Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of goofy, meme-status salesmen; Phil Swift of Flex Seal vs Morshu from Link: The Faces of Evil. Enjoy!

Michael Stark as Phil Swift
Mr. Tibbs as Morshu
Written by Commander Jacob (w/ help from Michael Stark, Evan Raspberry, Snakebite126, and Atronauch's Aura)
Mixed by Freshy Kanal
Prod. by FM75

-LYRICS-

Phil:
Yo! Phil Swift here, and I’m not that impressed, dog
So watch as this Flabby Mask Salesman’s gets Flexed on
My family of products is double what you could manage
You kicked the bucket, and I’m stabbing it; now that’s a lotta damage
Your YouTube presence is more than Poop. It’s worse, in fact
I’m so sharp on the mic *bzzz* I sawed this verse in half! 
No patching, bonding, sealing, or repairing after this shit
Imagine what you’d do when Mr. Flex Steal your business
We ain’t even equal. You’ve got no place in the sequels
I’d just watch your RTX if I wanted Faces of Evil
Beatbox all you want, it won’t stop what I’ve built up
By now, you should be used to getting embarrassed by Philips

Morshu:
Weird flex, but okay. This lamp oil’s got me lit
These hands? They’re yours, my friend. You’re gonna pay for this
As long as you have bars that can take this ill diss
2nd hand Billy Mays should switch his name to Phil Thrift
You’re not getting outta this; I already got you roped in
With all that Flex Seal, it’s a given you’ve got no drip
How’d you make a soap picture dirty? You rascal
That reflects pretty poorly; especially off of your shower handle
I’ve got a full stock with how often I drop bombs
Your glue wouldn’t have stuck if not for JonTron
Sorry Phil, I can’t give shits in this bicker
So come back when you can spit a little, mmmm, sicker!

Phil Swift vs Morshu | Half-Ass Rap Battle

uh okay so uh basically i had a dream where i saw rowan atkinson at a party and played him bean vs chaplin which is why i used that beat but the announcer just said jim henson vs bowser jr so here we are happy april fools

Mr. Tibbs as Jim Henson/Kermit the Frog
Snakebite126 as Bowser Jr./Shadow Mario
Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Freshy Kanal
Prod. by InsaneBeatz

-LYRICS-

Jim:
Yo! My army’s more than a frog for this lizard
Origami King? I’m the Fraggle rock to your scissors 
You’re like Oscar the Grouch’s house, because you’re trash
Kermit:
Walking ‘round tryna kill a dude with a mustache 
I run this Sesame Street, but got those underground bars
Kermit:
With those goofy rhymes, makes sense that you ride a clown car
Spit Dark like a Crystal. I’m second to no other
Kermit:
Mario? You need Maury, bro.
Jim:
Peach is not the mother!

Bowser Jr.:
This is Boswer Jr.’s Fury, so don’t bother running up
Cuz I Shine on the mic and I burn like the Sun. You’re done!
Check that ugly mug, my paintbrush couldn’t touch it up
So make like your Muppets and shove it up in your fucking butt
Those rhymes were cancer. Did they come out your damn throat?
I make shadows puppets
Shadow Mario:
you just live your puppet’s shadow
After always snatching F.L.U.D.D., I’m used to taking flows away
Bowser Jr.:
I’ll drop the brush, I just painted you more red than Elmo’s face

Jim Henson vs Bowser Jr. | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of annoying companions; Navi from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time vs Clippy, forgotten assistant of Microsoft Office. Enjoy!

garbageGothic as Navi
Commander Jacob as Clippy
Written and thumbnailed by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Prod. by Lucy Beatz

-LYRICS-

Navi:
Hey! Wake up! To believe you're better, you must've been asleep forever
It’s funny how this paper clip can’t get his sheet together
Microsoft thought “he’s the best solution for confusion”
Then they moved on to Cortana; Combat THAT Evolution
I mean, which sounds more useful: tips for using a longsword
Or popping up to pester about using the wrong “your?”
You’d think your googly eyes would help you see me sparkling
I’m locking on to this lost kid: Z-list targeting
When it comes to navigators, you’re not topping Navi, honey
Can’t even swing in the same tree as BonziBuddy
Look, listen when I'm dissin', I'll leave The Fucking Clown in heaven
In rap, you have no XP like it's 2007

Clippy:
Clippy’s blicky’s getting clicky when I appear and disrupt her
Seems you need lesson in basic lyrical structure
So stop all the bottled up blabbering when we're battling
Your whole role needed that red squiggle; my bad for Tatl-ing
Run from me like I'm Ganon and see that you're way beyond errant
Clippy Turner gonna wish away this Fairly Odd Parent
Catch me with a hyperlink and you're sent to a rad place
You got a hyper Link? He’s belting at grass blades (HYAAAH!)
Your only purpose was to sit on top the kid’s dome
By the Time you hit the Temple, that and you flew out the window
I mean, he can search the woods, but he don't really got time
But he might find more trees for you to worship and watch die

Navi vs Clippy | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of failed video game experiments: Kinect for Xbox 360 vs Nintendo's Virtual Boy. Enjoy!

Snakebite126 as Kinect
Commander Jacob as Virtual Boy
Written and thumbnailed by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Prod. by Voodoo

-LYRICS-

Kinect (0:15)
Yo, is this my competition? Cuz if I were to predict it more
You’ll drop a couple lines, then they’ll bring in the 64
Clear the tables! Oh wait, you need one to be stable
You can't hang with this player; you never made the damn cable
You should read your own warnings and just give it a rest, mate
It’s like the Oculus Quest came with ocular headaches
Two D-pads, but no direction. Boy, Nintendo didn't miss you
I can't let one diss continue before you were discontinued
Strap in for this: don’t make your players tape you down
The only way you’d be portable is now; I’m boutta take you out
This chunky View Master with sticks for a stand had a Wario game and that shit didn’t Land
VR32 with 22 games; your whole library can fit in one hand
Slaying your nerd shit, making you nervous, Boy you're Virtually unplayable, worthless
There’s one difference amid you and me: I'm getting gamers shaking on purpose

Virtual Boy (0:51)
I got your head spinning 360, cuz when I flow
My comeback game is so unbelievable; call me Milo
You’ll be flying Solo in this dance for the best score
14 bars? You're so primitive, you can hardly Connect Four
Without a Wiimote, you're what's tossed to the wall
Man, you should've been aborted when you were Project Natal
Don't talk libraries, your was just a disaster
Tech demos and bland kiddie shit: Kinectimal Crackers
Your rapping and camera tracking ain’t matching with VB
Cuz I’m always in the zone, and you still can’t freaking see me
Sound the Red Alarm. I'm too fly, boy
Punchlines like Teleroboxer; smack a hack back to a black Eye Toy
Can't help seeing red when facing you, so hold it down
Wanna try to keep pushing buttons? Look who needs a controller now

Xbox Kinect vs Virtual Boy | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to -Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of ghosts that, according to legend, communicate to the living through paper. Enjoy!

Fightmarker as Charlie
Commander Jacob as Smitty
Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Fightmarker
Prod. by Allrounda

-LYRICS-

Charlie (0:18)
Yo! If a skeleton thinks he’ll win with spooky scary songs
There must be one thing in your drinking hat; Smitty WerbenJagerbombs
I’ll blare loud, your boneheads should be scared now
They should’ve left you with your hat; rotting in a warehouse
I’ll let the gallows drop and snare ya
Porque eres más débil en esto juego de la lapicera
A crab trashed your graveyard, no way we'll see you Float
You were number one, like the piss I've taken on your tombstone

Smitty (0:40)
Limit your words to what’s on your paper, recite that
Cuz kid, that was disgusting, I just want the mic back
This Doodlebob ouija board couldn't even start to harm me
So if my skeletons attack, Good Luck Charlie Charlie
A Mexican kid with a white-ass name? That’s preposterous 
I won’t stop till your soul’s crossed off the top of my shopping list
I'm like a pencil in your challenge, you can blow me, dick face
Here lies your hopes and dreams of being more than cheap clickbait!

Charlie Charlie vs Smitty Werbenjägermanjensen | Half-Ass Rap Battle

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of bird games abandoned by their owners: Red from Angry Birds vs Mr. Crow from Catastrophe Crow. Enjoy!

@freshykanal as Red
Commander Jacob as Mr. Crow
@sw4nked as Chuck
@superthingsoncupsss as Bomb
@snakebite126 as the Jays

Written by Commander Jacob & GamingPlush64
Mixed & mastered by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by Anywaywell
Crow model by El Stephono

-LYRICS-

Red (0:09)
I thought the pigs’ plot was enough to make me pissed off
But now I gotta fling hot disses straight off the slingshot
We stay protecting kids way before they frickin' hatch
Fitting that this little brat came from a baby’s chicken scratch
You have, like, 20 vids, there’s no way you can catch up
I got raps up my sleeve, while your sleeve is just wrapped up 
Your cartridge and Daddy will stay old and grey
Loner strayed, flew the coup, and never stayed to raise his precious golden egg

Mr. Crow (0:28)
I see you, Red. I’d tear apart your cardinal sins
But we can bond over the crow language it’s clear your bars were in
Or maybe not, after your latest failures, I observed that
Your servers must have been cursed bad by the evil Sir Cat!
Those absurd raps are calling me to stay and work at
A verse that can take you down so we can’t see these birds flap
I stack hits like blocks, show you an L, and tower you
Lemme just lay this down if I gotta spell it out for you
While I respect protecting your nest from turning into a bed and breakfast 
Your tactics lack any sense of direction when flinging heads into wreckage 
You got rich from your title? 
Your only golden shower nowadays is piss from your idol!

Red (0:57)
Your word vomit couldn’t even keep my chicks fed
He won’t be home ever again after that shit’s wrecked
We get money like Hal; our green’s coming around
I’ll put you down - 6 crows feet under the ground
I stay squaded up. Yo, Jay, Bomb, and Chuck
Let’s show this winged black sheep why they can’t flock with us
Chuck (1:11)
Ugh, speedy time, you weakley swine! We can rhyme with an eagle’s might
But maybe translating your 800 languages can come out with a decent line
Bomb (1:16)
No teddy bear to cuddle with, you can’t get your dad back
You weren’t even worthy to get stuffed in a bear’s backpack
The Jays (1:21)
Get Butchered, no Adam. We’re sick when we’re splitted
Attacking and rapping, we’re killer in triplets
Red (1:26)
When I’m spitting off the bill, no way you can get through to me
I’m knocking over all your builds and breaking down your Unity
Cause me and my boys got the skill, destruction isn’t new to me 
So if you wanna talk to Nils, stop using your community
We’ll die a martyr just to stop the piggie’s punk shit
At least write to Marta before you run away and jump ship
Fuck demon cats, development’s you’re only hell now
The only flight you've taken is the staircase you fell down
Nothing your fans theorize will make Thea rise
So now Lorenz himself will eternally need to be revived


Crow (1:50)
You dumb shits, thrown at the wall to see what sticks
You lucky mother-cluckers should be glad ya landed one hit
Both Rovio and Opus didn’t know what they were asked for
I took it to the depths, you took it off the App Store
You wanna bring a squad in? Face a murder of crows
To checkmate your flock of pawns and submerge 'em with flows
I’ll pop your whole arsenal and I’ll leave with three gold stars
The last nail in my coffin? I’m breaking free with each crowbar
No one’s wanting (ugh) all your cash-ins (nah)
All they wanted was to make you zip through blocks
You were launching (eh), now you’re crashing (ouch!)
Made some bubble games, and that shit went pop
Not talking PCs when I clip your head through a window
Your money bag-headed developers ain’t enough to scare this crow
It’s no sweat ending these legless and armless balls
The least hard thing I’ve gone through is a concrete wall
Your player’s gone too, now that you’re off phones
2 birds, 1 throne. I’ve finally gone home

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Angry Birds vs Catastrophe Crow | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of mysterious entities that just stare at you: Mereana Mordegard Glesgorv vs Hell Valley Sky Trees. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Mereana

Rabi as purple Tree
GamingPlush64 as green Tree
Fightmarker as blue Tree

Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by Dumbchild

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Mereana Mordegard Glesgorv vs Hell Valley Sky Trees | Half-Ass Rap Battles

idk

cj as lee
gamer as blue shell

written by cj
mixed by serener zagreener
beat by twodeep

lee:
I’d rather rap against Blueface. I bet your momma’s a hoe
More annoying than the blue shell from New Super Mario Bros
I shot JFK so go AFK or expect hell
Cuz if I fire one bullet, I'll turn you to a red shell

shell:
I always smash from behind… oh hey, your mom called
I’m known to take out mustachioed people, Steve Harvey Oswald
Even though your not in first place cuz you rap poopy
I’m blasting shells at you, call me Jack Ruby

Blue Shell vs Lee Harvey Oswald | Quarter-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of vision-obscuring, similarly-named video game enemies. Left 4 Dead’s Boomer versus Super Mario’s Blooper. Enjoy!

Freshy Kanal as Boomer
EddieFRB as Blooper

Written by Commander Jacob
Beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Freshy Kanal
Beat produced by 2Deep

-LYRICS-
Boomer: 
Yo! Back up, squiddy. Your dick-shaped head is gonna be leaking
I’ll splatter a couple colors everywhere; so here’s an Inkling
I'm even wavy when I break in half
I'm out-taking lives. Bloopers getting cut because he just makes me laugh
Boom-bap blasting in your face when im speaking shit
Blow chunks and then you'll just see green if you peep me Creeping in
Bile emanating. Spreading sauce; this calamari is dead
By eliminating this Sharpie, ill kick him out the party again
Rip off your arms, no Sunshine at all
What kinda underwater creature gets killed by a fireball
And you're wack on a track, I hope ya heard what i mean
The shit I vomit covers more than a third of the screen

Blooper:
This ain't a drive-by. Your ass would just stress the kart
Plus I'd be better off rapping against a jar
Waddle up and die in one shot. And best of all?
you look like King Bob-Omb with high cholesterol
Think about it, you're only useful in surprise attacks
But I can see your chonky ass from a mile back
I go *splat* in your fat face, better think fast
Your girl rides me like a surfboard then empties my ink sac
I lightly shove you off? you’re not a threat to me
To do damage? Bring in a horde of enemies
I don't care if it ain't cool
If I wanted a boomer too slow to make shit, I'd go battle Gabe Newell

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Boomer vs Blooper | Half-Ass Rap battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of color-swapped clone stalkers: Herobrine, spirit of the brother of the creator of Minecraft, versus the Mario Silhouette, castle wanderer found in personalized copies of Super Mario 64. Enjoy!

Mr. Tibbs as Herobrine
Commander Jacob as The Mario Silhouette 

Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Fightmarker
Beat produced by InsaneBeatz
Feedback by GamingPlush64, Mr. Tibbs, bloody_queers, Zagranis, Fightmarker, etc.

-LYRICS-
Herobrine:
See me in the distance? Hope those star doors stay shut
I don't want Piranha Plant biting off me more when we wakes up
I got the godly flows to diminish distant cosmic clones
I’ll make it red when I slam your head against the cobblestone
White eyes with a wide bite but I ain’t no Chain Chomp
Mr. Sit and Watch can picture what to do when his frames drop
Bark at me, my sword will chop like cutting leaves from a tree
So don’t run up on me, I've got a whole overworld under me

MS:
I see yooou, and I’ve tracked your plans to spit bars hot
But walk in His Domain? I‘m swinging hands like Tick Tock Clock
Painful like stained glass windows. Funny: Brine’s in a pickle
Stunting with the all-black fit, though you just changed couple pixels
I’ll make you black out. This wound you can't patch out
I’m jumping this painting. No retexturing, he’ll just crash now
I’ve had it up to the fourth floor. You've been here too long
Your fans are like you: minors who can’t move on

Herobrine:
Shadow Mario’s shadow hardly flowed in a way worth considering morbid
I'm sending this bitch through a portrait and burying him in the Fortress
Or bringing some torches and burning your boring-ass lore before you start running
I'm making pyramids up and appear and they pass the polygonal palace you’re stuck in
If you're talking about design, why would I cut out the lights
Darkness surrounds you, right? So how could you count as bright
Fuck your cryptic text. Think I'm scared when you display that?
I'm the type to slash kill, but not in a game chat

MS:
Players see you, they know you're there, and even screenshot
I bust their cartridge and make their CRT screen shot
You muck with streams while I run their dreams
Bowser has to take a sub to me. YouTubers use you just to say “sub to me”
Trap you in the walls so it blocks the rhymes I can’t stand
Try stealing coins. I catch that? Start shifting out; sand land
Potions and teleporting ain’t enough to catch me, my friend
Encounter me and see a void meaning you’ll meet your End

Herobrine:
All this glitch can offer is one wiki that’s vacant
Your hip-hop’s softer than MIPS in the basement
This AI without the I cant reach my level, just try
Mock me one more time and I’ll default skin you alive
You’re running in circles. I can do this all day
Read the signs: please die quietly in the hallway

MS:
I wish your knock-off novels were your only words hurting my eyes
But I'll make sure this eulogy's Persson-alized
Mr. 2 bit isn't even cared about by their own kin
Someone must be shooting up… but there’s no Hero win
Mama-mia! You’re not worth comparing Luigi to
Obsessed with griefing others cuz your brother never greaves for you

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Herobrine vs The Mario Silhouette | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of Barry's who found meaning in their lives when taking flight; Barry Steakfries, main character of Jetpack Joyride vs Barry Benson, main character of the Bee Movie. Enjoy, and happy April Fool's!

King Mewtwo as Steakfries

Zawesome as Benson

- LYRICS -

Welcome to another Barry vlog, I hope you're excited
We got a bug who couldn't score close to a B minus 
Warburton should boot whoever wrote your shit
I can hear Jerry in the booth like “wHaT’s ThE dEaL wItH tHiS sCrIpT?”
Film companies don't gotta kick into high gear
Cuz DreamWorks' fly bee won’t see any Buzz for Lightyears 
Which Barry will bury the other? No discussion
Probably not the one who hits on his own cousin 
When I'm dripping on him, he'll drop like it's rain water
Found a granny and decided to swat her? Get smacked with a swatter
And you murked Winnie? Where’s this geek's morality
Oh wait, you're the one who put the “bee” in beastiality

I'll carry this on my back cuz I'm plane amazing
When I'm done you’ll really run endlessly this time
But according to all known laws of aviation
There’s no way that a bee… could be this fly!
Adam, relax; he’s not a human. I’m correct
Cuz he’s built like a mini-fridge and dude don't have a neck
You Halfbrick half-wit, imma smack this fellow
Sweater reppin the east hive; black and yellow, black and yellow
Here's your last crossover for you to exploit for cash
You must get along with your dog cuz you got stale in a Flash
Ya like when I'm jazzed up or are you getting peeved
Man, look at your jacket, you got nothing up your sleeve 

Joke about my sleeves? Now your fun’s stopping
Cuz this shotty on my back ain’t the only guns popping
I won't be lying! I'll beeline past your bee line, you slacker
… if I say “bee” more will you end faster?
Cannon's blasting, there's no use hiding under cups
Dude told a girl "you didn't kill me, now I'm dumb in love"
Strong Arm Machine! Without S.A.M. I’ll still fuck you up
Keep eating Cheerios, I’ll be making your Honey Nut
Wanna go to court? You’ll be sentenced to life with
Charges of ruining flowers and a shitty Xbox tie-in
Here's the only way you'll ever be that hot
Call you Cardi Bee Benson with that Weak-Ass Plot

Funny you mention breaking up couples
Cuz while you were riding your bird, I found your girl up on Bumble
I’m that ballin’ pollen jock, but you can hop off of mine
“Steakfries” is right with your medium and salty rhymes
But lemme really break it down ‘til this guy is frownin’
He ain’t a Steakfries, his real name is Friesenhausen
Cuz mommy wanted a Gareth but mistyped, and now his
Whole life he got a name you sound like a troglodyte pronouncin' 
What's the Age of these Zombies selling you for a fast buck?
The most legit thing about you is where you stole your pack from 
Here’s one more stinger so you get the point, guy
You’re so tired out; I'll call you Jetlag Joyride

Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Beat produced by William Davies
Mixed by Fightmarker (w/ help from Freshy Kanal)
Feedback by JustGamer, GamingPlush64, Fightmarker, and the spaceship

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Bee Movie vs Jetpack Joyride | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of animations of a character simply moving forward… one a bit happier than the other; former meme icon Nyan Cat vs lost episode creepypasta Suicidemouse.avi. Enjoy!

garbageGothic as Cat
Commander Jacob as Mouse

- LYRICS -

Suicidemouse: 
Haha, well hi there! I'm sure the kids wanna see me snapping
But we have so much in common! I’m also… Really Happy
Want some space? You’ll have nowhere to scream to
How am I to speak to this little half-bit Miku?
Maybe I’m a bit grumpy, but this feline brat
Was a stupid meme making everyone past the age of 9Gag
Putting on a sombrero? Thinking that we’ll laugh at it?
Cringe is the one culture you appropriate on accident

Nyan Cat:
I'm just being derpy! but it came to a frickin’ halt
By a rat so revolting, he’s not even kept in the Disney Vault
Whatever Walt did, he lost it like Maltin
And fathered in all cringe lost episodes that’ve dropped since
Maybe it’s because no one’s given you the right design
That you’re always in a Funk, and not just on Friday Night
Lie down, gramps! I’mma grab the black and white chalk
And trip you when I lay this down like I’m paving the sidewalk
Kitty versus rodent? They cheer the very moment
I'm on screen and I'm shown with that pixel rainbow
Your story has no focus. There's no film left to roll with
I can end your psychosis. Want death? Just say so
I was made for charity, is that so bizarre?
No need to waffle around, we see how Tacky you are
You’re hand-drawn, but your ink game’s completely wack
But don't come step into my world, you’ll just re-Relapse!

Suicidemouse: 
Think you can shock me? Funnily,
You can’t go hard on someone who finds the concrete they’re walk on comforting
You can’t fill my shoes, let alone try a mile
And with a mind so vile, I have the wider smile?
I’ll be transparent, that’s what AVI just have to do
Seeing sights of hell wouldn't make your viewers come back for you 
I do this with my arms behind my back.
I'm real. Cut it out. Either way, everything in your sight’s turning black
Fuck a pastry, I’m actually closer
To sticking your head on a fork and shoving that in the toaster 
So stay on-guard. Your tiny paws might grab a glock, scarred
Then this sweet Pop-Tart might get his brain popped hard
And your missus? Your mind's missing if you think I won't be mean to her
Mortimer will mortify much more than a meteor
The spirit of her should've left you at the cliff
So the strawberry could splatter and "SpReAd ThE hApPiNeSs"
If being lol random’s your whole identity
When I put an X over your eyes, it won’t be next to 3
Plus, all that good will? Feeling like a friend to tweens?
Went straight to the void just cuz you had to make an NFT

Nyan Cat:
(... awkward)
I’m sure you think you hit a nerve that’s depressing
But I guess, at best, old cartoons are known for projecting
I’m throwing shade, you should deal with it and rest
If you think you can't be Slicker, that's exactly why Minnie left
Gun? Gas? Found a tree to hang on it? None of those ways stopped shit?
She really stripped your happiness, call that a rage comic
You’re not gonna leave a little dent on my bliss
Or kinda come close; Treasure Island
Think screaming loud gonna do a lot?
You’re just gonna wind up broken like your music box
You’re a Deadmau5 without knowing how spin shit 
Dirty, out-of-pocket; like your old syringes 
You’re intimidating? With the way you are
I induce more fear when I’m saying “rawr”
For a Disney short, your story’s such a slog, bro
So what I think you meant is real buffering is not known

Written, and Suicidemouse beat produced by Commander Jacob
Nyan Cat beat produced by Yusha
Suicidemouse originally played by Cri
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Feedback by The Spaceship

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Nyan Cat Vs Suicidemouse.avi | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of flying, sleep-centered video game villains; The Phantom, Minecraft’s monster of the night sky, versus Nightmare Buzz, the bad dream boss of the Toy Story video game for SNES and Genesis. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Phantom
Mr. Tibbs (Gridline Studios) as Nightmare Buzz

-LYRICS-

Phantom (0:15):
Bad dream? Nah, it’s just this dude’s carelessness
Tag Team tonight’s victim; Swoop! There it is! 
Take away those dollar store Dragon Balls, whatcha Saiyan now?
Don't bother tryna keep your head up, your chin'll weigh it down 
Narcoleptic? Off the checklist. Nah, this creep’s devoured
Coated red like older textures. Wanna piece of our
Mem-brains? Ya get ten scrapes to your chestplate! Say goodnight, dude!
Your defense play’s a pretend laser? I’ll Explain, sir; it’s only going down like you
Homie, we know you ain’t zapping shit 
And if you don’t feel like vanishing
Get under the covers when Phantoms hit
Make a bed you'll forever be napping in 
Making you return to your dreamscape (yuh)
With an even-more-green face (yuh)
Make sure that you’ll sleep great (where’s that?)
Deeper than deepslate
We put the fear in atmosphere for this toy
Watching this space junk drop like a meteoroid! 
Unbreakable. Make a bed rock while we’re up in the clouds
Leaving a Buzz cut; we're number 1 all around

Nightmare Buzz (1:03):
I’m glad you’re done, I’ve never heard such bad flow
In any battle, guess your turn’s just mad slow 
Either way, you’ll be shot down. I sleep on you, you’re knocked out 
I know it’s time to kill you; guess you don’t needa… watch out! 
This sentient Elytra’s dumb. I don’t need to light ‘em up
These Dodgers of a Bright Sky combust without the slightest touch 
But I Imagine that having you in real life’s a must
Gamers playing, staying up this many days and nights is nuts 
I conclude this Phantom Menace is worse, by far 
Even in death, what I drop’s higher than 5 stars 
You’ll hit the ground like Woody’s game over. Brew some ‘brane potions
Throw them, and savor your pain going way slower  
Go ghost like Danny! Green eyeballs? I’ll pop ‘em
Hearing you Phantoms screech is… not an Opera 
On second thought, I take a liking to those high blares
Akin to the screaming kids whose dreams I turn to nightmares

Written, directed, edited, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Fightmarker
Beat produced by NickChou
Additional instruments by Renraku, Grant Michael, Diaspora, and Sample Magic

Feedback by King Mewtwo, GamingPlush64, RNG, TheBabyBeef, Swizkii, my therapist, Eddiefrb and the spaceship
Shoutout to Cri, Danii, and Eric the Audible

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Phantom vs Nightmare Buzz | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of horrible collectathon games; Data Design Interactive’s infamous Ninjabread Man versus Preston’s Hourglass. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Preston Ramirez
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@CommanderJacob
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/commander_jacob
SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/commanderjacob

Rosenthal as Ninjabread Man
YouTube:
https://youtube.com/@rosenthal5904?si=QJMCXg9nvRyrKt9g
SoundCloud:
https://on.soundcloud.com/cmCkAVLLNpLdHBJK7

-LYRICS-

Preston (0:10)
Ramirez on the mic, you’re unwelcome in my domain
I’ll crush your candy bars cuz I’m fucking insane
Twist you up; pretzel. Disappear; presto
Motion controls? Now your buttons getting pressed, bro

Drown you in a sea of punchlines. I’m a hitter
My money can’t be thicker; hourglass figures
Bash your skull in, you’ll get left with dents
Not a fan? Explain that pressed-in head

Cuz I’m p-r-e-s-t-o-n-exclamation
Call Zool, get your reject remake and remake it
This little cookie is not tough
Ninjabread. Is. Ticking… me off, cunt

DDI’s like CDI. Maime you and your lazy twins
Bring all the shovelware; just more graves to dig
Don’t ask for the dough-jo, You're not worth half a dime
It’s not just Anubis being lost to the sands of time

Ninjabread Man (0:53)
Fuck a swarm of bees, this is some buggy shit
Get the mic outta your hand; human or oven mitt
Indie dissing employees; you be-little
Now catch this candyman crack down Mr. Peanut Brittle

As for your wife, ever wonder why her ass ain’t home?
She’s at my place letting me explore her catacombs
But now I wish I didn’t think to get kinky
Because the both of you look like some sorta wrinkly Twinkies

You’re a product of Baldi and Banban, and Bendy
And Tattletail, Spooky, and Granny, and Slendy
So don't talk remade shit
How do walls only made of gray bricks counter oversaturation?

You look like your hat shoulda been a bedpan
Check the headband. Wu-Tang shit; NinjaRedman
You Crashed more than Bandicoot! It’s not right
Not talking mechanics; tell Dreadful it’s…  stop time

-CREDITS- 

Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Fightmarker
Beat produced by 2Deep
Additional instruments by Capsun ProAudio and David Oliver

Feedback by Shimario, bloody_queers, and the spaceship
Shoutout to JustGamer, RNG, ColeTheCole, Nugget, and Walk

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Ninjabread Man vs Preston's Hourglass | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Friend Inside Me
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/commander_jacob

VinnyO as Man in the Suit
https://linktr.ee/yuugenvinny

-LYRICS-
Friend Inside Me (0:19)
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.
Friend inside me. Friend inside me.

Man in the Suit (0:38)
(Inaudible)

-CREDITS-
Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by BAKI
Inspired by Vibing Leaf
Godzilla roar taken from Godzilla (2014)
Shoutout to GamingPlush64, Freshy Kanal, garbageGothic, Atronach’s Aura, Dilly, and Nugget

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Man in the Suit vs Friend Inside Me | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of bulky versions of fat characters; MX of the fan-made horror game Mario ‘85 versus Peter Griffin, but specifically the version of him in Fortnite. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as MX
https://www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob

Chaotic Rap Battles as Fortnite Peter
https://www.youtube.com/@ChaoticRapBattles

-LYRICS-

MX (0:14)
Hey there champ! Here’s a lesson, cuz I know dude’s dense
Roman numerals; see me and it’s too tense 
Piñata Brian? Think you look cool with that thing?
When I bash it and break it, a brace can be your next Back Bling
(Hahaha!) Tell Lois she better glance now
She’ll only see your face with the other clouds in the background
Kids going in debt for V-Bucks with credit cards
Is the only way innocence gets you far

Peter (0:34)
Guess I’m the pizza guy; I’ll make you drool from this round
You got too many teeth; I’ll put a tool in your mouth
Yeah! The ratchet’ll make this ugly and it ain’t even Meg
You’re really rapping with some dogshit; D-MX (what!)
Screw Stewie, I’m off of the fat shit
I’m shooting when someone Snooty Steppes into my mansion
Aim a .5 at ‘85, it’s too late for rebrandin’
This PC port's gonna glitch when the MAC clicks

MX (0:55)
Meowscles tried to make you mad swole
You gave up so hard, you should put your shirt on this flagpole
Without the old Slurp Juice shrinking your pants size
How could you escape? You wouldn’t fit in the damn pipes
In The Society you’re what, 5th wheeling?
So I’ll melt your fucking skin if you’re tryna get Peely
Your old fights? This one’s incredibly different
Cuz now you’re the chicken and it’ll end in an instant
f you got a shotgun, why do you need to poorly scope in
I'll run this level back and forth… you're still reloadin’
Post-nerf, you’d need hundreds of your medallions
They’ll know the exact location your body can be found in
Seizure got you foaming at the mouth; guess you can’t make the leaks brake
I’m hurting you more than some knee pain
False Hero, not Mario. You’ll heat up with how dark I go (wahoo!)
Witness my true form if you really want the smoke

Peter (1:35)
A short horror game that’s 8-bit?
This reminds me of the time when everyone else did the same shit
I’ve gotta wonder; damn, how’d they conceive ya?
Someone saw the Sonic version and ran… out of ideas
Want that hammer back? I’ll blam your temple!
Momentum drops as you flicker out: Super Mario Bros. Special (hehehe)
If FNF was anything to be informed by
You're any day of the week, I'm the whole fortnight
Smack you with my butt scratcher; got an itch, guy?
Carry-All kinda types of straps, I’m clicking when the clip's dry
But I got muscles; I could take you in a fist fight
So what I'm asking is which type of arm will make this bitch die?
Your big update added 1-2 and that’s it?
Jeez, must’ve bashed your head through too many bricks
My knee’s one thing, but your always getting your ankle rolled
Herbert! That’s what you get for obsessing over 8 year olds

-CREDITS-

Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Additional writing help by Dilly
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by 2Deep

Feedback by Danii, Dilly, Fightmarker, Freshy Kanal, TheMonarchy, TheBabyBeef, 01Tyler10, and the spaceship
Shoutout to Luke Reardon, Swizkii, and Zawesome

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Fortnite Peter Griffin vs Mario '85 | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! In this 100 Hour Challenge special, we have exploding video game enemies; Bob-omb from Super Mario Bros vs Creeper from Minecraft. Enjoy!

TheMonarchy as Bob-omb
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@OliTheMonarchy / https://www.youtube.com/@monarchybattleraps

Commander Jacob as Creeper
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob

-LYRICS-

Bob-omb (0:09)
Yo. EXPLODING IN! Buddy you crawled on the wrong land
They put me up against a Creeper? Aw man!
Double Dash away before this Bob-omb Blasts
You’ll go from face on a backpack to laid in a body bag
Why attack the player? You’re one in the same
Either of you see a pussy and start running away
And if you wanna act hostile, I hope you can camouflage
Or I’ll splatter you on the trees; make you look like you’re back to moss
You both cause destruction, but lemme tell ya something
Only difference between you and TNT? You’re ugly
No back and forth, I jump straight in as I’m attacking 
I layed out this pig, put him back in the right axis

Creeper (0:40)
BOOM BOOM BOOM- that’ll be you when you provoke me
I’ll chew you up and spit you out like Yoshi
Match my explosions? You’d need at least two
So if you really wanna go, try to re-fuse
I’ll drop a track, I got a real bone to pick today
Bet your reflexes delayed like your Galaxy minigame
Spectate and realize I see green in two different ways
While you’re on the Battlefield, waging wars with a civil race
Walking or Charging, I’mma come for your head
When you’re falling from the sky, it’s the most Sudden of Deaths
(Let’s go) House of Boom? Yeah, your mama was in that
Just stay on the ground; I’m who’s leaving an impact

-CREDITS-

Written by Commander Jacob and TheMonarchy
Beat and additional writing help by swizkii
https://www.youtube.com/@swizkii
Mixed by Light
Additional art by HoodieMasterr
https://www.youtube.com/@hoodiemasterr

Feedback by TheMonarchy, swizkii, HoodieMasterr, and SimplyRazzy
Shout out to Walk and JustGamer

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Creeper vs Bob-omb | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have musical entities that cause stress to those who come across them; Mad Piano from Big Boo’s Haunt in Super Mario 64 versus Bop It, 90’s audio toy sensation. Enjoy!

TheMonarchy as Mad Piano
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@TheMonarchyVA / https://www.youtube.com/@OliTheMonarchy / https://www.youtube.com/@monarchybattleraps
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/olithemonarchy
SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/oli-the-monarchy

Eric the Audible as Bop It
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@EricTheAudible
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/erictheaudible
SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/central-rap-battles  

-LYRICS-

Mad Piano (0:09)
Yo! Looking for eight coins? There’s one to your left!
But it’s not the only thing I have covered in red
I’ll bop you ‘til you shatter! Make your circuitry bleed sparks
Plus you’ll find the key of my teeth… B#
See this chair? Sit down, take the polite road
Soprano C, you’re gonna scream out on a high note
I'm not settling, I demolish a score
I keep banging! And keep banging! And keep banging! And keep banging!
It’s like this Dizaster got me paying homage to Cort
See these coffins falling? Next thing you know, you’re falling in yours
On the topic of court; for being lame, you've stood accused
I'm not judging when these shelves start throwing books at you
Had a little fad and just kept extending that
It's like Simon Said "instead of memory, test their attention span"
Between the cash grabs and narrators so obnoxious
I got a command for you!... stop it.

Bop It (0:54)
Did I rattle your cage, dude? You’re Mad cuz I’m way smooth
Piano should stay tuned! I’m naturally playin’ you!
Wanting red? I’ll leave you spinning. You gotta be kidding
Thinking you’re the grand type... You’re more MIDI
You move so slow, I circle you with no running
If you hear boos around you, It’s not your ghost buddies
Haven’t you realized I’m twisted yet?
Fitnessgram shit; I'll make sure Suicide Drills in your head
You’re the least scary thing in your “sCaRy oLd hOuSe”
Walking wobbly like you hopped off the merry-go-round
Wait, yeah, you belong in that kinda room
There's been a remake and a port: this piano’s on loop (c’mon!)
More per minute, you’re getting b-b-beaten
You couldn’t hit me in Smash R-R-Remix
Save the jumpscare, you won’t pull it with me
After your little lullaby, I’m going to sleep!

-CREDITS-

Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by 2Deep
Beat purchased by Fightmarker

Feedback by TheMonarchy, Fightmarker, Syroquise, and the spaceship
Shoutout to RacconBroVA, Dilly, TaigaTonic, Dani, Sculpture_, and the Smash Remix team

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Bop It vs Mad Piano | Rap Battle (HARB)

everything by me except:
swizkii‬ as penguin
mixed by ‪fightmarker‬ 
beat by ‪allrounda

Turkey vs Penguin | Quarter-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have randomly-generated rectangles; Steve and Alex from Minecraft vs the YouTube channel Webdriver Torso. Enjoy, and happy April Fool’s Day!

Danii as Steve
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@SwaggyFlan
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/453EGjLZcGifTB4Tyjzdgq

TAFox as Alex
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@thatadorablefox
Cardd: https://thatadorablefox.carrd.co/

Commander Jacob as Red Rectangle
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob
Twitter: https://twitter.com/commander_jacob

JustGamer as Blue Rectangle
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@JustGamerRapBattles
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/3n1xhiocXnl8yFsVxb2IqW

- LYRICS -

Minecraft (0:10)
Steve:
Hey Alex, where are the coords we wrote?
Alex:
Don’t need ‘em, I can tell that we’re stepping on two zeros
I thought paintings were flat, but you’re even thinner
Steve:
You're so 2D, why would you have a profile picture?
Alex:
Nice
Steve:
Watching your channel makes lava swimming seem way fun
Forget down, you’re what we’d never dig
Alex:
Straight up!
Steve:
We’ll level you awfully low
Alex:
One body blow quite Hertz
For your sake, get some other audio, Driver

Webdriver Torso (0:31)
You really think you rock with the lines you write?
Cuz what we're picking up is as worthless as diorite
You piss your pants when a diamond shines
Then you cry if you lose one; your mood’s swinging side-to-side
Here’s something to Evoke the sense of getting Vexed
Built a world brick-by-brick and it was broken by a Lego set
Your cycle’s not two-week; the movie trailer though?
If Warner Bros played your game, it wasn’t in creative mode
Plus there's a practice that we're struggling to grasp, and it makes
Our brain more broken than the shield you always have to your face
You stack materials deep in a cave, pickaxing away
Just to make gadgets so that you don't have to actually play

Minecraft (1:03)
Steve:
Spider shit; we’re spinning Web tonight
Only thing Driving through your Torso is Sharpness V netherite
Alex:
Nah, use a bow. While their position’s always changing
Unlike us, with all their shots, they’re still completely aimless
Don’t let a mace in the wrong hands
Steve:
I’ll knock a glitch all the way to the Farlands
Alex:
We tower in numbers, they paid us some large bands
Steve:
Want yours higher? Maybe just call France *old death sound*
Add up all your channels that just copy explicitly 
And an Enderman can still garner more watchtime, admittedly
Alex:
At least a PowerPoint gives you some options for different themes
You got no one in your corner, there’s no Aqua Affinity
Steve:
Damn
Steve and Alex:
Put you to Bed, you’ll get sweaty when War wages
Smashin the rap game; we’re known to control stages
We’ll space and click to cut the “alien speak”
Steve: 
Hey, you know what we should pause?
Alex:
I see the player you mean.

Webdriver Torso (1:44)
Your community regularly has criminals instilled in it
YouTubers reach a peak but can't build limits
If that doesn’t happen, they still form a brainless army
Making us question why they hate Baby Zombies
It’s like you’re cursed; be thankful we were conceived with beeps
You complain, with a high frequency, “updates are a low frequency”
And when they do drop in the game
All you see are more biomes to colonize and mobs to enslave
Crops indicate what you’ve grown to be
A content farm, so to speak, complete with controlling seeds
Our background is darker than some of Steve’s merch, how disheartening 
Perhaps Notch was head of marketing

- CREDITS -

Written, directed, edited, beat arranged, and Webdriver beat produced by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Minecraft beat produced by Phil Tyler
Additional ambience by Modeaudio

Feedback by Eric the Audible, TheMonarchy, 3ple, itsnugget, SimplyRazzy, GamingPlush64, and the rest of the spaceship
Shout-out to TheBabyBeef, ENNWAY, Fightmarker, and SimplyRazzy

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Minecraft vs Webdriver Torso | Rap Battle (LARB)

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have two platforms for casual gamers, one for browsers and one for mobile devices; Cool Math Games vs Google Play Games. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Cool Math
YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob
Twitter: www.twitter.com/commander_jacob

TaigaTonic as Google Play
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TaigaTonic
Twitter: www.twitter.com/TaigaTonic

- LYRICS -

CMG (0:12)
Listen Talking Tom, let’s just speed up the chat
I’ll kill a record, you ain’t even up to Scratch
Park it. Whose site’s been driving since ‘97? Not yours
If you bring your bars forward, I’m flipping ‘em like Bloxorz
This Dude’ll Jump to a height he still can’t reach my peak from
I’m your Papa and you just entered the Beat-ya-ria
How’d we get you? This equation should cut it
Me, minus screen size and physical buttons

GPG (0:32)
There can’t be a Way To Die that’s a little bit Dumber
Cuz tryna catch up to me is just an infinite runner
It’s a crapshoot. You came to our platform and your app’s Pou
I have your appeal while not trapped in a classroom
Take the win off your wishlist, don't wanna level up your hope
Barely hanging onto life so I’ve come to Cut the Rope
Tweets and merch about your original game? Great plan!
… it’s still just Hangman

CMG (0:52)
Speaking of: personality. You’re not spelling it
Fireboy and Watergi- kid I’ve been in my element
But no, bro, I can tell you’re proud to be mobile
With your games you put on PC and controller logo
You’re constantly begging for reviews like you’re owed answers
Well here: "one star; iOS with no standards
Or quality assurance." And you’re claiming you’re dope?
Mr. CEO of “you got games on your phone?”

GPG (1:12)
You’re the start but I’m the end of Johnny Upgrade’s coins
E-rated Newgrounds is getting negative Play Points
Clashing our Clans is really asking for death
My brand Game On lock with how it PAX an event (Let’s go!)
I don’t even need Flappy or Red to fuel my Jetpack
Your prominence Bricked! Mine? You can’t get Half
Algebra, Geometry: type of stuff you Dashed from
Still being named “Cool Math” doesn’t add up

CMG (1:32)
The kids behind the screen? Brought their childhood radness
You green hogs are only tryna siphon their cash quick
“World's Hardest Game” for you is not piling ads in
No Candy, Crush you for free, fuck microtransactions

GPG (1:42)
This heat’ll shut you down; that’s a firewall. What I’ve gathered?
I’m not paying premium, but you won’t forget my past words
After you’ve Raided Shadows of Legends for your backlog
I made your numbers leave like your mascot or when Flash stopped

- CREDITS -

Written, directed, edited, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by Kelly Mac and Ben Fowler of Audio Network
Additional instruments by Splice and Neon Wave

Feedback by GamingPlush64, TaigaTonic, TheMonarchy, Freshy Kanal, RNG, JustGamer, Dilly Scott, Eric the Audible, 3ple, Danii, TheBabyBeef, Powerofdan, and the rest of the spaceship
Shout-out to Mr. Tibbs, Fightmarker, ayjayyy, and Karen Lyn Davis

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Cool Math Games vs Google Play Games | Rap Battle (LARB)

Welcome to what I guess is the first episode of Lame-Ass Rap Battles! (Pac-Man vs WHG’s getting delayed, sorry.) Today we have a battle of evil artificial clones with Metal Sonic vs DoodleBob. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Metal Sonic
GamingPlush64 as DoodleBob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Written by Commander Jacob and GamingPlush64
Produced by Smoke

Lyrics

Metal Sonic:
I’ve my target acquired: a reckless sketch his builder ditched
Aka stick-legged freak spewing epileptic gibberish 
Got a chaotic flow that's aimed at you, well ain’t it brutal?
They put a mic-killing monster against a janky Frankendoodle
Your pencil and place in battle’s number two, so you're in trouble
Reduced to bootleg merch. Now I’m popping your RedBubble
The bad-ass Badnik’s giving him a bad nick and leaving him hurt
Hypothesis: your magic pencil still can’t write out a decent verse

DoodleBob:
You think you’re cool, but you just got me annoyed, boy
So make your next form a better rapper, son of a nyoy nyoy!
Can't stand this toy's noise. Got the slave of aluminum stressin’
But things get sketchy when you enter the Doodle Dimension
Going mach-5, but not even good enough for ‘06, man. You can’t withstand
That a neo nazi’s boutta get damned. Line him up and strike a bowling ball through this tin can
Or I’ll bust out the lead if you tryna gra-fight. So now what?
I oughta call it a draw, Eggbreath already screwed your mouth shut

Metal Sonic:
You act tough, but something you never considered
I’d be more intimidated facing Jellyfish Squidward
You from the shredder or printer? Either way, I’ll have you slashed through
But back to dimensions, your rhymes and design barley have 2
Locate a sharpener if you think on a track you can beat me. Don’t make me repeat
The elite machine will remind you that he was built to be on a CD
Analyzing from all angles: your chance to win’s looking thin
Firearms unrequired; initiating “throw a book at him”

DoodleBob:
Every time you think you’re besting Sonic, you end up dead wrong
I command a doodle army, you stalk and copy a hedgehog
I can tell you don’t lack grit when you rage like a spastic
Didn’t know the position “Bad-nik” was talkin’ ‘bout your rap shit
Forever in Omega’s shadow and forgotten, good riddance
You’re the Terminator if he listened to too much Skrillex
Scrapping this Metallic Madness and putting an end to the race
Because I don’t need the pencil to have your relevance... erased

Metal Sonic vs DoodleBob | Lame-Ass Rap Battle #1

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Half-Ass Rap Battle! Today we have a battle of minimal, pixelated games typically played out of boredom: Flappy Bird vs Chrome T-Rex. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Flappy Bird
Deegle as Chrome T-Rex
Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Light
Prod. by 2Deep

I’m coming back, the flyest bird. It’s undebated
To face an old fart that Atari would call outdated
Pterodactyl when I battle. So buddy, you oughta let go
People play you when they say “dammit, I guess so”
Takes a tap to flap over the crap that you spat out
Your life’ll fade to black quicker than your background
Mainstream? No way. Gameplay? so lame
So you should look up better rhymes… oh wait

An amputee duck with plastic surgery
Seems to struggle connecting to a beat to try to murder me
Grab your over-priced iPads and take a walk, dude
You’re smokin’ stolen pipes thinking Nintendo won’t stomp you
I’m Chrome polished. My desert’s less dry than what you’ve written, kid
I'm jumping over cacti, I can handle one little prick
What got removed faster, you from all the phones I can see
Or was it your creator, exiled from society?

Flappy Bird vs Chrome T-Rex | Half-Ass Rap Battle #2

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have the monochrome LCD character against the monochrome LSD character; Mr. Game & Watch vs Grey Man. Enjoy!

Raichous as Mr. Game & Watch
Mr. Tibbs (Gridline Studios) as Grey Man

Written by Commander Jacob w/ help from Zawesome
Mixed by Light
Prod. by Marsad Men

-LYRICS-

Game & Watch:
Parachute in to win, it’s an icon you’re fighting, man
This Fire man throws bacon, eggs, and fine raps off a frying pan
Been Ball-ing from the start. Where’ve you been? I can’t tell
As an expert, I can say fame’s something you’ve never handheld
This rapping trampoline lander’s smacking you like a 9 hammer
And your win’s a crazier dream than those of all your programmers
Slenderman in a trench coat? He only has one mode: stalk
Mister, watching your game has got me watching my own clock

Grey Man:
A fat-nosed shadow thinks that he's fit for battle? Boy I'll laugh
When I have him tripping and he still tries to fight with oil cans 
Ring your bell for help! I’m Krueger of the PlayStation
Leaving beats and dreams corrupted. Still think it's an emulation?
Here’s the red Flagman; you’ll get slaughtered just from napping
It’s one of your two functions; learn it’s time to stop rapping
I Violently Diss-strict. The pain won’t leave when you wake up.
Even people who play Smash have forgotten you like a brain flush

Mr. Game & Watch vs Grey Man | Half-Ass Rap Battle #3

In the 2nd installment of Lame-Ass Rap Battles, we have classic vs modern. Simple vs difficult. Circle vs Square. We have Pac-Man against the World’s Hardest Game. Enjoy!

Alex the Beast as Pac-Man
Fightmarker as World's Hardest Game
Written by Commander Jacob (w/ additional help from Mr. Tibbs, Zawesome, and Freshy Kanal)
Mixed by Light
Produced by Allen Kass

[NEW VERSION] Pac-Man vs World's Hardest Game | Lame-Ass Rap Battle #2

In the 3rd installment of Lame-Ass Rap Battles, It's a battle of the art programs! We have Microsoft Paint vs Adobe Photoshop. Enjoy!

Snakebite126 as Paint
Eric the Audible as Photoshop
Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Produced by George Georgia of Audio Network
Beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Thumbnail by Commander Jacob

Paint (0:20):
I’m opening the Windows, so scram off of my lawn
Don’t try to rhyme, dog. Even my palette’s a icon
You charge 30 a month for a learning curve that's straight doo-doo
Must've dropped the opacity, I can see right through you
I’ll grab a brush, swap the color: make this kid black out
Because I bet your raps aren’t even a Bitmap-ped out.
I'm the godfather of digital art, there’s no denying me
I’ll get to sinking your ship if you wanna whine about piracy

Photoshop (0:41):
If you'd like to start war, let's open an artboard.
Got a liquefied flow to claim the place that I’ve fought for
Look, like anything made with you, all your raps will fall flat
We’re already two different types. No need to up the contrast
Sketch all the sloppy shapes you want, I’m rocking the house
Your users likely don’t have internet and draw with a mouse
Mark this, my bars got a hardness of eight hundred
You’re even sucking at fillers. I’ll make you kick the paint bucket

Paint (1:02):
Falling flat? Check the thumbnail. You can’t scold me
Coming at me with those lines, you might wanna ctrl Z
Painting skies since ‘85, style pouring like rain
I draw the line on this mic; call me MC Paint (ha)
You can’t mask your overratedness. It’s hurting, isn’t it?
Hold ctrl and scroll up; maybe you’ll find a shit I give

Photoshop (1:17):
I’m known to burn tools when I’m spitting a rhyme
You can’t make a drop shadow, so keep living in mine
Look, you want some layered disses and blending modes? I got plentiful
For programs rough 'round the edges, I’d recommend the feather tool
Masks? I’m clipping you. No brown, but your pallet’s shitty, dude.
Get back to the junkyard. GIMP is less of a bitch to use

Paint (1:32):
You can’t recover from this with a healing brush, how sad
I’ve had more fun using an SNES mouse pad
Use your magic wand to select good lines, ingrate
Or continue making YouTubers’ slimy-ass clickbait

Photoshop  (1:42):
I’ve had to deal with dudes tryna do me like a clone stamp
So let’s crop and slice the comic sans of art programs
That’s how you lasso a win, no way MS Jank beat me
You'd be better off opening a verse in Paint 3D

Microsoft Paint vs Adobe Photoshop | Lame-Ass Rap Battle #3

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of the edgy spooky versions of characters, one ironic, one unironic: Sonic.EXE vs Corrupted Jacob

-LYRICS-

Sonic.EXE
(Yo) ever since Things That Aren't That Scary Month, I know you've been hating, my guy
So many souls, so Slowpoke.EXE should quit wasting my time
You’re like Tom with my CD; too pussy to destroy a track, dog
Lyrics coming at you at Super Sonic speed: I am Rap God
Too tapped out for round 2. Searched your Commander’s channel, even I never Found You
Cameos are all you amount to. I got a jester's laugh, and I’m still bout to clown you
When I’m rappin, I go batshit. I’m attacking with some hacking. I’m the spin-dashing classic
This wack-ass damn kid’s the static cross-breed fanfic of Darkiplier and a sad squid, that’s it

Corrupted Jacob:
Zalgo in a fursuit? Oh no, my wee little heart!
Ya meant to be creepy, but spawned extremely… DeviantArt 
Like Sally Simp, you’re gonna get left in stitches when fighting me
Your fame was as short as your face in your own fucking title screen
Fucking cheesy ass. Your game got me board as shit, you damn Rap Rat
Check the anger and the eyeballs; my dude needs a pack of Tampax 
Trolled this pasta back to his wiki, too lame for me to eat ya
Haven’t seen someone as bad with words since JC the Hyena

Alex the Beast as Sonic.EXE
Commander Jacob as Corrupted Jacob
Written by Commander Jacob w/ help from TimeLord
Edited and thumbnailed by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Light
Prod. by Retnik

Sonic.EXE vs Corrupted Jacob | Half-Ass Rap Battles

(CONTEXT: https://i.redd.it/sxgappnq4mw11.jpg)

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of the goofy mutilated murderers: MDHHCD vs Hash-Slinging Slasher

-LYRICS-

Man Door:
(Yo) whatcha gonna do, wave at me with your nub singed?
I got a handle on this battle; Man Door is unhinged
Oh look, more slime to spill down the Krusty Krab walls as usual
Frying and firing this fry cook like a 2nd funeral
My bars have got that secret sauce that you're lacking, huh?
You couldn’t flip a line if both of your hands were spatulas
Speed of Gary when you’re rhyming. Try to run from my sickle
You’re bout as scary as a pirate tryna come for my pickle (ugh)
Hop back on your bus, cuz you best be retreating
Don’t need Nosferatu, I’ll knock your lights out neatly
Let’s hope your verse is like your phone calls: no speaking
I’ll leave you in the dumpster, so good luck… sweaty

Hash-Slinging Slasher
Staying up… at night with THAT verse? Bad decision
But to be fair, it was longer than your story to begin with
How’s a guy with no name or design think he’s not losing?
Both raise our eyebrows: you with fear, me with confusion
Either learn better English or get slayed hard, bitch
If I let you in, be ready for a graveyard shift
And with your hook lodged in the door, it’s time that I sped up
I’m looking to see red like “dude, can I get some ketchup?”
I got your ass sprinting backwards like a gas-thieving bastard
Yo, you’re a trash-flinging rapper, and I’m the Hash-Slinging Slasher
Go back to stealing steres, you copypasta wannabe
I stopped the voice cuz I was nervous you’d keep spitting awfully


Light as Man Door hand Hook Car Door
Commander Jacob as Hash-Slinging Slasher
Zawesome as Ketchup Requester (cameo)
Written by Commander Jacob and Zawesome
Edited and thumbnailed by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Light
Prod. by 2Deep

Man Door Hand Hook Car Door vs Hash-Slinging Slasher | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of Nintendo's lesser-known parts of their handheld consoles; the Gameboy Camera vs Flipnote Studio. Enjoy!

-LYRICS-

GBC:
Yo. I point at you and shoot your bars down one-by-one
And when I snap, I don’t gotta ask Who You’re Running From
Off your store and went away, you’ll get erased from your separate page
I’m bringing hella flames on MS Paint with extra frames
I pioneered cameras leaving every face with smiles
While Hatena users were like “XD Gangnam Style”
Wait, I was more able to get on a console? Damn bruh
Smile! You got ass-whooped by Gameboy Camera!

Flipnote:
I ain't afraid again, I’ll keep on rhyming ‘til the end
I flow like water, I’m too fly. I’ll keep on dissing ‘til you die
A verbal drop kick is all I need to clap back
I didn’t frog hop on a track to fight monochromatic Snapchat
Ya know what’s sadder than a Shy Guy with no phone?
I’ll call Guinness to report “least pixels in a photo”
I only need three colors to beat ya red, blue, and black! Ouch
May be out of Print these days, but you still just got Stamped-out

Commander Jacob as Gameboy Camera
YouTube: www.youtube.com/channel/UCpjj...
SoundCloud: @commanderjacob
Twitter: twitter.com/commander_jacob

Fightmarker as Flipnote Studio
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfRZ...
Twitter: https://twitter.com/THEFIGHTMARKER
SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/fightmarker

Written by Commander Jacob and MetaMachine
Thumbnail by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Prod. by Kustom

Gameboy Camera vs Flipnote Studio | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Half-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of sentient pastries; one good, one evil: The Pillsbury Doughboy vs The Gingerdead Man Enjoy, and happy holidays!

-LYRICS-

Pillsbury:
Yo. I’m Poppin’ Fresh out the oven. (hoo hoo) better show some respect
Cuz I’ve haven’t seen such a weak little so-called “threat “ (since when?) since your cousin from Shrek
You bring half-baked raps when you’re up on a mic. (yeh) Not even Brick would wanna stomach your lines
Looking like what Chucky eats for lunch in my eyes. There’s not a single crumb of Passion in your Crusty design. 
You fought a bong with a lighter; but ain’t as high as your writers, now you’re boutta be the buddy that is getting smoked, boy
Getting the guns ready and raining the Funfetti; so don’t you ever question why they call me Doughboy
I could watch Paula Deen on TV for an hour 15: it’d be a more scary movie
Only Got Milked for a couple sequels, and this cookie-cutter chump couldn’t bag Gary Busey

Gingerdead:
You can take that whole verse and shove it up your croissant. Kid, you’re… dead
Your whole company and personality’s soulless, and that's coming from a ginger... bread
(Ugh) You’re the yeast of my problems. (HAHA!) So now you got my anger rising
Wanna piece of me? (huh?) Start biting. You got such wack raps, call you Vanilla Icing
I’ll cut! Cut! Cut as fast as I can! Better Run! Run! Run, baby Marshmallow Man
I’ll smack the fuck! Fuck! Fuck outta you, man! And watch your gut! Gut! Gut get poked from the knife in my hand
So don’t fuck with Findlemeyer, It’ll feel like an oven when I’m spit this fire
I’ll tarnish you worse than some mother Smuckers could. Lyrical evil never tasted so good (HAHAHAHAHA!!!)

Freshy Kanal as Pillsbury Doughboy
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNLjRiychUaaCU0uJTYDUYA
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/610WQgwSmLL0U2wQzZdrqY?si=gufrrndCQbywBKzCoGadCA
Twitter: https://twitter.com/FreshyKanal

Michael Stark as Gingerdead Man 
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfULalNLwszljsyNj3Qt28Q
Twitter: https://twitter.com/The_Stark_Media
SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/stark-media

Written by Commander Jacob and Michael Stark (w/ help from Razzy)
Thumbnail by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Freshy Kanal
Prod. by Dansonn

The Pillsbury Doughboy vs The Gingerdead Man | Half-Ass Rap Battles

Home of Lame-Ass Rap Battles, its side series Half-Ass Rap Battles, and maybe the occasional cover of someone else's battle.

Popular tracks by Commander Jacob