i wanted to use my voice here but my it sucks and the melody reminds me of us in a sad way:(

thanks for listening<3 i hope you'll check out more of my music like this song.
this song + all my ambient tracks on my spotify playlist here
spotify version: open.spotify.com/playlist/4IB4U1ieSUcEor3LQkOAIy
soundcloud: soundcloud.com/tidecruz/sets/my-head-is-ambient

all my ambient songs

i was only temporary (Super Slowed)

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Drivers License (Cover)

The reading of "I Understand My Grandmother Now" from PsychedelicThoughts.blog
---------------------------

4am
Who is this next to me?
This is not the one I wanted to love.

I reflect on yesterday.
Rude remarks,
Biting sarcasm,
Annoyance.
I hold myself together through the daggers to my heart.

He calls me condescending.
It was supposed to be a loving jest.
My gentle nature annoys him.

I joke, calling myself sweet.
He calls me bitter.
No trace of a smile on his face.

He was sweet and gentle at first.
Talking about cuddles, love, settling down.
Talk of only one woman for him.
Goals aligned, I am lured in.
I make the biggest mistake of my life.

One month goes by.
My sunlight melts away the facade.

So much bitterness and anger.
So cold and distant.
I receive only a trickle of kindness and affection.

He does not show me any affection.
He dreams of strippers and hookers.
Talks about other women.
Am I not good enough?!

He is like my father-
So much anger and bitterness.
All his words are now poison.
I become a small, afraid child again.
Hiding within myself from his words.

He is just like my father.
I grow quiet.
Retreating into myself for safety.
Afraid to speak, for I will be criticized and judged.
Harsh words rub my heart like steel wool.

He is my father.
Sadness wells up in my heart.
Why was I so stupid.
I want to go back.
I fucking hate my life, what have I done.

I lay on the couch, writing and crying.
Snoring coming from the bedroom.
I am safe, he cannot hear me.
Too concerned about himself to care.

I cry.
I write.
I compose myself.
Put on the mask.
Five months left.

***

If only I could go back in time.

I only left because I want a home.
I want to settle down, not constantly move.
My time is running out, I wanted to start a family with you.
I can’t wait ten years, it will be too late for me.
I’m growing old and tired.

I never had a place to call home.
A stable spot to make my own.
My painfully turbulent childhood makes me wish for stability.

I wish settling with me could’ve made you happy.
Your soul is young, wild, free.
Mine is old and tired.
I wish settling with me could’ve made you happy.

What a fucking mistake I made.
Too old and tired, I accept that I will never start a family.
Just like my grandmother,
I will die alone on my deathbed in a nursing home.
For I have forsaken the one that truly loved me.

I understand her now.
Wanting to die, waiting patiently for death to come.
Hoping and praying for death.
Begging God for the mercy of death.
For living alone with the burden of regret is too great to bear.

I understand her now.
Making mistake after mistake.
Trying to seek love when I already had it.
Looking in all the wrong places.
Being so gullible and easily led astray.

I feel her pain.
Regret weighing down my heart
Every 
Single
Waking 
Moment.

I have her pain.
Hoping and praying for death to come.
Patiently waiting for the day.
Wanting the sweet release from my burdens and regrets.
It’s too much to bear,
I can’t do it.

I can’t but I have to.
My poetry makes it easier to hear.
But it’s still so difficult.

I write my Magnum Opus.
That gives me some comfort.
Page one: My Last Will and Testament.

***

I am a squashed flower.
Trampled, petals broken.
There is no hope of blooming again.
Thankfully, my roots run deep.
I am still alive.

🎶 Credit: https://www.FesliyanStudios.com Background Music
🎶 Track 1: "Our Hopes and Dreams"
🎶 Track 2: "Emotional Regret"

I Understand My Grandmother Now

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The reading of "Dear Mother,” from PsychedelicThoughts.blog

This audio file is licensed under CC BY 4.0. You can use this track for personal/commercial use as long as you credit me: 
“Dear Mother,” from PsychedelicThoughts.blog

***

Dear Mother, 
Happy Mother’s Day. I got you a gift: it’s a poem I wrote; here it goes.

Why am I so sensitive,  
Always taking criticism the wrong way,  
Always seeking validation, 
Approval, 
Withdrawing myself if I get the slightest hint of rejection. 

Schizophrenic, 
Manic depressive, 
Dissociative Identity Disorder, 
Bi-polar  
Mother. 

Mother twisting this mind of mine 
Ever since the unfortunate day I came into this world. 

Telling me -  
All the suffering in her life is my fault. 
All the suffering in the World caused by me. 

Mother twisting that baby mind of mine. 
Making me think I’m not normal. 
Making me think all I do is cause suffering. 
Making me think my existence is a burden to everyone.  
Growing up, in a twisted labyrinth of of depression, schizophrenia, mania, suicide, nihilism,  alienation, withdrawal, body dismorphia, bulimia, self-loathing-  

***

So much of my life 
Fucking wasted.  
Trying to escape this mind  
That she twisted. 

Untangling my psyche has been a struggle. 
Changing oneself is hard. 
Real hard man. 

I’ve hurt so many people, 
Lost friends, 
Left someone I loved.
Had to do selfish things to discover myself. 
Enough. 

Writing about myself and my past, 
I could do that all day. 
But this poem is dedicated to you.  

Dear Mother, 
I don’t love you that much 
But I still care about you. 
I see you tried your best even though  
You were so mentally fucked up 
Because that is what the World did to you. 

I still want the best for you, 
But I’m going to live my life, 
Put myself first since you were unable to. 
Heal and stop this generational disease we’ve been passing down, 
Setting our babies up for failure before they’re even born 
Because we can’t take a moment to take care of ourselves.  
Because it’s hard to stand up for ourselves. 
Because there was no place for us built into this World or rather- 
The World was built so that there was no place for us women. 

This World is a cruel place and it got to you Mother, 
You never got a chance to be yourself and do the things you wanted because  
You were born in a poor country 
So bad were the conditions that  
The only way to get out and have a better future was to  
Give up your life, marry a stranger, and knowingly commit yourself 
To a life serving a man who 
Only married you because no other woman would 
Who was looking for an easy wife to cater to his every whim 
Be the woman of his dreams. 
Do his chores,  
Raise his children, 
While he goes out and- 
Sorry, I’ll cool it. 

Mother, what I’m trying to say is, 
I need to focus on myself, 
I want to break this generational curse placed upon us women. 
So that one day, 
No child will ever have to endure what you, I, all the women before us, 
And all the women right now 
Have had to endure. 

I promise to do my best to be the change I want to see in the world. 
But to do that, 
I have to lay my feelings bare 
And bring a lifetime of pent up words on you all at once. 

Sorry if you ever read or listen to this. 
The chance is small since 
I’m nobody, yelling down The Endless Hallway of the Internet. 
Plus, you don’t really know how to use technology. 
I mean, you barely know how to use a television remote and wireless telephone. 

I’m too much of a coward to say  
Any of this to your face. 
I’m also a poet,  
I express myself differently from most people. 

+ Read the rest on PsychedelicThoughts.blog

Dear Mother,

[FREE Download, No Copyright, Royalty Free] Poetry Reading "Dear Mother,"

Before You Go (Cover)

Psalm 103

I record my poetry and stories. You can use them for your own projects.  

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[FREE Download, No Copyright, Royalty Free] Poetry Reading "Dear Mother,"

Evo Numy

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