if you knew how much you meant to me, this weight wouldn’t exist.
if you know how much i loved you, you would finally understand everything about me.
i am so stuck on this idea that we will finally be together. that you were just waiting for me to say something and then we will live happily ever after.

every guy that comes and goes is just someone you were distracting yourself with while i gather up the courage to tell you how i really felt.
my fantasies carry me to this land where i will never be hurt by you.
somewhere i can lay in bed with you and play with your hair while you tell me what kind of dog you always wanted.
somewhere i can stare at your finger tips and wonder how even smallest parts of yourself are the most beautifully constructed.

a shared moment of intimacy is something you and i always craved, but only one of us knew it was with another.

i fall into this burrowing hole when my daydreams ends and i realize we will never be intwined.
did you know you were the only one who had ever showed me they loved me?

you loved me despite my flaws and i loved you for yours. you slapped my pleading hand and i happily sat back and asked for another. your brutal strikes became so routine i normalized the stepping stones to your love. “maybe if they hit me hard enough this time, i will be held” 

im not sure what hurt me more, you or the deceptions i made for myself, but can you blame me?
when all you know is ideas of love, the mind fills in the gaps, filled with false promises and unstable foundations. my image of love is one that feels unattainable, whether that be through my own faults or just being unlucky.

one day i hope my self respect returns or one day you realize that it was supposed to be a me and you.

canyoublameme.mp3 (loser monologue remix)

never sober

how is it that
you never once lied in my bed
yet
when you left
it feels just as cold

igaveyouasecondchanceandyoustillfuckeditup.mp3

you said you'd buy it all for me
but i never wanted a thing
you were everything i ever needed 
but these hands of knives still slipped and cut you open
i watched you bleed out
while i said i don't feel a thing
it's reached my sneakers
while i have the audacity to ask
why my shoes are stained
oh, my shoes are stained
was i not ready?
is it the way that i grew up?
it's hard to keep my hands so steady
writing these words i find so cruel
do i not mean the words for you
or do i not feel anything at all
can i please feel anything at all
can i please feel anything at all

i'm sorry, kait.
for all the pain i caused.
i wish it was easy to love me.
when's the last time i felt love at all?

i cut you open and i did all the pouring out

oh, i live here
and this is my home

but this home of mine
is not a home to me
i watched all the paint dry
and moved all the brown seats
but this home of mine
is not a home to me

the silverware that doesn't shine
feels cold against my teeth
i try to say that it's fine
not knowing what it might mean
could this home of mine
not be a home to me?

all the coffee gets burnt
all the sugars gone stiff
and i always get hurt
but, all i can think is "what if?"
what if this home of mine,
feels like a home to me?
what if this home of mine,
feels like a home to me?

This Home of Mine

while i sit in the dark
you still find your way to me
your lips are stained from all the kisses you leave
you always made sure there was enough for me

how can you care so much?
how can you be hopeful?
i left and took my cuts
and acted like it was noble
you always found a way to bandage me
when's it my turn to take care of you?
i know you didn't abandon me
can i act like a parent, too?

can i act like a parent, too?

canyoublameme.mp3 (loser monologue remix)

Erick Castles

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