bloodgirl

blood girl <3

not on spotify

blood girl.

lyrics:
finally quitting nicotine after almost 6 years ive been
sucking down the gasoline lighting up my lungs and feeling
hollowed out  and thrown away living like a rat
and ive been trying to take care of myself  but im no good at that
ive watched all of my dvds and listened to the same songs on repeat and ive been crying more than usual and talking in my sleep
 and ive been neglecting my diary and favoring my phone , and playing new horizons daily cus i cannot leave my home
yeah I’ve been talking to my doctor and psychiatrist and shrink and ive been cleaning up my messes and then messing up again
and ive been reaching out in blindness just to grab somebodys hand and weirdly reaching bottom just to crawl back up again

hadnt rly pictured getting better but i have and i am
just as shocked as grateful tho i know it doesnt last forever 
maybe dealing with the ups and down  is crucial to exist
forgive myself for all those years i feel like i have missed?

holding onto hope onto hope
that the person i was once would be proud of the me thats not doing this alone
anymore anymore 
independancys a bore
reaching out is not a bandaid its a part of growing up

my shrink thinks i have tendencies to believe all the negatives
my brain is always feeding me, and over-sharing actually keeps
me from real vulnerability , and i just let it power me
a puppet to a lifetime of survivors muscle memory
so what if internalise and get depressive and go into
hiding   almost paralysed by this overwhelming urge
to just give up and sleep forever
just give up on getting better
but i am too stubborn to stand down and give up so i betcha

even if im tired even if my feet are sore that i will
walk this spiky road with much more passion than before
maybe getting blisters is a part of moving on
accept myself for all the things i feel like I’ve done wrong?

holding onto past onto past
is the thing holding me back gotta keep keeping on write an awful lot of songs
make some sense of this brain thats been keeping me away
from the things that i want
moving on and growing up
growing up growing up
is the next upcoming stop in this path that i took, tho its scary it is good
letting go,  getting well felt so far away but then
i became someone else  and im braver than back then

Holding Onto Hope

most of what i write about is sadness but i guess
its just an easier emotion to dig into than the rest
theres always layers top of layers of self hatred i can dig thru
whilst the positives just gather dust in corners of my brain goo
 when i go to sleep i watch the dust bunnies like pretty flowers
and i count the sheep while they tirelessly jump around for hours
the night is gorgeous in its greyish blue and i love how calm i feel
when im awake inside this quietness that almost feels unreal

why am i crying?   crying over what?
and my pillowcase is drying with ounces of my snot
i feel like emptiness colliding cus i am bored by everything
but i just want to feel alright ish i dont want to feel like shit
why am i lying?   lying cus of what?
cus i keep telling you i am fine but im actually not
i think its more about my own shit than anybody else
but that doesn’t make it less weird cus then im just lying to myself

im going sorta crazy how bout you are you ok?
i miss my friends and i miss school but time just flies and goes away
i think two weeks are spent now nothings new just laying in my bed
im taking naps to try and sleep until its all normal again
keeping up with   everyone    has been the hardest task
cus back before this quarantine i saw them at their desks
in school we sat out on the balcony and smoked when we felt like it
now the weather is amazing but we’re all stuck in our apartments

why am i crying?   crying over what?
and my pillowcase is drying with ounces of my snot
i feel like emptiness colliding cus i am bored by everything
but i just want to feel alright ish i dont want to feel like shit
why am i lying?   lying cus of what?
cus i keep telling you i am fine but im actually not
i think its more about my own shit than anybody else
but that doesn’t make it less weird cus then im just lying to myself

why am i hiding? hiding cus of what?
cus if i want to go outside  i can do that if i want
but i just dont have a routine now it was pulled out of my hands
and now its expected that i do the things i could but now i can’t
why am i dying? dying over what?
its like stupid how im trying it makes life feel like a job
i am an expert in my own shit  but i miss everyone else
everything is weird now im just lying to myself

Lying To Myself

new version. hope u like it
lyrix:
i haven’t felt like myself for so long
i dont know who i've become
in the meantime
as the world passes by
i’ve been bedridden almost for a month
caught up cabin feber gone
in the meantime
everybodys moving on

i cannot focus and now i am on my own
i am utterly alone   i am left to die again
all my friends all my friends
are so dear but far away  i am cooped up in my bed
dissapearing without trace

the world is caving in around my skull
making me forget that i can talk
making me forget how to reach out
making me forget that im allowed

but i can’t sleep in any longer
i can’t stay like this for life
im not sick enough but sick enough to never be alright
i am wrongly wired  really tired
fighting for my right
to have a little hope that i will someday turn out fine

i haven’t felt happy for so long
i dont know where it has gone
in the meantime
i’ve been sleeping quite a lot
i’ve pretended everything was going fine
so i didn’t have to lie
if somebody asked me  if ive gotten worse

i am sloppy with excuses  always covering my ass
i am scared of getting help
cus what if that shit doesn’t last
im on meds but still depressed
and therapy it didn’t help
so im just tired of the fighting
can i ever catch a break?

i am happy for you happy for you but im so afraid
i am trying i am trying but i want this shit to end
i am lonely i am lonely yet avoiding all my friends
i am scared yes i am scared that i will always be in pain
i am wallowing im wallowing but god it feels so good
i am painfully aware that im not doing what i should
i am tired of it, tired of it, but i still can’t sleep
i am sorry i am sorry that i always feel like shit

In The Meantime

Isolated With A Cause

lyrics:
god it sucks to want to want but  lord I’ve tried and i just dont
i need something to stay afloat, got cinderblocks for feet  i know 
“just try your best” i do i did, im standing on a falling cliff
“just take your pills” i did, i do, how many more until im thru?

this liferaft I’ve been granted is just cardboard and its slanted
and wherever i was going doesn’t matter anymore
its hard to care bout destinations when you’re drowning on the way
so if i hear another “years from now” i swear ill go insane

i miss my shrink i had in 2020, miss the years i left my room
the years where i could give a fuck about the things i feel or do
i miss when i was singing to nobody in my childhood home
when nothing felt performative, and bettering was full of hope

my god thou hath forsaken me, and birds are picking at my corpse
im strung out for you all to see, but all i get is: love this song
im overwhelmingly aware of everything that i do wrong
but how can i change that, theres nowhere to go if i move on

nowhere to go if i move on

and god how could i ever know  how useless it would feel to hope
the more i am disappointed the more i expect the worst i know
“just call the hotlines” oh i did, they told me to just go to sleep
“just call your shrink” and oh i will, but shes sick like she always is

this “bettering” im searching for is nothing but a canker sore
a wound that i keep touching so it cannot ever heal
its something i’ve been wishing since i was just a little kid
but it just hurt to realise the thing i want was never real

i miss the years i wasn’t sick, when i was ignorant in bliss
when i was small enough to play and never think about a thing
where i was on the swingset so convinced that i really could fly
now if i see a swingset  i can’t help but start to cry

my shrink thou hath forsaken me, a month between each useless talk
i keep on eating worthless meds and keep on getting worse and all
i want is to be better but what does that even mean?
i keep on wishing  i will wake up and this all would be a dream

Canker Sore

Victimless Crime

forgive me father i have sinned
its been 2 years since my last album
every song I’ve written since
have been about not writing   i won’t
bore you with the details
i will spare you all the gore
please dont pick my brain for reasons 
why i haven’t written more

i was once a young musician   only 16  full of spark
with promising ambition  i  made  a lot of art
i wore my guitar on my back  no matter where i’d go i took it with
i wrote so many songs and didn’t care that they were mostly shit
in the years since i have wondered , what exactly caused the change
cus at some point in adulthood    writing turned into a pain
now i pick my words with caution ,  i am scared of every verse
perfectionism haunts me with its unproductive curse

i was once a  smaller being  truly hopeful to a fault
i was freshly turned adult yet  still a child inside my heart
the way i felt like i was owed something, a life devoid of pain
the same way everything  turns out alright    before the movie ends
i’ve learned that life  is merely life   just random acts of consequence
i hate to be so cynical  but  thats how i protect myself
from thinking i am owed a good life   just because i was abused
not that i am not, but it is work,   not a decided truth

forgive me father i have sinned
its been 2 years since my last album
every song I’ve written since
have been about not writing   i won’t
bore you with the details
i will spare you all the gore
please dont pick my brain for reasons 
why i haven’t written more

Life Is Merely Life

as long as i am bleeding

lyrics:


im gross
i told you so you know
please dont go
getting up your hopes

cause im used to disappointing
thats what im best at you know
thats my hidden talent
and i will always feel alone
cause no matter what i do i will sink and cannot swim
nothing can hold me up when theres heaviness within so

i will treasure what you said forever forever
but i might not be alive soon cause it never gets better
i will hold your hand one day if you’ll allow it will you allow it?
cause i want to feel the warm of someone who actually cares about me
i will hand you my last letter i will tell you what it said
i will come back in the afterlife when i am good as dead
and i will crawl onto your back and even though i may be heavy
i will sleep there for eternity cause that is where i will feel safest


and i may have fucked up your life already
so it doesn’t matter if im heavy weight
if i dont live up to our promise
i deserve to have you hate me

i would kill myself over and over and over again if that happened
haunt myself for taking everything i had for granted
but life is life right it is nothing more than waiting for a bomb
you live or you give up or die I’ve learned that from my mom

so i will treasure you forever forever forever
cause theres lots of shitty things you took and actually made them better
i will hold your hand one day if you’ll allow it will you allow it?
cause i want to feel the warm of someone who actually cares about me
i can promise you im less than
and you can tell me i dont listen
and i can tell you i think i am shit but still my eyes will glisten
when you tell me things or make me feel like i am almost kinda worth it
i wanna thank you for being my friend
so thanku

Thanku

lyrics:

the thing is
anxiety hurts
cant breathe properly or go outside
act human enough to feel alright
when i want to

and it kills me
that reality is a question mark
my brain is god and i am man
desperate for a fucking answer
and i need it

and i need it


and i do it sloppily
by it i mean living
spend so much time worrying i never do anything
i worry about missing out
on plans i cancel anyways
to stay inside and hate myself
cause i would rather die instead
i hate the shell i hate the play
i hate the words i try to say
the way they stick to my throat
the cars on all the empty roads
the way i want to lay down
in the middle of the street
lay my acne cheek
on the cooling wet concrete

and its bad
but its real

the way i dont believe it when i know that its sincere

cause its bad
but its real

the way i feel when i can’t tell if i am actually here

and i do what i can
but nothing matters
and i reach all my limbs out
but nobody cares
my mom says it is ok to feel shattered
but she doesn't
so she never really gets it

and i do what i can
and does that matter?
or would it matter if i did something more?
cause i hear somebody thru the wall
yelling at their kid
and all my blood it freezes cold 
like i am being hit 

and its fucked
and its so surreal

the way i want to touch someone to feel like i exist

cause it is fucked
and its surreal

to know that i am not the one who made me into this

and i am touched
and it is real

that sometimes i hear voices whispering my name in tears

i like to think   that i believe
that one day ill be actually happy

but i dont
is that ok?
can you hold my hand thru it till i somehow find a way
i really want to
i want the dream
the sweet illusion that one day i will wipe my brain clean

or maybe just let go of what im holding onto
just let go of all the shit i still carry with me

Anxiety Hurts

lyrics:


there is someting and i am waiting
but i am losing my patience
everyday is like im in deep seas
cus i didn’t think i would get this far

im alive now almost twenty
but i died when i was seven
now im zombie  sleepwalking
going off on muscle memory

but all my muscles now is the abuse
how many people get to use and use
until the last drop hits and its too late
just how much pain can one human take

i am tired even sleeping
and i am fucked up from so deep in
i dont think ill get to feel things
that other people do


like loving healthy like kissing plenty like happy wealthy in safe
like dreaming sweetly like feeling free in the brain not evil and pain

and three years ago i said
the reason not to kill myself
was then i could never feel the rain again

hear it drumming on the glass
laying in my bed at last
sleeping just sleeping with no questions asked


but now im older and i know that life has more
no im older and i know to ask for more
i want the things that normal people take for granted
the happy life the safe life the boringness of the enchanted

cus i know that there is something  and im just so tired of waiting
is living even worth it  if all i do is trying not to feel pain  if
i had lived on back then would i have a shot?
do i still have a chance to get all the things i never got?

Almost Twenty

lyrics:

this song won’t write it self instead i yank it out with force
i keep on twisting hoping something gives something like sweet remorse
i dont remember anymore why i now avoid my friends
something just split in me and then i kept on wishing for the end
i had a conflict brewing up, something that felt just like a storm
but now my feelings simmered down and chose to hide and shrivel up
i cannot vocalise my fears i cannot feel when i am mad
i cannot dream about the good i only dream about the bad

hi how are you? i am shit, in fact im getting worse and worse
i want to cry but i feel numb, someone just call the fucking nurse
i keep on hitting what i thought was now the lowest of my low
but then theres something under that, another endless hungry hole
i know you’ll hate me in the end, i feel it come to that at last
i am too needy, im too much, i am like touching broken glass
you cannot care for me enough, and i can’t satisfy my needs
so i will want and i will want and never feel relief
i want to die i want to dig a hole to hide in for a while
i want to sleep until i finally wake up and start to cry
i feel so strung up like a rubberband, two seconds till i pop
but i can’t stop myself from bottling everything up

i am wicked worse and what a curse that is
to be the ever lonely wicked witch
i am so overly involved
but i am still detached
i want to help you but i can’t

I Can't

lyrics:
im 22 soon and time is a line
so i cannot go back  still im too far behind
im like watching everyone move upwards and leave
and im still on the ground floor and can’t move my feet
i am too grown up to ask for ur help
but i am too child like to do it myself
so if i can’t do anything what can i do?
except sleep all day long to not think about all of this 

who 
am i now since you threw me away?
i was a bandaid like i was back then 
im never enough so 
i’ll do what you asked
and i’ll move on
i’ll do my best
to de-attach

and if im 22 soon i cannot be ur kid
and my peers are grown ups 
and i feel like shit
how can anyone grow up 
and just turn out good
if i just had a chance
maybe i could’ve too

theres no future ahead of me
no 5 years from now
if i try to imagine it
i start to cry
i do my best to vision it
but all that i see
is a blank piece of paper
a black empty screen

Time Is A Line

lyrics:
i haven’t felt like myself for so long
i dont know who I’ve become
in the meantime
as the world passes by
I’ve been bedridden almost for a month
caught up cabin feber gone
in the meantime
everybody moving on

i cannot focus and now i am on my own
i am utterly alone   i am left to die again
all my friends all my friends
are so dear but far away  i am cooped up in my bed
dissapearing without trace

the worlds is caving in around my skull
making me forget that i can talk
making me forget how to reach out
making me forget that i am loved

but i can’t sleep in any longer
i can’t stay like this for life im not sick enough 
but sick enough to never be alright
i am wrongly wired  really tired
fighting for my right
to have a little hope that i will someday turn out fine

i haven’t felt happy for so long
i dont know where it has gone
in the meantime
I’ve been sleeping quite a lot
I’ve pretended everything was going fine
so i didn’t have to lie
if somebody asked me  if its gotten worse

i am sloppy with excuses  always covering my ass
i am scared of getting help
cus what if that shit doesn’t last
im on meds but still depressed
and therapy it doesn’t help
so im just tired of the fighting
can i ever catch a break?

i am happy for you happy for you but im so afraid
i am trying i am trying but i want this shit to end
i am lonely i am lonely yet avoiding all my friends
i am scared yes i am scared that i will one day kill myself

In The Meantime (demo)

all i do is sing songs
that nobody can hear
all i do is sing songs
that you dont wanna hear
so why are you here?
holding onto something
with both my arms tied down
im a girl with only bad things
on her mind
so why are you here?
why are you still here?

All I Do

lyrics:

scatterbrained and overeager
pressed like paper  thin and sharp
touch my edges they may cut u
feed my body to the sharks
household rules are always sacred
creaking staircase leads to death
if i dont believe in magic
 ill believe in human pain

monster cans and crumpled paper
notebooks full of pleas for help 
i feel like i just one from coma
3 years down the sewer drain
undiagnosed adhd
feels like falling fast asleep
always seriously joking
always not the enough i see


hi how are u? i am great!
i have finally, oh finally given up on trying
i am flightless like a bird
i am fightless and it hurts
but at least i know now it was all in vain
hi how are u? i am swell!
i have finally oh finally given up on trying
i am flightless like a bird
i am fightless and it hurts
but at lest i know now that it  was all in vain

unequipped for friendships and bad at being human
pressing a bandaid to broken bones
if i can always predict who will abandon me next
i can stay at a distance that will cushion the blow
ill never really get it, i never ever did
so i have finally oh finally given up on trying
i am barely even here
there are no pieces left to shatter
but at least i know now it was all in vain

All In Vain

Full Frontal

Those Days

Eyes

Stoned Alone

Horse Placenta

Hello. I am Blood Girl! 
I am a 26 year old creature that sings about sadness and bettering