True Stories

Pithy Social Commentary

TurtleFrogMan

Studies Show

An Irish Goodbye 

Huck was a Bricklayer’s son from South Boston, 
his faatha was a hard working layer of bricks
His faatha a drunkard would frequently beat them, 
he’d come home from a-rippah and get in his licks

So Huck and his three brothers hid when he’d come home, 
a horrible childhood all would agree
And when Huck came of age, in the ARMY enlisted, 
farewell to South Boston, the world he would see!  

You left our party early 
You left it prematurely 
With not so much as a “see YEWZ all later” 
Or an explanation why
And that’s the definition of an Irish Goodbye 

So Huck from South Boston was now in the Army
With thousands of lads in their prime of their youth
It’s a stereotype that the Irish love drinking 
But stereotypes are grounded in truth 

Every weekend these boys would go drinking and fighting 
Huck’s nose was flattened by a punch someone threw 
It’s a stereotype that the Irish love fighting 
But stereotypes often turn out as true 

You left our party early 
You left it prematurely 
With not so much as a “see YEWZ all later” 
Or an explanation why
And that’s the definition of an Irish Goodbye

And after his discharge Huck earned a college degree 
He  got a Cush job, a wife and kids, a nice family  

One drunken night, he fist fought the neighbor, 
ignoring the myriad physical risks 

All The drinking soon ended his ill-fated marriage 
and in that ill-advised fight he slipped several discs 

Huck beat that guy’s ass but his back had exploded 
Chronic pain will make the toughest man eager to die 
So with a bottle of vodka and a gun that was loaded 
In a woods near his home, Huck said his Irish goodbye 

You left our party early 
You left it prematurely 
With not so much as a “see YEWZ all later” 
Or an explanation why
And that’s the definition of an Irish Goodbye

An Irish Goodbye

My wife and I were playing pool, you see, our marriage had grown stale 
And we agreed to have a date night to address our Marriage troubles 
A young couple put their quarters on the billiard table rail 
And asked if they could join us in a friendly game of doubles 

And this couple was attractive, they lived together I should mention 
And in no time we were all of us, engaged in harmless flirting 
My wife and I  seemed to come alive, like we were starving for attention 
And the thrill that I got watching my wife flirt was disconcerting 

Between the time that had elapsed and our perception was a slight gap 
the hours passed like minutes and to our shock the bar was closing 
“hey! we just bought a new hot tub why don’t you come back to our place for a night cap?” 
And naively we agreed to what our young friends were proposing 

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they should continue or stop?  
Will they continue unabated or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?

We followed them back to their home and once we had all inside gathered 
We exchanged the typical pleasantries | and we got the typical tour 
And then they led us back to their hot tub and the water was already lathered 
He said, “let me pour us some drinks | what is your liquor du jour?”

He returned and he gleefully shouted, “Let’s get into that hot tub and drink!” 
I said, “we didn’t bring any swimming suits | perhaps you might have two to spare?”
And they looked at me like I was joking | and he gave me a devilish wink 
He said, “nobody under age 80 gets into our hot tub unless they are bare!”  

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they will continue or stop?  
Will they continue unabated or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?

Now my wife and I are conservative and keenly aware of the dangers 
Of drinking too much and we normally | know when we both ought to stop 
But here we were on the verge of undressing| |. In front of these virtual strangers 
And it was slowly becoming apparent | That this couple was eager to swap 

Sometimes you commit to an action | and you feel like you have to proceed
In spite of the voices you hear in your head | that scream “fire only gets hotter” 
I looked at my wife and she nervously smiled | I could tell we both agreed 
Both of us quickly undressed and slipped into the depths of the roiling water 

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they will continue or stop?  
Will they continue down this pathway or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?


So the four of us were naked beneath the froth and all the bubbles 
And I broke the awkward silence with what I thought a pithy toast 
“to think this all got started with a friendly game of doubles 
And just then my wife jumped up and screamed as if she’d seen a ghost 

She cried “I’m sorry we have stop now.  Our marriage will not make it through this. 
He had tried to caress my wife’s thigh which for her was a bridge too far. 
I apologized to this couple and said “we’re just not the sort of people that do this” 
We gathered up our clothes, left their house and went back to our car 

And now we’ve come to what appears to be the ending of our tale 
Should they have waited for the next shoe to drop?
Will their marriage show improvement or is it doomed to fail?    
Did they secretly desire to Swap?

Couples Swap

They were teenage young ladies, intelligent, pretty and devious 
They were cut from the same cloth two peas in the very same pod 
Because these two girls were both equal parts smart and mischievous 
Their parents insisted they spend every Sunday with God 

Everyone knows there are only ten laws in the good book 
And one of them reads, and I’m quoting here:  “thou shalt not steal” 
But ignoring commandments is the secret to being a good crook 
And for these church going ladies, being a crook had appeal 

They were Sunday school students and that should have sufficed 
In keeping their behavior in line 
But they nearly pulled off the great jewelry store heist 
In the summer of 2009   

They had gone to the shopping mall after church to hang with their friends there 
They walked through JC Penny’s and they saw some pretty rings on display 
Little did they know that Satan shops at JC Penny’s in the men’s wear 
And under his influence they stole the rings and scurried away 

They were Sunday school students and that should have sufficed 
In keeping their behavior in line 
But they nearly pulled off the great jewelry store heist 
In the summer of 2009   

They were nabbed by store security long before they got to the exit 
They were taken to a back room, they were visibly shaken and nervous 
All that time in Sunday school and just one brush with Lucifer wrecks it 
They were charged with misdemeanors and both sentenced to community service 

Both these girls are married now with children and no crimes since committed 
They can look back at this episode and brush it all away with a smile 
The bible tells us Eve bit the apple, she knew it wasn’t permitted   
No matter where you’re shopping, Satan’s shopping in the very next aisle 

They were Sunday school students and that should have sufficed 
In keeping their behavior in line 
But they nearly pulled off the great jewelry store heist 
In the summer of 2009

The Great Jewelry Store Heist of 2009

On his motel room floor, my friend Chuck let me crash 
I had a bus ticket to Chicago and 200 in cash 
This free place to stay was a generous gift 
See, I had dropped out of college and my life was adrift 

While Chuck was at work, the motel owner came pounding 
He said “You haven’t paid a dime in rent and I’m tired of hounding” 
I said, “When Chuck returns from work, I will remind him to pay” 
He said, “I calling the sheriff, I want my money today”. 

You can call me a deadbeat or whatever you’d like 
But I gathered my belongings and I boarded my bike   
And made haste to the bus station with the coppers en route 
I never spoke to Chuck again, I hope they worked it all out 

This is quite a long story, you should try to hang loose 
Pour yourself a stiff drink to enjoy 
I’m getting to the part where I was bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

I had a friend up in Schaumburg who invited me to stay 
Schaumburg is a suburb of Chicago by the way 
So I took the bus to Chicago and left my troubles behind it 
I had his and address and phone number so I’d figured I’d find it 

I took the L train to Schaumburg and it was shocking to me 
Nothing but farm land as far as my eyes could see 
No taxi cabs or buses, no pay phones around 
So I just starting walking down the first road I found 

And this road let to a highway but which direction do I go 
My only hope was to hitchhike and so with dread I did so 
A guy in a pickup stopped, I showed the address I’d written 
He said, “get in the back with my dog, don’t worry he’s never bitten”. 

He was a grown man but unarmed, afraid of abuse 
At heart, just a scared mama’s boy 
He’s getting to the part where he was bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

And this man who picked me up finally found the address 
I had feared this guy would murder me, I must confess 
He let me out of his truck and I was practically giddy 
He said, “I used a quarter tank of gas, how bout you give me a fiddy?”

My friend’s apartment had a number like one zero three 
I found 101 and 104 so where the hell could it be?  
I looked for it doggedly but it could not be found 
I asked several people I saw milling around 

But no one could help me solve this new mystery 
Where in god’s name was apartment 1 zero three?   
I was at my wit’s end, I nearly broke down and cried 
It’s like my dog, my mom, my best friend and my dreams had all died 

He felt as useless as garbage, just like human refuse 
He had lost every semblance of joy 
He’s  nearly to the part where he’s bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois 

I saw the big golden arches, about a 1/2 mile yonder
I thought I’ll buy a hot cup of coffee and reflectively ponder 
And so I headed down the sidewalk and I had traveled a piece 
And on the left I saw a big pond and big flock of geese 

I thought nothing more of it, I thought the geese would ignore me  
But out of my left eye I saw these geese coming for me 
I started running but it was too late they had already caught me 
And on my left thigh just below my butt this big fucker got me 

The rest of the story isn’t very exciting 
I found my friend’s apartment but by week’s end we were fighting 
Over some girl in a bar, to even say it makes me wince 
And the next day I was on a bus and I haven’t seen my friend since 

He’s ashamed of himself, there’s simply no good excuse 
For letting some girl his friendship destroy 
But now he’s told you the story of being bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

I Was Bitten By a Goose in Schaumburg, Illinois

They cordoned off a few blocks and some more of these 
For those of us who are not vaccinated 

A plexiglass wall erected by the authorities
To keep the populations separated 

You could argue we deserve this derision 
We’re treated like we’re sick or unclean 

We’re here because we made the decision 
To refuse to take the government’s vaccine  

From the barricade, I watched her walking slowly
Toward the clinic, to receive her daily booster 

She was so beautiful, you could almost call her holy 
For I was certain only god could have produced her 

But There’s no vaccination for love 
And the case load can never be projected 
But There’s no vaccination for love 
The contact tracing can’t be collected 
There’s no vaccination for love 
No testing for its ever been perfected 
There’s no vaccination for love
And you’re lucky if you’ve ever been infected

For months and months I came back to see her 
Her daily booster shot was mandatory 

From her vaccinated prison, I could free her 
If I could only have a chance to tell my story 

I climbed the barricade like a phoenix risen 
I looked for cops around but didn’t see them

I approached her and said  “I can free you from this prison”
“come with me over the wall and live in freedom” 

This is the part where you ask how our first date went 
She screamed and to the cops I was reported 

To say I fucked up would be quite an understatement   
I was arrested and tested and over the wall escorted 

But There’s no vaccination for love 
There’s no therapeutic medicines for you and me
But There’s no vaccination for love 
When it hits you man, it hits you with impunity
There’s no vaccination for love 
And that means that you ‘re a threat to the community
There’s no vaccination for love
Over time you tend to build up an immunity

There's No Vaccination For Love

It was a peaceful evening and the moon was glowing very brightly through the curtain 
Our bedside table lamps were on and we were reading as we often do
Out of nowhere without provocation and for reasons that were quite uncertain 
She pulled the pin and lobbed a love grenade that landed right between us two 

She said “you don’t love me anymore, you think my ass is fat now just admit it 
I said darling please believe me your ass is not as fat as you might think 
But this response was very clumsy and I knew that she would not so soon forget it 
And I also knew that now our whole relationship was teetered on the brink 

She pulled the pin and then she lobbed a love grenade 
That is how this game of love strategically is played 
You must stay on high alert and remain all times afraid 
in case, she pulls the pin and then she lobs a love grenade

The love grenade just laid there on the blanket and I braced for it to go off 
I said darling I dont’ think your ass is fat at all, its shaped so perfectly 
She asked then Why do you watch Tik Toks with girls dancing in bikinis just to show off? 
I said those girls on Tik Tok dancing in bikinis don’t mean anything to me 

She pulled the pin and then she lobbed a love grenade 
That is how this game of love strategically is played 
You must stay on high alert and remain all times afraid 
in case, she pulls the pin and then she lobs a love grenade

I’m a battle tested soldier and I’ve wisely built grenade surveillance towers 
All men are soldiers in this army whether you are drafted or enlist 
These love grenades can blow your manhood off and you’ll be buying cards and flowers 
Or worse yet you could wind up getting dragged to see a couples’ therapist 

The love grenade still lay there, I was sweating as each nervous moment passes 
And I decided I would dust off an old line that I had seldom ever used 
“You’re the love of my life darling its your mind I love, don’t care how big your ass is”
And she smiled and was touched, another love grenade successfully defused 

She pulled the pin and then she lobbed a love grenade 
That is how this game of love strategically is played 
You must stay on high alert and remain all times afraid 
Just in case, she pulls the pin and lobs a love grenade

She Lobbed A Love Grenade!

Feen a mint
Was a minty gum you’d carefully chew 
That brought comfort to those poor people who 
Were suffering with symptoms pertinent to mild constipation 

Constipation 
Is a very common human affliction 
Putting movements of your bowels on restriction 
Which causes those afflicted with it quite an unpleasant sensation 

I was the Feen A Mint Kid 
I chewed more Feen A Mint gum than anyone ever did
I was the Feen A Mint Kid
I did things in plain view that I would have normally hid

Chicken wings
Are often fried and terribly spicy 
The gastronomical impact is dicey 
And On this occasion the chicken wings had plugged me up completely 

In titty bars
Women referred to as strippers 
Take their tops off for generous tippers 
My brother and I attended this establishment discretely

I was the Feen A Mint Kid 
I chewed more Feen A Mint gum than anyone ever did
I was the Feen A Mint Kid
I did things in front of these strippers I would have normally hid

These chicken wings had left me feeling sickened and morose 
So I chewed some feen a mint gum, I more than tripled the dose 
Once inside the bar, we sat with derelicts and felons 
This talented young lady danced and flashed her giant melons 

And that’s when 
Just then 

My stomach starts to grumble, 
my colon starts rumble, 
My resistance starts to crumble
I excuse myself and stumble 

And I in desperation beat
An obvious retreat 
With my slightly drunken feet 
for the nearest toilet seat 

Privacy 
Most facilities have 4 walls protection 
Which grants the user safety from inspection 
But the toilet in this strip club we had patronized did not have this enclosure 

PTSD 
The strippers manned the bar when not dancing 
The bar was across from the mens room and by glancing 
Each time the door swung open I endured embarrassing exposure 

I was the Feen A Mint Kid 
I chewed more Feen A Mint gum than anyone ever did
I was the Feen A Mint Kid
I did things in front of these strippers I would have normally hid

I Was The Feen-A-Mint Kid

There was this lady she was in labor 
I was her friendly next door neighbor 
And the walls were made of paper machete 

I was an unemployed musician 
Lacking love and recognition 
And since I couldn’t get to sleep anyway 

I said, “Maybe I should stay here and wait for your husband.  
If you want someone to drive you I will”

She said, “you’d have to wait forever cause I don’t have a husband 
And could never pay a hospital bill”

My mouth dropped open and gaped 
When she explained, “I was raped” 
And then informed me that her water broke 

It was tragic and sad 
And yet it probably had 
To be the world’s most elaborate joke

So In her apartment I’m standing 
And In pain she cries out demanding 
“take my panties please and lay me out flat” 

All her screaming was very worrying 
And around the apartment was scurrying 
Some cockroaches and a rather large rat

I said, “Can’t you cross your legs and hold it while I fetch a policeman 
I could have kicked myself for asking her that 
Another baby boy was born without the help of policemen 
Just me and the aforementioned rat 

Who picked the afterbirth clean 
Man the things that I’ve seen 
Could make an ambulance attendance choke 

It was an awful sight to see 
And yet it very well may be 
The world’s most elaborate joke 

Have you heard the old joke about the musician 
trying to be the next Bob Dylan

All of his hopes for his future were on that dream pinned 

Then he rescues a damsel In a wretched condition 
who was raped by a dastardly villain 

And this girl sent all of his hopes and dreams Blowin in the wind!  
Get it?  Blowin in the wind!  

And so we took a bus to Tennessee 
Bob Dylan, the neighbor and baby makes three
And we found an inconspicuous town

I’d start a business sometime later 
As a pest exterminator 
I loved putting rats and cockroaches down 

“we don’t believe your story grandpa you must be joking 
You gave up your dream to kill rats in Tennessee?  
I said, “listen to your grandpa kids, old grandpa’s not joking 
The meaning of life is responsibility”

Yes, now big eyed grand children straddle my knee
And ask if grandpa’s only blowing smoke 

The punch line’ll kill ya if you let it 
Whats the matter don’t you get?  
It’s the worlds most elaborate joke

The World's Most Elaborate Joke

She’s nervous, she fidgets, she takes a long time in deciding 
But he could tell she wasn’t reading the menu, she was in back of it hiding 
He said, “Let’s order cocktails first
Yeah, they’re good but they don’t quench my thirst.”  

But when the rain comes to the desert 
When the rain comes to the desert 
His burning thirst for sustenance shall yield 
When the ran comes to the desert 
He’ll be healed

Her previous marriage left her mud colored glasses to see with 
And he’s recently widowed and just needs a woman to be with 
He said, “we’re in the same boat you and I
Two vodka martinis, please.  Dry

When the rain comes to the desert 
When the rain comes to the desert 
There’ll be cactus flowers blooming by the score 
When the rain comes to the desert 
It will pour 

His romantic prowess was unsharpened and he was anxious to test it 
While she discussed her ex-husband, he put his hand on her knee and caressed it 
She angrily met with his gaze 
Which set the skin around his collar ablaze 

When the rain comes to the desert 
When the rain comes to the desert 
Those pregnant clouds shall burst and shower down 
When the rain comes to the desert 
They will drown 

She flushed red and ran out, embarrassed and mumbling curses 
How many romances rescued by ladies forgetting their purses? 
He followed her off in a rush 
Through the crowd like he was cutting through brush 

When the rain comes to the desert 
When the rain comes to the desert 
The sand shall be transformed into fertile mud 
When the rain comes to the desert 
It will flood 

He said, “I’m so glad I caught up.  Here’s your purse back.  I guess I’m just out of practice”. 
She said, “I’m sorry I overreacted.  I’ve grown thorns like a cactus” 
She said, “I usually don’t kiss men in crowds” 
And the restaurant filled up with clouds 

And that’s when the rain came to the desert 
The rain came to the desert
And nothing, not one inch of it was missed. 
The rain came to the desert 
When they kissed

When The Rain Comes To The Desert

Once A homeless man approached my mum and I and we were wary 
He was begging us for spare change, mom said, “we’ve no change to spare” 
As we quickly walked away I told my mum “that man was scary” 
And she said, “close your eyes and its not there” 

I was lying in my bedroom in the dark and heard beneath me 
A growling like a monster and I screamed to make my mother aware 
She turned the bedroom light on and this wisdom did bequeath me 
She said, “close your eyes and its not there” 

These childhood remembrances are truly habit forming 
Through the years friends thought me callous or too self absorbed to care 
Be it starving kids in Africa or rampant global warming 
I just close my eyes, and its not there 

Light enters through the eyeball in the pupil and the IRIS 
and passes through the retina to the optical nerve and the brain 
What we DO see can amaze us or repel us or inspire us 
AND what we DON’T see cannot ever bring us pain 

My mother’s sage advise has served me well until the present 
Its kept me moving forward free from worry or despair 
Anytime I’m faced with something ugly or unpleasant 
I just close my eyes and its not there 

But suddenly I’m stricken with self doubt like lightning flashes 
Maybe Keeping my eyes closed was just a form of self-impair 
I’m staring at a little box that holds my mother’s ashes 
And I close my eyes but its still there 
Yes I close my eyes but its still there

Just Close Your Eyes And It's Not There

I write story songs.   Many of the stories are true.

Watch my videos!  YouTube:   https://youtube.com/@turtlefrogman?feature=shared

Topics:   Sexual fetishes, reincarnation, sleep apnea, women who don't shave, the story of January 6th 2021, COVID, drug use, pizza place robbery, weddings, divorces and funerals, cannibalism, the story of Joe Biden, transgenderism and pronouns, erectile dysfunction, the World Economic Forum, the story of the USS Indianapolis, time machines, accidents with laxatives, school yard fights, proctologists, teen moms, scientific studies, genital warts, generational divides, national divorce, peeping toms, abortion, petty theft, DIY screws and mental health, suicide etc.