This!🔥 Neurodivergent Life 🥺 Childhood Trauma 💔 cPTSD 😔 Mental Health ❤️‍🩹 ; 🔥

  “If I ever let you down just know that I did all that I could.”

“But here I go . . .
   Apologizing for what’s out of my control”

“I Blame Myself When Anything Goes Wrong.”

 I felt every single word. 🧎🏻‍♀️😢🥺🥀

My expectations for myself are too high for me to ever achieve
I tell myself I'm not to blame but always find it hard to believe
I might look like I've got it all together
But underneath I still deal with the pressure
Despite my best intentions, still question my abilities
Trusting in myself is not as easy as it seems

My confidence is growing but cracks in my self-esteem are still showing
Knowing how to cope doesn’t mean I'm not going through it all in my head
Thinking about everything I should have done instead

But here I go
Apologising for what's out of my control
I've never been the best at letting go
I blame myself when anything goes wrong
When in reality I never could have known
'Cause this feeling never goes away
(Even though I know it's not my fault I still feel the same)
I don't know what makes me feel this way
But it always ends in apologies

I overanalyse my actions way more than I should
And if I ever let you down just know that I did all that I could
'Cause I might not get it right the first time
But trust me when I say that I tried
Most of my time's spent
Trying to keep this up
Trying for those I love
'Cause all I've ever wanted is to feel enough

My confidence is growing but cracks in my self esteem are still showing
Knowing how to cope doesn’t mean I'm not going through it all in my head
Thinking about everything I should have done instead

But here I go
Apologising for what's out of my control
I've never been the best at letting go
I blame myself when anything goes wrong
When in reality I never could have known
'Cause this feeling never goes away
(Even though I know it's not my fault I still feel the same)
I don't know what makes me feel this way
But I'm done with making apologies

Artwork by BIG MOTH (@bigmothonline)
© & ℗ NTHN / eighteenSAINT 2021

Apologies

Girls That Bite

Rollercoaster

Follow $lothboi: @slothboipapi
Follow Nicolas Sales: @nicolassales
Prod. Grayskies

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/LtUeTlERXQM

Lyrics:

[$LOTHBOI]:

STARING AT THE SKY
LOOKING GOD UP IN HIS EYES
ANGELS ALL AROUND ME
BUT THE DEMONS STAY INSIDE

DANCING WITH THE DEVIL
IN THE CLUB I'M ROLLING DICE
REALIZE
DEVIL STILL AN ANGEL
BEAUTY NEVER DIED

WAY ABOVE MY HEAD B*TCH
I BE DROWNING IN THE SAND
FRAYED STRANDS
HOLDING ME TOGETHER
WISH I HAD A HAND
PLEASE
HEAD UP IN THE SKY
WITH MY MIND HIGHER IT ASCENDS
THE END
I BECAME WHAT IMAGINED I TRANSCEND

LATELY I SEE CREATURES SHIFTING
VOICES IN MY HEAD BEAT
CALL THE ONE THAT SHARES MY MIND
MYSELF IN DIFFERENT MEMORIES

SIPPING WINE I FEEL ALIVE
ASCEND I SHINE IN STARRY SEAS

PALACE SO DIVINE I EXIT
FLASHING LIT THEM LIKE A SCENE


[NICOLAS SALES]:

RUN
RUN AWAY
RUN IN PLACE
I CAN’T RUN AWAY
AND I’M BACK WHERE I STARTED
MUST BE A BETTER WAY
INNOCENCE YOU’RE MIXING IT UP
CONFUSED WITH IGNORANCE
NOW I DON’T KNOW WHERE
ALL MY FEELINGS WENT
WHERE MY FEELINGS WENT
YEAH

[$LOTHBOI]:

WAY ABOVE MY HEAD B*TCH
I BE DROWNING IN THE SAND
FRAYED STRANDS
HOLDING ME TOGETHER
WISH I HAD A HAND
PLEASE
HEAD UP IN THE SKY
WITH MY MIND HIGHER IT ASCENDS
THE END
I BECAME WHAT IMAGINED I TRANSCEND

[NICOLAS SALES]:

SKY FULL OF STARS
LOOKING DOWN
THEY’RE ALREADY DEAD
YOU'RE NOT YOUR JOB OR THE VOICES
YOU HEAR INSIDE YOUR HEAD
YOU DON’T HAVE A NAME
YOU DON’T HAVE A PERSONALITY
YOU'RE JUST THE OBSERVER
TRYING TO SET YOU FREE

[$LOTHBOI & NICOLAS SALES]:

I SAW A LIGHT AND FOLLOWED IT
DO YOU BLAME ME FOR ALL OF IT
I’M SORRY THAT I LEFT WITHOUT A BYE
BUT I BE TIRED OF IT

SIGIL IN THE NIGHT
I ABIDE
CAN YOU GUIDE ME RIGHT
EVERYTHING’S CONNECTED
SO IT MATTERS WHEN THE TIMES RIGHT

THROW ME IN THE FIRE
LET THE EMBERS FLOAT AWAY

LET THE FATES DECIDE
IF I’M GONNA GO OR STAY

BURN INTO THE GROUND
AND FEED THE EARTH A BIT OF PAIN

ALL THAT’S LEFT IS SMOKE AND ASHES
HALLOWED BE THE DAY

I SAW
ANGELS
KILL MY
FRIENDS AND
I SAW
GOD PRETEND
HE CARING

Painted Clouds

$LOTHBOI x NICOLAS SALES - PAINTED CLOUDS

Ride or Die

Blank face staring back thru the mirror
Wish I knew where to find another picture
Cold frost lurks through the other window
Damn, I'll never understand how to end up

Try to crash memories but they're all gone
Try to live through the pain but im so lost
Say I cant come back, but ive come up?
What ya say, what ya say, what ya say now?

TAKE MY SOUL
TAKE MY ALL,
TAKE MY ALL, NOW
TIME TO FALL
NOTHER GHOST
IN MY OWN HOUSE

BROKEN MENTAL, IN THE ZONE
IN MY SAFE SPACE -
TRANSFORM, CODE NEVER LEFT ME
NOTHA TASTE FROM THE ORG TRYNA PLACE ME
TIME I GET A FORWARD ON MY OWN PACE

STAY ALONE, ALL THE TIME
DOES IT HELP ME?
FORGOT WHATS ITS LIKE
TO FEEL AGAIN.
TO FEEL AGAIN.
UGH, EY

Blank face staring back thru the mirror
Wish I knew where to find another picture
Cold frost lurks through the other window
Damn, I'll never understand how to end up

Try to crash memories but they're all gone
Try to live through the pain but im so lost
Say I cant come back, but ive come up?
What ya say, what ya say, what ya say now?

I've dug through my pockets, and come up empty...

IDLEGLANCE

I've dug through my pockets, and come up empty... [prod. purc]

Lost in your pretty eyes
I'd rather hold you in my arms
Lying with the love and scars
That bear the pain
Baby you'll never change 
No one to take it all away 
As I'm turning to a ghost 
And I'm to blame

You say I'm to blame now for all of our problems
 According to you I'm just evil in disguise
Tears in the rain, I got a mind full of sorrow 
Loving is pain
 I gave you my trust
my everything wasn't enough
still high off your drugs
a blurry frame of who I was
a dangerous lust
you're poisonous down to the touch 
Now I'm fading to a ghost, and I'm to blame 

Lost in your pretty eyes
I'd rather hold you in my arms
Lying with the love and scars
That bear the pain
Baby you'll never change 
No one to take it all away 
As I'm turning to a ghost 
And I'm to blame

I've been losing touch with the old you
If we keep losing trust it'll happen again
Better off alone in the bad news
Only time will heal the wounds

Started caving in
And i'm admitting it now
Distant memories are haunting more than doubt
Will it be enough 
All While you're rotting in my head
Like a plague of our regret
Hope I'm the same

lost in your pretty eyes
Don't chase tears waiting on me
Wasting life away
Always because of you
The chains are getting loose

My smile is coming down 
I wanna love you now
Begging to see the sun 
Take me for another round
I need her warm embrace
Before I meet the horizon 
I know only time will heal the wounds

Crown Of Sorrow ft. Luke Mara

Heartkiller

EXIT LIFE

Cover art by Sepha.

Lyrics

[s0cliché]
Your sight, your sound on a VHS
coulda let you rest, but I need it tonight
can't let you die quite yet
press rewind, try to turn time back
I know that I'm getting older
wasting the time till it's over
I feet the winters get colder
I put the world on my shoulder
outta the mix
wanted intelligence, wanted the wit
wanted your love because it never slipped
you had a grip on the ones you were with
and my love became an abandonment
my head is no safe establishment
I try to be you, but I'm counterfeit
keep fallin back in and back out of it

from the other side, did your messages send?
did I leave you on read at times?
I can't help but try to find the messages in
almost any damn thing in life

[Sepha.]
We find that we speak on different sides
But our words will always rise above the
Fallen

Think I thought that your dreams 
Were the thread through my seams 
But I still kept
Calling

No i cant speak directly to you
Takes time to find the words to use
But I still try 
Phoning 

No I can’t speak directly to you
Takes time to find the moment to choose 
But I still try 
Phoning 

No signals 
Sent to me
Where am I to go
From here 
X3

We find that we speak on different sides
But our words will always rise above the
Fallen
X2

[s0cliché]
from the other side, did your messages send?
did I leave you on read at times?
I can't help but try to find the messages in
almost any damn thing in life

I find messages in a bottle...
x2

Messages (feat. Sepha. [prod. COBRA.])

s0cliché - Messages (feat. Sepha. [prod. COBRA.])

IDLEGLANCE XMAS SPECIAL
EXLUSIVE RELEASE FEATURING: @sepha-joey @rivilin @s0cliche 
❄️
AMV on YouTube: https://youtu.be/iSXB1gO3Ytc
Prod. by Rivilin & SEPHA.

Lyrics:

SEPHA.:
WINTER MORNING SO COLD IT BITES MY FACE
WE’RE WARM BY NIGHT BUT I FEEL LONGING WHEN I WAKE FROM BED
I'M GONNA DRINK AGAIN
SIP WHISKEY WARM BY ICY WINDS
MY MIND STAYING LONGING
SIP WHISKEY WARM BY ICY WINDS
MY MIND STAYING LONGING
 
RIVILIN:
IT'S BEEN A MESSED UP YEAR BETWEEN
IF YOU EVER FALL, EVER FALL, EVER FALL YOU GOT ME
SMILE ON CHRISTMAS EVE
BECAUSE I GOT YOUR BACK, GOT YOUR BACK, GOT YOUR BACK, BELIEVE ME

S0CLICHÉ:
I BEEN SO LOST ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU VACATE
TURN IT TO A LOSS EVERY CHRISTMAS ANY VACA
SHIT I’M ON A ROLL, I’LL PROBABLY SLIP AWAY HEY
MAKE A MILLION MORE
BUT THAT’S PRESSURE ON THE FRAME AY
SIPPIN' SPIRITS FOR MY SOUL SO NUMB
NO I DON’T KNOW WHERE THESE GIFTS COME FROM
I TAKE IT IT’S THE GRACE OF GOD
BUT I DON’T GOTTA FOOL NO ONE
 
RIVILIN:
SCRAPING OFF THE WINDOW WITH A CREDIT CARD YEAH
I DON’T WANNA LEAVE I WANNA STAY INSIDE WITH YOU
IT'S BEEN A MESSED UP YEAR YOU KNOW I'M STILL ALIVE
I HATE MYSELF BUT YOU JUST KEEP THE FIRE BRIGHT WITHIN ME
 
YOU TRY TO CHANGE THE TOPICS BUT IT DOESN’T HELP
YOU’RE TORN BETWEEN MEMORIES OF A FAMILY BURNT IN HELL
SO TELL ME STORIES OF A CHRISTMAS YOU HAD NO ONE ELSE
YOU GOT ME SO STAY, I WON’T LET YOU COLLECT DUST ON THE SHELF
 
SEPHA. END PART:
THE BELLS RING
THE DRUNK MOON ALWAYS SINGS’ A BUNCH OF TIMES
 
RIVILIN:
IT'S BEEN A MESSED UP YEAR BETWEEN
IF YOU EVER FALL, EVER FALL, EVER FALL YOU GOT ME
SMILE ON CHRISTMAS EVE
BECAUSE I GOT YOUR BACK, GOT YOUR BACK, GOT YOUR BACK, BELIEVE ME

Smile on Christmas Eve

Sepha. x Rivilin x s0cliché - Smile On Christmas Eve

CLOUDED NORTH ☁️
UK Cloud/Emo Rap Artist & Producer

Apologies

NTHN

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♡♡* Loyalty over Love ♡♡*

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Apologies

NTHN

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*♡*♡* Loyalty over Love *♡*♡*

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♡♡* Loyalty over Love ♡♡*