Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love

Are you searching for a unicorn? I’m talking about someone whose specialness makes everything in life seem amazing. Someone you are (and forever will be) attracted to, who will never upset you or trigger you, who you’ll always have a deep physical connection with. Like unicorns themselves, this romantic idea you’re invested in is a fantasy. Love exists with another human who is flawed by nature.

In this week’s episode we’ll look at what keeps you searching for unicorns (if you’re an Avoidant or Anxious Avoidant, pay particular attention). The kind of “perfect” love you’re looking for is only in the pages of a fairy tale. It’s a place where pain doesn’t exist… which is where many Avoidants like to live. You can continue searching for what is unrealistic, or you can look inside and deal with whatever emptiness, pain, and anxiety you’re feeling. Because unconditional love does exist. It’s just different from what you’re looking for.

#688 What Avoidants and Anxious Avoidants Don’t Know

Even those of us who have done work on ourselves have patterns that are difficult to break, especially when it comes to relationships. You’ll have moments when you are emotionally triggered, wondering why you are having such a strong reaction to something seemingly innocent. It’s because it actually has nothing to do with the present; it’s all based on past pain. These triggers are like a time machine, taking you back to that moment (or moments) when you felt alone, not good enough, not important, not loveable, imperfect, etc. It can be especially frustrating when it’s something you thought you had already worked through. But no, there it is, staring you in the face again. 

Dating and being in a relationship challenges you and everything you think you’ve “dealt” with. It brings old emotions to the surface without warning or rational explanation. Old pain will show up when you least expect it (or want it), making you feel like you’re on some twisted emotional roller coaster. I’m here to tell you… you can handle it. Buckling yourself in and allowing the flood of emotions is the path to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. While not particularly fun, you will grow infinitely more by allowing the triggers than if you stay single, safely away from their reach. 

The pain can’t be shoved down forever. It will eventually come up, needing to be healed. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to allow the eruption of feelings, then challenge your beliefs that fuel them. It’s about changing your perspective based on what you know NOW and adjusting your expectations. Old pain lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. By trusting that you can handle it and continuing to love yourself, you will stop being imprisoned by it. It’s a process that takes time, but when you release the pain and challenge your beliefs, the triggers start to lose their power.

The Journey of Attachment: How Triggers Uncover Old Pain

The funny thing with attachment is it doesn’t just affect who you’re attached to, but how it feeds your negative beliefs. The latter creates the foundation for your experiences, creating potential problems for you in the future. This is why I tell people not to leave an insecurely attached romance prematurely (provided there is no danger, of course) because even though the situation will change, the beliefs still exist and these people will have to deal with themselves sooner or later. 

As we grow in self-discovery and awareness, we stumble over the same obstacles. If you were in a yo-yo relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of your life, you would be used to inconsistency. Unless you understand WHY you’re drawn to inconsistency (i.e. you don’t deserve better), you will continue to look for it. Even if you get into a healthier relationship with someone who consistently shows up, you’ll look for any hint at inconsistent behavior, creating problems where problems don’t exist. Maybe he/she texts you every night, but was out with friends and didn’t text you. Your “inconsistency” alert will go off and you’ll blame it on the other person, but you wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t have the belief.  

We focus on wanting something different rather than accepting what we have chosen because we don’t realize we have chosen it—it is unconscious until we’re able to spot it. And that just results in future relationships where we’re on pins and needles, looking for our partner to slip up. So let’s get away from these unhappy surprises and bring some awareness to what is going on, and why we choose what we do.

Journey of Attachment: Unhappy Surprises

When we are insecurely attached, we usually show up as the same person, expecting the same thing from an impossible situation. It’s like that expression: If you want your head to stop hurting, stop banging it against a wall. Somehow we think the headache will go away simply because we want it to (even though we keep pounding away). Why do we do this even though we know it’s illogical? Why are we vested in relationships that never meet our needs?
 
We repeat our past because it’s what we know. Our childhood reactions are carried through adulthood so we equate present situations with the past; the players may have changed, but the characters remain the same. Hence, we show up as we always have and respond the same. These patterns allow us to avoid intimacy because they’re based on an old perspective, one that has roots from years of conditioning. Changing our perception is difficult and scary. What if we have to deal with disappointment, imperfection, loss and other unknowns? Better to stay stuck in a loop of what we DO know, even if it keeps us miserable. Better to keep banging our head. Except it’s not better.
 
If you want to get yourself out of the “same thing, different day” routine, you have to stop hiding out. You have to get uncomfortably vulnerable and uncover your deeper truth, then take different actions. It’s time to put an end to the pain and try different. I’ll guide you.

Journey of Attachment: Same Thing, Different Day

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.
 
I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.
 
The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

Journey of Attachment: Fear of Abandonment

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

Journey of Attachment

Journey of Attachment: The Comfort of Dysfunction

A lot of us live in our head, disconnected from our feelings and intuition. This podcast touches on releasing insecure attachment, accepting your authentic self and getting “unstuck” by connecting to how you FEEL instead of how you THINK. I’ve been there, and discuss sensitive subjects using my own experiences with a lot of laughs and even more empathy… because we’re all flawed humans.