Wake up Tuesday time for Dick's Show
Will it be a gunty shit show?
Or a classic for the ages?
Have to wait and hear the rages

Starting strong with Dick & co-host
Mocking mom who lost her mojo
Find out news is coming up soon
Switch from Libsyn link to Youtube

Who's this news babe in the corner?
She's a cutie I adore her
Modest beauty thin and pretty
A/C's cranked it's getting nippy

So you wanna be a news babe? Well here's a little tidbit
No one cares what you say just show a little tit nip
While Vito's fanboying over pedophiles
Your nipples start growing and THE CHAT GOES WILD!

Don't mask it with your hair hun there ain't no need to hide it
Now you're not the only one who's getting quite excited
You got me going "oOOo don't need huge boOOobs
just wanna be hugging you in an ice-cold roOOom"

Your boobies' peaks look like Boogie's teeth
Chiclets gum I want some give this dude a piece
Can we just get married? Why are you avoiding this?
I could be your Larry and you could be my pointy chick

Canuck shitposter seeking arrangement
Check your freedoms at the border leather purses the payment 
No sperm shortage here watch me pump out litres
As we Netflix and chill in my walk-in freezer

You'll be begging "get inside me"
When I take you mountain climbing
Don't need tools with such a nice rack
Use your sharp boobs as an ice axe

My front lawn we're nude sunbathing
'Cause it sure could use aerating
Come inside we'll cook a nice meal
Use your boobs to tenderize veal

Whether you have nice tight lips or saggy ship sinkers
Don't care just get those nips in my fingers
Wear my heart on my suit I've been hurt in the past
So I burned all my chairs now I'm looking to smash

Stacks of chicks massive tits 
old news babe just after nips
E-beef? No I rap that's it
Only nipple rubbing I insist on 
Are yours in my mouth I'm a pacifist
With passive fists won't flaunt my ass crack and spit
On a chick I'll just buy you new spatulas

I won't huff your poo (unless you ask me too) 
Plus I've over 4'9" MASSIVE dude
I won't whisk you away to a drug commune 
You won't ever find a loli poster in my room
A mix between Kian and Sean - quite hunky
Never made a sex tape as a suicidal monkey


I'm well-adjusted I make good choices
What? 200 songs about cucks in dumb voices?
Just a little hobby babe I swear don't got the 'tism
It's just laser focus now it's on your nipples wanna lick 'em
100% safe sex let's do it
My bullet proof vest will protect me while we're screwing

From those full metal jackets in your jacket going BLAM BLAM
Hit me in the heart ma'am now I got my damn hand
Working on my hard glans got you breathing heavy like 
A pandemic get the hand sanitizer 
I'm like Pfizer now you're feeling my effects
Go lay down and have a rest got the chills your nipples wrecked
My leather couch you made a mess bad bitch yeah you're the best
Gotta get this off my chest I keep staring at your breasts
Look at that they're staring back at me baby #feelingblessed

"Two for one? RIP OFF! Damn dude that hurt.
Paid for one tit fuck got two Prince Alberts."

"Met her last Monday took her on a shopping spree
Never came back to suck me off properly"

8 AM met this lady down
at the ATM (for some atm)
Took my 18 grand put it in her hand
Then she switched the plan and that bitch just just ran
It's now 9 pm I'm still waiting ma'am
(You're stupid) did I just get scammed?!?!

I'm a scammer too baby I appreciate the hustle 
But no IOUs for you until I get my suckle snuggles

(Sexy boy) I'll meet you at your place
(We need to go in the shower) Sure babe sounds great

Now I'm tapping that ass and I got her coming fast
Cold shower bent over up against the frosted glass
Diamond tips *squeak squeak* those nips cut deep
Break the glass and my fall in a sudsy bloody heap

Still I have to finish oops leaning on her neck
It was only 9 minutes! How can she be dead!?
I'm wearing leather gloves who's gonna believe me?
So I pick up her phone call Christopher Kiwi

(Based on Tom's Diner DNA remix)

100%

Originally written in 2019 during Ep. 170 with the intention of being the first TDS song played on the same episode that it was about. The show ended up being unusually short that night though so there wasn't enough time for me to finish recording by the end of the live stream.

Sorry, no lyrics written up. The instrumental I used is called Blue Dreams by Kenny Segal.

Johnny On The Spot

---- C.H.A.Y. Online ----

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STREAM/DOWNLOAD

Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift / In Heat (C.H.A.Y. Edit)

I can't podcast 'cause I hurt my arm
I can't get a fish I don't have a barn
I can't drive my truck 'cause my bike has a flat
I can't pet your turtle I'm allergic to cats
I can't go skiing I forgot my snorkel
I can't go pee must've broke my corn hole
I can't tie my shoes 'cause my forehead's sweaty
I can't make a sandwich 'cause I'm outta spaghetti

I'm the Mexican Samuel Jackson - Glass
Bones shatter I'll get fatter stuck here sitting on my ass
Sean can be my Bruce Willis wanna know my true feelings?
I'm committing more self-harm than depressed women
But I don't use a razor to slice my thighs
My weapon of choice? Light exercise
It's a cry for help 'cause I find myself
More and more every week wanting to fire myself
Out of a cannon and into the sun as my patrons' funds 
Take a permanent vacation inflation sucks!
It affects my bottom line which affects how many lines
I can buy and I find it's nice to find the time
To just unwind and by "just unwind" I mean just unwind
All meat inside my arm it's all up fucked like Chris the Kiwi
So now I need a week to lie in bed and touch my weenie

I walked my dog and I broke my foot
I sat in a chair and I broke my tush
I held a sign and I broke my head
Falling apart like a zombie from The Walking Dead
I got a boner and I broke my dick
I swatted a fly and I broke my wrist
I put on shoes and I broke my toes
Then I got 3rd degree burns 'cause I made some toast

Everybody's body's different mine is like a Christmas cracker
Designed to snap and then after you find out the junk inside barely works
Every day I get out of bed and everything really hurts 
Just listen to these voicemails! They're giving me a hard time
Why guys? Not nice :( don't you realize my
Arm bone's connected to my being in the zone bone
Oh no arm broke guess I'll be a no show
No show this week I feel too weak also woozy too much boozing
Bowling's hard don't body shame me fellas and I can't even sun tan man I forgot my umbrella

And now Jim says that I'm fakin' and that Ethan's made of bacon 
And his skin is thin and frying eating pills while also crying
But I promise I'm not lying it's just every day I'm trying
To speed up the process of accidentally dying

Bowling + crosswords shit got crazy
Forgot to let the ball go whoopsie daisy 
Now my arm lumps aren't where they're supposed to be
"Bring that first aid kit and keep it close to me!"
I brushed my teeth and I broke my face
Kicked a ball broke my leg
It hurts and I am NOT OKAY
This Sunday I'll fall down the stairs to my basement 
I've been saving up my Bitcoin for the hip replacement

See you next Tuesday until then you can find me
Double-fisting beer and jerking off at the same time we
Need to be kind to our bodies they're temples
Hey honey could you pick me up a wheelchair rental?
I fell down broke my spine just putting my pants on
I can't move been lying here through this entire damn song
Podcast benefits can't be beaten
I take one sick day get a two week weekend

I can't buy groceries I don't have fleas
I can't take a shower I don't have geese
I hurt all night and I hurt all day
My bones consist of paper mache

I can't bake a pie I'm not Darth Vader
I can't go swimming without my cheese grater
No I can't take the trash out I have a drippy faucet
And I can't believe you can't believe this Masterson logic

I zipped my fly and my balls got caught
I put on gloves and my skin peeled off
I choked to death on a single pea
I broke my teeth on very soft cheese

I tapped my foot and I broke my heel
I dropped rat poison in my meal
I waved hello and blew out my elbow
What can I say? I'm a fragile fellow

I wrote a note and I gouged my eyes
How the hell am I alive?
I pet my dog and I broke my scrotum
Stabbed myself playing Texas Hold 'Em

I shook your hand and I broke my hand
It hurts so much I can't even stand
I'm just a man who keeps getting injuries
Biggest klutz in Mexican history

(instrumental stolen from Matronix -Got To Have Your Love)

No Show

Download available at: https://www.orfium.com/track/494121/dick-show-theme-big-black-pill-mix-ft-not-mike-cernovich-lakembra/

Go and listen to the original Dick Show theme by the talented wauterboi: https://soundcloud.com/wauterboi/the-dick-show-theme-song

This is the ultra rare B-Side which was definitely not recorded by Mike Cernovich himself about the time he spent on The Dick Show. 
I've included the lyrics that he definitely didn't send me. 
It's a real window into the mind of a down to earth, humble and mentally stable individual:

-------------------------
Blue pills, Red pills, Black pills, Fucking shills
Gotta get that money with my cybernetic meme skills
CIA, NSA, DOJ, Shadilay
I'm a fuckin lawyer so be careful what you say

Gorilla Mindset getting every girl wet
Fucking 7's on the reg, I dont even break a sweat
Gotta grab em by the pussy 'cause it feels good man
But you're a beta male so you'll never understand

Delete your account and never post again
You're dealing with the best, a king among men
Got the NSA hookups and the spies on the Twitter
I'm a self made man. Fuck my wife, I 'aint bitter

A sneaky little greek and a prince named Sean
An army of dick heads make you wish youre never born
Got my main man Dick, yeah he would never cuck us
Open up wide I gotta (Black Pill Motherfuckers)
-------------------------
Straight to the top of the board, I'm a rage
I'm a killer and there's nothing left to stand in my way
I'm a Digital Cyberdemon. Full of cyber-semen.
Squirting knowledge in the face of kids who got autism

I like my journalism yellow I'm a cheeky fellow
I'm lugenpressin' 140, sell em all a story
Make it quick, make it gory, make it slick, make em horny
Gotta catch em all and get that artificial glory

Selling million dollar memes, synthesized dreams
Rasterized for the screen by weaponized teens
No one ever thought our numbers could be prescient
Hell, no one ever thought you could meme in a president

Personal, professional, sexual,
Any way you look at it my reputations indestructible
So get in here, don't be queer
Grab your man and down three beers
Everybody say "Yeah!" and get a Dick in your ear!
-------------------------

Dick Show Theme (Big Black Pill Mix) /// ft. Not Mike Cernovich

Luke Warm soundcloud | https://soundcloud.com/lukeswarmer
Collistar soundcloud | https://soundcloud.com/collistarsbs

Collistar - Friday Evening (Prod. Luke Warm)

Coffee Shop Jazz with Sax from Gabriel Dropout.

Plays when "master" the owner of the coffee shop passionately talks about his "house blend" coffee.

Gabriel DropOut Tenshi to Akuma no Character Song & Soundtrack CD

Coffee Shop Jazz with Sax from Gabriel Dropout [ エンジェル珈琲 ]

My interpretation of the original cowboy www.reddit.com/user/chaoscowboy
Lyrics: https://justpaste.it/3alvq
Context: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheDickShow/comments/fbdks1/spending_a_relaxing_saturday_morning_enjoying_a/

Blocked'n Downvoted

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXyPidbxmnc

Coffee Shop Jazz with Sax from Gabriel Dropout [ エンジェル珈琲 ]

squirtfor.me

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