TLC Media

Tracy Crossly

Podcasts

Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love

Rules versus boundaries (and how to break the rules) in both the personal and professional elements of life. Be ready to "Break The Rules" in relationships, professionally and other aspects of our personal lives for FULFILLING, ABUNDANT, HAPPY SUCCESS in love and business.

rules vs boundaries

The comfort zone can keep us trapped our entire lives if we aren’t paying attention. It keeps us locked in patterns that frustrate us and make us feel we’ll be stuck in the same place forever. As a result, it keeps us from living the life we say we want. We say we want change, but fear pulls us back into the comfort zone because it’s safe (and our subconscious LOVES safe!). Our old beliefs keep us stagnant. 

We stay in our comfort zone for five reasons: familiarity, limitation, validation, control and fear of the unknown. Getting out of it is hard, but creating the motivation for change (which we all have the power to do), can lead to the life you actually want!

The Comfort Zone (And How to Get Out!)

Wild Hot Radiant! (actually everyday should be wild, hot and radiant!) We discussed the deep pleasures of being a woman, as they, my two guests Jane Warren and Kate Rouze, shared the innate abilities women have to live from a place of feminine power while bringing forth the true masculinity in men in their lives. 

We can change our relationships by taking care of our needs, instead of being needy, we become an object of desire (whatever you create, you emanate), learn how to go deeper for more pleasure in and outside of your intimate relationship.

Wild!Hot!Radiant!

Do we sabotage ourselves… and if so, do we do it on purpose? Self-sabotage stems from fear, and is a means of keeping us in our comfort zone where everything is familiar and safe. The subconscious often drives sabotaging behavior, so the key is becoming aware of how you’re standing in your own way. Ever notice how you stop something GOOD from happening, even when it’s what you say you want? Maybe it’s a healthy relationship or dream job that you eventually screw up. Why? Anxiety, fear and/or lack of control are usually the cause because the outcome of what you want is new and uncertain.

Let’s look beyond external validation and change the way we perceive opportunity so we can get what we want! We don’t get there by attaching to outcomes; we achieve our goals by surrendering. Getting uncomfortable is mandatory when surrendering to what is, and recognizing the self-sabotage that keeps you stuck right where you are. To get different results, you must do things differently. Listen in to learn how to create different thoughts, patterns and possibilities.

Surrendering Before We Bottom Out and Sabotage Ourselves

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words. Segment #1 is about taking words out of the game. Not only does this work magic as part of manifesting, it also relaxes us, enhances mindfulness, connects us, opens us up, creates peace inside--happiness, can cure some ailments (though I don't claim any specific cures, as I am not in that business), help with weight loss, basically anything you struggle with, this can help!!! (Inspired by Martha Beck "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World)

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words.  Segment #1

Many of us complain about drama, but we're usually referring to others' drama, not our own. So how do we become involved when the last place we want to be is in the thick of it? Well, many of us observed drama growing up, and as much as we say we don't like it or want it, we often help to create it.

As human beings we all have our own perception of reality based on our beliefs; our filter through which we see the world. So when we see and interpret situations, that doesn’t always translate into what someone else sees or experiences. When we don’t feel heard or think we are misunderstood, our communications tends to provoke the other person—whether intentionally or not. As a result, friction can occur and drama is created. 

How do you stop it? Transparent communication and speaking your truth is a good start. Speaking from a place of honesty about how you feel rather than blaming or reacting or indicting the other person goes a long way toward releasing the “resistance stance” against each other.

Drama, What We All Love to Talk About But Loathe to Deal With

It’s amazing how so many of us do not get our true value. When we haven’t learned how to develop it ourselves, we look to others to provide it for us. Throw in the feelings of attachment (“I can't let go” or “I might die”) and it can add up to a lot of excuses about why we don’t take action toward what we say we want. This is a painful place to be. We all feel different, weird or misunderstood at times, and while we are each unique individuals with different circumstances, these feelings are universal. It’s when you need validation from someone else that you’re NOT different, weird or misunderstood, that you stay stuck. Especially when you’re seeking it from someone who won’t give it to you. 

Learn how to gain self-worth and move toward a place of true love and joy, feeling your own value. Because no one can give it to you but you.

Attached? Upping Your Self-Worth To Move On

How often do you put the feelings of others ahead of your own? Maybe more often than you’d like to admit. For me, it started when I was young; my mom’s feelings were always top priority. Then guess what happened down the line in relationships with men? Yep, the same thing. The problem is, we build up resentment when we don’t honor ourselves. We also train people how to treat us. If we put the needs of others ahead of our own, they learn to expect that, which just reinforces the pattern. Insecure attachment rears its head in our adult relationships; we never trust what we feel. Listen to how this showed up  in my life (over and over--you’re certainly not alone), then learn what you can do RIGHT NOW to honor your feelings and break the cycle. I even have a download to reference: Six Steps to Owning Your Feelings. Download here: http://bit.ly/1sK5phq

Ditching Your Feelings? Stop Putting Others' Feelings Ahead Of Your Own

Insecure attachment doesn’t just show up in relationships (although it seems to dominate in this area!). It creates issues in all aspects of our lives, and resistance to change keeps us stuck in it. Moving out of our comfort zone and taking emotionally-inspired action is frightening. This is true for everyone, but particularly for those with insecure attachment because we fear vulnerability and don’t trust ourselves. 
 
The more resistance we have, the more fear builds. And that fear becomes harder to overcome, so we feel even more stuck (fun, huh?). Instead of taking emotional action, we think we can figure things out in our head, strategizing our way out. This leads absolutely nowhere. Trust me, I tried it for years. Actually, it’s even worse than nowhere because you drive yourself nuts in the process, not understanding why all that mental energy has zero effect. You can see how this cycle of resistance, fear and strategizing can take up all your headspace and focus. It’s exhausting, but your subconscious likes it because it keeps you safely away from change. Unfortunately it does nothing for an authentic and joyful life. 
 
I’ve covered many different aspects of attachment and its effects, but it all comes down to breaking through resistance and taking emotionally-inspired action. There must be an openness, walking full frontal into your fear. Until you do, you will repeat the same patterns and believe you have no power to change. You absolutely DO have the power, though. Thinking otherwise is just an excuse to keep you stuck. Isn’t it time you get out of your own way and take action toward the life you want?!

Journey Of Attachment The Mental Blockages That Keep You Safe

People in insecurely attached relationships tend to put their partner on a pedestal, then knock them off every time they do not come through (which is often). This serves as a fantastic distraction from our negative feelings about ourselves, allowing us to focus on the other person and how they keep failing us. We believe the object of our desire withholds from us or punishes us because we are not as good as him or her, but we hope one day we’ll measure up. By all accounts we see them as perfect and ourselves as imperfect, thinking they can do no wrong… until they do. Over and over.
 
When we put people on a pedestal we expect the impossible from them; we want a fantasy to come true. We believe they are so much better than previous people we have dated and have unrealistic expectations of what they will bring to our lives. Unfortunately they let us down, showing us their human flaws. When the relationship ends, we blame them, but it’s really ourselves we have to blame because never had a realistic view of the relationship. We were living in fantasyland. Learn why we put people on pedestals and how focusing on your own feelings is the path to breaking that pattern.

Journey Of Attachment: Putting People On Pedestals

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but. 
 
This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.
 
That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Journey Of Attachment: All About Avoidants

Even those of us who have done work on ourselves have patterns that are difficult to break, especially when it comes to relationships. You’ll have moments when you are emotionally triggered, wondering why you are having such a strong reaction to something seemingly innocent. It’s because it actually has nothing to do with the present; it’s all based on past pain. These triggers are like a time machine, taking you back to that moment (or moments) when you felt alone, not good enough, not important, not loveable, imperfect, etc. It can be especially frustrating when it’s something you thought you had already worked through. But no, there it is, staring you in the face again. 

Dating and being in a relationship challenges you and everything you think you’ve “dealt” with. It brings old emotions to the surface without warning or rational explanation. Old pain will show up when you least expect it (or want it), making you feel like you’re on some twisted emotional roller coaster. I’m here to tell you… you can handle it. Buckling yourself in and allowing the flood of emotions is the path to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. While not particularly fun, you will grow infinitely more by allowing the triggers than if you stay single, safely away from their reach. 

The pain can’t be shoved down forever. It will eventually come up, needing to be healed. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to allow the eruption of feelings, then challenge your beliefs that fuel them. It’s about changing your perspective based on what you know NOW and adjusting your expectations. Old pain lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. By trusting that you can handle it and continuing to love yourself, you will stop being imprisoned by it. It’s a process that takes time, but when you release the pain and challenge your beliefs, the triggers start to lose their power.

The Journey of Attachment: How Triggers Uncover Old Pain

The funny thing with attachment is it doesn’t just affect who you’re attached to, but how it feeds your negative beliefs. The latter creates the foundation for your experiences, creating potential problems for you in the future. This is why I tell people not to leave an insecurely attached romance prematurely (provided there is no danger, of course) because even though the situation will change, the beliefs still exist and these people will have to deal with themselves sooner or later. 

As we grow in self-discovery and awareness, we stumble over the same obstacles. If you were in a yo-yo relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of your life, you would be used to inconsistency. Unless you understand WHY you’re drawn to inconsistency (i.e. you don’t deserve better), you will continue to look for it. Even if you get into a healthier relationship with someone who consistently shows up, you’ll look for any hint at inconsistent behavior, creating problems where problems don’t exist. Maybe he/she texts you every night, but was out with friends and didn’t text you. Your “inconsistency” alert will go off and you’ll blame it on the other person, but you wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t have the belief.  

We focus on wanting something different rather than accepting what we have chosen because we don’t realize we have chosen it—it is unconscious until we’re able to spot it. And that just results in future relationships where we’re on pins and needles, looking for our partner to slip up. So let’s get away from these unhappy surprises and bring some awareness to what is going on, and why we choose what we do.

Journey of Attachment: Unhappy Surprises

When we are insecurely attached, we usually show up as the same person, expecting the same thing from an impossible situation. It’s like that expression: If you want your head to stop hurting, stop banging it against a wall. Somehow we think the headache will go away simply because we want it to (even though we keep pounding away). Why do we do this even though we know it’s illogical? Why are we vested in relationships that never meet our needs?
 
We repeat our past because it’s what we know. Our childhood reactions are carried through adulthood so we equate present situations with the past; the players may have changed, but the characters remain the same. Hence, we show up as we always have and respond the same. These patterns allow us to avoid intimacy because they’re based on an old perspective, one that has roots from years of conditioning. Changing our perception is difficult and scary. What if we have to deal with disappointment, imperfection, loss and other unknowns? Better to stay stuck in a loop of what we DO know, even if it keeps us miserable. Better to keep banging our head. Except it’s not better.
 
If you want to get yourself out of the “same thing, different day” routine, you have to stop hiding out. You have to get uncomfortably vulnerable and uncover your deeper truth, then take different actions. It’s time to put an end to the pain and try different. I’ll guide you.

Journey of Attachment: Same Thing, Different Day

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.
 
I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.
 
The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

Journey of Attachment: Fear of Abandonment

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

Journey of Attachment

Journey of Attachment: The Comfort of Dysfunction

A lot of us live in our head, disconnected from our feelings and intuition. This podcast touches on releasing insecure attachment, accepting your authentic self and getting “unstuck” by connecting to how you FEEL instead of how you THINK. I’ve been there, and discuss sensitive subjects using my own experiences with a lot of laughs and even more empathy… because we’re all flawed humans.