TLC Media

di two

life

Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love

Attach

How Deep Is Your Love (Beegees Cover)

Rules versus boundaries (and how to break the rules) in both the personal and professional elements of life. Be ready to "Break The Rules" in relationships, professionally and other aspects of our personal lives for FULFILLING, ABUNDANT, HAPPY SUCCESS in love and business.

rules vs boundaries

The comfort zone can keep us trapped our entire lives if we aren’t paying attention. It keeps us locked in patterns that frustrate us and make us feel we’ll be stuck in the same place forever. As a result, it keeps us from living the life we say we want. We say we want change, but fear pulls us back into the comfort zone because it’s safe (and our subconscious LOVES safe!). Our old beliefs keep us stagnant. 

We stay in our comfort zone for five reasons: familiarity, limitation, validation, control and fear of the unknown. Getting out of it is hard, but creating the motivation for change (which we all have the power to do), can lead to the life you actually want!

The Comfort Zone (And How to Get Out!)

Wild Hot Radiant! (actually everyday should be wild, hot and radiant!) We discussed the deep pleasures of being a woman, as they, my two guests Jane Warren and Kate Rouze, shared the innate abilities women have to live from a place of feminine power while bringing forth the true masculinity in men in their lives. 

We can change our relationships by taking care of our needs, instead of being needy, we become an object of desire (whatever you create, you emanate), learn how to go deeper for more pleasure in and outside of your intimate relationship.

Wild!Hot!Radiant!

Do we sabotage ourselves… and if so, do we do it on purpose? Self-sabotage stems from fear, and is a means of keeping us in our comfort zone where everything is familiar and safe. The subconscious often drives sabotaging behavior, so the key is becoming aware of how you’re standing in your own way. Ever notice how you stop something GOOD from happening, even when it’s what you say you want? Maybe it’s a healthy relationship or dream job that you eventually screw up. Why? Anxiety, fear and/or lack of control are usually the cause because the outcome of what you want is new and uncertain.

Let’s look beyond external validation and change the way we perceive opportunity so we can get what we want! We don’t get there by attaching to outcomes; we achieve our goals by surrendering. Getting uncomfortable is mandatory when surrendering to what is, and recognizing the self-sabotage that keeps you stuck right where you are. To get different results, you must do things differently. Listen in to learn how to create different thoughts, patterns and possibilities.

Surrendering Before We Bottom Out and Sabotage Ourselves

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words. Segment #1 is about taking words out of the game. Not only does this work magic as part of manifesting, it also relaxes us, enhances mindfulness, connects us, opens us up, creates peace inside--happiness, can cure some ailments (though I don't claim any specific cures, as I am not in that business), help with weight loss, basically anything you struggle with, this can help!!! (Inspired by Martha Beck "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World)

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words.  Segment #1

Essential As Anything

If You Leave Me Can I Come Too? (Remastered)

Vital Signs

Broken Promises

Shake Your Money Maker

She Talks To Angels

We Will Rock You: Cast Album

Another One Bites the Dust (Remix 2003)

If you've been stuck and not able to let go, and want to move on more than anything...this meditation will help you get there. I have added energetic healing into the words and quality of this audio. It is meant for you to feel safe, releasing old negative thoughts and opening up space for creativity. In the meditation you should feel you've reached a space where you energetically are in alignment with what you want to attract. Learn how to bring the meditation into your daily life with one simple tool.

Meditation To Move On And Attract What You Want

Insecure attachment issues are very painful. Some may be familiar with John Bowlby’s attachment theory on childhood development. I talked about these in Podcast #63: Your Attachment Style, and encourage you to listen to it for an overview. Here I take the Anxious/Avoidant style a step further. Based on my own experience, and talking with hundreds of clients, the supposedly rare style of an Avoidant/Anxious/Avoidant is not so rare. This is when an independent person (avoidant) thinks they’ve found their soulmate in another avoidant, then becomes anxious that he/she will leave. This may manifest in choosing someone who likes you more than you like them (how could they possibly leave you?)so even if you have a lack of interest--it gives you something, or trying to rescue/fix someone (how can they leave if they need you?), or any number of different scenarios. The problem is, these relationships keep you avoiding YOURSELF and that’s not a place you want to live. Learn more about this style of attachment and how to break the pattern plus I also cover what true avoidant and true anxious behavior are in terms of characteristics--so you can find your style and do something about it. There’s a lot of info, so listen closely!

The Not So Rare Avoidant/Anxious Attachment Type; Why is it Messing With my Relationships?

Are you avoiding love? It’s likely because you’re afraid of losing yourself; of being engulfed. I’ve spoken before about the Drama Triangle (Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor), developed by psychiatrist Steven Karpman. When you avoid intimacy, it’s easy to become the victim—why won’t he/she love me? And when you’re not in that role, you can quickly slide into being the persecutor or rescuer. But where does the drive to play these roles (and avoid love) come from? The fear of abandonment.

Any position that makes you feel powerless puts you on the Triangle. If you find yourself caught in this cycle, feeling you can’t trust yourself yet unable to let go of this way of operating, listen in to learn one thing you can do right NOW to change it. It’s time to get off the Triangle.

Related podcast:
The Not-So-Rare Anxious/Avoidant

Avoiding And Escaping Victimhood (The rocky road from abandonment)

Insecure attachment and dating. Looking for love when you’re in your head will most likely end in disaster, or at the very least a connection that has very little to do with healthy, happy loving kindness. This podcast offers some tools for those with insecure attachment issues around dating. Have you found a soulmate more than once in a short period of time? Or what about when you finally detach yourself from a toxic relationship and you're just numb? Until… 
 
You meet somebody who brings out those warm, wonderful feelings of anxiety because they're an avoidant. Dating when you have insecure attachment issues leads you down the wrong path--a path many others also walk.

Having the clarity to know if someone is emotionally available (and the ability to turn that mirror on yourself) isn’t an easy task. The key is making yourself available, feeling your feelings and speaking your truth. Doing so will open doors that you thought were walls, and allow you to love and be loved.

Keep Getting The Same Results When Dating? Time To Get Out Of Your Head

Most of my clients have some form of insecure attachment (hence my podcast series dedicated to it!). Whether anxious, avoidant or a combination of both, getting to a place of non-attachment is a major undertaking. When starting down the path, it can feel downright impossible to detach from what someone else does or says… and to achieve an inner feeling of peace. That’s because wherever you turn, you’re attached to an outcome or how you’re perceived. This stuff is insidious! Emotional freedom, peace and happiness ARE possible, but not while remaining in a state of attachment.
 
Let’s be clear about something: we’re not striving for perfection. We’re moving toward a state of awareness and the ability to let go. You want to get to a place where whatever everyone else does is ok because it’s not about you; you’re able to separate and not take things personally. It’s about learning to live and let live because you really DON’T have control. It’s also about taking care of your feelings… honoring whatever they are… and accepting them as part of you. When you stop grasping at the outer drama and internalizing it, an organic transition starts to happen. There is a shift in the way you respond to the outside world because it’s no longer a reflection of what’s inside. The external does not define you. It’s a hell of a road toward non-attachment, but the freedom, love and happiness that await are so completely worth it.

The Road To Non - Attachment

Many of us think we’re complicated; we’re “too much” in certain ways and “not enough” in others. This creates heaviness and struggle because we believe we’re difficult to figure out. It’s really just a mental construct, however, designed to keep our defenses up so we can avoid anything emotionally that might challenge this perception. We THINK we allow people in when we feel a swirl of intense emotions, but that intensity is based on past, unresolved issues rather than the present relationship. These past fears (rejection, abandonment, etc.) create our perception that we are not good enough, yet at the same time we’re too much to handle. It all feels very complicated, like we come to relationships with piles of luggage.
 
Fortunately, this is not the only way to live; there is a choice. To stop complicating your relationships, get in touch with your true wants and desires. This happens at the level of the heart, by the way, not the head. Your head is what complicates everything. When you vulnerably state your desires to your partner and act in accordance with them, the complexity unravels and a sense of ease results. You essentially bulldoze the B.S. you’ve been telling yourself, allowing yourself to be open to the unknown.  
 
My clients tell me all the time they are a lot to handle, which is familiar because I used to say the same thing. When I look at my relationship now, however, there is no “handling” of who I am because I already let go of my old façade. Once I connected with who I was and what I wanted, I was able to surrender, releasing the struggle I had previously created. It’s a shift from living mentally to living emotionally, and while it requires the discomfort of vulnerability, it really is a simpler, more fulfilled existence. We are ALL enough. The complexity we’ve identified with ourselves isn’t real—it’s just a means of avoiding our true selves.

Too Much And Not Enough; How We Complicate Relationships

In an insecurely attached relationship where your needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to think of your partner as the enemy (think about the words you use to describe him or her). On a deeper level, it feels as though he/she is working against you and deliberately making you unhappy. When your partner isn’t giving you what you want, your entire focus is on him/her because you think they are withholding. Maybe they gave you want you wanted at some point, or so you thought, but it wasn’t what you REALLY wanted because you never connected with your own deeper needs. So you were left with a feeling of lack; of not enough. Attachment always goes with lack… along with its friend “blame." When we don’t feel our needs are being met, we have been taught to blame the other person. We build a case against them because we’re not happy, making it a black-and-white issue of one person being “good” and the other “bad.”

When you look at your mate as the villain because they aren’t fulfilling your needs, it is not a partnership. You become defensive and untrusting, operating on autopilot (so you may not even notice what you’re doing). It is a fantastic distraction from your own feelings and desires. For a truly happy relationship, stop looking at the other person as the enemy or as the reason you feel the way you do, and instead focus on what you aren’t giving yourself. If you don’t take care of your own needs (and know what they are), no one else will be able to.

Journey of Attachment: How We Turn Our Partner Into the Enemy

Even those of us who have done work on ourselves have patterns that are difficult to break, especially when it comes to relationships. You’ll have moments when you are emotionally triggered, wondering why you are having such a strong reaction to something seemingly innocent. It’s because it actually has nothing to do with the present; it’s all based on past pain. These triggers are like a time machine, taking you back to that moment (or moments) when you felt alone, not good enough, not important, not loveable, imperfect, etc. It can be especially frustrating when it’s something you thought you had already worked through. But no, there it is, staring you in the face again. 

Dating and being in a relationship challenges you and everything you think you’ve “dealt” with. It brings old emotions to the surface without warning or rational explanation. Old pain will show up when you least expect it (or want it), making you feel like you’re on some twisted emotional roller coaster. I’m here to tell you… you can handle it. Buckling yourself in and allowing the flood of emotions is the path to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. While not particularly fun, you will grow infinitely more by allowing the triggers than if you stay single, safely away from their reach. 

The pain can’t be shoved down forever. It will eventually come up, needing to be healed. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to allow the eruption of feelings, then challenge your beliefs that fuel them. It’s about changing your perspective based on what you know NOW and adjusting your expectations. Old pain lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. By trusting that you can handle it and continuing to love yourself, you will stop being imprisoned by it. It’s a process that takes time, but when you release the pain and challenge your beliefs, the triggers start to lose their power.

The Journey of Attachment: How Triggers Uncover Old Pain

The funny thing with attachment is it doesn’t just affect who you’re attached to, but how it feeds your negative beliefs. The latter creates the foundation for your experiences, creating potential problems for you in the future. This is why I tell people not to leave an insecurely attached romance prematurely (provided there is no danger, of course) because even though the situation will change, the beliefs still exist and these people will have to deal with themselves sooner or later. 

As we grow in self-discovery and awareness, we stumble over the same obstacles. If you were in a yo-yo relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of your life, you would be used to inconsistency. Unless you understand WHY you’re drawn to inconsistency (i.e. you don’t deserve better), you will continue to look for it. Even if you get into a healthier relationship with someone who consistently shows up, you’ll look for any hint at inconsistent behavior, creating problems where problems don’t exist. Maybe he/she texts you every night, but was out with friends and didn’t text you. Your “inconsistency” alert will go off and you’ll blame it on the other person, but you wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t have the belief.  

We focus on wanting something different rather than accepting what we have chosen because we don’t realize we have chosen it—it is unconscious until we’re able to spot it. And that just results in future relationships where we’re on pins and needles, looking for our partner to slip up. So let’s get away from these unhappy surprises and bring some awareness to what is going on, and why we choose what we do.

Journey of Attachment: Unhappy Surprises

When we are insecurely attached, we usually show up as the same person, expecting the same thing from an impossible situation. It’s like that expression: If you want your head to stop hurting, stop banging it against a wall. Somehow we think the headache will go away simply because we want it to (even though we keep pounding away). Why do we do this even though we know it’s illogical? Why are we vested in relationships that never meet our needs?
 
We repeat our past because it’s what we know. Our childhood reactions are carried through adulthood so we equate present situations with the past; the players may have changed, but the characters remain the same. Hence, we show up as we always have and respond the same. These patterns allow us to avoid intimacy because they’re based on an old perspective, one that has roots from years of conditioning. Changing our perception is difficult and scary. What if we have to deal with disappointment, imperfection, loss and other unknowns? Better to stay stuck in a loop of what we DO know, even if it keeps us miserable. Better to keep banging our head. Except it’s not better.
 
If you want to get yourself out of the “same thing, different day” routine, you have to stop hiding out. You have to get uncomfortably vulnerable and uncover your deeper truth, then take different actions. It’s time to put an end to the pain and try different. I’ll guide you.

Journey of Attachment: Same Thing, Different Day

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.
 
I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.
 
The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

Journey of Attachment: Fear of Abandonment

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

Journey of Attachment

Journey of Attachment: The Comfort of Dysfunction

Avoidants tend to be labeled as the bad guy, and because we don’t know we are part of the dynamic, we accuse our partner of being the avoidant one. But when we don’t look at our own avoidant patterns, we stay stuck. Avoidants (whether it is you or someone else) are not doing what they do on purpose. It is on autopilot—the need for distance, fear of engulfment, fear of intimacy and so on. Most of us are not necessarily out to screw someone over. It is byproduct of what goes on inside. Perhaps some avoidants are proud of their distancing techniques, and if they were to stop for a moment and allow themselves to get close, it might seem like they are sticking their hand in the fire.

Insecure attachment issues, whether anxious, avoidant or a combo of both, can leave all parties feeling they want one thing and lack the wherewithal to feel emotionally confident or deserving. Did you ever have a crush when you were young and didn’t know why you couldn’t have him/her? You wanted love (we all do!), but you didn’t know what that meant so you mistook those feelings of attachment for love. They were related to an old pattern, not based in reality.

I used to believe the one who cared less in a relationship had the control. Now that sounds horrible. I want an equal partnership. But my desire for happiness clashes with my old patterns which drive me to avoid by shutting down or putting up emotional walls. When it happens (and yes, it still does), I have to catch it and feel those awful, uncomfortable feelings that make me want to pull away. It’s about finding the thing you’re avoiding and doing it. When walls go up and you want to run away, connect! Please note it is not about getting the other person to do anything; it is a challenge to bring more awareness to all that holds you back from a happy, healthy relationship. You’ll know it’s the right thing to do because it feels uncomfortable. If you want to break these patterns, you have to look at your avoidant tendencies. We all have them to varying degrees, so if you keep labeling others as the avoidant, thinking THEY are the big, bad wolf, you give your power away. When you keep avoiding, things stay the same.

Journey of Attachment: Avoidants Get a Bad Rap

A lot of us live in our head, disconnected from our feelings and intuition. This podcast touches on releasing insecure attachment, accepting your authentic self and getting “unstuck” by connecting to how you FEEL instead of how you THINK. I’ve been there, and discuss sensitive subjects using my own experiences with a lot of laughs and even more empathy… because we’re all flawed humans.