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i just want to be equals, be equals, be equals
without all the feeble attempts to hurt you
because that’s not what i want
but if you needed some space you should have told me
the only thing you told
was butterflies and hold me when it’s cold
to anyone who’s willing to be warm
reacclimate to someone who is better than i was
but i don’t want to think of what he does
no i don’t want to think of what he does

jesus christ, i don’t want to think before i die
i don’t want to be the one sacrificed for what you did 
and oh my god, the doors are closing quicker than i thought
with fear that i’ll become the person that you are
we were just kids
roll call in a home room
then class we didn’t go to
because we’re leaving after lunch
to anywhere that we could sit alone and talk
i only wish that we had known when we were young
that sometimes people want to die
and that’s alright

but is it alright
to spend these six whole months that i thought i was fine
and i know you did everything to just keep me alive
and i know, i know there’s nothing left for you here

i want to be equals, be equals, be equals
i just never imagined a future without you
and i guess that’s my fault

equals

you said okay

saturday dec 14 2013

bubble boy, an insignificant cell on a strangers body. a nobody, with no purpose, but i’ll still find a way to draw parallels to who looks better with their shirt off. now it feels like the world is spinning too quickly and sometimes i just can’t fucking believe that i’m here right now. please, i’m begging you to compare me to someone else. spit in my mouth,  then on my chest. let me taste you so when you’re gone i’ll know exactly what i’m missing. it’s 1am and i want to be apart of you in ways you’ll only bring up when you talk shit on me years later. until then i’ll kiss your stretch marks, and you’ll run your fingers across old scars, and together we’ll repeat 'i love you' until the mirror breaks.

the root of my problems doesn’t have a root at all. it isn’t a string or trail of bread crumbs i can follow back to a single moment. it isn’t a suppressed thought, it’s a voice that convinces me my thoughts are worth suppressing in the first place.

we'll repeat 'i love you' until the mirror breaks

don’t hold your tongue
i know we’re done
i’m not an idiot
there’s no coming back
from where we’ve been
and who we’ve been with
but these are not the people
we thought that we would touch
and i’m scared that if i see you
i’ll start missing you too much

i know i felt like home
a year ago
when this was new
we’ll learn who we are
when we drift apart
when we drift
but when did we become so old
tomorrow i turn twenty four
and i’m still chasing the dreams
we had in high school

now we’re clinging onto objects
that someone else had touched
in hopes that we still smell them
in the fabric and the dust
i took the book you wrote me
and i tore it into shreds
but i still keep it in a shoe box
in a space next to my bed
i want to hold you until i’m empty
and i’ve got nothing left
so when you let me go
could you do it slow

and i’m sorry that i went away
i just needed some time to make
the pain into something
you can hold

july 8th, 2014

you're a mess in public

i'm okay

you can’t ever look past the way that you yourself felt
talk to yourself, well, that’s the meaning of self help
and don’t beat yourself up in the pursuit of self happiness
because half the battle’s asking passionately just what “happy” is
take some time off to self reflect and self measure
sometimes you need to be self centered to understand yourself better
I’m feeling self possessed without the selfishness of self obsession
but if I do this for myself and no one else then it is self expression
self confident in that I’ll never let myself forfeit 
every word I write I’m certain I’m just painting a self portrait
and to all the self destructive people who feel they’ll never be themselves again
just know I understand that self inflicted pain is self defense
so don’t sell yourself short or label yourself as stupid
because when you’ve hit rock bottom every movement is a self improvement

be yourself

well if it seems stupid
you know that you’re on your way
to something much better
forgetting the moments that i’d say
i need you, i can feel it in my heart
and i know that i hate change
but lately its me doing the changing
if i could get back to where i was
i’d show you how strong my mother raised me
and how deep her words embraced me
and how brave the time has made me
and the things we thought were scary 
were just different

you grow out your hair the strength of rapunzel 
sometime in march i’m becoming an uncle
these are the times that i felt so blind to what i’ve done
so now i’m trying to live every day
without the fear that i create 
remember me just as i came
and not the boy who went away

i’m feeling your hands, they’re cold as the ocean
i’ve let myself down more than i’ve noticed
these are the times that i felt so blind to what i’ve done
just know that i’m trying, i’m trying, i’m trying
every single day

but if this has to be goodbye
let it be goodbye.

if this has to be goodbye

if you love me, come clean

to see you alive

fan letters////////

i clung to you hoping we'd both drown

my heart goes bum bum bum

lately i've been feeling tired of everyone i know

someone who will talk about anything

fighting a losing war

where did you go, and what did you do
with all the time you were too scared to move
and what is it like to be by yourself
for three and a half years
for roughly three and a half years
if we could just pretend that i went to college
and that is why you, you haven’t seen me
i wanted to go, but not for this long
i over did it
why did you say that i was one in a million
because i believed it i thought i had something
that you were too scared to lose
so if we could just pretend that i went to college
or traveled abroad and did something different
anything but just sitting at home
for three and a half years
writing song after song after song
so what is it like to be by yourself
and not feel like you’ll die
around everyone else
i thought i was one in a million
well thanks for nothing
yeah thank you
thank you 

if we could just pretend

eight minutes of rendered sound, slow moving textures, and thoughtful tones. taken from old flatsound recordings, these sounds represent a time of healing, a time spent waiting for something i truly believe is worth it. it’s the realization that even my wordless songs are about loving you. meditate to it, the theme is patience.

it felt like a lifetime

i used to sit up in bed
and pray that you would stop
or at least get caught
because it wasn't my sake
it was all of the mistakes
that you made and
couldn't take back

now i miss you a lot
but every time you call
i don't want to talk
at all

happy birthday (i miss you a lot)

you are the coffin

my teachers believe that i sacrificed my grandma to Satan.

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Maigonis Benito