fawm 2023

I hope 
it’s not insensitive
to want to be done with this
it has me by my throat
I really oughta go
but I’m drawn
to the middle of
the superstition so
bleed the circle closed

make it address me by a name
that I wouldn’t give myself

it pulses because it loves us
bear witness to it
full-throated spirit
it pulses because it loves us
this is the end of the time
of our lives

it was fine, it was fine
the door darkened briefly
I was wondering if you would notice it
there was time, so much time
extending past the limits of our sight
the stone melts while we admire it
and what better way to
end unpleasant days
than to pull the curtain back and show you
how little remains to be seen?

It Pulses Because It Loves Us

There's a forest near my house and I can smell when something dies there

there is a sound
to the panic-stricken lower bound
convinced I’m pulling, 
you’re just plunging down
the backwater you have waded into
is waiting for you so it can freeze
i’m standing on the surface
so you can witness me

but I shouldn’t compare
the chill in the air
to the sound of you shivering

you will give me your attention
I know how to take from you
you think you can cast a stone and be done with me
but you don’t understand, you foolish little child
I’m here to bore a hole in your head
and I will not be calm
and I will not be reasoned with 
you’re gonna have to deal with me

a vessel seldom knows what it contains
a pickled brain, I am the dowsing rod
that’s picking up your pulse
and you can hope discerning eyes
of observant passersby
can spot the difference
but indifferent gods are
plucking you from here

you shouldn’t complain
the thoughts from the day
have a way of fogging up the air

I'm here to bore a hole in your head

You begged me 
take it to the grave
and I held my tongue
but I can not relate
I hope you resolve it
before it dissolves you

whom among us here  is being honest?
Whom among us here is being honest?
Because I can give you what you want
but you, you had better want it.

Did they found you cowering?
What a coward you must be then
you will never find me shivering
I’m wrapped wrapped in fur like a heathen
on cold night it pays
to be a beast

wrapped in fur like a heathen

Tourniquette

I don’t mean to be a bore
but I am inside of your walls
and your house is such an eyesore
I always dread crawling in
and it occurs to me now
that you don’t want me to be here

And I don’t want to be cruel
but i’m turning into you

and you are making me a mouthful 
and I feel the terror grip you
as it grips me too
and we both go under and

now is time you see
the wooden parts of me
get your axe ready

to fall 
as I fell I saw a hole in the earth where I was
keep steady now
you’ll get more desperate with each swing
but rest assured I am coming down
you’ll make me into something useful
I am sure of it

I don’t mean to freak you out
but there’s a bug on your shoulder
god forbid I get to listen to you speak
can I say for the record
I find your conversations lacking
as if you’d ever speak to me 

and I don’t mean to be cruel
but I know that you do
and you do a standup job of it
but we’ll see who is who
when you feel the terror grip you
and I don’t let go of it

now it’s time to part
with a portions of your heart
don’t be surprised if you start

to fall
there’s a crater in the earth where you were
keep steady now
you'll get more desperate with each plunge
but rest assured you’re coming down
i’ll make you into something useful
if you make me into something

make me into something (useful)

did the social thing
and asked about your whereabouts
mutuals shrug shoulders shake their heads
when I saw you last there was a haze around the truth
you don’t know about me
let me prove it to you

circumstances dictate
bare my soul and swallow whole
you wouldn’t recognize me like this
in tender viscera
have you seen the back of my throat?
I can show you now, 
I can show you now,
why don’t you get in there?
I will shut my mouth 

I was stepping out on the misery
given time to commiserate i will find
the common line
the difference between my life
and every part of the animal

found a highschool mixtape
of the songs I used to play
full of demo covers of songs that I hate
broke it over my knee, threw it in the fireplace
who needs sentimental shit like this?
It will die with me,  
I will bury it

every part of the animal

You would always search for being loved
I wondered what that was about
If you could keep your distance from me
I think that that’s what I would do
If I were you which clearly I am not
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
We can reverse our previous history 
You know

You have such a penchant for leaving out
All the details of the war
And I could be kinder to you
If I thought that’s what you deserved
If I were you I would be ready with the sword
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
Don’t you know that this is scrawled in our histories?

I was found hiding out in
Hallowed ground you shoulda left me there
Had I known you were sacred
I would not 
Let you be tainted

You would never overlook the message
In the bottle on the shore
I suspect there’s something in there
That I don’t want you to read
If I were you I would be careful with the words
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
The knowledge comes with volatility
You know

You can play the medic and tend to my wounds
We’ll let the fever pass
And I can ball my love into a fist and see if that hurts more
If I were you I think I’d learn to throw a punch
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
Though I could use the company

I was found hiding out in
Hallowed ground you shoulda left me there
Had I known you were sacred
I would not 
Let you be tainted

I get carried away by the thought of old age
Wondering if I’d trade wisdom for a handful of days
If I get elevated further than I deserve to be raised
I’m dragging you with me, you can stand in my place

Distance From Me

outpost
peeled away
barren of worth
we’re taunting in your direction
find us
delegate a hunting party
waste away listening for me

separate the hair from the hide
and hide 

I have closed
brighter eyes than yours
I have better things to do
than wonder who you are
cut it close
or I will cut it off
let me put this in your ear:
you’re the one who’s being watched
I’m the one who keeps the pulse

goodbye
terraformed
angular stone
eat and become sedentary
outlast 
delegate a hunting party
compromise but never with me

separate the jaws from the beast
 at least

I have closed
brighter eyes than yours
I have better things to do
than wonder who you are
cut it close
or I will cut it off
let me put this in your ear:
you’re the one who’s being watched
I’m the one who keeps the pulse

welcome home
spectre at the door
I have better things to do
than wonder who you are
 cut it close
or I will cut it off
let me put this in your ear: 
you’re the one who’s being watched
I’m the one who keeps the pulse

delegate a hunting party

it’s minuscule
down to the easiest ask
enough of rolling your eyes
and batting your eyelashes
word’s out
the wrong people know and they have our addresses
what was that safehouse you told me about
do we need to call in advance

yes i’m tired 
but i’ve done this dozens of times
relax and keep your voice low
keep your head down and study your lines
too bad
sometimes things get out of hand
there’s no predicting the plan
we’ll get em next time
are you ready? I am
 
if you weren’t so hard to figure out
and easy to pick apart
we’d have the hard part done by now

just watch
these situations have a tendency to cascade
from my experience sitting in the mess I made:
the makeshift hatch I made over us
will suffice in the place of a fire in a cave
till we pass where the barricades are
but no one knows where the barricades are
when they discover us
I hope they discover us
looking down where the barricades are

newsflash
it’s vital you never ask
we could be digging a grave or a garden
knowing which won’t make the job go faster
get down
it’s like you wanna get caught
we changed your name and colored your hair
and I didn’t learn how to do that for nothing

good job
I don’t get to say that a lot
so focus on your heartbeat, slow it down some, now it’s your turn
shift’s up
it’s time that you get some rest
close your eyes and think about the future but don’t count on it

barricades

restless enough to rattle my bones apart
the blast radius of collapsing potential 
drawn out of sequence and then put together as art
a fragment of a fragment that you can hold onto

but don’t expect my sympathy
to run dry where it should
you’ll never run aground
that devil in the distance
could use some defending

scrawled into my ribs
was a message
I never did decipher it
don’t ask me what it means
i’m still processing
i’m a vintage machine

sunlight-sent signal to body to waken up
finger along the edge of my mug with my coffee
passed through a paper to filter the solid parts out
and then thrown in the compost to rot with the other mornings

but don’t expect my energy
to maintain where it should
my eyes are heavy now
the dreams I have mentioned 
could use my attention

printed on my skull
were instructions
I never did decipher them
don’t ask me what it means
i’m still processing
i’m a vintage machine

vintage machine

it starts innocent enough
euphemistic synonyms
my advice: it’s time to toughen up
but now 
there’s admission of some guilt
and a weakness of the will
that finds you prostrate at my door

wish you had somewhere to hide that I could find

I wasted many anxious years
peering between the blinds for you
but the changing of the guards couldn’t come quickly enough
sleeping shift or albatross
I don’t remember what I was
Before this form got in the way
what I say? Clocks are ticking us down, cover is getting sparse
return  fire now

I know the middle of it all
is such a tempting time
to propose calling it off
but now
that the blood is on my hands
the Calvary demands
 a swift finishing blow

Albatross

true love will find you in the end
or at least the end will find you
and you might fall in love with that
fine-tuned images of youth
will follow you to hell and back
fueled by good intention

I hear you weeping in your bed
pipe down, we could all use the rest
tomorrow is ruthless

 and who’s fault is that?
Who let the wind steal their whisper?
who’s fault is that?
When the time, I wonder who faltered

magnanimous
has never described me less
I know that it isn’t healthy to hold on
bad analysis 
you can’t be serious
how am I supposed to work with kids’ gloves on
these hairy palms

I see the hatred in your eyes
keep them closed lest they keep me up at night
tomorrow is a fight

 and who’s fault is that?
Who wrote the wrong directions on the map?
who’s fault is that?
Who forgot which way the river’s running?

sometimes
revenge is just a lie, “just lead a decent life”
but I don’t the advisers taking their advice
try harder
clench your fist and turn your hips
you’ll land a decent punch
in time to leave your mark

"""true love"""

Unearthed pages
of epigraphs to leave on
legacies to look back
fondly before moving on
coming up short
it really wasn’t that bad
I made a good run at it
I was proud sometimes (I didn’t look like it)

thunder warned me off
before the wind could erode

half-ideas
I scrawled so I wouldn’t forget
you held them like a gem in your hands
I was embarrassed, I got over it
week after week
if I were smart I would rest
I stay awake for this
I’m afraid of what I’d miss

the lightning warmed me up
i’m on my feet, it’s time to go

any time you felt something
I pulsed because I loved you
warning shots across the bow
I pulsed because I loved you
when you made something out of me
I pulsed because I loved you
when you were careful with my light
I pulsed because I loved you
I pulsed because I loved you

fawm 2023

GUIDE DOG