originals (2016-2019)

loves

JWTF

empty empty empty speaking loud loud loud

i'll move to france and change my name
if you promise to never call again
this whole problem's eating me up inside like a paper to a flame
i burned so long ago

i think i dreamt of you last night
but i can't really remember
so i'll set fire to november
cause i know i can't forget her
or the things she said

and i saw her last friday
she looks the same as when i met her
except the dark circles around her eyes

maybe she'll forget me someday
like i want to forget
the pain she gave me
the pain she gave me

i think i dreamt of her last night
but i can't really remember
so i'll set fire to november
cause i know i can't forgive her for the things she said

sometimes late at night
i think about how we'd hold hands when no one looked
and how i'd walk you to your next class
and how you'd hit me when i talked about myself
or anything else

the beginning of a different end

for nate, about aiden

i'd never met a flower before in the flesh
but i thought that night with my clothes
soaking wet
from the liqour i'd spilled on myself
there was no way i could ever live with myself
and if this was the way it had to go
at least i knew someday you'd see a pink rose
and you'd think to yourself
he's a godamn mess
and i'd think to myself 
i'm a fucking trainwreck
and someday you'll see a picture of me
one of those that you couldn't bear to delete
and just like me you'd think to yourself
i really hope i see that boy in hell

new years eve
and all you wanted me to do was leave
left me with your friends
while i tried to sober up
and you cried when i wasn't looking
new years eve
and all i wanted to do was leave
somewhere with you
to talk about the future
but now everything's fucked
and i feel like a loser

i took the plane on a tuesday morning
i wished for indiana to be a little less boring
than you'd made it out to be
you told me you couldn't wait to see me
and an awkward first hug made me think to myself
this kid's fucking short and he's adorable as hell
and that night as we laid in bed
talking about stupid shit that ran through our heads
i knew for sure that i could do this again
but i knew for sure everything would go wrong again

new years eve
and all you wanted me to do was leave
left me with your friends
while i tried to sober up
and you cried when i wasn't looking
new years eve
and all i wanted to do was leave
somewhere with you
to talk about the future
but now everything's fucked
and i feel like a loser

i haven't been sober in two months
sometimes i think that i'm in love
with anyone else
but i don't think there's been anyone else but you
i never want to see the stars again
i never want to have to be alone again
i don't want to but i have to just leave you alone
and now i'm scared that one day when i call you might
pick up your phone

new years eve
and all i wanted to do was kiss you
and now i'm lying in bed alone wishing
i didn't miss you
maybe someday you'll forget we met
but just know i've only met one flower in the flesh

pink roses

now i've made up my mind just lately
i've made up the plans to leave behind
the things around that i've kept inside
its not working

and i've noticed a pattern lately
that everything i touch just seems to die
and now i try to just run and hide
i'm still hurting 

and i've been drawing lots just lately
but i haven't seen the flaws in anything
but me
and sympathy
for everyone who gets caught in my crossfire

and i've spent half a year now
on the verge of tears now
just cause nothing feels the way it did before
and i'll spend all of next year
on the verge of tears just
cause i won't be the way i was before
the way i was before

and i've been having nightmares lately
ones where they all take it out on me
it's making me scared of the things that they'll find
scared of losing my mind

and i've been lashing out lots lately
biting at the hands that feed
and running where they'll never find me
i just hope nobody finds me cause

i've spent half a year now
on the verge of tears just
cause nothing feels the way it did before
and i'll spend all of next year
on the verge of tears just
cause i won't be the way i was before
the way i was before

and the bad dreams
all the haunting screams i hear
in the middle of the night

all the memories
and realizing for once i'm a bad guy
this time i'm the bad guy

but i've spent half a year now
on the verge of tears
just cause nothing feels the way it did before
and i'll spend all of next year
on the verge of tears just
cause i won't be the way i was before

so i'll spend all my years
on the verge of tears cause
i know i'll never be who i was before

and i'll spend every day
chasing bad thoughts away
and every night
rehearsing every line i say
in every conversation
trying to keep my motivation
to stay alive

and i'll spend every day
telling myself i'm okay
just like every time before
just like every, every time before

the feeling of knowing it will never be the same

im finding closure in nicotine
and im finding it harder to sleep
cause i keep thinking you're next to me
i'm sure i'll be fine eventually

you make me think of being alone
cause all i did was stay home
laying in bed with my phone
hoping you'd answer my sixth call

i would have died just to hear your voice
never heard me over all the noise
swallowed more pills than i could count
you didn't pick up cause you were with him

i'm finding closure in nicotine
cause you're a coward and won't talk to me 
i've been crying before i sleep
cause i cant believe who you are now
cause of what you used to be

so darling tell me was i something to you
cause i know everything that you've been through
i'm not sad i'm just pissed off
i'm not sad i'm just mad that you're not

i would have died just to hear your voice
never heard me over all the noise
swallowed more pills than i could count
you didn't pick up cause you were with him

i'll find my closure in nicotine
cause you're a coward and won't talk to me 
i've been crying before i sleep
cause i cant believe who you are now
cause of what you used to be

i would have died just to hear your voice
spent the year thinking i had a choice
swallowed more pills than i could count
never picked up cause you were with him

i'll find my closure in nicotine
cause you're a coward and won't talk to me 
i've been crying before i sleep
cause i cant believe who you are
cause of what you used to be

i'll find my closure in nicotine
cause you're a coward and won't talk to me 
i've been crying before i sleep
cause i cant believe who you are
cause of what you used to be
cause of what we used to be

mastery of self destructive coping mechanisms

u ok?

unaware of the earth because its always just below your feet
you're now ungrateful for simple things like concrete
realities in which the rest of them live in
you're so detached now you can't name more than three friends

tried conversation but you just can't sell a joke
tried self motivation but you just can't keep the hope
that someday you'll understand
how everyone can just be okay

~~

he's like a wall that speaks back in fragments
crumbles and falls and no one really misses him
no one ever comes to build him back up again cause
he's not meant to stand he'll just fall down if given the chance

there's a word to describe it but i just can't find it
on the tip of my tongue there's something like
climbing the tallest tree just to find out
you're afraid of heights

~~

when i was younger i knew just how to tie my shoes
as i got older i started slipping them on, so i wouldn't lose
time in the morning to sleep in cause i'd
stay up all night just wishing i would stop breathing

when i was younger i knew how to ride a bike
that time i fell and went to the hospital
was the last time
it's not as easy as just taking off, isn't that right?
wish i wasn't right

he's like a wall that speaks back in fragments
crumbles and falls and no one really misses him
no one ever comes to build him back up again cause
he's not meant to stand he'll just fall down if given the chance

there's a word to describe it but i just can't find it
on the tip of my tongue there's something like
climbing the tallest tree just to find out
you're afraid of heights


maybe someday it'll come back to me
everything i forgot
just to keep my head above
all this self loathing is getting to me
and it's gonna be 
the only part of me left to see

how to tie your shoes (wikihow)

hot mulligan

Hey
I know I just saw you yesterday, but I wanted to say
That I miss you and I am sorry I always have to go
Every couple weeks or so
And I’m sick of the roads
And the tolls that we both have to pay, 'cause I’m always away

I miss the smell of your skin and your clothes
And I want nothing more than to be back at home again
Staying in, getting takeout, or binge-watching HLN
I haven’t slept well in days
I miss waking up, having coffee and breakfast in bed
Sharing showers, and I quit smoking cigarettes
Until I left for tour, now I’m anxious again
and you’re in bed back home, and I’m a total wreck
I'm still a total wreck

I tried to sit still
Made the call and now I’m talking to a voicemail
Left a message
Pay attention to the detail
Overwrought and overwhelmed
Hear me shaking as I exhale
Quivering and sweating out the chemicals
11 hour acid trip when Scott became a ceiling fan, and I am soap
So here I go, carry on alone
So here I go, carry on alone
I carry on alone

I miss the smell of your skin and your clothes
And I want nothing more than to be back at home again
Staying in, getting takeout, or binge-watching HLN
I haven’t slept well in days
I miss waking up, having coffee and breakfast in bed
Sharing showers, and I quit smoking cigarettes
Until I left for tour, now I’m anxious again
and you’re in bed back home, and I’m a total wreck
I'm still a total wreck

good ol mr rags

not used to being the second option
wish i knew just how to stop this
every song i make is so sad
it almost sounds fake
but this is something not even light escapes

wish you'd ask if i was ok
its alright, it wouldn't change anything
my parents think i wanna run away but oh god
there's nothing more i want than to just

stay home
stay alone
i walk around like i'm so angry but i
just can't feel my bones when they break
when they break
and they break
and they break
and they break

i'm losing all my friends again
it's not fine but i'll pretend
i'll stay put
and they'll wonder if i'll come out for summer
but every breath i take is so hard to catch
or catch a break
this solipsism's got me thinking that i'm fine with sinking
the isolation will slowly kill me
but this empty world could never fill me
a bottomless pit that not even light escapes
so i'll
stay home
stay alone
sleep all day 
they say i'm angsty but i'm watching this world erase me
walk around like i'm so angry
but i'm just waiting for the break

walk around like i'm so angry
but i wanna feel my bones when they break

bones

cavetown

Life's alright in devil town
They're right, no one's gonna catch us now
Dad has bought a new car now
We're fine, no one's gonna catch us now
You said something dumb again
She's mad, at least that's what they say
Mum and daddy aren't in love
That's fine, I'll settle for two birthdays
Devil town is colder in the summertime
I'll lose my mind at least another thousand times
Hold my hand tight, we'll make it another night
I still get a little scared of something new
But i feel a little safer when I'm with you
Falling doesn't feel so bad when I know you've fallen this way too
We're all dead in devil town
That's fine, cause nothing's gonna scare us now
We're all in our dressing gowns, mine's white
And stripy yours is green and brown
I forgot my name again
I think that's something worth remembering
Spiders in your favourite shoes
Just leave them be cause they're more scared of you
Devil town is colder in the summertime
I'll lose my mind at least another thousand times
Hold my hand tight, we'll make it another night
I still get a little scared of something new
But i feel a little safer when I'm with you
Falling doesn't feel so bad when I know you've fallen this way too
Devil town is colder in the summertime
I'll lose my mind at least another thousand times
Hold my hand tight, we'll make it another night
I still get a little scared of something new
But i feel a little safer when I'm with you
Falling doesn't feel so bad when I know you've fallen this way too

devil town

i don't wanna be alive anymore
its just there's
too much to be fighting for
i don't want
to go outside anymore
cause it's all
too loud, too bright, too boring

and i don't wanna get in fights anymore
cause they're all
for something i can't care less about
but it still
hurts bad when you call me that
it still
hurts bad when you don't call me back

~~

and you don't wanna talk anymore
and that's cool
cause i still don't know what i'm fighting for
i guess its
the overwhelming fear of being alone
that just so
happens to be all i know

~~

SO TELL ME
IS IT WORTH IT TO YOU
TO MAKE ME
DRIVE A TOTAL OF A THOUSAND MILES
IN A WEEK
JUST TO SEE IF YOU'RE STILL BREATHING
JUST TO SEE IF YOU'RE STILL LEAVING

CAUSE IF ITS
TOO MUCH TO BE FIGHTING FOR
THEN IT'S
NOT WORTH IT TO DENY ANYMORE
I LOVE YOU
YOU LOVE ME
BUT ITS NOT MEANT TO BE
NO ITS NOT MEANT TO BE

DON'T EVER FUCKING LEAVE ME
PLEASE DON'T EVER STOP BREATHING

~~

i don't wanna be alive anymore
its just there's
too much to be fighting for
i don't want
to be alive anymore
i don't want to be in love anymore

the beginning of a different end

justwatchthefireworks