Better Relationships

HMBM

Soothing and Emotional Self-care

This is for anyone who has conflicts with someone they care about who wants to figure out ways to get out of those conflicts fast and productively. 
It’s about our emotional baggage – specifically the unmet needs from our childhood, and how those block us from being able to see and receive the love from people in our life currently.  I will focus on how to get out of conflicts and pain and move into happiness and get more of what you want. How to better love others and better encourage love back. 

It’s a set of tools to stay out of blaming and resenting and let go of what you think they should do. So that you can empower yourself to get to more of what you DO want – which is shared affection and happiness. 


Hi friends! I’ve been away for a bit because I got hitched! It was awesome and wonderful. And now I’m back!

I will do the usual 3 parts: The What, The Why, The How – the tools. And to be clear – this is about all relationships that involve conflicts between the needs of others and your own. About relationships that involve needs of others and your own – and when those don’t match up. 

For more check out TeaspoonOfHappy.com
Smile peeps! xo

This one’s for Lara from Spain – thanks for writing me girl! :) 


Episode 53: Love Languages: Overcoming Emotional Baggage So You Can Better Receive and Give Love

It’s really hard to stop yourself from helping someone out, doing it for them, giving your time and energy, saying what you said you wouldn’t do again, or diving in head first to a partner – especially when chemicals take over. Because that’s who you are! A giving and loving person! It can feel almost like a commitment to being true to yourself, because when you have all the understanding of someone’s voids – you feel compassion. And even if you didn’t want to try to make them happy or fix something, you feel obligated – mostly by yourself you’re your own inner voice. It’s also because you like them so much and you want to make them happy. 

To fight against this habit will feel wrong, unnatural. And super uncomfortable – and it makes others so happy. It’s a confusing dilemma – to NOT follow your instincts will make you might feel like you’re not being yourself. You want to be loving and give your best for someone you love. It’s a catch-22. And so the flip side of this is you end up doing it all: you’re the saver who comes to the rescue and others will continue to disappoint you on a loop. Like you’re surrounded by children. You end up feeling resentful toward others for not giving you the love and care and THANKS you deserve, but you can’t stop yourself from being there for them and helping them live better lives. It feels good to be helpful.

This end result leaves you and whoever else you are stuck to in life, fighting or empty – battling for love and care and attention. And you’re not asking so much at all – just for a tiny bit of love and support at SOME time in life. Or just for them to not be so destructive. 

This one’s for Ty – great topic! Thank you!

If this helps you in any way, consider making a monthly donation at HelpMeBeMe.com thanks! 


Ep 78: Codependency: I Need to Find Someone Who Will Make Me Whole

This is a power-up episode for anyone facing change that feels too hard or too painful. Take heart and remind yourself that you will do what you need to do when you're ready and in your own time. xo!
Sarah May B.

A Grounding Talk for Confronting What Feels Impossible

This is an episode that I’ve been wanting to write for a while – because it’s something that reminds me of a very confusing and difficult time for me.  When I couldn’t find my voice, or access it. It’s a thing that happens to a lot of people – you can feel the thing you have to say and it’s just stuck inside your body. You can almost hear yourself screaming it, desperately trying to get it out. But your physical body doesn’t move. It’s like witnessing a silent victim trapped behind double mirrors in prison – why can’t they see me? Why can’t they hear me?

Wherever this is coming from – for you, I think I can help give you a bit of a leg up. Because I know how this feels – it’s traumatizing. The worst. Because it’s like you are doing it to yourself, and you are somehow the cause of your own horror – because of the fact that you can’t even stand up for yourself. It sets up a really heavy, powerful loop that compounds a new truth: I am hopeless. I am a liar. I am invisible. I am a coward. No one can see me suffering. No on can help me, including me. 

Wow – that got kinda dark, huh? Well it’s kinda that feeling – a deep, dark where no light reaches. Let’s get to some proactive information shall we? There are 3 parts, the what why and how – the tools.

Help Me Be Me

Ep 88: What to do when you can’t speak your truth

Let’s say you’re not confident, which leads your to focus on others and accommodate their needs solely. Or you have been tipped off balance because there’s someone in your life that you want so bad and you feel like you can’t keep them so you’re doing whatever you can think of to keep them – but that’s creating a cycle where they pull away more. This is for you. It’s a recommended “core workout” in that it’s for regaining your inner strength. It starts with strengthening that relationship with yourself and a bond with yourself. Another term for it would be self-love. 
Heads up - this is an episode I recorded without a script so if something doesn't make sense, leave me a comment and I'd be happy to answer. 
If you liked this, please leave me a review on iTunes! For more of my work check out HelpMeBeMe.com xo

Ep 92: Confidence in Love - A Core Workout

Contrary to popular belief, fights are not better talked out to the bitter end and happiness and intimacy are not the result of more loving couples. It really comes down to how you manage these perpetual fights.  I want to give you the main reasons people end separating or remain happy and together - based a couple different disciplines of research. Because a lot of what is the most damaging, isn’t obvious or calculated by a person. It’s totally accidental. 

When we have the same arguments and we start to get distant, it’s often because we don’t want to fight and we have a sense of dread around a repeated loop, so the distance is like a no-war zone between two foreign cultures. And the SHITTY news is when you get distant, your relationship is actually in the most trouble – because both parties are no longer demonstrating an investment in the bond. This is when you stop identifying as a couple and you start thinking in terms of me, the individual. And with that solo identity you start to focus on goals as an individual and not as a couple. Your focus redefines your past together as crappy – you see things from a personal interest standpoint. So if you guys are feeling distant and resentful, this is an episode for you! 

Caveat: I want to stress that this is NOT for people with abusive partners. Domestic violence is not something that I recommend using these tools for – if you’re in an abusive relationship, my heart goes out to you. If you like this episode, check the Gottman Institute for more! A lot of this is from his work.

For more of my writing and the blog version of this post, check out Yaywithme.com (the blogs will be posted a bit later than the podcasts). 

Book references:
Couples counselor questionnaire:
goo.gl/zWndxG
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
http://amzn.to/2oOqmqP
John Gottman’s most popular book:
http://amzn.to/2o3HxHU
The Gottman Institute – all their good, short articles. 
gottman.com
A book by the creator of Imago:
http://amzn.to/2onby1d
What to look for in a couples counselor:
http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/whattolookfor.php

Ep 93: Relationship Fight Loops and Distance: Why We Lose Access to Intimacy

A practice of getting closer to your original self. Analysis, ambivalence, endless "stuff." Checking, pursuing, not knowing if any of it is right. When will I finally be happy? When I finish this thing? But then there’s that other thing I have to do. Hi friends! This power-up is a set of tools all about trimming out the mental work we create for ourselves and getting closer to your playful, original self. That mental work that seems to go in circles. In favor of something deeper and possibly more rewarding. For more personal play and exploration - here are a few books I enjoyed. xo

Jung on dream analysis
http://amzn.to/2rOrX3U

Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu
http://amzn.to/2s7gwSe

Bodhisattva mind
http://amzn.to/2quH3aQ

Help Me Be Me • Power-Ups

Brain Clutter: Creating Mental and Spiritual Space for Yourself

When we don’t feel safe, we tend to panic. Especially if you lack the innate knowledge that you will be okay. So when external events happen that take our sense of safety away – it can lead you into a state of intense suffering that then deepens into a state of hopelessness. This is when external hardship is really damaging. However – you can foster an innate sense of resilience – by practicing steps and thoughts despite yourself. So if you are in that state, of if you want to preempt it – here are some steps for you to take.

If you want to read more of my writing, to make a donation, and for more helpful resources, check out YayWithMe.com

Ep 98: Resilience for Codependents and Those Experiencing Adult Hardships

A shorthand version of changing a trauma or hurt from a scar into a medal. I’ve covered this in other episodes but I thought it would be helpful in this format - it's condensed for in-the-moment application. I used these steps myself recently and it works!

So this is if anyone has had something really traumatic happen to them that hurts them and you can tell it’s one of those sore spots that makes you cry really hard.  I want you to practice these steps around that experience as soon as it has happened. It will likely have to do with your powerlessness in the face of something excruciating – and your inability to change that. 

For more of my work including the blog version of this podcast, head to YayWithMe.com 

To donate head to Yaywithme.com/donate

Healing a Possibly Scarring Experience Into a Resilience Booster

This is about when life becomes unmanageable – for example there’s a condition that threatens your sanity and it gets to the point that you are in serious discomfort. This is when you are feeling hopeless and overwhelmed and in a state of action-paralysis. When you don’t know how to help yourself, you are in a state of fretting. Feeling overwhelmed and unable to think past how bad things are. So if you are in that state – feeling dread and hopelessness, this is for you. 

Hopefully the short increment will allow it to be applicable to you in those moments – so first things first. I want you to grab a paper and a pen. From this moment right now, you cannot see the solution but no matter how bad things are or have been for a long time – something that will help – exists. Part of the paralysis is believing in the sense of hopelessness because when actions don’t impact your outcome repeatedly, we learn to believe it. We believe it’s hopeless until it’s not. The trick is to take the pain ONE notch down from what you’re in now.

When it comes to really dire, hopeless situations – chronic ones, you need dramatic big change. More than a simple tweak. More than a podcast. You need a big leap. You can’t do this all on your own – you need to involve reinforcements. 

Today’s podcast is dedicated to Catherine. Catherine your donation has literally changed my life – I hope I am able to repay you in some small way.

For more of my work or to make a donation, visit YayWithMe.com xo Sarah May B.

My Life Hurts: When A Problem is Really, Really Bad

Help Me Be Me is an emotional toolkit for creating positive change in yourself. I like to think of it as self-help for people who hate self-help. I'm Sarah May, coach/mom/all-around happy person, and these are the tools that work for me in my life. For all of my offerings you can check out YayWithMe.com What I share is my personal opinion. It's not a diagnosis for treatment or a substitute for professional help. If you're suffering, please reach out to your local emergency services or call 9-1-1. Music theme created by www.BookerHillMusic.com