TLC Media

Tracy Crossly

Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love

Tracy talks

Rules versus boundaries (and how to break the rules) in both the personal and professional elements of life. Be ready to "Break The Rules" in relationships, professionally and other aspects of our personal lives for FULFILLING, ABUNDANT, HAPPY SUCCESS in love and business.

rules vs boundaries

The comfort zone can keep us trapped our entire lives if we aren’t paying attention. It keeps us locked in patterns that frustrate us and make us feel we’ll be stuck in the same place forever. As a result, it keeps us from living the life we say we want. We say we want change, but fear pulls us back into the comfort zone because it’s safe (and our subconscious LOVES safe!). Our old beliefs keep us stagnant. 

We stay in our comfort zone for five reasons: familiarity, limitation, validation, control and fear of the unknown. Getting out of it is hard, but creating the motivation for change (which we all have the power to do), can lead to the life you actually want!

The Comfort Zone (And How to Get Out!)

Wild Hot Radiant! (actually everyday should be wild, hot and radiant!) We discussed the deep pleasures of being a woman, as they, my two guests Jane Warren and Kate Rouze, shared the innate abilities women have to live from a place of feminine power while bringing forth the true masculinity in men in their lives. 

We can change our relationships by taking care of our needs, instead of being needy, we become an object of desire (whatever you create, you emanate), learn how to go deeper for more pleasure in and outside of your intimate relationship.

Wild!Hot!Radiant!

Do we sabotage ourselves… and if so, do we do it on purpose? Self-sabotage stems from fear, and is a means of keeping us in our comfort zone where everything is familiar and safe. The subconscious often drives sabotaging behavior, so the key is becoming aware of how you’re standing in your own way. Ever notice how you stop something GOOD from happening, even when it’s what you say you want? Maybe it’s a healthy relationship or dream job that you eventually screw up. Why? Anxiety, fear and/or lack of control are usually the cause because the outcome of what you want is new and uncertain.

Let’s look beyond external validation and change the way we perceive opportunity so we can get what we want! We don’t get there by attaching to outcomes; we achieve our goals by surrendering. Getting uncomfortable is mandatory when surrendering to what is, and recognizing the self-sabotage that keeps you stuck right where you are. To get different results, you must do things differently. Listen in to learn how to create different thoughts, patterns and possibilities.

Surrendering Before We Bottom Out and Sabotage Ourselves

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words. Segment #1 is about taking words out of the game. Not only does this work magic as part of manifesting, it also relaxes us, enhances mindfulness, connects us, opens us up, creates peace inside--happiness, can cure some ailments (though I don't claim any specific cures, as I am not in that business), help with weight loss, basically anything you struggle with, this can help!!! (Inspired by Martha Beck "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World)

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words.  Segment #1

Many of us complain about drama, but we're usually referring to others' drama, not our own. So how do we become involved when the last place we want to be is in the thick of it? Well, many of us observed drama growing up, and as much as we say we don't like it or want it, we often help to create it.

As human beings we all have our own perception of reality based on our beliefs; our filter through which we see the world. So when we see and interpret situations, that doesn’t always translate into what someone else sees or experiences. When we don’t feel heard or think we are misunderstood, our communications tends to provoke the other person—whether intentionally or not. As a result, friction can occur and drama is created. 

How do you stop it? Transparent communication and speaking your truth is a good start. Speaking from a place of honesty about how you feel rather than blaming or reacting or indicting the other person goes a long way toward releasing the “resistance stance” against each other.

Drama, What We All Love to Talk About But Loathe to Deal With

It’s amazing how so many of us do not get our true value. When we haven’t learned how to develop it ourselves, we look to others to provide it for us. Throw in the feelings of attachment (“I can't let go” or “I might die”) and it can add up to a lot of excuses about why we don’t take action toward what we say we want. This is a painful place to be. We all feel different, weird or misunderstood at times, and while we are each unique individuals with different circumstances, these feelings are universal. It’s when you need validation from someone else that you’re NOT different, weird or misunderstood, that you stay stuck. Especially when you’re seeking it from someone who won’t give it to you. 

Learn how to gain self-worth and move toward a place of true love and joy, feeling your own value. Because no one can give it to you but you.

Attached? Upping Your Self-Worth To Move On

A relationship based in attachment is not grounded in reality. You NEED their validation—their attention—them to rescue you from you…you need the intensity, the excitement and the really low feelings too—you want the rollercoaster and you tell yourself whatever is necessary to make it happen. Insecure attachment is painful, want to know where it starts, your style and how to navigate your relationships and life based on it? Listen in.

Attachment: Your Attachment Style And Navigating Relationships

How often do you put the feelings of others ahead of your own? Maybe more often than you’d like to admit. For me, it started when I was young; my mom’s feelings were always top priority. Then guess what happened down the line in relationships with men? Yep, the same thing. The problem is, we build up resentment when we don’t honor ourselves. We also train people how to treat us. If we put the needs of others ahead of our own, they learn to expect that, which just reinforces the pattern. Insecure attachment rears its head in our adult relationships; we never trust what we feel. Listen to how this showed up  in my life (over and over--you’re certainly not alone), then learn what you can do RIGHT NOW to honor your feelings and break the cycle. I even have a download to reference: Six Steps to Owning Your Feelings. Download here: http://bit.ly/1sK5phq

Ditching Your Feelings? Stop Putting Others' Feelings Ahead Of Your Own

With insecure attachment, there is a great deal of drama and struggle, which can actually be addicting. We use this addiction as a distraction to avoid ourselves and our feelings. What’s a common example of drama? The push-pull effect of bringing someone close and then pushing them away. We place demands on others to behave how we think they should, and when they don’t, we tell ourselves it’s ok to run. It’s a pattern, and we become addicted to it because we know what to expect; it’s safe and predictable. Only… we don’t realize it’s a drama addiction because there is always hope that THIS time it will be different. It never is.
 
In an orchestrated drama, we may create distance as a means to intensely crave the other person. Everything becomes urgent, like a drug-induced fantasy of how we want things to be. Can you step outside yourself and see this dynamic at play in your current (or past) relationships? What are you doing to create tension? How are you making yourself “good” and them “bad”? It’s like a soap opera, and the addiction keeps you stuck beyond what you believe you can handle. Continue, and you will realize your biggest fears coming true. To stop the cycle, you have to notice the pattern and take responsibility for your part. You have to face what you’re avoiding, and your desire for something meaningful and fulfilling has to be stronger than your addiction to the drama.

Journey Of Attachment: Addicted To Drama

I used to put so much effort into past relationships because I realized I never felt good enough… or deserving… or having much value. I thought by “doing enough” I could “be enough,” so the effort and the struggle continued for years. I did not recognize that mentally trying to come up with solutions to my perceived shortcomings was keeping me stuck in a merry-go round of pain as an adult. I was thinking about this recently as I was walking and wondered, “Wow, did I EVER feel good enough?”

This belief stemmed from not feeling accepted as a child (something I recognized in hindsight), which pushed me to mentally be somebody else… somebody who I thought would be accepted and deserving of love and attention. I met the demands of others instead of doing what I felt inside. It took considerable effort to be someone else, which carried over into my adult relationships. I thought that’s what I had to do to be accepted; it was my pattern. So I ended up in relationships where I got little to no attention, took on all the burdens, played the martyr and the victim, because that’s what I knew. I would then put forth a lot of effort, which of course got me nowhere, resulting in me beating myself up for not doing enough. I lived in a constant state of self-punishment and need for validation. See how easily this cycle perpetuates itself?   

When you have an internal feeling of lack, there’s an urge to overcompensate. You feel you need to do, do, do instead of just be. And unless you recognize this comes from something inside you, you will continue attracting partners who don’t give you what you need, making you feel like you have to work for their love, then feeling like a failure when it doesn’t work. It’s time you look inside yourself to identify the old beliefs that are running the show so you don’t pass up someone who requires nothing more of you than simply being… you.

Journey Of Attachment: Not Being Good Enough

Feeling your feelings matters if you are interested in a truly fulfilling life and general sense of wellbeing. It’s hard to do because our patterns of thought attempt to “save us” from our emotions. We become overwhelmed by them, which is why we tend to avoid or compartmentalize, keeping our emotions at a distance. Many of us learned this in childhood. When we felt hurt, sad, lonely or unloved, we didn’t want that pain, so we disconnected. And that pattern carried over to adulthood where it has kept us stuck in fantasyland. It’s safer to believe an unrealistic or ideal story than to pay attention to how we actually feel about reality.
 
We live in fear of our feelings, keeping us stuck and unable to move forth. If we fear a situation will bring us pain, we avoid it. This leads to anxiety and discomfort… which just creates MORE feelings of unease. It really behooves you to feel what is there so you can unpack the pain-filled closet and let it go. When you stop resisting your emotions and let them out, it’s like releasing a pressure valve; each time you do it you release a little more pain. If you don’t, it will undermine all of your attempts at a positive sense of wellbeing.
 
Learn how to break the pattern of avoidance and change this dynamic with yourself. If you’re in a painful relationship, or can’t get over a past one, the only way out of the quagmire of negative emotions is to feel them. When faced with choosing to avoid your feelings or allow, always allow. I promise you’ll not only survive, you’ll actually start to see changes.

Journey Of Attachment Feeling Your Feelings

Those of us stuck in attached relationships often believe we are only capable of having painful relationships, but really it’s just an inability to feel our feelings. When you don’t connect with yourself, you crave intensity and drama because it serves as a distraction to what’s really going on beneath the surface. You create drama to avoid your deeper emotions.
 
It’s a roller coaster: periods of numbness to stay within your comfort zone spiked with hits of intensity, pain and drama (after all, numb gets old after a while). You crave that next “hit” so YOU make it happen, even if it’s only in your reaction to the other person. Your perception of reality is viewed through the lens of “this relationship must be painful,” so you act and react accordingly. Intense reactions are usually based on past emotional trauma. When you catch yourself overreacting, it’s almost always an old hurt vs. the present situation. 
 
But both ends of the spectrum—numbness and intensity—mask your true emotions. Look for these ups and downs in your relationships because it can really wake you up to the role you play. It can show you that peace, joy, excitement, fun and other positive states are missing from your life because you’re so focused on numbness and pain. 
 
I know because I lived this roller coaster over and over. I never had the relationship I said I wanted because I avoided the deeper emotions a healthy relationship requires. So I had to dig into my deeper beliefs, and even look at my ability to have a healthy relationship with myself. Learn how to stop the numbness-intensity cycle and all the other B.S. you tell yourself about relationships.

Journey Of Attachment The Numbness - Intensity Cycle In Relationships

Insecure attachment doesn’t just show up in relationships (although it seems to dominate in this area!). It creates issues in all aspects of our lives, and resistance to change keeps us stuck in it. Moving out of our comfort zone and taking emotionally-inspired action is frightening. This is true for everyone, but particularly for those with insecure attachment because we fear vulnerability and don’t trust ourselves. 
 
The more resistance we have, the more fear builds. And that fear becomes harder to overcome, so we feel even more stuck (fun, huh?). Instead of taking emotional action, we think we can figure things out in our head, strategizing our way out. This leads absolutely nowhere. Trust me, I tried it for years. Actually, it’s even worse than nowhere because you drive yourself nuts in the process, not understanding why all that mental energy has zero effect. You can see how this cycle of resistance, fear and strategizing can take up all your headspace and focus. It’s exhausting, but your subconscious likes it because it keeps you safely away from change. Unfortunately it does nothing for an authentic and joyful life. 
 
I’ve covered many different aspects of attachment and its effects, but it all comes down to breaking through resistance and taking emotionally-inspired action. There must be an openness, walking full frontal into your fear. Until you do, you will repeat the same patterns and believe you have no power to change. You absolutely DO have the power, though. Thinking otherwise is just an excuse to keep you stuck. Isn’t it time you get out of your own way and take action toward the life you want?!

Journey Of Attachment The Mental Blockages That Keep You Safe

People in insecurely attached relationships tend to put their partner on a pedestal, then knock them off every time they do not come through (which is often). This serves as a fantastic distraction from our negative feelings about ourselves, allowing us to focus on the other person and how they keep failing us. We believe the object of our desire withholds from us or punishes us because we are not as good as him or her, but we hope one day we’ll measure up. By all accounts we see them as perfect and ourselves as imperfect, thinking they can do no wrong… until they do. Over and over.
 
When we put people on a pedestal we expect the impossible from them; we want a fantasy to come true. We believe they are so much better than previous people we have dated and have unrealistic expectations of what they will bring to our lives. Unfortunately they let us down, showing us their human flaws. When the relationship ends, we blame them, but it’s really ourselves we have to blame because never had a realistic view of the relationship. We were living in fantasyland. Learn why we put people on pedestals and how focusing on your own feelings is the path to breaking that pattern.

Journey Of Attachment: Putting People On Pedestals

Avoidants tend to keep emotional intimacy at bay because, well, they avoid it out of fear. Most don’t know what it feels like based on past experiences; all they know is that it’s something scary. In a romantic context this usually plays out in one of two ways: avoiding sex altogether or keeping it casual.
 
People who are Anxious, however, have a dilemma. They desire emotional closeness, but have trouble maintaining it in a relationship and hope that by using sex as a substitute, they’ll get what they desire. They are not interested in casual encounters, but may compromise their boundaries to please the other person. The Anxious person does this in an effort to “convince” their mate to commit to a relationship. Sex, they believe, is the lever. If the physical attraction is so amazing, the other person won’t want to leave. This strong desire for intimacy drives them toward behavior that feels completely outside their control. The desire is like a drug, leading to a decreased feeling of value and lowered self-esteem.
 
Whether you are Avoidant, Anxious or a combination of both, the lack of emotional intimacy on both ends keeps the insecurely attached relationship intact. This podcast will help you better understand your sex-intimacy connection, how you can change this dynamic to see why you choose the people you do and how to stop reinforcing your intimacy fears.

Journey of Attachment: The Disconnect Between Emotional And Physical Intimacy

Even those of us who have done work on ourselves have patterns that are difficult to break, especially when it comes to relationships. You’ll have moments when you are emotionally triggered, wondering why you are having such a strong reaction to something seemingly innocent. It’s because it actually has nothing to do with the present; it’s all based on past pain. These triggers are like a time machine, taking you back to that moment (or moments) when you felt alone, not good enough, not important, not loveable, imperfect, etc. It can be especially frustrating when it’s something you thought you had already worked through. But no, there it is, staring you in the face again. 

Dating and being in a relationship challenges you and everything you think you’ve “dealt” with. It brings old emotions to the surface without warning or rational explanation. Old pain will show up when you least expect it (or want it), making you feel like you’re on some twisted emotional roller coaster. I’m here to tell you… you can handle it. Buckling yourself in and allowing the flood of emotions is the path to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. While not particularly fun, you will grow infinitely more by allowing the triggers than if you stay single, safely away from their reach. 

The pain can’t be shoved down forever. It will eventually come up, needing to be healed. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to allow the eruption of feelings, then challenge your beliefs that fuel them. It’s about changing your perspective based on what you know NOW and adjusting your expectations. Old pain lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. By trusting that you can handle it and continuing to love yourself, you will stop being imprisoned by it. It’s a process that takes time, but when you release the pain and challenge your beliefs, the triggers start to lose their power.

The Journey of Attachment: How Triggers Uncover Old Pain

The funny thing with attachment is it doesn’t just affect who you’re attached to, but how it feeds your negative beliefs. The latter creates the foundation for your experiences, creating potential problems for you in the future. This is why I tell people not to leave an insecurely attached romance prematurely (provided there is no danger, of course) because even though the situation will change, the beliefs still exist and these people will have to deal with themselves sooner or later. 

As we grow in self-discovery and awareness, we stumble over the same obstacles. If you were in a yo-yo relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of your life, you would be used to inconsistency. Unless you understand WHY you’re drawn to inconsistency (i.e. you don’t deserve better), you will continue to look for it. Even if you get into a healthier relationship with someone who consistently shows up, you’ll look for any hint at inconsistent behavior, creating problems where problems don’t exist. Maybe he/she texts you every night, but was out with friends and didn’t text you. Your “inconsistency” alert will go off and you’ll blame it on the other person, but you wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t have the belief.  

We focus on wanting something different rather than accepting what we have chosen because we don’t realize we have chosen it—it is unconscious until we’re able to spot it. And that just results in future relationships where we’re on pins and needles, looking for our partner to slip up. So let’s get away from these unhappy surprises and bring some awareness to what is going on, and why we choose what we do.

Journey of Attachment: Unhappy Surprises

When we are insecurely attached, we usually show up as the same person, expecting the same thing from an impossible situation. It’s like that expression: If you want your head to stop hurting, stop banging it against a wall. Somehow we think the headache will go away simply because we want it to (even though we keep pounding away). Why do we do this even though we know it’s illogical? Why are we vested in relationships that never meet our needs?
 
We repeat our past because it’s what we know. Our childhood reactions are carried through adulthood so we equate present situations with the past; the players may have changed, but the characters remain the same. Hence, we show up as we always have and respond the same. These patterns allow us to avoid intimacy because they’re based on an old perspective, one that has roots from years of conditioning. Changing our perception is difficult and scary. What if we have to deal with disappointment, imperfection, loss and other unknowns? Better to stay stuck in a loop of what we DO know, even if it keeps us miserable. Better to keep banging our head. Except it’s not better.
 
If you want to get yourself out of the “same thing, different day” routine, you have to stop hiding out. You have to get uncomfortably vulnerable and uncover your deeper truth, then take different actions. It’s time to put an end to the pain and try different. I’ll guide you.

Journey of Attachment: Same Thing, Different Day

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.
 
I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.
 
The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

Journey of Attachment: Fear of Abandonment

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

Journey of Attachment

Journey of Attachment: The Comfort of Dysfunction

Patterns are like bad habits: very hard to break. This is because they are old, usually developed in childhood as a means of emotionally adapting to situations. They are based on negative beliefs like I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I will never amount to anything, etc. Over time these repetitive thoughts and behaviors run on autopilot, making them even tougher to spot. Patterns are also familiar, providing a sense of safety… even if they lead to what you don’t want. Breaking a pattern means opening yourself up to the unknown, which is frightening. The great thing about patterns, however, is they CAN be changed once you become aware of them.

If you tried to be perfect as a kid, careful never to make a mistake for fear of being punished, you will carry that perfectionism into adulthood, thinking you always need to do better than everyone else. You may think other people are the problem because you do things right and they do things wrong. Even if you become aware of this and try to stop, it can feel impossible because you are trying to address your issue intellectually or by force. You aren’t digging into the deeper feelings that cause your perfectionism, which is where you need to go. Trying to break a pattern strategically is like hitting your head against the wall: you have a headache and the wall is still there. Understanding your fear behind the pattern (i.e. being punished) and actually FEELING it is the key to breaking the pattern.

Patterns Are Difficult. How To Break Them!

Avoidants avoid—that’s what they do! And when they try to avoid pain, they remain stuck in a state of struggle (although they don’t know they’re in struggle). If you are an avoidant, your emotions are often left unbothered and undisturbed. You may go through life believing you’re happy because you have numbed the pain. But if a crisis hits and your emotions are out of control, you compartmentalize them, hoping someday you’ll feel better. You probably isolate yourself or shut down and avoid vulnerability in an attempt to protect yourself from pain. On the surface you look like you have everything together, but inside you’re filled with anxiety from trying to avoid your pain.

If you’re the kind of person who bends over backward for a family member, yet gets frustrated because that person always complains, you may be avoiding a deeper pain. Maybe you don’t like to be criticized or do things wrong… but you don’t know that about yourself because you don’t allow yourself to “go there.” Instead, you bury those feelings and end up lashing out at your relative for being unappreciative. Trying to avoid pain won’t make it go away; it stays inside and creates a different kind of pain.

Your emotions are running the show whether you pay attention to them or not. And when you try to ignore their existence, they can come out in uncontrolled ways. Instead of pretending pain doesn’t exist, or compartmentalizing it for dealing with “another time,” focus on it. The next time you feel yourself reacting, notice where you feel physical pain or tightness in your body. Just feel it. Practicing this will get you used to allowing the pain and you’ll come to realize it won’t kill you. In fact, it just may be the key to your happiness because you can’t feel joy without feeling pain.

Journey of Attachment: How Avoidants Try To Avoid Pain

A lot of us live in our head, disconnected from our feelings and intuition. This podcast touches on releasing insecure attachment, accepting your authentic self and getting “unstuck” by connecting to how you FEEL instead of how you THINK. I’ve been there, and discuss sensitive subjects using my own experiences with a lot of laughs and even more empathy… because we’re all flawed humans.