical refining program, but I can’t stand math equations, so moved to another uni, for management program. Where, my abilities with words gave me a lot of free time to study what I really wanted, the internet. It was enriching experience, but I had never seen myself in academic or corporate carrier, to work through hierarchy and  that kind of accountability, very limitative. To test my hypothesis, I took a job at a bank for short period of time, and yack, meetings and backstabbing, not worthy of me (3)

In my 13 I hated to eat veggies, basically ate only meat and fast food, cakes and candies, pasta and salads, cheese and ice cream. But in 31, what I consume, it is a complex question, broccoli my friend and vitamins. You develop taste as you eat, but I am not vegan extremist, a moderate one. Also I sort my trash, physical and mental (4)

At 13, I had a question. To smoke or not to smoke. My parents do, and considering my affection towards night life and I have already tried, so cool, and also they say, cigarettes give you addiction, go test yourself. So many years with cancer sticks, but now, I smoke only mary jane. At age of 4 I had a seizure in dentist’s office, doctors diagnosed me with epilepsy, electroencephalography kit on my head so many times, so cool, a big chunk of my childhood and teens I spent on benzodiazepines, but later quit cause what the point, it was one time glitch that never repeated itself and spending time and money on brain stuff is fun, but there are a lot more fun things to do. Today I enjoy going to dentist very much, self-care is nice. But I can’t take any pain and have to be heavily anesthetized, I have high metabolism and meds don’t stay in my blood for long. And at 13 I started to drink a lot of alcohol too, finished ten years later, now I can drink maybe once or twice a year. With other mind-altering substances, I am open to take, but not on regular basis, cause health effects and I am very prone to addiction. And my love, coffee every day, several cups, trying to drink less, but that taste.. I just put two three spoons of coffee grind in my half liter cup and pour boiling water over, a few minutes of waiting and four rocks of ice, now go go go. And speaking of plaqs, how can I mention not, that first they do not affect me in crazy way, never lose my mind or become aggressive, and second I have some will power. For many people plaqs are problematic, so be careful. And, war on drugs, total bullshit, so many dead people and ruined, and value loss, and power abuse, failed states, and corruption, and incarceration, and victim mentality, and unnecessary suffering (5)

I believe in magic, god, energy, you name it. What version exactly..

13/31 or FACTS ABOUT ME
youtu.be/ZFPpJCiMOK8

13/31 or FACTS ABOUT ME.mp3

Who rules the world, you, me, the next person, and who would that be. Lady Lagarde or meta Mark, or some grey cardinal by invisible force moving boxes when you don’t look, or military convoy transporting minerals from sub-Saharan factory, Eritrea and Ethiopia as your droids and wookies in our media coverage, far from Europe, huh 

On behalf of the rebellion, every day I consume post-truth microplastic from independent and unbiased papers, and hysteria, feel you, myself a drama queen, positive vibes, regeneration frequencies.. Let’s ride deep

As Swiss research goes, teens in developing countries are very optimistic on climate agenda, in contrast with gen z of rich states. Why is that, any ideas? Freedom of speech problems and poor education or what choice do we have. And who that choice is making, recent cop27 had great achievement agreement, that someone will dollar the party, yo, but no shame for chateau, and yacht, and jet, and nft, and tennis courts, golf clubs, board seats, fashion shows, olive gardens, parking spots, sporting bets, market turns. All right then. Keep your secrets. But, coffee beans, I enjoy from walking under the table ages, enjoy twice a day, or more, sorry calcium bones and white teeth. May be crispr-gmo plant will thrive in harsh weather conditions, and dues ex machina will dream of electric sheep. Or maybe we will do prevention-mitigation self-regulation and clean energy with affordability-sustainability, and not inequality rise up higher and higher, and not war on climate, not like before, war on terror, cold war, war on drugs, world wars, two-one, industrialization, colonization, reformation, crusades and vikings, carthago delenda est and this is sparta. And may be civilization starts at Ishtar gate, wet and tight, and our homeland caves in Africa, safe space, but both places now, constant cost of living crisis

Before the internet, I thought like Egyptian pyramids are the top of 7 wonders and mask of Tutankhamen wanted! But, being me, being raised on freedom, so questions were asked. What the fuck, where are the dinosaurs and dragons wanna now, why united states have high-tech skyscrapers and united kingdom dark-fantasy castles, what have you done for the revolution. By my national birth certificate I am Russian, by blood also Jew and Zakarpattia Ukraine, by culture of north-west tradition, and my body, juicy meat and immortal soul, so with identity relations, why so serious, who gives a fuck, idk, but ok, probably, a tourist, a capitalist, a local vegan person, with responsibilities, self-respect and all of that

One planet, many states, and all so sovereign, a Lannister always pays his debts and sing The Rains of Castamere on occasions. But positions are different, historical, territorial, economical, of control or moral. We are the good guys, yeah, not an oppressors, not at all. And you, you are right, right? One of us, our tribe, our congregation, our common sense and power structure, our property rights and public goods, social security and civil protest. What an ego trip to play that game, Niccolo Machiavelli is writing the Prince, five centuries of progress and Thomas Piketty writing Capital in the Twenty-First. What a grandiose journey, from feudalism of middle-ages to the middle-class, inclusive institutions, global liberals and youtube videos. But not for everybody, Hannibal, Spartacus, Jesus and El Dorado not to be found, Libyan oil war and Snowden on the run, Assange in jail, Jamal Khashoggi assassinated

And now slavs lives matter, Russo-Ukrainian war, peaceful people die, millions flee, tens lost a lot, hundreds stressed and global turmoil. But politicians are only raising stakes, escalating, and soldiers, if not propaganda victims, what a choice to make, dig trenches and fight or go to prison, a torture camp. And nuclear reactors are back in the menu...

Who Rules The World
youtu.be/M2UIZAcUvNI

Who Rules The World

fame 4 brave & beautiful

With every next day I feel better, so fresh

Being vulnerable is amazing, you have to be tough for it, cause relationship goals are so about Wednesday, attack jokingly, can you withstand me, tolerate and empathize, love me no matter what. And not become defensive and depressed about the way, how one could, but to bear no judgment for being weak, paradoxical and controversial you have to, to be really funny. To be offended you always be, if you let it, slide yourself in that train of thought, obsess and overthink, language of reasoning, group identity, discrimination based on past, history and story, race, ethnicity, sex, gender, abilities, appearances, preferences, logics, labels, religion science, political spectrum, us versus them. Why you make decisions such and such, a mystery. In future of supreme artificial intelligence and wormhole travel, we will solve that puzzle, but for now, I bet on my warm body and delicate emotions. And I cannot escape utilitarianism, objectifying, just cannot, and being aware of fascism, in the room of spontaneity, my sorry is always ready. Aren’t we all driven by invisible almighty, and to be ashamed, thank you conscience. Old ways are not only bold and resolute, but also bloody. Laugh to scorn. The power of man. But we made internet, fucking palantirs in every pocket, in every home. Iphone with us now for fifteen years, young person, full of potential

For what people vote, you and me, our friends. Conservative uniform, strong leadership, something to be proud of, to belong to. But you have to face your mirror, escapism and denial, child of decadence. Pyramids are amazing, mountains build by hand. To fear death is a choice, but to swim is sea of salt, the one cannot. With wolves you live, on wolf you speak. And if global warming is one threat, so aren’t the life itself subjected to chance, pursuit of happiness. And today republic is not the paradise, no question it is the miracle, but not the final form, still to continue and evolve, to include more, the rest, all. And to improve the quality, those elections are far away from democratic, property rights far away from social, media from independent and humans, nature..

You are born and you scream, wanna eat, fuck, sleep and to ride the storm, in each and every game, competition, and around you, uncomfortable weather conditions, high castles with high walls.. but may be god blessed you with tight asshole and big dick energy, so you able to deal nice living standards for self, and may be you are lucky, successful in betting casino. But nevertheless, you are still the same, wanting more and at the same place, of hierarchies, less gifted less fortunate unite to win, outsource some authority to speaking head full of means and ideas. And so, we have game of thrones, clash of empires, national states, political debates, rocket ships and private cities.. 

But do you serve anybody but yourself, with conscience, the length of your sacrifices for abstracts, accumulation of value under the banner.. and what you do with excluded? Exterminate them all or make into slaves, as tradition goes, but the enlightenment, the republic, and yesterday decolonization, and  modern day deglobalization, misleading, let them eat their own. But do you ever fit to the task, to take over the world and be the pirate king, Don Quixote and Robin Hood. Or more like Alice in Wonderland, calmly tripping hard, with prenup about mandate and compensation 

Yo. What the fuck. What the face. What does it mean. Do you love me, want me, like me. Health problem? I have medicine. Mood issues? For that too. We smiled and ate candy together, now it’s over, time is up, why, wy. Is this some kind of a game, you are fucking with me, teasing, testing, how could you not, you are so cool, uach, what the fuck, fuck, ok..

fame 4 brave & beautiful
youtu.be/v4SYLqThClk

fame 4 brave & beautiful

That period, when we don’t know each other yet, some mystery in relationships, trying to look better, bullshiting each other romantically, showing brighter sides and not knowing darker, not knowing reactions to this and that, underwater stones, but of potential, so fresh, so new. Not sitting on your throne, radiating richness and applause about, but on bumpy road, meditative walks and inconsistencies of show

Life fucks you up, but still of your decisions your meanings of things. Not shared and not accepted, but private and wild. And to be for sale, it depends on proposal, but not for a cheap price. And dictionary I use too, but not always follow, to have no humor is to lack a spine. And travelling through your world, in your church, I am a small spoon, but not to piss on your idols, not to fuck with your beauty, how can me not, at least try, and dramatically fail, and expect your grace, to have fun together with some animals and machines

In prehistoric times, kill or be killed, our smart genes survived, and now we have some extra steps, golden coins, dollar bills, internet clicks. We are products of our environment, and if you are not bitchy enough, you really should, it doesn’t happen automatically, I agree to everything, consent to whatever, but be flamy hot desire, exhausted from hard work. And if you are not, someone is oppressing you, conspiring in secret in the backyard of your mind 

It's hard to grasp, but there is a distance between public and private. Hypocrisy and corruption are inevitable, as compromises to reach any results. Business is based on advertisement, on competition for your attention, on your attempts to get a better deal, on you to have knowledge of that service or product. And governments, politicians and media exist not in framework of meaningful actions for you and your skin in the game, but in world of words, representations of things. Dreams come true, by labor, by risk, by force, by law, by news, by chance. And charismatic demagogues are trying to make it personal in your eyes, to unify sources of power under one, to be the face of idea, to become the state, unlimited in sovereignty. But counterfeiters, what kind of research and development do, imitation is not yet innovation, same with empire and republic, there always is a distance between what you think is real and what is actually real. And when you don't let the market to check your mistakes, you accumulate them more and more, and bubble bursts more painfully. But beneath that constant expenditure for power and status, you walk the talk, and if you lie more than you earn or more than others, eventually you will be exposed and many do, shops come and go. And too big to fail fat-cat monopolies lack disruption, and so radiate decay, make mega profits on it, and a lot of people bet on that focus-pocus, to pull out before high water or life is long enough. To live well in that kind of market requires very individualistic approach. The other one always lying to you, but lies are balanced with value, over or under, hype is dead and underdog is top. Otherwise market makes you, street is cold and desert is empty. The more popular and dominant the thing, the more skeptical you are, looking for critique and asking, should it be universal, of future Dreamland, and not in a humorous way, but do you really wanna 

My texts are my kids, and being overprotective, khm, my, but as published, not mine. Let it go, past being past. I am moving forward, going through, if this is for life, I will not escape, but I will not stop trying, challenging my illusions. I like the ride, tailwinds and headwinds, temptations, fuss, buzz, noise, smoke, the fucking. So naïve and enthusiastic for propaganda, provocations and commercials, non-conform post-modern decadence, you have your head on your shoulders, to eat and to swear, and to impose self limitations, for quality reasons or get used to some patterns, want it all, unconditional...

In the flesh
youtu.be/zoacxuPSyzU

In the flesh

Love guidance direction (Compartmentalization)

Prumpumpum…inginging… ismismism… doing my part well, actually, and you, I suppose, and deviations, funny

Being alone, do not disturb, in warm and wet cocoon. But you try once, repeat, want more, addictive, obsessive, uncertain, unconfident sheep, be-be-be. Your grooming programming is fucking up your brain, standing on shoulders of dwarfs or atlantes, go for a walk or smth, be a good boy, do not rat out your loved ones

And about the prophecy, about pursuit of happiness, no matter what. On what side of swimming pool we are. I just retransmit retranslate reblablaate energy of another person. Flying is amazing

But some dogs, without proper education, eat poo. And you see for self, where to divide, acceptable and approvable, normality 

I fear death, risks, not achieving my dreams, not getting what I want, loosing, being lesser, being basic bitch, being ostracized, sin, shame, and fear itself or any negativity at all, pain, suffering, physical or mental disability, uncomfortable position, betrayal, torture, incarceration 

Do you know answers, what is right to do. Or advice, but when I listen? Feel it, touch it, fuck it. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck esthetics, fuck ethics, fuck rules, fuck order, fuck you

Steal and save, and rebel for opportunities… or repeat after knows it better… you are so enthusiastic and effortful, nice… thinking logical, rational, critical, cynical.. lesson learned, less stress, just spending time and getting by, and the rest is just absurd 

Pepe the frog, in slow boiling water, beautiful eyes observing the architecture. Do you benefit from international trade and travel, probably, you are watching this, so. May be you are not vane enough, and feeling punk is cool, a place in market equilibrium for that too. Ah, I don't get it, should meditate more, breathing techniques and Mary Jane, aim for more exotic, less vampiric. There are levels of perfection, environment extremely toxic, even when you don’t see, be prepared, evil enablers give you expectations, I am never ready, but so caring and respectful cause floor is sticky, of your side, but a blessing, god's gifts, I put a lot of effort into positive vibes...

LOVE GUIDANCE DIRECTION (Compartmentalization)
youtu.be/4OZrNz_D8as

LOVE GUIDANCE DIRECTION (Compartmentalization)

This is just absurd

Funny, fancy, fuuuckin amazing. My brain runs on sweet dreams, society too, common knowledge, you tend to forget. How you negotiate with nature, you manage it, and manage self to manage it. I really should take bad service as a joke, and be more self-obsessed  

In your comfort zone, you are surrounded by bright and beauty, smelling so wonderful and no price tags on your vivid dreams, the wildest desires. After white walls of Gondolin, desert, jungle, taiga and tundra, the whole world. If you are not paying attention to Valar’s negligence ignorance, so diablo does, take advantage of your head. As story goes «The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would ever look»

Do you know, in court you can argue and debate, make excuses, justifications. And people judge, but you make decisions all the time, on no smoke without fire

To stay brave and strong, in good terms with benefit of the doubt, to have peace with anger, seek no retribution, but kindness, effectiveness. You are responsible to live in the best of the possible, make the world around in your own image. And in your backpack, your whole life, character and choices, how they affected people, animals, weather. Power abuse is the worst, ye

Freedom of doing what you like and want, goes with liberty to do what is real and right, goes with challenge against the brainwashing of contemporary conventional wisdom. A dangerous path, to go against self-interest and those who love you, rewards are not self-evident, neither guaranteed, but life is one, life is short, and youth is even shorter

You should nourish your vulnerability, embrace frailty and not cosplay hunt for scapegoats. Your relationships with, immune system, cosmic energy, are delicate ones, never in your total control. Taking care means prepare, for rainy day, for next day, for day present. To align self with that voice in your head

And, auch, so often it drives you to the edge of ruin. But that's how you learn who you really are. Where your lines and why they are there. And there is a great case of deliberate less knowing. Just having fun, living simple natural polite, in bliss of day to day spontaneity. When random palace guard screaming on you curses for whatever reasons, and passing by elderly ladies tell you not to take it personally and stay happy

And, ask yourself, do you subscribe to lower standards? Member, betrayal is the way of life, and world is very ancient. Your relations to relationships, feelings, energy, impact, success, property, money, truth, violence, sex, work, drugs, games, friends, family, who and how the fuck are you. Do you doubt everything and don’t look away. Why if you are so emotional voicy, the ice is melting, the caravan moves on, and the prices, the names, the numbers, the fun. Made by and for, a bitch, with all traditional labels. And you are so fresh, a rebel. But still, you are in love, spoiled, and having fun, till it lasts, and asking questions, curious 

A hobbit with a hobby, small object, little thing, moment puff and gone, phenomena. But I am charmed by saturation and complexity, ego and mastery, survival instinct. But abusive or competitive motions, no matter how I am at them, not at my heart. But building together, ridiculous, a hobbit. But but but

And what you do for fun? You have that in you, the desire, the call, the drive, the hunger. Ruthless emptiness. Do you make self stupid and numb, substitute it or try to channel into positives. You learn tricks, of control. And with social likeable fuckable behavior, you can totally forget, that you learned tricks, and behavior. To be safe and nice, get more, most, to be a hero, not a monster. But how much in you, and how aware you, of results and details...

This is just absurd

youtu.be/_eX4cX10rEw

This is just absurd

.music ends abruptly

Chimeras in the air, you excavate and resurrect, to play a game, make some dirty money. In our ideal land, magic is everything. With all the evidence, think of exceptions, and Macbeth. Big cities, global economy, computer chips, internet connection

Show is messy, and difficult, and expensive, and dangerous, and for obvious reasons so random. I take it as an experience, and no fucks given on wuhululu. I want or I do not, but I feel it, and when necessary, have to react to, my preferences shift and what do I know, but real deal

You will never ever live again, and I am so much grateful for being vegan, and dogs, and heritage, and my instincts, bright days, good friends. It's all about people and love, yeah. Russian soul does not wanna to live in Russian Federation. Filthy animals, worthy of praise and gollum gollum. But even if you do everything right and behave with everyone nice, still, genius romantic is everywhere, fucks up your rooms and sources. Suicidal people do suicides, or not so simple, anyhow, who wants to be cool and who listens to intuition 

Capital America on the poster, Bad Lieutenant under the vest, on entire length of the baton, tradition supremacist. Member of some mafia family, and crimes are covered, appearances maintained. Money loves silence, why you are better, should have more. Deep in the footnotes, absolute monarchy, generational wealth and servant industry

You know the words, but what they mean, what you do with your free will, feel pros and cons, making decisions, taking care, finding meaning. A character, trying my way. As honest work, or winner takes it all, a person had a crazy idea, and now people pick sides, start fights, and our brutal regimes involved. Do you choose your talent, your parents, friends and foes, profession and how skilled you are in it. Or your passport, plays great role in your success, terms and quality of life. Even if you are a sorta digital nomad, independent entrepreneur, you are still paying taxes and subject of the law. Even if you are not a profiting participant of politics, or cashing out your social security benefits in any other form, you are still acting in this reality show. Full of bullshit narratives of origin-stories, group-conformity, nation, ethnicity, race, religion, gender, you name a label on which you were discriminated against. As story goes «the growing good of the world…dependent on unhistoric acts..rest in unvisited tombs»

I like it realistic, personal. You do stuff, and now you are something. You do it again and again, and then it’s too massive. Self-irony helps, something about perfect timing, let it go and beauty of ruins. World is big and old, you have your moments, at many places, in seasons, years, cycles, faces replace each other, but game stays the same

There is or there is not, a whole section of you mind for fear, hate and anger, you get what you deserve, and may be to forgive you should feel as a victim no more, but I prefer not to look through bubble of blame and guilt. Some amount of cruelty you have at any action that you take, and some considerations about it have a place, but to focus on that is to fall into a trap of not multi-dimensional, but depressing point of view. There is evil in the world, and some people lost to it, and maybe it is your call to lead them on the path of recovery or punish harshly criminals, but very rarely mine. If it is something that I am not good with, I usually run away, blacklist and forget. Like, people do mistakes, having fun and being stupid. I try to enjoy our situational roles, play for best and better of the moment, approach you as a person on the Earth, with my sincere intentions about what I want from you, honesty about implications externalities and trust space for spontaneity. Our world is very much managed by violence and money, by less observable and constantly growing in complexity norms and function...

.music ends abruptly
youtu.be/vsL6aeMl5eY

.music ends abruptly

PUNK

How comfortable you are, at home. One on one, mirror mirror, love self blindly, no second thoughts or some notes, reflections, the story in telling. I don’t know, my ego is fucking me, from the first sight to the last breath, resilience, joy and hope. Being an idiot and a whore, is self-evident, but a coward, have it in me too 

Take no offence, busy in Narnia da Terabithia, but triggered labeled and all in holy pissing contest, creative tools at disposal. There are billions of us, visitors on the planet Earth, come and go, promising and joking

War between elves is shit. Usually gods finish on suicides, sometimes you die of accident, by negligence, but in today fashion magazines, immortality is out of favor. You can name sadists, maniacs and psychopaths, but even if you count those numbers and tribunal them all, leadership spots are famous. And we all drink that poisoned water, sacrifices are no help. Witch-hunt to forget first, who is to blame – water under the bridge, is it?

Climate crisis, poverty and slavery, economic inequality, institutional violence, patriarchal yackiness or yaminess, one person two-tree-five-and-a-half opinions, mental issues are the issues. Meaning of life, lottery tickets, glory consumption and oppression activities, constructs of mind. Is reality too complex to understand and nature too wild to manage, for you? Decadence hypocrisy, puritan morals, identity politics, copyright laws, criminalizing drugs, do nothing club, moment freeze, let’s see and deal afterwards. Conservatives wanna to conserve and haters gonna hate. It is funny, but such a bullshit

«Do not let yourself be intimidated by the horror of the world», as story goes, at the core we are kind, empathetic and blablabla amazing. Wifi and mp3, movies and lectures, whatever is in your box, invented and made, by people, you are so lucky to have, illusions and anxiety, directional choices and hard work, slow eating of small portions and now 2023, not 1999 or 2007 or 2016, strange, life and poetry, thieves and parasites, part of the crew, part of the ship, no slut shaming, no victim blaming, being shy and demanding, calculating compensation for traumatic, looking for positive in your scam, there is the great difference, appreciate your time properly, repeated patterns and overstepping unpredictably, wheel of fortune in field of wonders, what kind of friends we are, you getting older, aged well, fresh and paradoxical, resistance in your veins, dope as fuck, to force myself into new experiences and let you to support me, terminal bitch. Like if you disagree with me, you are so wrong, and that debate whshuh, I don’t mind to listen analytica critica, learn from your counterpoints, but if we ride together at least ten minutes, two hours or more, why. Smart things or negative, like trendy news or social media, I ask why, suffocating, I take a pleasure in everything, from routinely brushing my teeth to being deliberately tough, but for some things imma actively against, you see the lines, and some are brainfuck, they seem like this is it, but when you approach them right – you eat a piece, and enough is enough, but some are love actually, so beautiful

Disregard for authority, to not obsess over idols, there is the world outside, where norms and rules are different. Think outside of your bubble, live outside of your circle. No shit, value your cage and collar, but beyond, if it is not yours – it is not yours. Governments are about the law, societies are about moral and games are about convenience. Your community at any given moment may be more or less right, and that is something to reflect about. But for your actions, question is – how well it serves your interests, what you get from actions, cost-benefit of risks in conformity…

PUNK
youtu.be/pGt2I9OiCzI

PUNK

Joker arc

Change, entropy, you can’t go back in time. And present pleasure, beauty around, you made it and people like you made it, by doing the hard things first, delaying gratification and not acting on crazy. And you like to be crazy, depend on no one, don’t need to do anything, don’t owe you anything, selfishly use objects or just look at the wall and dream. I want everything that I want, and don’t want everything that I don’t

Hmm, not only ruthless hunger, but to be all the other things. So much more you could be doing..

Don’t forget to take out trash, from your mind and your life. First violent - immediately out, abusive – fast check why and 99% out. But next.. ..watch and listen very carefully, there is meaning of you in life, and that specific action, standing, I tune my psycho for what is happening, from what I get, later or never, cause next step is why me, on some rules and values I live by, ofc I can fit in whatever, but should I? With self-respect, there is a lot of hate, but I have to care, cause if not, thx not. There was a time, when I was not vigilant on cruelty, issues from depression to paranoia, and victimhood or pity, you can't escape totally, but approach with healthy attitude you can, to be happy, confident and intentional. I started with curiosity and warmth as kiddo, and through experimentations enriched my palette, enlarged my zone

Some people play the game of respect the rich, the boss, chain of command, who is better, more important, righteous and delivers more. And some are more of lucky, kind, independent, ignorant to that game 

When you receive bad news, if you manage to resist the toxic impulse, in most cases to troll avoid, often – be cold practical, but in some particular - to let it in, feel slow and full, like you do with good news

I feel myself lucky.. like life is multi-faceted.. I find something interesting, and I am deep, intensive, effective, for special personal meaning, but for life, don’t think so, there is something new on horizon, and eventually I do my best to joke and change… but true love is sticky.. and still, alls are activities, hobbies of sort, and to be judgy and hysterical about, I try not let self.. from time to time, I want to give up, to stop, but just cannot, that hunger.. I tried to fight it, lie to self, make less, stabilize, but nah, happiness, run forest run, so little time you have in that matrix. And for being judgy, picking moral sides, picking rhetoric fights, very funny till it’s not, sorting waste, you do or do not

 I always had doubts, and with Santa, I member writing letters, not for long, at the age of eight, I went from French speaking school to English speaking, my first social anxiety about falling in love and having a bonner. Russian media in 90-s, so free, on sex, drugs and revolution, I wanted to party hard so hard, why to keep my desires in secrets or being ashamed, you are not protecting me, you are oppressing me, what do you mean to wait the age of consent. And ouch, not only age, shit is so deep, and secrets, people lie to each other, and if say truth to you, you shut up. And also those people not all so cool, unprovoked, but to destroy, to hurt, to take yours, should be careful, danger stranger, who to trust and with what, how to behave around barbarians in the room, on the street. I had a few attacks on me in my little ages. Reading «Lord of the Flies» gave me some insights about how to be in the group. And on TV I watched nine eleven, played «Deus Ex» on my first PC and next year «GTA Vice City», I was eleven. At fifteen, I had internet, and yohoho!...

Joker arc
youtu.be/G5dkxL3Ufkk

Joker arc

notxt 1 stupid songs, being lonely, toxic bullxxit
youtu.be/FNnfxZgPTOk

Joker arc

victormigovich

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