‘Apologies’ - 26.11.21
Pre-save: https://push.fm/ps/nthn-apologies 

You can call this one an intro
'Cause I've been gone for some time
You might have seen me around
But something's been missing for a while

REINTRODUCTION
To the ones who've been with me so far
And if it's the first time that you're hearing me
I promise you that this is just the start

A couple times I've thought about giving it up
I'd be lying if I said I've never considered it
Especially when you're giving so much
And it feels like no one's listening

But I don't do it for the pay
'Cause I barely make a penny from it
Not for the plays
'Cause I don't get too many of them
But this is my way of saying what I've felt for too long
For too long I used to think I'd never need to

Had to find a way to express it so began with Awake
And now it sounds like I'm back in my old ways

Two years later, it was Paths, a story across ten tracks
But still had too much to say

Another year down the line
I decided that I'd had enough of hiding and that's when I wrote Tides

And Delta had the most honest tracks I've ever put out
But still I find myself with so much more to talk about

I spent a year locked inside these walls and my mind
Watching the world through a Skylight

Thinking 'bout my life and every compromise I've made
Only to find myself wishing that I'd stayed

More true to the values that I once had
To the version of myself that I once was

But when I look back to those days, I guess I'm kinda glad
That I left some of those qualities behind because

I never really used to care for myself
I was never the type to put myself first

Giving everything I could, with no appreciation
Often at the expense of my self-worth

That's why I wanna say the words I wish I'd heard at my lowest
To share the parts of me I used to never wanna show

So I'm never stopping as long as I've got something to say 
Now I'm back and this time I'm here to stay

This is my REINTRODUCTION.

Artwork by BIG MOTH (@bigmothonline)
© & ℗ NTHN / eighteenSAINT 2021

REINTRODUCTION

My expectations for myself are too high for me to ever achieve
I tell myself I'm not to blame but always find it hard to believe
I might look like I've got it all together
But underneath I still deal with the pressure
Despite my best intentions, still question my abilities
Trusting in myself is not as easy as it seems

My confidence is growing but cracks in my self-esteem are still showing
Knowing how to cope doesn’t mean I'm not going through it all in my head
Thinking about everything I should have done instead

But here I go
Apologising for what's out of my control
I've never been the best at letting go
I blame myself when anything goes wrong
When in reality I never could have known
'Cause this feeling never goes away
(Even though I know it's not my fault I still feel the same)
I don't know what makes me feel this way
But it always ends in apologies

I overanalyse my actions way more than I should
And if I ever let you down just know that I did all that I could
'Cause I might not get it right the first time
But trust me when I say that I tried
Most of my time's spent
Trying to keep this up
Trying for those I love
'Cause all I've ever wanted is to feel enough

My confidence is growing but cracks in my self esteem are still showing
Knowing how to cope doesn’t mean I'm not going through it all in my head
Thinking about everything I should have done instead

But here I go
Apologising for what's out of my control
I've never been the best at letting go
I blame myself when anything goes wrong
When in reality I never could have known
'Cause this feeling never goes away
(Even though I know it's not my fault I still feel the same)
I don't know what makes me feel this way
But I'm done with making apologies

Artwork by BIG MOTH (@bigmothonline)
© & ℗ NTHN / eighteenSAINT 2021

Apologies

MUSIC VIDEO OUT NOW:
https://youtu.be/-WoQDps1Vss

Last year a lot changed for me
Plans for the future just seemed to run away from me
Made a couple friends but I lost a couple too
Ended up tied down with nothing I was tied to

Spent a lot of time alone and you know how that gets to me
Staring at my phone, always got somebody texting me
If not I'm writing, trying to figure out my next move
Trying to make sense of the thoughts as they run through my head

Doing better lately but we'll see just how long it lasts
I never usually get my hopes up 'cause I've learnt from my past
So I just keep it moving forward and try not to look back
'Cause for the first time, I feel like I'm on the right track

Don't wanna lose it so I put my heart and soul in this music
I wanna prove it's possible for anyone to get through it
When I kept it to myself, I came too close to limit
And now I'm reading comments saying they relate to my lyrics

Artwork by BIG MOTH (@bigmothonline)
© & ℗ NTHN / eighteenSAINT 2022

Last Year

Metro

Lyrics video out now: https://youtu.be/PEyuo49yeno

------

released for World Mental Health Day

written when I was at my lowest
released when I'm at the best I've been in as long as I can remember

mental health is a universal human right.
there is strength in vulnerability.
there is always someone to talk to.
you are worth talking about.

resources:
www.findahelpline.com
www.throughlinecare.com

Album artwork: BIG MOTH (https://instagram.com/bigmothonline)
P-line: ℗ NTHN
C-line: © NTHN

The Meaning

OFFICIAL LYRICS VIDEO:
https://youtu.be/VC-_-oyLXZw

ABOUT:
I wrote this track after hitting 1M streams on Drowning, about my journey to reaching this point in music and how, despite the challenges, rejection and criticism that come with it, there's a reason I'm still here. HERE TO STAY.

Making music has helped me so much in so many personal ways and over the last year, I've been so lucky to hear from listeners that it's helped them too, when they've been in a rough place. That's all I've ever dreamt of and the biggest goal I've ever had with making music - to be able to reach like-minded people and make even the slightest of difference, like how music helped me in my lowest moments.

So, to all those who have connected with my music and who have found comfort in it - this track is for you. 🤍

HERE TO STAY

artwork by BIG MOTH
(@BIGMOTHONLINE on IG)

Lyrics:

Don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone

Been this way for a long time
Been a while since I felt fine
Still tryna keep myself in line
And I’m still fighting with my own mind
And I've come long way, believe me
But sometimes it's deceiving
Don't wanna go back to the old me
But ignoring the signs isn't easy
Some days I wake up with a nosebleed
Body aches, feeling so weak
Makes me only wanna sleep in
Instead, I'm trying to find the meaning

I’m looking for reasons to keep hope
I’m looking for reasons to stay in control
Just don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone

Don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone (yeah, yeah)

Friends ask if I'm doing okay
But sometimes I don't know what to say
When thoughts of the night help me get me through the day
But nightmares got me lying awake
And it's getting far too familiar
Ask myself "what am I doing here?"
Cause I'm never thinking ‘bout giving up
But this routine's been testing my resilience
So I pick myself up again just like before
Telling myself that there's gotta be more
More to this life than just repetition
I don't wanna exist, wanna feel like I'm living
So gimme a reason to keep hope
Gimme a reason to stay in control
Just don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone

Don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone

Don't Leave Me Alone

Running

Original version: https://soundcloud.com/cloudsampling/nature

Lyrics:

Here I go again
Every now and then I need a way to decompress
Desensitised, every time I feel a little less
Searching for a new sensation so I do it in excess
Guess I never learned my lesson, it's hard to admit
Old coping mechanisms I'm trying to resist
Weighing heavy on my conscience I should probably quit
But right now it's the only thing that's taking me away from it

Fix me for today
I'll pay for it tomorrow
Consequences of my actions are a bitter pill to swallow
With a half empty glass, knock it back until I'm hollow
Probably best you don't follow

Running from my problems, I never needed a
chaser
Wake up in the afternoon and wonder where the day went
I'm not doing well and you can tell from my behaviour
I know that I should ask for help but that's not in my nature, nature
That's not in my nature
Nature
That's not in my nature
Nature
That's not in my nature
Nature
That's not in my nature

Over and over again
Can't break the habit, no matter the damage I know that I'll only regret
Goes hand in hand with helping me manage the memories I wanna forget
Never gets easier, seems like the further I come, the harder it gets
Always appealing when I'm at my lowest, I know that it does me no good
Mistaking the feeling for something that's real, never stop when I know that I should
Cause I never learn, I'm far too concerned with escaping until I feel numb
I know in the morning I'm gonna be wishing to take it all back if I could

Fix me for today
I'll pay for it tomorrow
Consequences of my actions are a bitter pill to swallow
With a half empty glass, knock it back, until I'm hollow
Probably best you don't follow

Running from my problems I never needed a
chaser
Wake up in the afternoon and wonder where the day went
I'm not doing well and you can tell from my behaviour
I know that I should ask for help but that's not in my nature
Nature
That's not in my nature
Nature
That's not in my nature
Nature
That's not in my nature
Nature
That's not in my nature

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