TLC Media

journey of attachment

Rules versus boundaries (and how to break the rules) in both the personal and professional elements of life. Be ready to "Break The Rules" in relationships, professionally and other aspects of our personal lives for FULFILLING, ABUNDANT, HAPPY SUCCESS in love and business.

rules vs boundaries

The comfort zone can keep us trapped our entire lives if we aren’t paying attention. It keeps us locked in patterns that frustrate us and make us feel we’ll be stuck in the same place forever. As a result, it keeps us from living the life we say we want. We say we want change, but fear pulls us back into the comfort zone because it’s safe (and our subconscious LOVES safe!). Our old beliefs keep us stagnant. 

We stay in our comfort zone for five reasons: familiarity, limitation, validation, control and fear of the unknown. Getting out of it is hard, but creating the motivation for change (which we all have the power to do), can lead to the life you actually want!

The Comfort Zone (And How to Get Out!)

Wild Hot Radiant! (actually everyday should be wild, hot and radiant!) We discussed the deep pleasures of being a woman, as they, my two guests Jane Warren and Kate Rouze, shared the innate abilities women have to live from a place of feminine power while bringing forth the true masculinity in men in their lives. 

We can change our relationships by taking care of our needs, instead of being needy, we become an object of desire (whatever you create, you emanate), learn how to go deeper for more pleasure in and outside of your intimate relationship.

Wild!Hot!Radiant!

Do we sabotage ourselves… and if so, do we do it on purpose? Self-sabotage stems from fear, and is a means of keeping us in our comfort zone where everything is familiar and safe. The subconscious often drives sabotaging behavior, so the key is becoming aware of how you’re standing in your own way. Ever notice how you stop something GOOD from happening, even when it’s what you say you want? Maybe it’s a healthy relationship or dream job that you eventually screw up. Why? Anxiety, fear and/or lack of control are usually the cause because the outcome of what you want is new and uncertain.

Let’s look beyond external validation and change the way we perceive opportunity so we can get what we want! We don’t get there by attaching to outcomes; we achieve our goals by surrendering. Getting uncomfortable is mandatory when surrendering to what is, and recognizing the self-sabotage that keeps you stuck right where you are. To get different results, you must do things differently. Listen in to learn how to create different thoughts, patterns and possibilities.

Surrendering Before We Bottom Out and Sabotage Ourselves

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words. Segment #1 is about taking words out of the game. Not only does this work magic as part of manifesting, it also relaxes us, enhances mindfulness, connects us, opens us up, creates peace inside--happiness, can cure some ailments (though I don't claim any specific cures, as I am not in that business), help with weight loss, basically anything you struggle with, this can help!!! (Inspired by Martha Beck "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World)

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words.  Segment #1

A relationship based in attachment is not grounded in reality. You NEED their validation—their attention—them to rescue you from you…you need the intensity, the excitement and the really low feelings too—you want the rollercoaster and you tell yourself whatever is necessary to make it happen. Insecure attachment is painful, want to know where it starts, your style and how to navigate your relationships and life based on it? Listen in.

Attachment: Your Attachment Style And Navigating Relationships

Most people I work with (myself included) are always in a hurry. We are in a rush to mentally “get it” and intellectually categorize so we can move on; check the list then throw it away. As a result, we rashly label other people or situations as bad so we can wash our hands of it and step away. By doing that, we think we solve the problem. We don’t. When looking at someone else as the problem, we’re not really moving forward. We’re stuck. And sometimes you have to go backwards to see how you showed up and what you’ve created before you can release yourself.
 
The problem is, we’re in such a rush to keep progressing forward that we miss the important work that comes from slowing down and looking back. We can’t be bothered, and for some reason, we think forward is always better. Like a car on a track with no reverse. But wherever you go, there you are, and cleaning up the past will propel you forward faster than forcing yourself to get there. Listen in to find your reverse gear. In the long-run, you may be surprised to find it’s actually the shorter route.

Going Backwards To Go Forward

Avoidants tend to keep emotional intimacy at bay because, well, they avoid it out of fear. Most don’t know what it feels like based on past experiences; all they know is that it’s something scary. In a romantic context this usually plays out in one of two ways: avoiding sex altogether or keeping it casual.
 
People who are Anxious, however, have a dilemma. They desire emotional closeness, but have trouble maintaining it in a relationship and hope that by using sex as a substitute, they’ll get what they desire. They are not interested in casual encounters, but may compromise their boundaries to please the other person. The Anxious person does this in an effort to “convince” their mate to commit to a relationship. Sex, they believe, is the lever. If the physical attraction is so amazing, the other person won’t want to leave. This strong desire for intimacy drives them toward behavior that feels completely outside their control. The desire is like a drug, leading to a decreased feeling of value and lowered self-esteem.
 
Whether you are Avoidant, Anxious or a combination of both, the lack of emotional intimacy on both ends keeps the insecurely attached relationship intact. This podcast will help you better understand your sex-intimacy connection, how you can change this dynamic to see why you choose the people you do and how to stop reinforcing your intimacy fears.

Journey of Attachment: The Disconnect Between Emotional And Physical Intimacy

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.
 
I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.
 
The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

Journey of Attachment: Fear of Abandonment

Many people fall into a mental trap when working on themselves. They think, “If I know it, I can change it.” Yes, self-awareness is critical because you can’t change what you’re not aware of, but nothing really changes if it stays at the level of the intellect. When you have a mental understanding, that information fits within your existing belief system, becoming a strategy. Many of us in insecurely attached relationships tend to take this new information and apply it to the object of our desire. We don’t necessarily apply it to ourselves emotionally.
 
Change comes from feeling, not thinking. It’s like listening to this podcast. Either you’re going to take an emotional risk or you’re going to say, “Oh, yes, I get it. That makes sense! Maybe I’ll try that later when it’s safe.” Unfortunately waiting for “safe” means waiting forever. If you don’t embrace the fear and discomfort that comes with emotional risk, you’re just playing a game of mental ping pong. Intellectualizing your life leads to repeating the same things over and over. In an insecurely attached relationship you will go over the same dynamic when you intellectualize or strategize change. And change is an illusion when it remains in someone else’s hands… not your own. 
 
Many of us are willing to take mental risks, but not emotional ones. So what’s an emotional risk? Speaking your truth; showing the real you; expressing what you’ve been repressing; detaching from outcomes. The greatest job, relationship, etc. won’t matter if you mentally manage your life. That isn’t where fulfillment stems from. If you do it emotionally, it will be different.

Journey of Attachment: Why Intellectualizing Change Doesn’t Work

Patterns are like bad habits: very hard to break. This is because they are old, usually developed in childhood as a means of emotionally adapting to situations. They are based on negative beliefs like I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I will never amount to anything, etc. Over time these repetitive thoughts and behaviors run on autopilot, making them even tougher to spot. Patterns are also familiar, providing a sense of safety… even if they lead to what you don’t want. Breaking a pattern means opening yourself up to the unknown, which is frightening. The great thing about patterns, however, is they CAN be changed once you become aware of them.

If you tried to be perfect as a kid, careful never to make a mistake for fear of being punished, you will carry that perfectionism into adulthood, thinking you always need to do better than everyone else. You may think other people are the problem because you do things right and they do things wrong. Even if you become aware of this and try to stop, it can feel impossible because you are trying to address your issue intellectually or by force. You aren’t digging into the deeper feelings that cause your perfectionism, which is where you need to go. Trying to break a pattern strategically is like hitting your head against the wall: you have a headache and the wall is still there. Understanding your fear behind the pattern (i.e. being punished) and actually FEELING it is the key to breaking the pattern.

Patterns Are Difficult. How To Break Them!

Avoidants avoid—that’s what they do! And when they try to avoid pain, they remain stuck in a state of struggle (although they don’t know they’re in struggle). If you are an avoidant, your emotions are often left unbothered and undisturbed. You may go through life believing you’re happy because you have numbed the pain. But if a crisis hits and your emotions are out of control, you compartmentalize them, hoping someday you’ll feel better. You probably isolate yourself or shut down and avoid vulnerability in an attempt to protect yourself from pain. On the surface you look like you have everything together, but inside you’re filled with anxiety from trying to avoid your pain.

If you’re the kind of person who bends over backward for a family member, yet gets frustrated because that person always complains, you may be avoiding a deeper pain. Maybe you don’t like to be criticized or do things wrong… but you don’t know that about yourself because you don’t allow yourself to “go there.” Instead, you bury those feelings and end up lashing out at your relative for being unappreciative. Trying to avoid pain won’t make it go away; it stays inside and creates a different kind of pain.

Your emotions are running the show whether you pay attention to them or not. And when you try to ignore their existence, they can come out in uncontrolled ways. Instead of pretending pain doesn’t exist, or compartmentalizing it for dealing with “another time,” focus on it. The next time you feel yourself reacting, notice where you feel physical pain or tightness in your body. Just feel it. Practicing this will get you used to allowing the pain and you’ll come to realize it won’t kill you. In fact, it just may be the key to your happiness because you can’t feel joy without feeling pain.

Journey of Attachment: How Avoidants Try To Avoid Pain

A lot of us live in our head, disconnected from our feelings and intuition. This podcast touches on releasing insecure attachment, accepting your authentic self and getting “unstuck” by connecting to how you FEEL instead of how you THINK. I’ve been there, and discuss sensitive subjects using my own experiences with a lot of laughs and even more empathy… because we’re all flawed humans.

Going Backwards To Go Forward

Freedom from Attachment