Wake up Tuesday time for Dick's Show
Will it be a gunty shit show?
Or a classic for the ages?
Have to wait and hear the rages

Starting strong with Dick & co-host
Mocking mom who lost her mojo
Find out news is coming up soon
Switch from Libsyn link to Youtube

Who's this news babe in the corner?
She's a cutie I adore her
Modest beauty thin and pretty
A/C's cranked it's getting nippy

So you wanna be a news babe? Well here's a little tidbit
No one cares what you say just show a little tit nip
While Vito's fanboying over pedophiles
Your nipples start growing and THE CHAT GOES WILD!

Don't mask it with your hair hun there ain't no need to hide it
Now you're not the only one who's getting quite excited
You got me going "oOOo don't need huge boOOobs
just wanna be hugging you in an ice-cold roOOom"

Your boobies' peaks look like Boogie's teeth
Chiclets gum I want some give this dude a piece
Can we just get married? Why are you avoiding this?
I could be your Larry and you could be my pointy chick

Canuck shitposter seeking arrangement
Check your freedoms at the border leather purses the payment 
No sperm shortage here watch me pump out litres
As we Netflix and chill in my walk-in freezer

You'll be begging "get inside me"
When I take you mountain climbing
Don't need tools with such a nice rack
Use your sharp boobs as an ice axe

My front lawn we're nude sunbathing
'Cause it sure could use aerating
Come inside we'll cook a nice meal
Use your boobs to tenderize veal

Whether you have nice tight lips or saggy ship sinkers
Don't care just get those nips in my fingers
Wear my heart on my suit I've been hurt in the past
So I burned all my chairs now I'm looking to smash

Stacks of chicks massive tits 
old news babe just after nips
E-beef? No I rap that's it
Only nipple rubbing I insist on 
Are yours in my mouth I'm a pacifist
With passive fists won't flaunt my ass crack and spit
On a chick I'll just buy you new spatulas

I won't huff your poo (unless you ask me too) 
Plus I've over 4'9" MASSIVE dude
I won't whisk you away to a drug commune 
You won't ever find a loli poster in my room
A mix between Kian and Sean - quite hunky
Never made a sex tape as a suicidal monkey


I'm well-adjusted I make good choices
What? 200 songs about cucks in dumb voices?
Just a little hobby babe I swear don't got the 'tism
It's just laser focus now it's on your nipples wanna lick 'em
100% safe sex let's do it
My bullet proof vest will protect me while we're screwing

From those full metal jackets in your jacket going BLAM BLAM
Hit me in the heart ma'am now I got my damn hand
Working on my hard glans got you breathing heavy like 
A pandemic get the hand sanitizer 
I'm like Pfizer now you're feeling my effects
Go lay down and have a rest got the chills your nipples wrecked
My leather couch you made a mess bad bitch yeah you're the best
Gotta get this off my chest I keep staring at your breasts
Look at that they're staring back at me baby #feelingblessed

"Two for one? RIP OFF! Damn dude that hurt.
Paid for one tit fuck got two Prince Alberts."

"Met her last Monday took her on a shopping spree
Never came back to suck me off properly"

8 AM met this lady down
at the ATM (for some atm)
Took my 18 grand put it in her hand
Then she switched the plan and that bitch just just ran
It's now 9 pm I'm still waiting ma'am
(You're stupid) did I just get scammed?!?!

I'm a scammer too baby I appreciate the hustle 
But no IOUs for you until I get my suckle snuggles

(Sexy boy) I'll meet you at your place
(We need to go in the shower) Sure babe sounds great

Now I'm tapping that ass and I got her coming fast
Cold shower bent over up against the frosted glass
Diamond tips *squeak squeak* those nips cut deep
Break the glass and my fall in a sudsy bloody heap

Still I have to finish oops leaning on her neck
It was only 9 minutes! How can she be dead!?
I'm wearing leather gloves who's gonna believe me?
So I pick up her phone call Christopher Kiwi

(Based on Tom's Diner DNA remix)

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From episode 61.
Check out The Biggest Problem in the Universe podcast at http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com/

Image by Mr. Gobun (Episode 58 fan art)
https://twitter.com/G0bun

Small Face Dick

work in progress - cover of 'all the good girls go to hell' by Billie Eilish.

all the good girls go to hell cover (draft)

Written and Performed by 688as
twitter.com/688as

Lakembra You're A Bitch - 688as

waddup. this is a little instrumental I've been working on. thanks for listening!

hung up

Cover Art by HeHe Silly Comics

Special thanks to our $5 Patrons & New Project2 dudes (July 2019):

🤠 688as
😜 Advertisement Space
🌭 Andrew Johnson
🍇 Basket of Grapes
🍑 Bootyman
🐊 Crocodactyl
👑 deign
🍆 Dick Masterson
🎲 Dyc3
🔫 Dmitriy Barsukov
🎧 James Gifford
✌️  John Vindiola
💸 Jordan Sellers
🐙 nibon 
🌽 Randy
🦀 Snibsnab
🥕 Staesis
🐯 The Zoo
🌭 Tully
🐕 UmptyMaDoo

Support:
newproject2.com/hmwh/
patreon.com/hmwh

Lyrics:
I'm a straight guy and I got straight pride
Don't want no thick, warm dick in my backside
I like straight times like grilling with the guys
And cracking open a cold one, yeah that's the shit I desire

I love the... straight shit, like dancing to the beat 
When I'm topless at the club in the summer heat
I love the straight songs by my boy Elton John
I play him when I'm making love baby, all night long

'Cause I'm a straight man and I got straight friends
Don't want no chicks interfering with our straight plans
We got straight hobbies like eating biscuits soggy
Slather on that sauce, I want it in my body

And Bodybuilding? (yeah) That's it, you feel me? 
Straightest shit there ever is and you know I ain't kidding
Guy Heaven's where it's at, Come spot me on the rack
Hey, check my glutes bro there's nothing gay about that

Yo, No Homo bro but you know that you got a nice rump
You up for some amateur wrestling after the pump?
Lemme oil your thighs so they dont rub too much
I know a club where we can go and spar all night 'til its shut

Then it's back to mine for some one on one time
Check out my meat, I'm cooking it all up tonight for you
A couple hot dogs and a couple of brews
A recipe for messy eating's how I like it, how about you?

Come on and fill me up, I never spill a drop
I wanna taste your cock-tail frankfurt, nice and hot
I can feel my heart throb but I don't ever wanna stop
Keep on eating 'til I pop then it's time to swap

But it's up to you if you want a taste too
We got nothing to prove, we got nothing to lose
It's fine take your time, we're just two straight guys
Having straight dinner like straight guys do sometimes

===

I'm just a straight guy living a straight life
I'm out and proud and I ain't ever gonna hide
We're just two straight guys having a straight time
Before you come, I need to know if you got straight pride

===

Straight Pride? Hell yeah I got it
And I'm coming out in style from the straight closet
Far too long, my straight roots have gone un-watered
Lemme drink up all your straightness from your straight faucet

If you got straight pride then I am by your side
All the colours of the straight flag are flying high
Fuck what they say, I ain't living a lie
Straight life bitch, yeah, until the day I die

If you're a straight guy then now's your time
Every straighty grab your lady, look her in the eyes
And tell her "Baby, I'm so straight I wanna cry"
And kiss her like you kiss your bro, hey that's normal right?

(Look) I'm straight, ok. So that means I'm not gay
Why would you think I'm gay? I'm swear I'm not gay
I like fucking women, yeah pussy is what I slay
I love fucking men too but in a straight way

I want pussy, I want pussy, I want pussy, I want cum
Wait, I mean to say pussy, I want pussy in my bum
Wait, I mean not in my bum, I mean in my palm
I want your rock hard pussy squirting on my tongue

I wanna feel your stubble of your cheek when you're kissing my neck
And taking me from behind, slide your pussy down my crack
I want feel your pussy in me baby, so damn deep
I've never felt a pussy like it girl I can't believe it

===

'Cause I'm just a straight guy living a straight life
I'm out and proud and I ain't ever gonna hide
We're just two straight guys having a straight time
Before you come, I need to know if you got straight pride

Oh I'm just a straight guy and I got a little straight pride
I know it's hard but I can always be your straight guide
Will you come with me, keep me warm throughout the late night?
Don't be afraid, everybody always cries their first time

Straight Pride

Welcome to the podcast, I have a huge announcement
So many weekly voters, dude I had to stop countin'
Still I can't compete with that bunker atop a mountain
Plus Ronny wants to leave so I'm finally fuckin' bouncin'

Legal debt's stalking me, I'm constantly hounded
I still haven't paid for those typos Landau did
The weight on my grave as Dick dances? Astoundin!
But when it comes to talent IN my body? Zero ounces

Now Dick and his Morlocks are toasting their beers
Boasting, shitposting and roasting their peers
It's me you should thank for your online careers
As you guys monetize all my blood sweat and tears

I've tried through the years but just keep getting staler
Another nerd podcast? It can't be a failure!
New co-host has boobies I can't wait to nail her
“I'm in Ooga Booga, see? Here watch the trailer”

Now Haley's so starstruck, out meeting at Starbucks 
went so well I think that I'll be her new star cuck
So much in shit in common - careers are both dyin
Both think we're still young, both love Degrasse Tyson

Let's hop into my shower girl, it doubles as a science lab
It's also great for sobbing when life's troubles have you kinda sad :(
Lights, camera, goggles oh, it's totally safe babe
Let's see if you can block the stream using only your face, k?

B==D~~~~~~~~ "Yeeeeah I fucking love science. You fucking love sicence, bitch? Gargle this science you bitch. It's not degrading if I'm a feminist."

Goodbye Maddox, Hello George
Dismantle Militia, assemble "G-Force"
Still havin' fuckin' trouble fixin' this damn door
Landau's in the back yard pukin' on all fours

Goodbye Maddox, Hello George
Haley sounds like, a dumb whoooore
But hey don't be sad it's not like I'm done for
Just say goodbye to Maddox and say hello to George

Now the name mighta changed but this brain's still the same
And the name of the game's make you say “what a shame
Man I loved all his shit checked his site every day
Now he constantly begs" "Run a train on my dame!"

Now I got real sneaky, took a page from that Greek book
Found a writing partner from UCB see look
Looks like Jodie Foster, sounds like Jodie Foster
Told her she'll be famous, asked what's it gonna cost her

Let me spread the hips then you hold my hand
“K” she says “My grandson's a real big fan”
You're welcome, now time for more experimental showering
This time you swallow all the piss “oooooo that sounds empowering”

God, you're so hilarious! Dave Clegg is gonna lose it
Hey, you read that email regarding the new bit? "Which One?"
Where we just watch movies and I touch all your nude bits
Then gently blow air on your hole like a flutist

I'm king, you're queen let's do some kissin
Fuck you, Karl! These podcasts are bitchin'
Babe I'll make you famous but dude, just listen
If you ever try to leave I'll have a new ex mission

These Dickwarts on Discord still think that they hate me
But they're mad at Maddox! I'm George "and I'm Haley! :)"
(She thinks that she's talented...bitches be crazy)
Hehehe George you're just killin' it lately!

Thanks Maddox so true, no need to debate that point
Where's Haley live? Let's find out then we'll case the joint
Late at night, flashlights on, search through her garbages
“Look! A used condom!""I'm jealous""I'm hard as shit"

Shit! Yo she woke up! I scurry like a cock-a-roach
Hit her with some glitter then run off like I'm Apostrophos (https://www.patreon.com/kokopuffs)
Fuck I think I blinded her! "Phew guys, that was awfully close"
Heather, why are you here? “I'm stealin' Haley's pantyhose”

Sean in the bunker on Sunday, please help me
I'd like everyone to think our friendship's still healthy

When I say "Bye Maddox", SEAN say "Hi George"
Bye Maddox  _____________

Now when I say Bye Maddox, DICK say "Hi George"
Bye Maddox  "Hi George!"
Bye Maddox  "Hi George!"

Hello George

birdman (pilotwings)

i sold my soul for autism and the ability to write average music

birdman (pilotwings)

aciou