Bonus rap battle spin-off of Lame-Ass Rap Battles. More goofy match ups, one verse each, no announcer, and is likely to have episodes better than the main series.

Half-Ass Rap Battles

Half ass rap battles

Rap battle

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of goofy, meme-status salesmen; Phil Swift of Flex Seal vs Morshu from Link: The Faces of Evil. Enjoy!

Michael Stark as Phil Swift
Mr. Tibbs as Morshu
Written by Commander Jacob (w/ help from Michael Stark, Evan Raspberry, Snakebite126, and Atronauch's Aura)
Mixed by Freshy Kanal
Prod. by FM75

-LYRICS-

Phil:
Yo! Phil Swift here, and I’m not that impressed, dog
So watch as this Flabby Mask Salesman’s gets Flexed on
My family of products is double what you could manage
You kicked the bucket, and I’m stabbing it; now that’s a lotta damage
Your YouTube presence is more than Poop. It’s worse, in fact
I’m so sharp on the mic *bzzz* I sawed this verse in half! 
No patching, bonding, sealing, or repairing after this shit
Imagine what you’d do when Mr. Flex Steal your business
We ain’t even equal. You’ve got no place in the sequels
I’d just watch your RTX if I wanted Faces of Evil
Beatbox all you want, it won’t stop what I’ve built up
By now, you should be used to getting embarrassed by Philips

Morshu:
Weird flex, but okay. This lamp oil’s got me lit
These hands? They’re yours, my friend. You’re gonna pay for this
As long as you have bars that can take this ill diss
2nd hand Billy Mays should switch his name to Phil Thrift
You’re not getting outta this; I already got you roped in
With all that Flex Seal, it’s a given you’ve got no drip
How’d you make a soap picture dirty? You rascal
That reflects pretty poorly; especially off of your shower handle
I’ve got a full stock with how often I drop bombs
Your glue wouldn’t have stuck if not for JonTron
Sorry Phil, I can’t give shits in this bicker
So come back when you can spit a little, mmmm, sicker!

Phil Swift vs Morshu | Half-Ass Rap Battle

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of flying, sleep-centered video game villains; The Phantom, Minecraft’s monster of the night sky, versus Nightmare Buzz, the bad dream boss of the Toy Story video game for SNES and Genesis. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Phantom
Mr. Tibbs (Gridline Studios) as Nightmare Buzz

-LYRICS-

Phantom (0:15):
Bad dream? Nah, it’s just this dude’s carelessness
Tag Team tonight’s victim; Swoop! There it is! 
Take away those dollar store Dragon Balls, whatcha Saiyan now?
Don't bother tryna keep your head up, your chin'll weigh it down 
Narcoleptic? Off the checklist. Nah, this creep’s devoured
Coated red like older textures. Wanna piece of our
Mem-brains? Ya get ten scrapes to your chestplate! Say goodnight, dude!
Your defense play’s a pretend laser? I’ll Explain, sir; it’s only going down like you
Homie, we know you ain’t zapping shit 
And if you don’t feel like vanishing
Get under the covers when Phantoms hit
Make a bed you'll forever be napping in 
Making you return to your dreamscape (yuh)
With an even-more-green face (yuh)
Make sure that you’ll sleep great (where’s that?)
Deeper than deepslate
We put the fear in atmosphere for this toy
Watching this space junk drop like a meteoroid! 
Unbreakable. Make a bed rock while we’re up in the clouds
Leaving a Buzz cut; we're number 1 all around

Nightmare Buzz (1:03):
I’m glad you’re done, I’ve never heard such bad flow
In any battle, guess your turn’s just mad slow 
Either way, you’ll be shot down. I sleep on you, you’re knocked out 
I know it’s time to kill you; guess you don’t needa… watch out! 
This sentient Elytra’s dumb. I don’t need to light ‘em up
These Dodgers of a Bright Sky combust without the slightest touch 
But I Imagine that having you in real life’s a must
Gamers playing, staying up this many days and nights is nuts 
I conclude this Phantom Menace is worse, by far 
Even in death, what I drop’s higher than 5 stars 
You’ll hit the ground like Woody’s game over. Brew some ‘brane potions
Throw them, and savor your pain going way slower  
Go ghost like Danny! Green eyeballs? I’ll pop ‘em
Hearing you Phantoms screech is… not an Opera 
On second thought, I take a liking to those high blares
Akin to the screaming kids whose dreams I turn to nightmares

Written, directed, edited, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Fightmarker
Beat produced by NickChou
Additional instruments by Renraku, Grant Michael, Diaspora, and Sample Magic

Feedback by King Mewtwo, GamingPlush64, RNG, TheBabyBeef, Swizkii, my therapist, Eddiefrb and the spaceship
Shoutout to Cri, Danii, and Eric the Audible

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Phantom vs Nightmare Buzz | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of horrible collectathon games; Data Design Interactive’s infamous Ninjabread Man versus Preston’s Hourglass. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Preston Ramirez
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@CommanderJacob
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/commander_jacob
SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/commanderjacob

Rosenthal as Ninjabread Man
YouTube:
https://youtube.com/@rosenthal5904?si=QJMCXg9nvRyrKt9g
SoundCloud:
https://on.soundcloud.com/cmCkAVLLNpLdHBJK7

-LYRICS-

Preston (0:10)
Ramirez on the mic, you’re unwelcome in my domain
I’ll crush your candy bars cuz I’m fucking insane
Twist you up; pretzel. Disappear; presto
Motion controls? Now your buttons getting pressed, bro

Drown you in a sea of punchlines. I’m a hitter
My money can’t be thicker; hourglass figures
Bash your skull in, you’ll get left with dents
Not a fan? Explain that pressed-in head

Cuz I’m p-r-e-s-t-o-n-exclamation
Call Zool, get your reject remake and remake it
This little cookie is not tough
Ninjabread. Is. Ticking… me off, cunt

DDI’s like CDI. Maime you and your lazy twins
Bring all the shovelware; just more graves to dig
Don’t ask for the dough-jo, You're not worth half a dime
It’s not just Anubis being lost to the sands of time

Ninjabread Man (0:53)
Fuck a swarm of bees, this is some buggy shit
Get the mic outta your hand; human or oven mitt
Indie dissing employees; you be-little
Now catch this candyman crack down Mr. Peanut Brittle

As for your wife, ever wonder why her ass ain’t home?
She’s at my place letting me explore her catacombs
But now I wish I didn’t think to get kinky
Because the both of you look like some sorta wrinkly Twinkies

You’re a product of Baldi and Banban, and Bendy
And Tattletail, Spooky, and Granny, and Slendy
So don't talk remade shit
How do walls only made of gray bricks counter oversaturation?

You look like your hat shoulda been a bedpan
Check the headband. Wu-Tang shit; NinjaRedman
You Crashed more than Bandicoot! It’s not right
Not talking mechanics; tell Dreadful it’s…  stop time

-CREDITS- 

Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Fightmarker
Beat produced by 2Deep
Additional instruments by Capsun ProAudio and David Oliver

Feedback by Shimario, bloody_queers, and the spaceship
Shoutout to JustGamer, RNG, ColeTheCole, Nugget, and Walk

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Ninjabread Man vs Preston's Hourglass | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Friend Inside Me
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/commander_jacob

VinnyO as Man in the Suit
https://linktr.ee/yuugenvinny

-LYRICS-
Friend Inside Me (0:19)
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.

Man in the Suit (0:38)
(Inaudible)

-CREDITS-
Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by BAKI
Inspired by Vibing Leaf
Godzilla roar taken from Godzilla (2014)
Shoutout to GamingPlush64, Freshy Kanal, garbageGothic, Atronach’s Aura, Dilly, and Nugget

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Man in the Suit vs Friend Inside Me | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! In this 100 Hour Challenge special, we have exploding video game enemies; Bob-omb from Super Mario Bros vs Creeper from Minecraft. Enjoy!

TheMonarchy as Bob-omb
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@OliTheMonarchy / https://www.youtube.com/@monarchybattleraps

Commander Jacob as Creeper
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob

-LYRICS-

Bob-omb (0:09)
Yo. EXPLODING IN! Buddy you crawled on the wrong land
They put me up against a Creeper? Aw man!
Double Dash away before this Bob-omb Blasts
You’ll go from face on a backpack to laid in a body bag
Why attack the player? You’re one in the same
Either of you see a pussy and start running away
And if you wanna act hostile, I hope you can camouflage
Or I’ll splatter you on the trees; make you look like you’re back to moss
You both cause destruction, but lemme tell ya something
Only difference between you and TNT? You’re ugly
No back and forth, I jump straight in as I’m attacking 
I layed out this pig, put him back in the right axis

Creeper (0:40)
BOOM BOOM BOOM- that’ll be you when you provoke me
I’ll chew you up and spit you out like Yoshi
Match my explosions? You’d need at least two
So if you really wanna go, try to re-fuse
I’ll drop a track, I got a real bone to pick today
Bet your reflexes delayed like your Galaxy minigame
Spectate and realize I see green in two different ways
While you’re on the Battlefield, waging wars with a civil race
Walking or Charging, I’mma come for your head
When you’re falling from the sky, it’s the most Sudden of Deaths
(Let’s go) House of Boom? Yeah, your mama was in that
Just stay on the ground; I’m who’s leaving an impact

-CREDITS-

Written by Commander Jacob and TheMonarchy
Beat and additional writing help by swizkii
https://www.youtube.com/@swizkii
Mixed by Light
Additional art by HoodieMasterr
https://www.youtube.com/@hoodiemasterr

Feedback by TheMonarchy, swizkii, HoodieMasterr, and SimplyRazzy
Shout out to Walk and JustGamer

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Creeper vs Bob-omb | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have musical entities that cause stress to those who come across them; Mad Piano from Big Boo’s Haunt in Super Mario 64 versus Bop It, 90’s audio toy sensation. Enjoy!

TheMonarchy as Mad Piano
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@TheMonarchyVA / https://www.youtube.com/@OliTheMonarchy / https://www.youtube.com/@monarchybattleraps
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/olithemonarchy
SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/oli-the-monarchy

Eric the Audible as Bop It
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@EricTheAudible
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/erictheaudible
SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/central-rap-battles  

-LYRICS-

Mad Piano (0:09)
Yo! Looking for eight coins? There’s one to your left!
But it’s not the only thing I have covered in red
I’ll bop you ‘til you shatter! Make your circuitry bleed sparks
Plus you’ll find the key of my teeth… B#
See this chair? Sit down, take the polite road
Soprano C, you’re gonna scream out on a high note
I'm not settling, I demolish a score
I keep banging! And keep banging! And keep banging! And keep banging!
It’s like this Dizaster got me paying homage to Cort
See these coffins falling? Next thing you know, you’re falling in yours
On the topic of court; for being lame, you've stood accused
I'm not judging when these shelves start throwing books at you
Had a little fad and just kept extending that
It's like Simon Said "instead of memory, test their attention span"
Between the cash grabs and narrators so obnoxious
I got a command for you!... stop it.

Bop It (0:54)
Did I rattle your cage, dude? You’re Mad cuz I’m way smooth
Piano should stay tuned! I’m naturally playin’ you!
Wanting red? I’ll leave you spinning. You gotta be kidding
Thinking you’re the grand type... You’re more MIDI
You move so slow, I circle you with no running
If you hear boos around you, It’s not your ghost buddies
Haven’t you realized I’m twisted yet?
Fitnessgram shit; I'll make sure Suicide Drills in your head
You’re the least scary thing in your “sCaRy oLd hOuSe”
Walking wobbly like you hopped off the merry-go-round
Wait, yeah, you belong in that kinda room
There's been a remake and a port: this piano’s on loop (c’mon!)
More per minute, you’re getting b-b-beaten
You couldn’t hit me in Smash R-R-Remix
Save the jumpscare, you won’t pull it with me
After your little lullaby, I’m going to sleep!

-CREDITS-

Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by 2Deep
Beat purchased by Fightmarker

Feedback by TheMonarchy, Fightmarker, Syroquise, and the spaceship
Shoutout to RacconBroVA, Dilly, TaigaTonic, Dani, Sculpture_, and the Smash Remix team

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Bop It vs Mad Piano | Rap Battle (HARB)

Cover Art by Mancha
----------------------------------
Josh Chichester as The Announcer
----------------------------------
Cam (VideoGameRapBattles) as Lemongrab 
----------------------------------
Stofferex as Lord Hater
----------------------------------
Anthony Perry as Peepers
----------------------------------
Lyrics:
Lord Hater:
This overzealous fella’s about to start a bout with Lord Hater
Rockin’ lasers in my hand, I’m an energy manipulator
Unaccept this defective reject and leave your Lemon Earldom decimated
I’ll rip that football head straight off and decorate it like my spaceship
Your piercing screeches would be perfect for my Torture Mega-Mix
Recondition yourself, ‘cause I’ve seen more spice from a Peppermint
I’m more shocking than your collars, I’m eyeballing in this Great Race
This battle’s black and white, but a grey area in your case

Lemongrab:
Unacceptable! Skeletor wants to dispute with a verbal feud
I’d prefer if you weren’t so immature with such an unstable mood
It’s truly a Mystery how you’ve found the courage to face me
Your rhymes are more of a parasite to my head than Shelby
SCREAMS
You barged in here uninvited, got me riled up with the rhymes you cited, 
My raps are Lemonsweet, but unlike him, this will be one sided
This slave will have no more to say, when he gets slayed by my sound waves 
Just like your presence aggravates, even more than the harp I hate

Lord Hater:
Let's switch this to my style

Best to forfeit, Morty, I Dominate pathetic specks like Bangle-Brap
My speed talking takes effect the best when it comes to battle raps
With my platoon of Watchdogs, I won’t let this fugitive get through to me
Want to feel relief of sleep by deciding who is and who isn’t naughty?
Well, you’re one to talk, Kim Jong Un, so why so sour, Santa? 
Man, it’s sad that you abuse your own species in a sour manner
The Pup Gang might be juvenile, but you’re truly adolescent 
Your cannibalistic ways backfire when you’re eaten by your own peasants

Lemongrab:
groans Your rapping methods are blind, despite your crew of eyes
Death is in Bloom as I decide a fat Jack Skellington’s demise
My temper is combustive! Just ask Cave Johnson!
Consume you like Lemongrab two and have you banished to my dungeon
Ain’t it sweet, candy seeds, you’re the root of my impatience
More of a avagrating amalgamation of hate than my creations
I don’t need anyone! You depend on Peepers to defend
So no more of your sour words, it’ll be YOUR end
----------------------------------
Mixed by Fel
----------------------------------
Written by Zack and Skeep
----------------------------------

Lord Hater vs Lemongrab. CartoonMadeRapBattles

Starring
JRoyalVA as Frollo
Titanium1208 as Gaston

Frollo:
You should know, I don’t take kindly to peasants
It’d be wise to fall to your knees again, in my presence
Your gang of ruffians are nothing next to my amassed power  
And may the Lord have mercy once I show Belle my Tower
Forced marriage, locked her dad in a carriage, and what’s next?
You treat every woman like you’ve turned them into objects
Drop the facade, and ask anyone that knew you
It’s obvious you only wanted to see LeFooFoo

Gaston:
Are you sure that creature's not your son? Seems like your looks passed on
The Festival's over, so why’s this grandpa got his mask on?
I’ll fight any gargoyle, down to every last one
Cuz no one quite rocks the mic like Gaston

Townsfolk:
GASTON 

Gaston:
This matchup's beastly, I expect an atonement
Do you know who I am? I deserve a better opponent
LeFou! Remove the fool grovelling at my feet
The townsfolk will dub my verses “Beauty and the Beat”

Frollo:
Looks indeed are deceiving; although you look firm,
You’re grumpy cause you didn’t get to put the worm in bookworm 
I’ll rid this fight of vice and sin, which means your rage that lies within
When I spit Hellfire, this Gypsy will be fried and binned

Gaston:
You pulled a Gothel; raised a baby in cobble, but who's the loner?
The child or the man who burnt cities 'cuz he had a boner?
Build your wicked Frollo Baggins schemes in other bouts
So begone! I’ll help another looney old man... out!

Frollo vs Gaston. CMRB

Starring
Light as the Grinch
Fle as Shrek

The Grinch:
The people of Whoville are nothing put next
To this pompous swamp-monster known only as Shrek
“Why”, you all blare, do I oh-so-hate him?
Behind all those layers he’s beyond Ogre-rated
Tasteless, I may have stole Christmas, in fact; 
You took everything ‘Disney’ and wrapped it with trash 
Even happened to nab Seuss’ Cat in the Hat
And before you drag on, tell your ass to stay back 

Shrek:
Donkey, see, something uglier than me!
GET OUT MY SWAMP! GET OFF MY BEAT! 
Hey, list em; Head’s twisted, Lyrically, nay gifted
You suck at wrapping, that’s why you resent Christmas 
I’m shreking fools; take your fur and deck the halls 
Ya heart’s not the only thing two sizes too small
Somebody once told me this hairy sock wants trouble 
You must’ve been cursed by your fairy godmother;
You were one in a million; a classic written for children 
Nowadays you’ve been plastered next to a billion Minions 

The Grinch:
You’re a monster, that said, I think you should retire 
Halloween already has a Mike Myers
Ech, a reboot of this snotty disaster? 
Say bye to your Happily Ever After

The Grinch vs Shrek. CMRB

Kingdom Hearts 3 releases worldwide on the 29th of January.

Beat by Kustom
Written and mixed by Skeep

bearandrocky1 as """Natsuki"""
CookieSaurus as Nico Yazawa

Natsuki:
Today, I’m first to the clubbin’, I’m roided and ready to go
To twice beat over this two-faced two-timing (gets stabbed) oh.

ProjectAlpha22 as Riku

Riku:
Let’s make this Simple and Clean; Drop your Dreams, you can’t go the Distance
Vexen replicas -you idols are the same to me, no difference
Giving up already? Not the first time. Ain’t at all appalled
Your fame, your fans, your love, your life, you’re GONNA LOSE IT ALL!
Hit the Jackpot, UR cards in my favor, Lucky Lucky
It sounds to me you’d just love to share a Paopu fruit with Maki
So while you’re lusted over by lowlife lolicons and sweaty nerds
I’ve got the Keyblade to unlock the hearts of all the gamer girls

Nico Yazawa:
How lame; what a shame; stole my opponent -jeez you’re Heartless!
Long awaited to make her again a carcass, but then this Nobody came and wants to get started
Left Marked by Nico’s Mastery! No training camp for testing through
Emo, you’d fight darkness best with no sketchy guy molesting you!
Spit PSYCHIC FIRAGA on the mic when I perform this song! 
While at the Sakkaku CROSSROADS, you get lost on your Way to Dawn
Doin’ Maleficent’s dirty work, followin’ Sora, awkward
encounters, kidnapping girls, you’re just a jealous creepy stalker!

Riku:
You try to mock me with hypocrisy? Give you more a knock than what I did to Roxas 
I got this; riposte your cacophony with my Soul Eater’s posture
Grab your secret diary; jot this loss, call it the Book of Prophecies
This Keyblade Master’s got it on lock, your mobile game verse Union χ, it’s over, Ni!

Nico Yazawa:
Yo, your little thing with Sora’s adorable, comparing Keyblades
But you’re second rate, second place; Nico’s always an S grade
Nico’s fans’ hearts are Nico’s alone, her smile’s the key!
Give into the darkness, Riku. Nico Nico Nii!

Nico Yazawa vs """Natsuki""" "2" - Rap Battle

Jacob G as Kickass
J Morris as Deku

Written by:
Freshy Kanal, Jason, Vriska and Jughead Jay

Cover Art by:
Zim 11037

Additional Help by:
R the Writer & Zim 11037

Beat by:
Audio Network

Mixed and Mastered by:
Freshy Kanal


Lyrics:

Kickass: 
Hey Hit-Girl, you wanna-? Oh, it’s just me
Well, uhum- Stand aside for a hero to serve the beat

Cause against me? Study up my name. 
Why don't you take a page
For someone who can make a change. 
Do what you do best: break a leg

I don't need a Sick Stick to make me spit sick
You lock the top dog, I'll bite off more than this dick, prick

You misfit, the real world ain't some class to place last, kid
Bitch, your name literally means you get your ass-kicked

Your obsession with your teacher really gives me the creeps, bro
Boku no Hero? Change that to Boku no Pico

Deku:
You’re one to talk about starting off worthless
With your daydreams and hormones, 
I wouldn’t say that you’re quirkless

So let me take the shots, but you won’t need your vest
Cause even if you’re juiced on speed, you couldn’t match my 5 percent

Cram more cheap jokes and violence, 
I’ll Detroit Smash your privates
I destroy foes with high kicks, 
you need cheap toys and sidekicks

It took one whiney white kid to almost go and unfold ya
And the size of your nightsticks? Not. Plus. Ultra.


Kickass: 
Talking ‘bout dick jokes but you couldn’t get around
Your girl’s got gravity powers but you still can’t go down

I might’ve fucked up my senses, but you still get on my nerves
Too bad your daddy couldn't pass to you his fire spitting quirk


Deku: 
Well too bad your daddy didn't pass his genes for getting murked 
You're so scared of getting hurt, you let a kid do all your work

Think you’ll leave me in a Red Mist? 
You can’t hip-hop like Tsu, though
Staten Island’s got it rough if their best hero is a dudebro!


Kickass: 
You’re one to talk about parenting, watch what you utter
You pull a momma’s boy household by disappointing each other

Drowning in your mourning, dude, you would beg to reach my tier
Shit, retitle this “my wetsuit Vs your self pity tears”


Deku: 
I'm strapping armor, 
while you're bragging 'bout that wetsuit you're repping?
You spent too much kicking ass in a Walmart clearance section

But you said you wanna make up for your mistakes?
It’s a bit late
This dickface draws his path in the shadow of Nick Cage

Keep running yourself in depth with all the chaos you're causing
I’m gonna show myself out now and share that cocoa with your coffin

Kick-Ass vs. Izuku Midoriya - Rap Battle!

In the first episode of Half-Ass Rap Battles (the bonus spin-off of Lame-Ass Rap Battles) we have a pizza slice against a hamburger because why not, I had fun with it.

Written by Commander Jacob
Freshy Kanal as Pizza
Commander Jacob as Hamburger
Mixed by Freshy Kanal
Prod. by 2Deep

Pizza:
Come out the oven deep-dish when I got to rap a line
Cause you got no flavor like the fries you come with half the time
Reppin’ Italy critically. All your mascots disturbin’ me
I’ll have you drop in the ER, get your ass back to Germany
I have enough cheese. Get a taste, mate. Cream you, but don’t wanna taste mayonnaise
Rhymin’ supreme. Steppin’ to me and I’m havin’ ya bleed. Getting ketchup to spray, k?
Whatchu got, lettuce? Broseph, ya never toppin’ me
Go ahead and slice me up, that just means more people chompin’ me

Burger:
Hey, I placed an order, but it came with too much cheese, bruh 
I’ll need an extra-hot verse, I got a pizza to heat up
No way you can fuck with me. I out-pizza the hut, ya see?
If you wanna rat me out, I’ll send you back to Chuck E. Cheese
Got a red dot on you like a pepperoni, homie
Ordering pineapple’s the only way you be spittin’ grossly
Give ya girl my meat and make some bread. I’m a phenomenon
With you I’m intolerant, but no way more than Papa John

Pizza vs Burger | Half-Ass Rap Battle #1

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Half-Ass Rap Battle! Today we have a battle of minimal, pixelated games typically played out of boredom: Flappy Bird vs Chrome T-Rex. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Flappy Bird
Deegle as Chrome T-Rex
Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Light
Prod. by 2Deep

I’m coming back, the flyest bird. It’s undebated
To face an old fart that Atari would call outdated
Pterodactyl when I battle. So buddy, you oughta let go
People play you when they say “dammit, I guess so”
Takes a tap to flap over the crap that you spat out
Your life’ll fade to black quicker than your background
Mainstream? No way. Gameplay? so lame
So you should look up better rhymes… oh wait

An amputee duck with plastic surgery
Seems to struggle connecting to a beat to try to murder me
Grab your over-priced iPads and take a walk, dude
You’re smokin’ stolen pipes thinking Nintendo won’t stomp you
I’m Chrome polished. My desert’s less dry than what you’ve written, kid
I'm jumping over cacti, I can handle one little prick
What got removed faster, you from all the phones I can see
Or was it your creator, exiled from society?

Flappy Bird vs Chrome T-Rex | Half-Ass Rap Battle #2

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have the monochrome LCD character against the monochrome LSD character; Mr. Game & Watch vs Grey Man. Enjoy!

Raichous as Mr. Game & Watch
Mr. Tibbs (Gridline Studios) as Grey Man

Written by Commander Jacob w/ help from Zawesome
Mixed by Light
Prod. by Marsad Men

-LYRICS-

Game & Watch:
Parachute in to win, it’s an icon you’re fighting, man
This Fire man throws bacon, eggs, and fine raps off a frying pan
Been Ball-ing from the start. Where’ve you been? I can’t tell
As an expert, I can say fame’s something you’ve never handheld
This rapping trampoline lander’s smacking you like a 9 hammer
And your win’s a crazier dream than those of all your programmers
Slenderman in a trench coat? He only has one mode: stalk
Mister, watching your game has got me watching my own clock

Grey Man:
A fat-nosed shadow thinks that he's fit for battle? Boy I'll laugh
When I have him tripping and he still tries to fight with oil cans 
Ring your bell for help! I’m Krueger of the PlayStation
Leaving beats and dreams corrupted. Still think it's an emulation?
Here’s the red Flagman; you’ll get slaughtered just from napping
It’s one of your two functions; learn it’s time to stop rapping
I Violently Diss-strict. The pain won’t leave when you wake up.
Even people who play Smash have forgotten you like a brain flush

Mr. Game & Watch vs Grey Man | Half-Ass Rap Battle #3

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of the edgy spooky versions of characters, one ironic, one unironic: Sonic.EXE vs Corrupted Jacob

-LYRICS-

Sonic.EXE
(Yo) ever since Things That Aren't That Scary Month, I know you've been hating, my guy
So many souls, so Slowpoke.EXE should quit wasting my time
You’re like Tom with my CD; too pussy to destroy a track, dog
Lyrics coming at you at Super Sonic speed: I am Rap God
Too tapped out for round 2. Searched your Commander’s channel, even I never Found You
Cameos are all you amount to. I got a jester's laugh, and I’m still bout to clown you
When I’m rappin, I go batshit. I’m attacking with some hacking. I’m the spin-dashing classic
This wack-ass damn kid’s the static cross-breed fanfic of Darkiplier and a sad squid, that’s it

Corrupted Jacob:
Zalgo in a fursuit? Oh no, my wee little heart!
Ya meant to be creepy, but spawned extremely… DeviantArt 
Like Sally Simp, you’re gonna get left in stitches when fighting me
Your fame was as short as your face in your own fucking title screen
Fucking cheesy ass. Your game got me board as shit, you damn Rap Rat
Check the anger and the eyeballs; my dude needs a pack of Tampax 
Trolled this pasta back to his wiki, too lame for me to eat ya
Haven’t seen someone as bad with words since JC the Hyena

Alex the Beast as Sonic.EXE
Commander Jacob as Corrupted Jacob
Written by Commander Jacob w/ help from TimeLord
Edited and thumbnailed by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Light
Prod. by Retnik

Sonic.EXE vs Corrupted Jacob | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Home of Lame-Ass Rap Battles, its side series Half-Ass Rap Battles, and maybe the occasional cover of someone else's battle.