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Brain Picking Picks

Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love

attachment

journey of attachment

attachment pods

Rules versus boundaries (and how to break the rules) in both the personal and professional elements of life. Be ready to "Break The Rules" in relationships, professionally and other aspects of our personal lives for FULFILLING, ABUNDANT, HAPPY SUCCESS in love and business.

rules vs boundaries

The comfort zone can keep us trapped our entire lives if we aren’t paying attention. It keeps us locked in patterns that frustrate us and make us feel we’ll be stuck in the same place forever. As a result, it keeps us from living the life we say we want. We say we want change, but fear pulls us back into the comfort zone because it’s safe (and our subconscious LOVES safe!). Our old beliefs keep us stagnant. 

We stay in our comfort zone for five reasons: familiarity, limitation, validation, control and fear of the unknown. Getting out of it is hard, but creating the motivation for change (which we all have the power to do), can lead to the life you actually want!

The Comfort Zone (And How to Get Out!)

Wild Hot Radiant! (actually everyday should be wild, hot and radiant!) We discussed the deep pleasures of being a woman, as they, my two guests Jane Warren and Kate Rouze, shared the innate abilities women have to live from a place of feminine power while bringing forth the true masculinity in men in their lives. 

We can change our relationships by taking care of our needs, instead of being needy, we become an object of desire (whatever you create, you emanate), learn how to go deeper for more pleasure in and outside of your intimate relationship.

Wild!Hot!Radiant!

Do we sabotage ourselves… and if so, do we do it on purpose? Self-sabotage stems from fear, and is a means of keeping us in our comfort zone where everything is familiar and safe. The subconscious often drives sabotaging behavior, so the key is becoming aware of how you’re standing in your own way. Ever notice how you stop something GOOD from happening, even when it’s what you say you want? Maybe it’s a healthy relationship or dream job that you eventually screw up. Why? Anxiety, fear and/or lack of control are usually the cause because the outcome of what you want is new and uncertain.

Let’s look beyond external validation and change the way we perceive opportunity so we can get what we want! We don’t get there by attaching to outcomes; we achieve our goals by surrendering. Getting uncomfortable is mandatory when surrendering to what is, and recognizing the self-sabotage that keeps you stuck right where you are. To get different results, you must do things differently. Listen in to learn how to create different thoughts, patterns and possibilities.

Surrendering Before We Bottom Out and Sabotage Ourselves

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words. Segment #1 is about taking words out of the game. Not only does this work magic as part of manifesting, it also relaxes us, enhances mindfulness, connects us, opens us up, creates peace inside--happiness, can cure some ailments (though I don't claim any specific cures, as I am not in that business), help with weight loss, basically anything you struggle with, this can help!!! (Inspired by Martha Beck "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World)

Four Tools For How To Manifest without words.  Segment #1

On @designmatters, Debbie Millman interviews the celebrated writer and philosopher Alain De Botton about love, life, and everything in between.

Follow @designmatters for more invigorating conversations with artists, writers, designers, and other creative thinkers.

Background, context, and highlights: https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/06/27/alain-de-botton-the-course-of-love/

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Design Matters: Alain De Botton

Most people I work with (myself included) are always in a hurry. We are in a rush to mentally “get it” and intellectually categorize so we can move on; check the list then throw it away. As a result, we rashly label other people or situations as bad so we can wash our hands of it and step away. By doing that, we think we solve the problem. We don’t. When looking at someone else as the problem, we’re not really moving forward. We’re stuck. And sometimes you have to go backwards to see how you showed up and what you’ve created before you can release yourself.
 
The problem is, we’re in such a rush to keep progressing forward that we miss the important work that comes from slowing down and looking back. We can’t be bothered, and for some reason, we think forward is always better. Like a car on a track with no reverse. But wherever you go, there you are, and cleaning up the past will propel you forward faster than forcing yourself to get there. Listen in to find your reverse gear. In the long-run, you may be surprised to find it’s actually the shorter route.

Going Backwards To Go Forward

Even those of us who have done work on ourselves have patterns that are difficult to break, especially when it comes to relationships. You’ll have moments when you are emotionally triggered, wondering why you are having such a strong reaction to something seemingly innocent. It’s because it actually has nothing to do with the present; it’s all based on past pain. These triggers are like a time machine, taking you back to that moment (or moments) when you felt alone, not good enough, not important, not loveable, imperfect, etc. It can be especially frustrating when it’s something you thought you had already worked through. But no, there it is, staring you in the face again. 

Dating and being in a relationship challenges you and everything you think you’ve “dealt” with. It brings old emotions to the surface without warning or rational explanation. Old pain will show up when you least expect it (or want it), making you feel like you’re on some twisted emotional roller coaster. I’m here to tell you… you can handle it. Buckling yourself in and allowing the flood of emotions is the path to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. While not particularly fun, you will grow infinitely more by allowing the triggers than if you stay single, safely away from their reach. 

The pain can’t be shoved down forever. It will eventually come up, needing to be healed. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to allow the eruption of feelings, then challenge your beliefs that fuel them. It’s about changing your perspective based on what you know NOW and adjusting your expectations. Old pain lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. By trusting that you can handle it and continuing to love yourself, you will stop being imprisoned by it. It’s a process that takes time, but when you release the pain and challenge your beliefs, the triggers start to lose their power.

The Journey of Attachment: How Triggers Uncover Old Pain

The funny thing with attachment is it doesn’t just affect who you’re attached to, but how it feeds your negative beliefs. The latter creates the foundation for your experiences, creating potential problems for you in the future. This is why I tell people not to leave an insecurely attached romance prematurely (provided there is no danger, of course) because even though the situation will change, the beliefs still exist and these people will have to deal with themselves sooner or later. 

As we grow in self-discovery and awareness, we stumble over the same obstacles. If you were in a yo-yo relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of your life, you would be used to inconsistency. Unless you understand WHY you’re drawn to inconsistency (i.e. you don’t deserve better), you will continue to look for it. Even if you get into a healthier relationship with someone who consistently shows up, you’ll look for any hint at inconsistent behavior, creating problems where problems don’t exist. Maybe he/she texts you every night, but was out with friends and didn’t text you. Your “inconsistency” alert will go off and you’ll blame it on the other person, but you wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t have the belief.  

We focus on wanting something different rather than accepting what we have chosen because we don’t realize we have chosen it—it is unconscious until we’re able to spot it. And that just results in future relationships where we’re on pins and needles, looking for our partner to slip up. So let’s get away from these unhappy surprises and bring some awareness to what is going on, and why we choose what we do.

Journey of Attachment: Unhappy Surprises

When we are insecurely attached, we usually show up as the same person, expecting the same thing from an impossible situation. It’s like that expression: If you want your head to stop hurting, stop banging it against a wall. Somehow we think the headache will go away simply because we want it to (even though we keep pounding away). Why do we do this even though we know it’s illogical? Why are we vested in relationships that never meet our needs?
 
We repeat our past because it’s what we know. Our childhood reactions are carried through adulthood so we equate present situations with the past; the players may have changed, but the characters remain the same. Hence, we show up as we always have and respond the same. These patterns allow us to avoid intimacy because they’re based on an old perspective, one that has roots from years of conditioning. Changing our perception is difficult and scary. What if we have to deal with disappointment, imperfection, loss and other unknowns? Better to stay stuck in a loop of what we DO know, even if it keeps us miserable. Better to keep banging our head. Except it’s not better.
 
If you want to get yourself out of the “same thing, different day” routine, you have to stop hiding out. You have to get uncomfortably vulnerable and uncover your deeper truth, then take different actions. It’s time to put an end to the pain and try different. I’ll guide you.

Journey of Attachment: Same Thing, Different Day

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.
 
I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.
 
The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

Journey of Attachment: Fear of Abandonment

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change?

Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change…

While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you?

Journey of Attachment

Journey of Attachment: The Comfort of Dysfunction

Many people fall into a mental trap when working on themselves. They think, “If I know it, I can change it.” Yes, self-awareness is critical because you can’t change what you’re not aware of, but nothing really changes if it stays at the level of the intellect. When you have a mental understanding, that information fits within your existing belief system, becoming a strategy. Many of us in insecurely attached relationships tend to take this new information and apply it to the object of our desire. We don’t necessarily apply it to ourselves emotionally.
 
Change comes from feeling, not thinking. It’s like listening to this podcast. Either you’re going to take an emotional risk or you’re going to say, “Oh, yes, I get it. That makes sense! Maybe I’ll try that later when it’s safe.” Unfortunately waiting for “safe” means waiting forever. If you don’t embrace the fear and discomfort that comes with emotional risk, you’re just playing a game of mental ping pong. Intellectualizing your life leads to repeating the same things over and over. In an insecurely attached relationship you will go over the same dynamic when you intellectualize or strategize change. And change is an illusion when it remains in someone else’s hands… not your own. 
 
Many of us are willing to take mental risks, but not emotional ones. So what’s an emotional risk? Speaking your truth; showing the real you; expressing what you’ve been repressing; detaching from outcomes. The greatest job, relationship, etc. won’t matter if you mentally manage your life. That isn’t where fulfillment stems from. If you do it emotionally, it will be different.

Journey of Attachment: Why Intellectualizing Change Doesn’t Work

Anxiety and insecure attachment often go hand-in-hand. I’ve thought about this a lot recently because my boyfriend has no real concept of anxiety and that horrible feeling I used to have that I might die. Why? Because he’s securely attached. It’s helped me see how far I’ve come in my own growth because I don’t suffer like I used to, but at the same time I realize how much anxiety played a role in my life, especially with the partners I chose. I used to pick men who had their own issues around insecure attachment, which reflected all of my insecurities and perpetuated this cycle of unease. Healthy relationships based in secure attachment are NOT characterized this way, but I didn’t have a clue; I thought my relationship experiences were perfectly normal.

If you’re not honest with yourself about who you’re choosing and why, you’ll keep focusing on people who reflect your own insecurities, increase your anxiety and aren’t available for emotional support. When in an anxious state, you don’t make choices based on what you want… you unknowingly make them out of fear. You choose relationships that enable you to relive childhood fears of abandonment, creating a constant state of insecure anxiety. To become more secure, you have to consistently connect with those out-of-control feelings. You have to stop engaging in behavior which perpetuates the cycle of making your problems worse, and look at where you are emotionally closed. When you’re able to get to the point where you’re no longer watching the other person to see what happens, it’s a sign you’ve loosened anxiety’s grip on you.

Journey of Attachment: Choosing Partners To Ensure You Stay Anxious

No one wants to be called “needy” or “clingy,” so if you’re exhibiting this kind of behavior, you may be afraid to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s the last thing you want to admit to, especially if you fear judgment for it. Usually, you are in a relationship where you feel your needs are ignored or you have to be extra-special to get them fulfilled. Your image starts to crack, revealing your neediness. Then the shame kicks in because you do NOT want that label.

Neediness comes from a deep need to be validated and not abandoned by someone else. Maybe you feel misunderstood by your partner, and have this burning desire for him/her to understand you. But when that attempt fails, the walls close in and you feel out of control so you cling even tighter, while simultaneously feeling ashamed for your actions. It’s like watching a bad movie you can’t turn off. But blaming yourself for these needy feelings and actions only perpetuates the problem, reinforcing the negative beliefs your neediness triggers. You are your own worst judge, and it becomes a shame storm of biblical proportions.

If you find yourself in this situation, realize it’s about you and your negative beliefs; it has nothing to do with the other person and what they did or didn’t give you. All they have done is trigger what already lives inside of you. Seeking validation from someone else that you’re ok will keep you stuck in the needy cycle. So how do you get out? This may be surprising, but don’t try to halt your neediness because that will just keep the energy trapped inside you. If you’ve already started down that path, let the crazy out. Then, feel the shame. It’s awful, but the more you hide from it the worse it is. When you connect with your feelings and build your value, you won’t need to cling because you’re getting what you need from yourself.

Journey of Attachment: The Shame of Being Needy

It’s hard to watch someone you care about being disrespected. You might even get pissed and wish you could control their reaction, wanting to yell out, “Why do you let him/her treat you that way?!” Maybe YOU even start treating them badly because they’re teaching you that behavior is ok. It’s not conscious—you’re just picking up on their modeling. So, what signals are you giving other people about how to treat you?

Let’s say your partner is complaining about how their brother treats them. You’ve heard it over and over—the brother never calls, he’s never supportive, etc. And yet, if that brother needs help, your partner is the first to jump up and volunteer. It’s frustrating and painful. Perhaps you bring it up and your partner gets defensive, tempting you to show them the same level of disrespect they are showing themselves. It’s hard to let them do whatever they are going to do without jumping on the disrespect bandwagon because that’s the behavior they are modeling… and humans learn a lot from modeling.

When someone’s behavior triggers you and your reaction is to treat them poorly, catch yourself. Instead of mirroring their behavior, show compassion. Understand you can’t control what they do or how they allow themselves to be treated; it’s all based on their belief system, coming from a place of pain or insecurity. Doing this will also make you more aware of your own signals, and how you’re teaching others to treat you.

Teaching People How To Treat You

When you’re not happy with your current situation—whatever it is—you may feel angry. You think you’re pissed at the outside world, but really your anger lies with yourself. You don’t accept where you are; it’s not where you want to be. So in an attempt to quell your anger, you try to control other people, forcing your will upon them and manipulating them to do what you want. This provides a distraction so you don’t have to take responsibility for the choices you have made.

This happens quite often in unhealthy relationships. You beat yourself up for being in a situation you can’t get out of, but you don’t own your role in staying. The end result is anger. Why did the universe put you here? Until you take responsibility for your choices, you will continue to be the angry victim, thinking everything and everyone is conspiring against you. Anger feels powerful and comfortable because it’s a familiar emotion. It enables a sense of self-righteousness: It’s not ME who is causing this, it’s everything around me. All this does, however, is keep you stuck in wanting your external world to change, which is the opposite of empowering

The next time you’re angry at your situation (for many of you that’s right now!), look at the choices you made to get where you are. You always have a choice, even if it’s simply the perspective you take to look at things. Anger is a choice. So you can continue down that path, being angry at the world, or you can accept that you got yourself here. Not someone else… YOU. There is no power in anger; power comes from taking responsibility for your decisions. Start owning your role and anger will slip away.

Controlling Others So You’re Not Angry With Yourself

Your relationship isn’t going well. You don’t feel heard or appreciated, but you think if your partner would just try harder to do what you want him/her to do consistently, you’d feel better. Instead, you feel undermined because your feelings are dismissed; clearly you are “imagining things.” You’re angry, yet you remain in a stalemate with this person with you blaming and them defending. Even if you “get” your mate to change, things will resume to the way they were pretty quickly because the desire to change is coming from you, not them.

You may not see this as a game of manipulation, but it is. You’re trying to control your partner, making him/her do what you want. Feeling disregarded or disrespected can be painful, but it is a reflection of your own beliefs and insecurities—not the shortcomings of your partner. If you need your partner to be someone other than who they are, it’s time to turn the mirror around and ask what you’re not giving to yourself. Instead of pointing out their inconsistencies, look at your own. A partner isn’t a band-aid for what you’re unwilling to see in yourself.

As with everything in relationships, it starts with YOU. You are an equal participant, so stop distracting yourself by thinking they are the problem. To have an open-hearted relationship, you need to be open-hearted. Ask what expectations you have of your partner and why. Are those expectations based in reality or fantasy? What does happiness look like for you? If you need someone to change to make you feel ok, get to the core beliefs behind it. Manipulation just leads to struggle. Isn’t it time to look at why you’ve chosen this person and what they’ve allowed you to avoid in yourself?

Journey of Attachment: Manipulation Doesn’t Lead to Change

A lot of us live in our head, disconnected from our feelings and intuition. This podcast touches on releasing insecure attachment, accepting your authentic self and getting “unstuck” by connecting to how you FEEL instead of how you THINK. I’ve been there, and discuss sensitive subjects using my own experiences with a lot of laughs and even more empathy… because we’re all flawed humans.